After wandering around the black temple for what felt like hours, Everly finally stumbled across a hidden chamber in the southeast corridor. It was a large space that made her believe it might have belonged to the lord of this place, kind of like a boss room in a videogame. But whatever purpose it was meant for, it was now completely empty, except for the four skeletons that had been left to molder at random spots throughout the area.

Oh, the skeletons and the floating axe in the center of the room.

The talking floating axe.

The talking floating axe that refused to shut up.

“Yeah, these were my party members,” it said in a carefree voice as it casually pointed itself at each of the skeletons. "That’s Keith, he was our fearless leader. Or was that Jaxon? That’s Jaxon by the way. This is Jera, she was a real sweetie, just a total charmer. And that’s Ladelle, spoiler alert, she’s a monster bitch. Yeah, I said you were a bitch, Ladelle! I only said it because it’s true! Stay mad if you want, it suits your personality! God, can you believe her? She’s so hooked on drama you should check her for track marks!”

“Okay…then,” said Everly slowly while she tried to figure this creature out.

“Oh, our healer Daniel is around here somewhere too. Jeez, where did Daniel go? Has anyone seen Daniel? God, that guy is useless. Bad call on recruiting him, Keith! Or was that Jaxon?”

“I’m sure he’ll turn up somewhere,” Everly said dryly.

“Nah, he’s probably dead. They’re all dead, you know. We walked in here thinking that this was a boss room. Nope! Turned out to be a trap set by one of my ex-honey bunnies. You ever piss off an earth goddess before? Don’t! They hold grudges!”

“Apparently, they do,” Everly nodded.

“Totally! She sealed me in here and then plunked this entire temple out of reality so I could never return home. Then just to taunt me, she cursed me so that I could only leave if someone willingly bore me. That was so harsh! She didn't even tell me that until after everyone else had already died from...mysterious circumstances."

“Surprisingly, I think I believe you,” Everly said. “So, is that the exit over there?” she asked as she pointed towards a large, closed doorway.

“Yeppers,” said the axe. “You can’t pass through it, though. Only I can open it for you.”

“If that’s the case then why didn’t you open it for them?” she asked as she gestured at the skeletons.

“Have you ever heard of a crab bucket mentality?” asked the axe.

“Ah,” Everly said after thinking it over. “Eh, makes sense. But that still won’t stop me from leaving. I’m pretty freakin’ strong, I’ll have you know.”

“Ooh, confidence,” mocked the axe. “Okay, color me a little intrigued. I’ll tell you what: cut your palm and sprinkle a little blood on my edge, and then I’ll decide if you’re worth freeing or not.”

“Hard pass,” she promptly responded.

“Why? You afraid I’ll make you too powerful or something?”

Everly frowned to herself as she quietly considered her options while the magical weapon nattered on. She hated being called afraid of anything. She was tempted to teach this thing a lesson, but she was trying to hold fast to her earlier vow to keep her temper and think more strategically.

This axe was an interesting new development in her quest to escape the abyss and reclaim her elementals. The so-called divine weapon was clearly capable of sentient thought and even claimed it could empower whoever wielded it to levels beyond their natural limits. That sounded really tempting, especially since Everly didn’t know if she’d ever even reached her personal limits.

But there was a problem that came alongside that temptation.

And that problem was that in addition to potentially being a powerful new resource for her to command… the axe was also an aggravating jackass.

That second part really overshadowed any other possible benefits.

Everly was uncertain of what to do next. She had searched throughout the temple with great difficulty for a gateway to the next point of the abyss, but now that she had finally discovered it, what if she couldn’t find a way past the strange obsidian colored stone that barred her way? It was incredibly frustrating and as she kept trying to think of a solution, the axe kept up its mindless yammering.

Why would anyone create a talking axe? And why would they make it so head splittingly stupid?

“Why exactly would I want to do that?” Everly asked him skeptically after turning away from the gate. “Sounds utterly pointless.”

“It’s not, I swear! I just want to see if you’re the real deal,” the weapon answered back. “I’m through dealing with losers. Your blood will tell me that you’re either strong enough to hang with me in the big leagues, or you’re just another clump of meat with delusions of grandeur.”

“I’m not even here in the flesh, you chode,” Everly said dismissively. “This is a spiritual form.”

“So, what? Even if a blood offering is symbolic, it’ll still work, noob,” said the axe. “There’s no reason not to do it unless you’re feeling less than adequate.”

“So, what happens if you decide that I fall into the latter group?” Everly asked him. “What if you arbitrarily decide I’m a loser?”

“Nothing much,” replied the axe. "I’ll just cut your silly little head off so I can puppeteer your corpse around for a bit. Then I’ll sprout a few tendrils for the express purpose of doing some really sick stuff with your body.”

“How sick are we talking?” Everly asked curiously.

“Huh?” asked the axe, momentarily taken aback by her sudden interest.

