My carriage left my aunt's palace for my residence. The road was a bit bumpy. Thick curtain with fine embroidery shielded me from sunlight.

I sit tightly on soft seat, head up, neck stiff, hands and feet cold. I kept the position obstinate and proud since I had stepped out of the palace and gotten in my carriage. Now, I was alone inside while my stiff body seemed out of my control. A freezing and strong force was infused into me to support my will and to make me tough.

However blank was filled in my brain. I was in daze, as if I walked in fog. I could not see clearly and not grasp all.

It was far from the palace while aunt's words still sounds around me.

Her words made me alternate coldness and hotness as if I went into fire and ice.

My hands clutched each other, and my nails sank in palm. Such a pain could not even arouse me from panic.

Dim sound of whipping came ahead as my attendants cleared road which was flanked with crowded bystanders. They warded off with clamors.

They knew that there were guardians keeping me from them and even they got closest and could not see me, but they still scrambled for getting close to see me, Shang Yang Infanta. They were excited as long as seeing my carriage or smelling my perfume.

I had been accustomed to the clamors; however, at this moment, I felt bitter and hard.

Who they saw was not me but Shang Yang Infanta.

Who they scrambled for seeing was the daughter of Wang's clan, renowned in the kingdom and doted on by the queen and the emperor.

No one cared about who I was, pretty or ugly, cheery or weepy.

It was like a dream. In trance my tears surged before I burst out laughing.

In the clamor, I secretly lifted up curtain.

The bystander crowds reduced to quietness.

In bright sunshine of autumn, I looked aside at them, smiling.

The quiet crowds broke out sudden and louder clamor, which almost flooded me. Dropping the curtain, I closed my eyes and leaned on seat. Finally I laughed out with tears.

If I was not born in Wang's, at this moment I was not in high carriage and admired by the crowds. Perhaps, I was like the girl who sold flowers in crowd, watching me on tiptoe, or like a maid who followed my carriage, walking in dust.

Who cared about beauty of a girl selling flowers, nor about talent and beautifulness of a maid.

Comparing to them, I just had a status more than they.

In trance I did not realize arrival at home.

When I entered inner courtyard before returning to my room, I heard distant cries of my mother.

I grasped Jin'er's hand, feeling dizzy, floor shaking and heart sinking and floating. In this familiar courtyard, I dared not step forwards.

It was short from front courtyard to inner hall but I trek across.

A bang startled me and Jin'er.

A fine tribute teacup was thrown out and shattered, with my mother grieved weeping. “You are not her father, and not the minister!”

“Jinru, as the First Princess, you should know this is a national affair, instead of our family one.” My father's voice was low and helpless.

I stopped at door, freezing.

Jin'er beside me kept shivering. I turned to look at her. This little girl was scared.

I gave her a smile while in her bright and clear eyes I saw my face being paler than hers.

My mother's voice sounded slightly hoarse and grieved, instead of usually graceful and calm. “I don't care about the princess and the national affair. I am just a mother! Parents in the world love children more than themselves. Ain't you Afu's father? Ain't you sad?”

“I am not only father of my daughter and son, but the eldest son of Wang's clan and the incumbent minister.” Father's voice was trembling. “Jinru, you and I have not only children but clan and nation!” Afu's marriage is beyond our family. It is an alliance of our clan, and even of our aristocrats.

“Let my daughter marry for alliance and winning the military support. What are your officials at the court doing?” Mother rebuked him.

The rebuke stabbed my heart. Yes, Ma, it was the very question I try to ask.

Father had no answer and reduced to silence. The sudden silence choked me.

I thought no answer from father but he spoke slowly and weakly. “Do you yet think nowadays our aristocrats still have its past heyday? This kingdom was peaceful like before?”

His voice sounded hoarse so soon that it seem not his voice. My tall and foresighted father, when are you aged and helpless like so?

My heart was pulled tightly as if an invisible hand held and dragged down.

“You are born in depth of the royal palace and then marry me in our residence. What you experience were the splendid things. However, don't you really know national problems? The royal court is stricken with problems for long years; military power has fallen into the generals; riots and refugees are rampant. The splendor of the aristocrat clans has long gone... Wang's splendor last to now. Do you thing that it depends only on imperial marriage?”

Saying nothing, mother kept weeping.

Father continued. His words were like icy water pouring down.

