Heading out for the day, the team hopped into the GS2 and made to drive around town to patrol the area and look for signs of new dungeons. While the party was out, they came across their usual quarry of a few invading goblins, trying to find food or things to steal and dispatched them easily. By this time running them over was nearly impossible without getting out and chasing them. The team had come up with patterns to corral the little green monsters and were able to still gain some XP for the GS2.
Needing to move further and further away from the guild building to find monsters meant that the teams were finally making progress in creating a safe zone around their new home. There were still the occasional random monster spawns within this safety zone, but the guild was becoming adjusted to dealing with these incursions to the point they rarely gave them any trouble.
On today's outing, the team ran across a lone wolf walking across the road in town.
"Stop the car!" James said excitedly.
"What is it, James?" Tom said, bringing the GS2 to a stop in the middle of the street.
"That wolf. I think it's finally time I got a pet!" James said.
"Really, you think you need a pet and you chose a wolf? Can't we get you something that fits the pet description better like a dog or a girlfriend?" Jay said, followed quickly by an, "OW!" as Kiera smacked him on the back of the head.
"Women are queens, not pets!" She said angrily.
"It was a joke, little sister. Come on." Jay played.
"I don't care if it was a joke. You treat women with respect!" Kiera replied.
"Yes, ma'am....OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR!" Jay cried out again.
"Don't call me ma'am! It makes me feel old." Kiera replied.
"It's a term of respect....we're Southerners for Christ's sake!" Jay retorted.
"Don't care. Don't call me ma'am! EVER!" Kiera replied.
"Duly noted..." Jay replied wincing and rubbing the back of his head.
"I don't mean I just want to make friends with it and have it follow me home...well that is what I want, but I mean its a Ranger skill. I can have an animal companion." James informed the group. "We just haven't seen wolves for a while so I was waiting for the right time."
"Well, if you think that is what you want, then go ahead, time to tame!" Tom said and gestured to the wolf.
James got out of the vehicle and began to walk toward the wolf. Noticing his approach, the wolf began to back up and growl at him. Unfortunately for the wolf, it had made its way up onto the sidewalk and was backing into the entrance of a building with nowhere to go. It backed into the doors of the building with walls on either side and bristled as it growled, the hairs on its neck and back standing on end.
"Nice puppy. I just wanna be friends. I have treats. You want a belly rub..." James began, but couldn't finish as the wolf leaped at him with its mouth open wide.
"AHHHHH! OH GOD! NO! SO MANY TEETH! OW! FUCKING CUNT SHARTS THAT HURTS!!!" James began screaming as he wrestled with the wolf.
"Should we go help him?" Kevin asked.
"Nah, he's got this. It's just a wolf. It shouldn't be able to kill him at this point." Tom said, smiling slightly at James' predicament.
Rolling around on the ground, James and the wolf continued to fight to get the upper hand. The wolf growled, and James spat out a string of profanities that would make a sailor blush. Eventually, they rolled into the door of the building which opened and the pair were hidden from sight.
There was more rustling and swearing coming from inside of the building and then a scream came from the building that was far worse than anything they had heard so far.
"OK, I think we should go check on him now," Tom said, realizing they might have been mistaken in letting him handle this alone.
Stepping out of the car, the team began to move toward the doors.
"Stay the fuck out!" James yelled from inside. "I got this so just fuck off until I'm done! Now where were we you shit biscuit?"
More growling and snarling and grunts came from inside the building for about another thirty seconds, then two gunshots went off, and then all went silent. Standing there waiting anxiously now, the team just waited. Long minutes passed while they simply stared at the door trying to determine if they should go in to check on him.
Just as Tom was about to make the executive decision to go see what had happened, the door began to open. First, the wolf appeared which made everyone take a step back, preparing their weapons, but they stopped when James appeared right after it holding the door open for it. James looked mostly okay, but his clothes and armor were torn and there was a giant blood stain covering his crotch area.
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"What the fuck happened?!" Tom questioned, more than a little concern in his voice. "Your pants are covered in blood in a very unfortunate spot!"
"I missed," Was all James said as he walked to the GS2, opened the trunk, and motioned for the wolf to hop in. It did.
Shocked at what they were seeing, the party ran over to the vehicle. Questions flew out of their mouths trying to get answers.
"I don't want to talk about it. Suffice to say, potions can help grow back body parts." James said, not meeting any of their eyes.
Stunned to silence, everyone looked at James, down to his crotch, then back to his face. Realization setting it. Kiera burst out laughing. The others began to feel a bit queasy.
"Can we just fucking go!" James yelled.
"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!" Kiera continued. "I'm sorry, HAHAHAHAHA, I don't mean to laugh, but...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Yeah, hahaha, fuck you too," James said.
Everyone piled into the GS2 and they continued on their patrol. The wolf was sitting in the trunk, head leaning over the last row and it panted as it stared at the party.
"So, are you going to introduce us to your new friend?" Derek said, a huge smile pasted on his face.
