Waking in a panic and throwing off the covers Myles gingerly moved his hand to his abdomen only to find no wounds and much less of the dad bod he had been working on. As if that wasn’t enough to scrub any denial regarding his fatal injury the torn bloodied remains of his shirt and work trousers was.
“Well, fuck” Said Myles to no one.
Myles was stumped. He had experienced the stuff of nightmares and proceeded to lose an evening from his memory. The memory preceding the lost part was infuriatingly clear, it was what should have been his untimely death at the claws of a big pink abomination. A very different kind of claw swiped at him letting him know it was breakfast time for the lord of the house.
“Morning Charlie”
Normal was good right now and what was more normal than a cat demanding to know why its bowl is empty. Myles followed his barely domesticated apex predator to the kitchen and served up a bowl of definitely probably real meat chunks in jelly. For himself, he made a coffee and toast. Then he made some more toast. The fridge was flung open, bacon slapped on the grill and a large bowl of own brand cereal was wolfed down as the pork products sizzled away. Myles was ravenous. Before leaving for work he had emptied the fridge of all carbs and protein. But he still took time to give a big fuss to his ginger moggy, who despite being a huge threat to the local wildlife was still Myles’ furry baby.
A barely sated Myles Endeavour plonked himself down on his chair, booted up his desktop and pretended to work. However the atmosphere at work was off, how it was off Myles couldn’t put a finger on, but it felt a bit like the time he had to squeeze past Sandra and ended up with a week of sensitivity training. He got the feeling people kept staring at him when his back was turned. When he could take the tension no more he decided he would bite the bullet and ask.
“John, why does everyone keep staring at me?”
“Are you having a laugh? You walk into the Lamb & Flag covered in blood, down three pints and sat staring into space for the rest of the evening drinking whatever ever got put in front of you”
“Okay I guess that explains…”
“Then after the pub closed you ordered ten doner kebabs… have you ever seen a man eat ten doner kebabs Myles? It was like watching a train-wreck in slow motion but with lettuce and garlic mayonnaise. I think you cried at one point but just kept going and now we see that for an encore you somehow managed to bleach your hair”
Myles used his phone camera to get a good look at his hair. At some point in the last ten hours his black hair had turned white. He checked his eyes, still blue, at least nothing weird was going on with them.
“You didn’t know? absolute legend! To be fair though Myles you were a bit out of it, good job you had your mate with you to take you home”
That was new information and Myles scrabbled for more.
“My mate?” Myles asked cautiously.
“Yea, John Barrington, good taste in first names, built lad, dreadlocks. It was a pretty strong look if you ask me. I had my doubts, but no one pays for ten kebabs unless you are good mates, we got chatting about Cricket. Also I have a present for you”
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Paperwork was handed to Myles. Paperwork and a sinking feeling.
“We figured you would be hanging today an thought it would be funny to nominate you for the site visit, have fun”
Myles stood in the rain. Everyone hated site visits, company policy required something vaguely manager shaped to mill about as actual work got done. But there was no actual work for the manager shaped thing to do, it was a one-two punch of boredom and discomfort. It had become something of a soft rebuke to assign this job to people. Myles assumed he must have given the wrong person a dirty look while he was blanked out. The location in due time would be a warehouse for Arkwright & Fletcher, but that is a headache for whoever handles stock and logistics. Speaking of headaches, Myles should be begging for the sweet release of death according to the amounts John claimed he had drank. John could get a bit weird about charts, but he was not prone to exaggeration.
That train of thought had barely left the station when a couple of running workers bolted past Myles dropping their tools. Followed by another three all legging it. Chasing after them were four… somethings. If Myles was pressed he would have said they looked like giant fat creepy children wearing gorilla suits. The quartet were each a different bright colour, purple, yellow, green and red with odd antenna justing out from their heads. The green creature dragged a body behind it. The red creature was eating what looked like an arm. Monsters are real. Monsters are real Monsters. Are. Real. Myles remembered a giant footprint in a graveyard, he remembered half his sixth form being attacked in the woods, he remembered a young boy full of mischief and the lifelong friendship he never got. Myles remembered his Grandfather.
Myles found his feet firmly planted and unable, no, unwilling to move.
He was not just rooted to the spot, he was burning up and more strangely appeared to be emitting bright red sparks. Then he heard it.
“HARMLESS LITTLE BUNNY LEAPS FOR THE STARS”
What was that, it sounded like very old computer speech.
“HARMLESS LITTLE BUNNY LEAPS FOR THE STARS”
It was him, the sound was coming from his body.
“HARMLESS LITTLE BUNNY LEAPS FOR THE STARS”
Armour appeared out of nowhere fitting itself to Myles body. Powerful looking gauntlets wrapped around his hands. Vital points after vital point was protected as red sparks flew off him. Chest and shoulders clamped into place as the helmet enveloped his head. Alien characters were overlaid on his field of vision as it locked onto the charging monsters. Myles felt stronger, he could not remember that last time he had this much energy. The transformation ended with some very dangerous looking boots clicking into place and a final burst of red sparks.
“HARMLESS LITTLE BUNNY LEAPS FOR THE STARS, THAT'S NO ORDINARY RABBIT!”
The sickly bright purple creature leaped towards Myles. Its pale creepy face met an armoured fist and broke with an audible crunch. The rotund ape like thing was propelled back the way it came crashing into its fellow creatures and knocking them prone.
This was not how Myles liked to fight, number one was not at all, two was never and third was please leave a message and I will return your call sometime after hell freezes over. So why in the name of Barbara Windsors left tit was he running full speed towards human eating day-glow nightmares.
Myles jumped, higher than what should be possible for a human inside a metal suit and landed with staggering accuracy on the green creatures head. Bones and tissue were reduced to paste under his boot.
First to its feet the red ape like creature screamed at the loss of its brother and rushed towards Myles. sidestepping the clumsy attack he punched it in the head and kicked its legs out from under it. Picking up a dropped shovel he put it back down again right through the red creatures lower back. It twitched and kicked but the monsters time as a living being was quickly drawing to a close.
“Hope the arm was worth it arsehole”
Myles was slammed in the side by the yellow monster and landed awkwardly, rolling to a stop against a portable toilet that had seen better days. Mere moments later both the purple and yellow ape things were stomping on his face. His hand caught a yellow foot and twisted. Bones splintered. Chopping hard with his other hand Myles severed the damaged yellow leg and used it to block a stomping purple foot. Taking the opportunity to stand up, Myles drew back the severed leg and whacked the purple creature with enough force to decapitate it.
He supposed he could have let the yellow one bleed out, but why take the risk. Myles beat it to death with its own severed leg. As the life signs faded to nothing, the armour disengaged leaving a very tired, very confused Myles Endeavour.
“I suppose a Happy birthday is in order”
Myles looked up to see who had spoken. There stood a tall black man, impeccably groomed and dressed to the nines. The stranger offered a hand out to Myles who took the help.
“Try not to worry about this, we all go a little wild on our first time… But I’ll admit I’ve never seen one of those things beaten to death with its own leg before.
“Sorry what, what just happened?”
“We should probably find a quiet place to sit down and talk. My name is John Barrington and as thanks for saving my life, I’m the man who has ruined yours.”