“Also, you witnessed Xie's and Gu's clans declining. In past, which of them had no enormous power and no imperial marriage? Jinru, you know these but refused to believe them. These years I have been managing to maintain power of aristocrat clans. If there is no Qing Yang King with military prestige, I could not do.”

Qing Yang King, who passed away two years ago, still astounded me in hearing this title. It was ever a symbol of our forceful army of the kingdom.

I had two aunts. One was the queen, the other wife of the king.

The younger aunt died early from illness while her husband, Qing Yang King, guarded the border for long term. Even I had little impression on him.

“Two years ago the king passed away. The royal members and aristocrats lost their military power. Nobody can succeed to him.”

Father sounded hoarse, helpless and melancholy.

“After the war of seven years, no young aristocrats are willing to join up as in the first place they are fond of literature and reluctant to compete.

They like amusement night by night, drinking wine and talking about literature. Even they do nothing everyday, they still have inherited salary and position.

The young men in army were from the humble families. They fought and bled to gain the power and position. They were not despised military men any more. Yu Zhang King is the unique one to hold the military power and we depends on him who brings peace and stability to this kingdom. Not to mention aristocrat clans, even the imperial clan respects him. Now he had a great achievement, and the emperor himself promised a marriage to him. Out of my expectation, he asked for Afu... If we decline the proposing, it makes his Majesty break his promise and Wang's clan offend the military big shot. Thus the rift is widened between our clan and the military. If we promise, we get the military support again.

“Dad, it is not a man's deed to solidify our clan's power and position by a girl's marriage.”

My brother spoke behind me. Surprisingly he stood long there.

“Bro!” I exclaimed and raised my arm to stop him.

Ignoring me, he opened the door and stood dauntless to face parents.

My eyes were dimmed by tears and I could not see parents' expression.

“Please, no....” I rushed in the room and pulled his sleeve. He shook off my pull and kneeled upright. “Dad, I want to join up!”

With a shiver, I seemed to be shocked by lightning.

Father stood with gray hairs on his temples quivering. His hale body stooped at the moment.

Mother shook and fell into seat before she cried out.

In a hurry I tried to step up to hold her while my legs buckled.

“Afu --”, father and brother exclaimed at the same time. Brother rushed to hold me.

In his arms, I felt relaxed at once as he held me to bed in childhood when I fell into sleep in reading. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, showing them a bright laughter.

Their faces became clear in my eyes.

I lowered head shyly. “I have long admired Yu Zhang King. To marry such a hero is my honor.”

Silence, deadly silence.

“You, You--”. Mother trembled, pointing at me and uttering few words.

Brother's hands, which were holding me, got colder and tighter.

Father stared at me more bitterly.

I raised my head up to have eye contact with father. I heard my firm and hoarse voice. “I would like to marry Xiao Qi, Yu Zhang King.”

The final result changed the dilemma and pacified everyone's upset.

After three day, the emperor's decree of my marriage came, and all members of my families kowtowed for gratitude.

Yu Zhang King marring Shang Yang Infanta caused a great sensation in the capital.

They said that one was a great hero with enormous power and the other was a belle like a gold branch with jade leaves. The marriage was acclaimed widely. It was a heaven-made match and a bond of gold and jade. Who did not like hero and belle? Who did not envy perfect couple?

Perhaps, yes, they did.

Finally I realized that a good marriage just needed equal social ranks, instead of loving each other.

Thus, I already ignored people's comments and views.

My father, my mother, my brother... each of them said something to me, and I seemed to remember it and to forget it.

The emperor and the queen summoned me and told me something. Also I forgot it.

Yu Zhang King's betrothal gifts were so generous as to surprise us; the emperor's bestowal came one by one.

It took three days to carry the dowry that the queen granted to me into my residence.

wedding dress, phoenix coronet, embroidery robe, jewelry, and more.

Wedding chaperon told me that the second prince's wedding was even not so luxurious and remarkable.

Wanrong came to see me. In the name of wife of the crown prince, she congratulated me on my wedding.

I dismissed the maids and attendants. When only she and I stayed, she cried.

“Zidan does not receive the news of your wedding yet.” She shed melancholy tears.

I lowered my head and played with a phoenix-shape hairpin bedecked with precious red beads, which she gave me as dowry, and I smiled slightly to her. “After his mourning term, he has to marry too. Time flew so fast.... Though we were close playmate in our childhood, we have to be separated in grown-up.

Tears in sentimental eyes, Wanrong stared up at me. “Can you really forget him?”

