>Be Evan

>Be five years later, fall 2015

>Be working at an office, doing controls work for automation

>It's an okay gig, he's not very good at it but he's learning, and it pays well.

>He's sitting at his desk in the office one October afternoon, typical day, working on an AutoCad drawing.

>He gets a phone call from a random unrecognized number, lets it go to voicemail.

>He listens to the voicemail during a bathroom break a few minutes later.

>The voice is one he hasn't heard in years.

>Hey, man, it's Marty Trent, your childhood friend from down the street. Not sure if you remember me... but, uh... but yeah, I thought I'd check in on you. Been years and years. Give me a call, let's catch up.

>Evan is so surprised and excited to hear Marty's voice that he can't wait. He tells his co-worker he'll be back, gets up and goes to his car.

>He dials the number. It rings for a bit and the line clicks.

>Hello?

>Marty, it's Evan. What's going on?

>Hey, man! How you been?

>Been all right, how you been?

>Been good, been good. Been fucking forever, man.

>It has! How did you find my number?

>Your LinkedIn page, man. I googled ya.

>Ah, I gotcha... so, wow, I was not expecting to hear from you, but it's really good to, man. What spurred this sudden phone call?

>Well, kind of a couple things, actually-- my mom just passed away last week.

>Oh, wow, says Evan. I'm so sorry.

>The words sounded as hollow as they had when people had said them to Evan over Jason. It was obligatory, shallow, insufficient, and necessary.

>Well, thanks, but yeah, she was really sick for a long time, so... but anyway, I was going through all my old shit cause I'm selling the house she was living in, and I found that old fucking Diablo shirt, man, the one I was wearing when I met you, waaaaay back when. At the block party.

>No shit.

>And the thing is, guess what? That actually wasn't Diablo, it was just some random red t-rex that kind of looked like him.

>I was gonna say, now that I think about it, I don't think they ever made Primal Rage shirts.

>But yeah, so I saw that and I thought about you and I was like I need to see about getting in touch with that motherfucker again. But I saw you don't have a Facebook anymore—

>Yeah, I deleted it, says Evan.

>--yeah, I barely use mine, but, yeah, I googled you just to see if anything would come up, and got your LinkedIn, and, yeah... so, how you been? What you up to?

>I'm all right, man, I'm all right. I'm doing controls work now, for the auto industry. It's all right. It's finally allowing me to live on my own and save money. I feel like a real grown up now, haha.

>Ah, good to hear, good to hear.

>How are you?

>I'm good, man, I'm a contractor, uh, I do construction, lotta commercial shit, got a team working for me all over the state. Got a wife, two kids, two dogs, mortgage. Fully domesticated male.

>Evan laughs.

>Wow, yeah, I didn't know you were a dad. How old are your kids, how long you been married?

>Uh, been married for three years now, and I got a three year old and a one year old. Boy and a girl.

>Wow, that's amazing, man.

>What about you, you got a lady?

>No, man, still single, single as hell. Just work too much, I guess. It's cool, though.

>Ah.

>Evan asked the question he'd wanted to ask since getting the voicemail.

>Uh, so how's Lily? You talk to her at all lately?

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>Uh, Lily died, actually, man. Uh, she died like three years ago.

>The words go off in Evan's head like grenades.

>What?

>Yeah. She, uh, she overdosed, actually. She had a pretty wicked heroin habit that no one was aware of.

>Evan's mind flashes to her in the McDonald's, through the windows beaded with summer rain, her feet crossed under the table, texting. The last time he'd seen her.

>It flashes to her chewing on a strand of hair at the block party as he and Marty walked inside so Marty could show him Primal Rage, the first time he'd seen her.

>It flashes to her coming out of the bathroom at the Motel 6 with a white flower in her hair, her brown eyes shining.

>It flashes to waking up in Matt's basement with her face resting on his chest and his arms around her.

>Evan hasn't thought of any of this in years. Now he's thrust back into it.

>Wow, Evan says. Wow. That... that fucking sucks, man. I really don't know what to say.

>Yeah, neither did I. I hadn't talked to her in a couple years, at that point.

>The knowledge sits in the pit of Evan's gut. All the memories and all the guilt, back in an instant after time had buried them.

>He's always thought someday he'd get a chance to make up with Lily, to really apologize.

>He says the first thing he can think of.

>Do you by any chance know where she's buried?

>Uh, actually, dude, I feel like the shittiest brother ever for saying this but I honestly don't know, man, I don't know, I just heard she died because my mom called and told me when it happened, and the cops had called her... they'd found her in this apartment she was living in, she'd been dead for like a week. I think they cremated her and my mom scattered the ashes somewhere. They never held a service or anything, my mom couldn't afford it cause she was getting sick right around then, and she didn't like talking about it. I don't know, I never talked to her much about it. I'll regret it the rest of my life, though. I was afraid to ask, and now I'll never know.

