Cincinnati came and went
And Columbus soon after
Now the flat, farm-laden plains of
Northern Ohio extended out
Before them once again under
Low, gray skies, clouds scudding
Like stones across the fields and
Over the trees
Evan's mind was tormenting him
He thought about the ball of white
Powder in Lily's bag
He thought about how Jason was
Still dead, and would be dead
From now on
What had gone through his mind
Just before that bullet had?
Why had he left them?
For all of Jason's trademark rants
And his political posturing and
His opinions, one would've thought
He'd leave some sort of final statement
But then, maybe the act itself had been
The statement
Evan thought about
How his parents were still broke,
Despite his father's new job
How his father had toiled a lifetime
On a line that shit out thirty cars
A minute at twenty grand a pop,
For a company that had spit him
Out as soon as things had gone
South
How both of them would be
Bailing themselves out of a
Perpetually sinking ship for
The rest of their lives
They probably wouldn't even
Get to retire
Evan thought about
How Maddie was still in the hospital
And even if she got out, she would always
Carry the psychic wounds of her stay
And have to take pills for the rest of
Her life to make sure her conscious
Mind never lost balance again
She'd only gotten eleven years of peace
And quiet in her head before everything
Was shaken up like a spray paint can
The closer Evan got to home, the shittier
He felt
His thoughts crushed him, he had trouble
Keeping is head up, the highway
Eternal in front of him
unforgiving and interminable
He felt the gravity of everything
pull him down
He was twenty-one, a legal adult
In ten years he would be thirty one
Then forty-one
Then fifty-one
Then sixty-one and getting old
by every definition
Then seventy-one and having to truly face
The knowledge of his own impending death,
Of impending eternity, it would all be over
And what would he have to show for it?
Evan prayed that Jason wasn't still
Conscious somewhere, he prayed
That Jason had escaped the bonds of
Consciousness
Living forever would be the real hell, retaining
All your memories, all the good but all the bad, too
Everything you ever did
Carrying them forever and ever
And ever and ever and ever
He would remember the way Lily looked at him
When he'd tried to get with her the first night in
The motel, the contempt in her eyes
that would always be sealed in his mind, never
to be forgotten, every time he tried to make a
move on a girl, every time he tried to seek some
physical comfort in existence
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The only real solace is blissful nonexistence
Floating in the abyss, unaware, everyone
Equal in the end
Evan thought of the judges, their bored gazes
Not seeing him as he attempted to sing for them
How had he sounded?
Probably terrible
He'd never know
At the time he didn't think he'd embarrassed himself
But now he wondered
He had been one ant for them, an ant in a day-long
March of ants opening their mouths and making
Noises in hopes that they'd be chosen to be made
Into real people
if you only exist in the eyes of someone else, then
the famous exist more than anyone else
It was a farce, all a farce
He would need to move out soon
Where would he go?
He could go anywhere and at
The same time he could go nowhere
Money was the only real freedom
And money was something he'd never
Understood, something he'd never had
Something his parents had never really
Had
Where would he work?
His job at Kensington was such a
Solace, the people not perfect but
At least they weren't bitter and
Angry losers like his father's friends,
Oily burnouts staring wide-eyed
Into the void, wondering what had
Happened to their lives, to their hope
But
His position was seasonal, over at the
End of the summer, and even if
They did take him on, he couldn't
Survive on ten dollars an hour
What could he do?
He'd fucked up, just as Jason had
Said, he'd fucked up his life by not
Ever becoming good at anything
And it was all his fault
Now he was without a future, no
Doubt about it
He could go to school, sure, he
Could go to a degree mill like
Eastern and rack up twenty to
Thirty years of debt for a
Degree that may or may not
Give him a solid foundation
On which to build a life
But he wasn't interested in
Anything, he didn't want to
Dedicate his life to some
Entity that used him to
Make their CEO and
Shareholders wealthy
While his only compensation
Would be basic survival
At best
The rest of life seemed now a
Menacing ocean before Evan
An impassable storm-ridden
Chasm
He was coming home empty-
Handed, empty- hearted and
Completely unchanged, nothing
Had gotten better, nothing would
Get better
The road stretched on, a wretched
Stone river, the day an iron fist clamped
Around Evan's nutsack, squeezing
Aside from a semi trailer half a mile
Up the way, he and Lily had no fellow
Travelers, the road was desolate
Lily stared at her phone, captive to
Its white glow
He meant nothing to her, he had been
Just an excuse to pick up some grade-A
Heroin, and she'd only told him because
She hadn't had a choice, and she was withholding
Information even now, only telling him
What she thought she could get away with
Only what she needed him to know
She could probably only stomach him at all
because she was doped up all
The time
He wasn't a fucking baby
He was a grown-ass man
He demanded the basic fucking respect
That everyone else demanded
Up ahead the low clouds were
Fatter and blacker, the wind was picking
Up, rocking the car gently to the right as it
Gusted from the west, a calm hand tenderly
Trying to guide them off the road
at seventy mph
There was what looked like a curtain of white
Hanging from the black clouds up ahead
A wall of water, a wall of rain
Lily looked up from her phone
Evan saw her glance over at the speedometer
Then up at him
She looked the speedometer again, then out
At the wall of water, then back down at
Her phone, her nerves palpable
"Might wanna slow down," she said
trying to sound casual
Evan softly pressed the accelerator
The needle climbed to 75
He wasn't a fucking loser
He demanded respect
He was in control
"There's a shitton of rain up there, you
Might wanna slow down," said Lily
Evan didn't answer
"Evan?"
"What?" he snapped at her
"SLOW THE FUCK DOWN."