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With eye contact, I smiled and insert the hairpin into my bun. In mirror, I saw myself smile and posture calmly.

“I always admire the upstanding and dauntless hero. Yu Zhang King is the man I would like to marry.”

I told to Wanrong as well as to myself.

Since then, Wanrong had not come to see me again, excepting my wedding.

Zidan could hear my words from her.

Zidan would blame and hate me and then forgot me.

Zidan would marry a beautiful and elegant lady.

They would love and respect each other. They would live through their whole lives.

Zidan, Zidan, Zidan...

My world spun with the sky full of his names and looks.

Shreds of pain, though they were not sharp, expanded from the depth of my heart and hurt me.

Wedding date was coming.

There was bustle and hustle in my residence. Auntie Xu and other servants came in and went out everyday for preparation of my wedding.

I however idled as now I needed not greeting to the queen and going out. What I did was that I sit upright in room and learned rite and etiquette from old ladies from the palace. They taught me one by one -- what I should do and what should not. Continually I was congratulated on my wedding, hearing much of praise.

From morning to evening, I went through the dizzy and busy time.

In the evening I always read to midnight when I was too sleepy to open eyes.

Thus, I had no energy and time to consider much and to miss Zidan.

Occasionally, I recalled the name of my would-be husband who was both dim and clear to me. I could not reminisce about his figure and never saw his look. The glimpse of him in the ceremony always lingered before me.

This name, Xiao Qi, would be associated with me in my lifetime.

Wife of Yu Zhang King meant that I was not careless Shang Yang Infanta any more. With this identification and the total stranger, I would go through my unknown life.

After fifth days was my wedding date.

My wedding was held in accordance with the rite of princess wedding. At midnight I was dressed up; before dawn I made my farewell to parents by kneeling and then entered the palace to express gratitude to the emperor and the queen. My honor guard team walked through Taihua Gate, Xuanhua Gate, Kunde Gate and Fengyi Gate... Happy music was played loudly and the road to Yu Zhang King's residence chartered by the emperor was paved with red cloth and sprinkled with Albizia flowers which flew up in wind. Six hundred palace attendants held red and opulent flags and umbrella and clustered around my red sedan with painting of six phoenixes. The long lines marched like a dragon winding, moving through palace town, imperial town and imperial palace, and reached the king's residence.

In my bridal chamber, two bridal chaperons and other maids and valets awaited to serve. Outside, wedding music kept playing.

Phoenix coronet, wedding dress and heavy bridal veil held me still as if I was bound.

Jin'er babbled about the auspicious and celebrating words to make me happy while I was too tired to listen.

From midnight to now, I was tossed. Under the thick veil, my vision was dim and I was in chaos. In whole day I kept hearing the noisy music played.

With a muddled head, the chaperons ushered me into the hall and then into this bridal chamber.

Here I got calm awhile and the chaperons started to disturb me by praying and celebrating.

According to our custom, I could not eat or drink until the bridegroom entered the bridal chamber.

Thanks to Jin'er's considerateness, she secretly gave me a bowl of swallow nest, or I did not know if I could sit until now.

After a while, I had to face the most uneasy moment in this evening.

The man, awed as god and demon, now became my husband.

Just now I and he kowtowed to Heaven and Land. In the veil I peeked at his toe tips.

So close was he.

On that day I looked distantly at him, being appalled, and today he was beside me while I feel no fear.

This was my marriage, my husband.

I had rather feel uneasy than face him straight.

Also, he was flesh and blood. Maybe he was not so horrible, or maybe my marriage was not so bad.

As my brother soothed me, Yu Zhang King is a indomitable man and hero. It was a good bond that a hero married a belle.

I gave him a calm smile. Maybe.

As long as it was not the worst, there was a hope.

I did not realize when outside music stopped.

It was early. Why did they end the wedding banquet?

After a while, the chaperons whispered.

I stood up with a surprise, trying to let Jin'er go out to see what happen while I heard footsteps coming.

In wake of them, shouts sounded outside.

“General, you wear armor and carry sword, and these can bring bad luck. Please keep away from this bridal chamber. Stop here.”

“I am ordered by the king to report to the princess in person.”

A man's voice sounded firm as stone, without any emotion, and it spoiled this amorous evening.

“I can forward it for you. The princess is at wedding rite and can’t see anyone.”

“It is urgent. The king asked me to report it beyond the etiquette. I beg the princess's pardon.”