>Evan doesn't say anything, the news has struck him dumb.

>Marty keeps talking.

>To be perfectly honest, she had kind of severed ties with me once we both moved out. I tried to keep in touch with her but she moved around so much it got kind of hard, she rarely answered texts, would never use her Facebook or anything. I kind of was pissed at her over it and so I kind of pushed her away, too. But I think she wanted me out of her life just like mom and Larry.

>I remember Larry. I heard he hung himself.

>Yeah, fucking years ago. I hate to say this but he kind of deserved it, too. He was a nasty dude.

>That's what Lily said.

>Yeah... I didn't think it would hit you like this, bro.

>I just, I don't know, I wasn't expecting that, I guess... you know she came to Nashville with me back in 2010 when I auditioned for American Idol, right?

>Yeah, I remember, she'd mentioned something about that the last time I'd talked to her. You didn't get in, right?

>No, no, I'm glad I did it, but no. I'm just, that's kind of why. If that had never happened I wouldn't have ever really known her as anyone other than your sister, you know? So yeah, I'm kind of... that really sucks to hear, man. I wasn't expecting that.

>Yeah, shit, man, I'm sorry to dump all this on you. I just wanted to see how you've been. I've been doing way better lately, I guess I kind of pushed it all to the back of my mind or something... but yeah. Sorry to be so fucking depressing. I really just wanted to talk to you. We had a lot of good times in the old neighborhood.

>Yeah, we did, says Evan. I'm glad you called me. It's good to hear from you. Where are you living now?

>I'm down in Texas. Outside of Dallas. You should come for a visit sometime. Meet the wifey and the kids.

>Yeah, that'd be nice.

>They chat for about a half an hour longer, Evan sitting in the car in the warm autumn sun. When they hang up, Evan says he's glad to have heard from Marty, and he hopes they can get together sometime soon. Marty concurs.

>But once the call is over, all Evan can think about is Lily.

>He types a text and sends it to Maddie.

>Never do heroin, it says.

>An almost instant reply buzzes in.

>HURRRRRRRRRR, it says.

>Maddie's a junior in high school now. Her GPA is good enough that she's thinking of applying to U of M early. She's thinking about becoming a teacher but doesn't know for sure. These days the scars on her forehead are only visible if you know where to look for them.

>Evan can't go back inside yet.

>Almost on cue, his boss texts him.

>Where'd you go?

>He texts his boss back, I'm taking an early lunch.

>He pulls out of the parking lot and drives.

>He turns the radio on, trying to give his mind something else to focus on.

>There's a soft rock love song playing, that Ed Sheeran kid, delicately fingered guitar chords.

>The words are sung in expressive, sugar-sweet tones, talking about never growing old and being forever in someone's mind and memory.

>Evan turns the radio off, but the damage is done.

>Lily's face flashes into his mind, involuntarily, and will not go away no matter how much he wills it.

>Her smile, her jet black hair. Her dancing in Matt Nelson's basement, naked. At the Deja Blue, leaning against the wall on her phone. Always on her phone.

>The way she'd looked the day he'd gotten his wristband, after he'd made an awkward move on her the night before. The flower in her hair, the transformation she'd undergone, how she looked without the make-up the first couple days, tired and unhappy but with a natural beauty and allure that turned heads anywhere she went.

>How appropriate that he had seen her like that, at her most beautiful, for the first time, only hours after making a pitiful attempt to fuck her.

>He hadn't been worthy of her, stripper or not, drug addict or not, easy lay for so many other men or not.

>He'd been so lonely and scared. He'd only wanted to touch her again, and for her to want him, like he'd foolishly thought she'd wanted him, the night he'd awakened from his intoxication to find her crawling into his arms.

>Forever in my mind and memory

>It's a wave. Evan feels it well up inside him, crest, spill over.

>Evan feels himself crack. He puts a hand over his eyes. His throat swells. Out comes a pathetic noise. Then another. Then another. His eyes gush salty.

>He pulls over onto a residential street and parks in front of the first house on the right.

>He lets it take him over.

>As he crumbles, as he struggles to contain himself, he knows that he isn't crying just for Lily. He's crying for Jason. Half a decade later, he's finally letting it out.

>That was what he had wanted when he had stood in Jason's room the day he'd come back from Nashville. The day he'd nearly killed himself and Lily. The day he'd scared her off forever. The day he'd gone to the hill at watched the God's Eye blink at the stars.

>He'd wanted to let it out.

>And now he was.

>For a moment it's so strong, he's afraid it'll never stop.

>But stop it does, tapering off, like a summer thunderstorm.

>And when the waves subside, he feels it all lift from him.

>Somehow, just like that, it lifts.

>He sits there.

>What now, he thinks.

>After everything.

>What now? What do I do?

>The answer is simple.

>Now you keep going.

>Now you keep going.

>Evan puts the car back into drive, and is off again.