James let out an exasperated sigh, "Fine. Everyone this is Squirrel. Squirrel this is Kiera, Jay, Kevin, Derek, and Tom." James said pointing at each person in turn. "They are family. We treat them like such."
"Squirrel?" Jay asked. "Because he likes chasing them?"
"No," James replied. "Because he likes nuts...and not the kind that grows on trees."
The entire car burst into a fit of laughter at this. They drove on and continued to find monsters to kill over the rest of the day, ending with stopping at the dungeon to make a run through it again. Squirrel was actually a big help in defeating the Bloddy Prince in record time because James simply snapped his fingers and the wolf darted straight at the man and grabbed onto his crotch with his teeth.
The girlish scream that came from his mouth as he rolled around on the ground trying unsuccessfully to dislodge the canine from his dangle-downs made for a hilarious scene. Distracting the sub-boss enough that he couldn't even transform into his berserk form, the poor bastard was put out of his misery quickly and efficiently.
Squirrel attempted to latch onto the Baron's wife in the same way during the boss fight.
"No Squirrel! No nuts there! The other one!" James had to yell at the poor wolf.
It nonetheless bit the woman in the crotch which actually threw off her concentration and her spells began to backfire on her and she died from mana backlash.
"Well...huh...that did work," was all James could manage to say at the end of the fight. "Who's a good boy? You're a good boy!"
Loving the praise, the wolf let James rustle his fur and scratch him all over as he panted, his mouth open in what looked like a smile. He even howled at the praise.
"So this is what we really have to look forward to?" Derek asked.
"Oh come on, they are perfect for each other. Dickhead and his pet, cockgobbler." Jay said.
The pair had a good laugh at that. Finishing up, the team moved to the vending machine that appeared at the throne. Kevin stepped up first and put his hand on the machine.
"What the fuck?" Kevin said staring at the options in the machine.
"What is it?" Tom asked.
"I don't think these are the right options for me," Kevin replied.
Moving to the glass to look inside, sure enough, the items in the machine seemed to be spells and staves that had magic attacks tied to them. Normally the machine was filled with two-handed weapons and Strength or Constitution buffing items. This time there were a lot of items designed to boost his Intelligence or Wisdom.
Typing out the item number for one of the items in the machine as his reward for completing the dungeon, Kevin bought one of the staves of fireball. It dispensed out and he opened the can. Sure enough, a wooden staff with a red gem on the top appeared in his hand when the smoke cleared.
"It says I can't use this with my class," Kevin said after looking at a screen only he could see.
"What the hell is going on," Tom said moving forward to put his hand on the machine.
Resting his hand on the screen, the options began to change. Holy symbols and heavy armor with light magic options began to appear.
"Now I know I can't use this shit. I'm a fucking Warlock." Tom said. "This is like Cleric or Paladin gear. I can't even heal them because my powers are dark-aligned. What is the deal?"
Completely confused, the party could do nothing but stare at the machine with a lack of understanding. These machines had always been working perfectly before and distributing the items they needed to grow in their classes. A message suddenly appeared in every display all at once.
Attention Users!
This is a System-wide message. All unmanned virtual storefronts, or vending machines, have begun malfunctioning. Admins are working on getting to the bottom of the situation to ensure that no more deaths are caused by the purchasing of incorrect equipment.
"More deaths? As in people have been dying from purchasing the wrong equipment?!" Tom said incredulously.
The message had come in a prompt that was bordered with bright red coloration and exclamation marks inside triangles at each of the corners of the border. Clearly, it was an important message. Moments later another message popped into their view. As with the last one, it could not be minimized until it was read.
Planetwide Quest!
Destroy the corruption-
You have been offered a quest, to destroy the corruption that has infected the vending machines on earth to restore order to the world at large. A creature with the power to infect mana-powered devices has appeared and found its way to the central vending system. Travel to the Grand Canyon where the vending machine hub is located and destroy the source of the corruption.
Reward:
20,000 XP
Rare Monster Core
Restoration of the vending machine system
"A quest?!" Derek said.
"I didn't even know the system had quests. None have ever been given out before now." Tom said.
"This must be a really big deal. I wonder if quests will become a thing now that this has happened?" Jay wondered.
"Quite frankly it doesn't fucking matter," James said.
"What do you mean?" Kiera asked.
"This was on everyone's displays, right? So that means that everyone in the damned world saw it and now they are all going to be out for twenty thousand fucking XP plus killing a monster." James said.
"Shit," Kevin swore.
"Well, all we can do is try to go find out what we can do. Seems like killing the creature is the best option no matter what the reward. We need to get our access to gear back or we are all fucked." Tom said.
Nodding, everyone agreed it was the best option.
"So we need to head back and tell Brian and TJ what we need to do and come up with a plan for while we are gone," Derek said. "And before we go let's try to see if we can get items that will help each other. Tom, I'll take a look at your items since they might be for me."