His foot was no longer his foot
It pressed down on the pedal, the
Civic began to shimmy
The semi disappeared into the wall,
Its brake-lights flashing
The needle climbed
Eighty, ninety
Fat raindrops began to smack the
Windshield like bullets
The curtain of rain loomed to
The sky ahead, a shifting, violent
Phantom clasping both horizons in
Two black hands
It closed down on them
Lightning flashed in the billowing
Clouds above
"EVAN?!"
Evan didn't answer
They tore into the curtain
Evan was blind and deaf for a moment
The only sound the sudden roar of
Rain, the only sight
White bearing down
Evan felt weightless
It was as if they'd been buried in
An avalanche
Lily screamed
Evan slammed on the brakes and the
Car spun, throwing them both to the left
in a petrifying lunge
They spun once, twice
They did not flip, the storm raging
They came to a rest, Lily freaking
Out beside him, Evan dazed and cold
A sheen of sweat on his face
With the car at rest the rain was
no louder than the
Air conditioning,
it was a downpour
but it was no worse than
the one they'd endured
when they'd gone to Applebee's
two days before
Evan could see the tail lights of
The semi receding into the
Distance up ahead
A few hundred more feet and they
Would've slammed right into it
Lily was furious, shaking, big
Beautiful eyes wide and ferocious
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG
WITH YOU?"
Evan's daze lifted
He felt something inside him snap
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG
WITH YOU?!" he screamed back
And for a split second he saw the anger
Lift from her expression and there was
A surprised fear in her eyes
He wanted to scream at her until
His voice gave out
But he didn't
Instead he just said, in a low and tattered
Whisper
"I'm what's wrong. I'm what's wrong,
Lily."
He paused and breathed.
"You're a fucking asshole," said Lily, no
Longer afraid, now looking at him like
he was a child throwing a fit in a grocery
store, disgusted and embarrassed for him
He didn't care, he couldn't care
"Well, you're a cunt," snarled Evan.
"You knew exactly what you were doing.
You're doing it to make yourself feel good
And wanted at my expense. Well, fuck you."
"No, no, no, no," Lily snarled back, temper escalating,
her integrity questioned by someone who had no
business questioning it. "No way, no way,
fuck you, FUCK YOU."
She leaned forward into his face, eyes blazing.
"Who the fuck do you think you are? You don't
Know what the fuck I'm thinking. You want the
Entire world to just, like, start caring about
You right now just because
Some bad shit happened to you?
FUCK OFF!
You think
By acting like a sensitive little pussy you're gonna
Somehow get me interested in sleeping with you?
You're a pussy. You're a fucking pussy. I'd never
Fucking TOUCH YOU."
"I'm a good fucking person," shouted Evan.
I do the right thing. I try to do the right thing.
And you know what? It doesn't matter!
It doesn't matter if you're good or not, it
Just matters if you have power, it just matters
If you have money, and I don't have either!
Lily looked at him, shaking her head.
"Poor fucking baby," said Lily. "Cry me
A fucking river."
Evan calmed down a bit, the worst of the
steam blown off.
"Jason was right," he said.
A car blew past them, twin jets of water
Spraying off its wheels.
The initial torrent had subsided to
A mild rain, the clouds were lighter
the storm had been no more than a
brief summer squall, now receding
into the east.
Evan turned the windshield wipers on.
The windshield cleared.
They'd come to rest on the eastern shoulder
Of the highway, the rumble strip underneath
the left wheels.
Slightly off-kilter but still facing the right
Direction.
Evan turned the Civic's headlights on.
They were lucky, Evan realized.
They'd done a complete 360 turn in a
Downpour and hadn't hit anything
Or flipped over.
They were extremely lucky.
Transcendentally lucky.
The fields stretched out to either side
Like before.
An exit sign stood about twenty feet away.
Why had he done that?
He'd been angry
But why?
The stupidity crashed into him
He was not a good person
He was a moron
He was a spoiled brat
He was a fucking peasant loser
"It doesn't matter, you're right," he said. "I'm
A shit person, and I should blow my head off,
Too."
"Fuck you," said Lily. "Just take me home."
Evan exhaled, took his foot off the brake.
He'd been holding it all the way to floor,
His leg locked.
They pulled off the shoulder, Evan's
Hands trembling on the steering wheel
As they got back up to speed, gradually.
Another car blew past them in the
Fast lane, its horn blaring.
Evan flipped the wipers on to high, and they began their
metronomic dance.
They rode in the heaviest of silences for another few
Miles before Lily spoke again.
"I can't believe you just fucking did that."
Evan didn't say anything. He looked at her hands
Holding her phone. She was shaking, and her
Eyes were wet and scared and still beautiful.
"There's a Mcdonald's up here at this exit. I want
You to drop me off," she said.
Evan's ribcage seemed to cave inward.
"What? How will you get home?"
"Daddy's coming to get me."
"You told him that just happened?"
"Yeah, he said he'll be right down to
Get me."
Evan swallowed hard.
"I don't blame you."
They took the exit, the windshield wipers
Shearing the water off the windshield,
Gushing like tears.
The McDonald's was off to the left
The rain was letting up already, the summer
Heat creeping back in to mist the moisture
From the blacktop as Evan parked the Civic
The air reeked of ozone
Lily undid her seatbelt, reached in the back
Seat for her bag, grabbed it.
Evan was so ashamed he could hardly speak.
"I can't believe I just did that either, Lily."
"Yeah, you really just fucked up. I thought
We were dead."
He swallowed again.
"I'm sorry, Lily. I'm sorry."
"Yeah, I guess you are."
Lily opened the door, swung her foot out.
"Wait, Lily, please."
Then she was gone, slamming
The door.
Evan sat there, not moving.
He lay back, shut his eyes, and
Thought of nonexistence.