>Be Evan.

>Be 19.

>Be hanging with his buddy Brian Dinkins, whom he met in sixth grade English class.

>Brian has discovered a book called The Game by Neil Strauss. It's about Strauss's time in the Pick-Up Artist community.

> Neither Brian nor Evan has ever kissed a girl, nor done anything more than a hug.

>They both feel very cheated about this. Very left out. It seems the rest of their friends get laid on a damn near regular basis, whether they have a significant other or not.

>It is an excruciating condition, a pain that can only be shared with another male that understands it.

>But The Game teaches unsuccessful guys how to get women to be interested in them without the women even knowing it.

>Brian explains.

>I read this in ONE NIGHT, man. You know how I feel about reading. And I got through it in ONE NIGHT. It's THAT GOOD.

>What does it teach? Like, what do you do?

>Dude, it's like, you have this way of manipulating women. They base it on evolutionary biology and, like, mating and shit.

>Yeah, but what do you do?

>The key is, to like, find them in a club, and you have THREE SECONDS- got it?- THREE SECONDS to go and approach them. Any longer and they'll think you're a pussy and they won't be interested. You blow it after three seconds. But if you see one you like you have THREE SECONDS to just go up and start talking to her.

>What do you say?

>Well, that's the thing. You just look at them and get a feel for the situation, and then the key is to INSULT them but REALLY subtle-like. They call it negging.

>Nagging?

>No, negging. With an 'e'. I think it's short for negative or something like that.

>Oh.

>Yeah, so you neg them. And by negging them, you make them think you're not interested. Remember that movie Homeward Bound? It's like in Homeward Bound when the cat pretends to not want the shrimp and then the little girl gives her the fucking shrimp, right? And then the Michael J Fox dog is like, "Fuck, it works," right? It's the same thing here. You act like you don't want it. And that makes them interested in you. Cause they'll start to get pissed off, like, why is this douche making comments about my hair and shit? And sooner or later, she'll start to think that's kinda hot. Cause women like guys that don't give a fuck, right? You have to act like you don't need it. Like you can get it from fucking ANYWHERE, right?

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>So you, just, like, insult them?

>Yeah, but not, like, blatantly. You just have to make little comments, or make them feel insecure. That's the key—make them feel insecure.

>Huh.

>So they let their guard down.

>Yeah.

>And then when their guard's down, you FUCK them.

>Huh.

>Yeah, and then you covertly, like, just ask them if, like, they want to go back to your place. Or you take them to another bar. Just get them comfortable to hanging out with you. Cause if you negged them right, they'll think you don't give a fuck and that'll make them want to impress you so you'll give them your valuable attention, right? But anyway, you always make sure to end up back at your place. And once that's done then you like, chill for a bit, and finally, you ask them if they want to kiss you. And if you've done it all right, they'll say yes. And you're in. You're in to WIN.

>Evan doesn't quite get it, but he asks if he can borrow the book.

>No, man, I still need mine for reference, but I can show you where to buy it. We can go get one right now if you want.

>They do so, speeding to the Borders in Brighton.

>Evan stays up the next few nights devouring the book.

>He imagines the relief of finally subduing the rampant storm in his bowels.

>But somehow, still, as the weeks pass, neither he nor Brian find themselves in positions where there are girls around with whom to try the PUA tricks.

>I think we've been had, says Brian one day during a particularly depressing outing to the mall.

>They see many attractive young ladies walking about, always in groups just like the book says.

>I never noticed how women are never alone, says Evan.

>Yeah, it's bullshit, said Brian. I can't even get the balls to go say hi.

>They sit in the food court, trying to get up the courage to go and "open" a group.

>A few times Evan tries to get up and head in the direction of a potential target, but his body fails him and he stays seated at the table.

>They got Taco Bell upon arrival, and their half-eaten chalupas and burrito lay forgotten on their wrappers.

>Brian's acne-scarred cheeks are beet red. He finally explodes after yet another appealing group comes and goes without being approached.

>Why can Rob and Matt just get them without even fucking TRYING and we can't even get ONE?

>I dunno, says Evan.

>I'm not a complete slob, I shower every day, I brush my fucking teeth, I wipe my ass, I try to be nice to people... what more is there?

>I dunno, man, says Evan.

>I can't pretend I don't need it, says Brian as they get up and head for the exit. That's the problem. I can't pretend. I DO need it. Once I've had it once, I can probably act like I don't. But I gotta break through that one barrier. The glass ceiling, man. Fuck.

>They take off, tossing out their meals, and drive home stewing in their own bitter juices.