Auntie Xu outside the door argued with him in a trace of anger.

Standing up, I felt dizzy.

“Watch out, princess.”Jin'er held me quickly.

The coronet on my head was so heavy that I could not straighten my neck.

I managed to brace myself and walked up to the door. I spoke calmly. “I am here. Please tell me.”

It was silent outside for a while. The man spoke firmly and impassively. “Princess, just now we received a wax-sealing mail of an emergency -- Jizhou City fell and the front situation is very urgent. The king has headed for the barracks. He will lead troop to aid the front as soon as possible. Especially he sent me to report it to you. Because it was an emergency, he had no time to say good-bye to you. After he represses the rebellion, he will come back to beg your pardon.”

An abrupt blank was my mind.

For a moment, I seemed to recover.

He meant that in this wedding evening, my husband never stepped into the bridal room and left home for the front.

I did not even hear his voice and see his face, and I was left thus in bridal room where I am alone to go through my wedding evening.

Suddenly I want to laugh but could not.

In the first place, the impressive Yu Zhang King was the one to ask for the emperor's bestowal of marriage, with intention of alliance with my clan.

Regardless of his purpose and willingness, it was the marriage that he asked for by himself.

I still did my best to perform the wedding while at this moment, a wax-sealing mail made him leave me immediately. Even he could not be bothered to play at me! How much time did it cost to say good-bye in person? Even the front situation was so urgent but he still had a moment for farewell.

I did not care about our consummation nor his empathy with my feelings.

However I could not stand such an affront to me and my clan.

Remarkable change took place and ruined the amorous moment.

My attendants and servants were dumbfounded, and even Jin'er dared not say anything.

Perhaps they had never seen a bridegroom leaving bride at wedding, so they stared each other in dismay, freezing.

The phoenix coronet on my head was so heavy as to make me stifle.

I burst into long laughter finally in this cold and lonely room.

I pushed open the door bedecked with word of “Happiness”. Cold evening wind blew to my face, lifting up my bridal veil.

I pulled off the veil, brightness in my eyes.

The attendants and servants were astonished, kneeling. The head chaperon persuaded me. “Princess, please don't pull off the veil because the wedding is ongoing.”

Several men in armors carrying sword stood before me. The head of the men was dumbfounded as he saw me removing the veil. Having staring at my face for a moment, he recovered and kneeled down, so did his companions. Their iron armors clacked.

I gave flinty stare to the man whose iron armors glistened in cold. He kneeled still as stone statue.

It was my first time to see a soldier in heavy armors and with sword emerging so close before me.

This was the guard chief of Yu Zhang King, my husband, and I could not imagine what my husband was like, stony and heartless.

With the imagination, I laughed instead of anger. I threw the veil on the ground. “Please hand this over to the king. Tell him that now that it was beyond the wedding etiquette, he does not deign to come here.”

The chaperon stopped me hurriedly. “Princess, please calm down. The veil should not be taken away. It is ominous.”

“What are you saying?” I said coldly. “Yu Zhang King is born to be wise and he has good luck. I am fortunate to marry him.”

“Princess, please take it back. I will forward your words to the king. Please take care.” The man lowered his head and held the veil in hands to me. His tone was weak in last sentence, which was not as hard as that in the former.

I smile a little and said, “General, you dare to walk straight to the bridal chamber. Are you afraid of such an easy thing?”

The man flushed and did a loud kowtow. “I should be blamed.”

Yu Zhang King himself did not say good-bye, and that was enough; even a minor chief dared walk straightly in and speak in hard tone. How arrogant were they!

My father was right. These generals with military power held our aristocrats in little awe.

From now, I was married; thus I had to be surrounded by the military men.

Evening wind pierced my clothes. I nodded slightly, full of depression.

“Please return. I do not see you off.”

I turned away and stepped into the chamber. The door slammed to shut.

In the chamber with red and festive decoration, I was lonely to face a pair of big and red candles that shed their tears.

For a whole night, I locked myself in the room and refused to open door in any requests. Even my mother was refused.

They worry too much. I was neither sad nor angry. I am just tired and did not want to pretend to be happy.

My mind was as empty as the room. Only my shadow was reflected in the luxury and glory of the room.

With mix of desolation and despair, I put my hand on chest as if I could not sense heartbeat.

Thus, in red wedding dress, I lay on bed and fell into sleep.

There was nobody in my dream nor parents, brother and Zidan.

Only desolate me.