“I think you heard. Are you going to wait for rigor mortis to set in so you can put me in your favorite yoga pose and go to town? Is that what’s up? It sounds disgusting but I’m lowkey fascinated,” said Everly.

“W-what?”

“Don’t say what, you nasty little creature,” Everly said disdainfully. “You’ve got my attention, I’m listening. You shot your shot, and the arrow landed. Don’t ruin it now. You said you were gonna play with my corpse. Let me hear some details. Show me the quality of your imagination. I’m a necromancer, pal, we play rough.”

“A necromancer?” the axe said in a slight daze.

“Would a visualization exercise help?” Everly asked. “Here, check it out.” Her body briefly shimmered with golden light as she changed the appearance of her clothing. Now she wore a traditional private school uniform complete with knee high socks, a plaid skirt and a blazer adorned with the crest of her old high school.

“Does this help?” she asked coyly as she spun in a circle for his inspection.

“Homina, homina, homina!” gasped the stricken axe. “Uh, yeah, it’s a good look, Blondie. It’s a real good look!”

“Yeah, I know,” Everly smirked as she examined her fingernails. “Now, you were saying something about performing some devious acts. Come on! Where’s your follow through?”

“Aww, it’s no fun at all if you’re into it,” the axe complained.

“Virgin,” Everly teased.

“I am not!” the axe protested.

“Okay. Maybe you’re just one of those losers who prefers virgins because you fear comparison to other men?”

“Stop! You’re making me sound gross!” whined the axe.

“You’re a bit of a blowhard, aren’t you, buddy? You’re looooong winded,” Everly sneered.

“You’re really starting to piss me off, kid,” said the axe angrily. “If you had ANY idea who you were dealing with, you’d be pissing in fear all over your larping gear right about now!”

“Well, I don’t know who you are, and honestly, I’m getting less interested by the moment,” yawned Everly. “Now, since you’ve proven to be a bore can you at least open up the exit for me?”

“Who the hell are you to talk to me like this?” the axe glowered.

“Who am I? Bitch, I’m the Empress,” Everly said with smug superiority. “Take a look at this planet, lumberjack. I run it.”

“Oh, yeah? WELL, FUCK YOU, I’M AN AXE—” suddenly the axe was choked off as Everly slammed her shoe against its handle and pinned it to the ground.

“Hey, asshole!” Everly yelled furiously at him, with veins popping around her neck to signal her displeasure. “NO ONE DOES A TITLE DROP AROUND HERE EXCEPT ME!”

“Stop! I can’t breathe!” gasped the axe.

“You don’t have any lungs,” replied Everly.

“I could if I wanted! Maybe even gills! What if I had gills, huh?” asked the axe.

“When you say gills, all I think of is seafood.”

“Wow. So, now we know you’re racist against mermaids!” the axe said sadly.

“Uh, how did we reach that conclusion?” Everly asked in confusion.

“You’re pretty! Do you want to be friends?” asked the axe hopefully.

“Oh, you’re going to be a handful, aren’t you?” Everly sighed as she lifted her foot, allowing the axe to float back up beside her.

“Well, yeah. Most axes are, right?” the axe said. “Your hands look pretty small, though. You’ll need to use both to get a proper grip on my huge shaft.”

“GOD DAMN IT,” Everly swore as she punched the idiot back to the ground.

“I deserved that!” the axe said cheerfully.

“Yes, you did,” agreed Everly. “By the way, axes have hafts, not shafts.”

“I know what I said,” snickered the axe.

“I gotta tell you, pal. Crazy and stupid is an interesting combination to behold,” said Everly almost admiringly. “Who are you anyway?”

“Just a smalltown boy from Earth who got up to some amusing hijinks and ended up becoming a divine weapon of unparalleled godlike might,” replied the axe. “It’s an old story that’s been told a million times before.”

“Tell it to me,” Everly insisted.

“Well, I was once just a hick from the sticks with big city dreams,” said the axe. “One day I took off to make them come true. When my bus pulled into town, this slick looking brother with a gold tooth and a fur coat walked up to me and said, wow, look at that pretty face. Come here, honey. You want something to eat? You want to make some money? And I was like, yes, daddy. And he said Cool. We gonna make you an unstoppable god-weapon and set you off on the path of destruction, and that was how my story began.”

“That’s not how your story began at all, is it?” asked Everly.

“Nope!” said the axe cheerfully. “I like to embellish.”

“I can appreciate a talented habitual liar,” Everly said.

“Thanks!” replied the axe.

“I said a talented one.”

“Phooey! You’re mean!” whined the axe.

“That’s been said before,” Everly said proudly. “You got a name, Axe-boy?”

“Sure! I’m Max! Nice to meetcha!” he said.

Everly frowned in annoyance. “Still lying, huh?”

“What?” asked Max in confusion. “No. That’s really my name! I’m Max the axe!”

“Max the axe?” repeated Everly doubtfully. “Yeah, I’m feeling skeptical about that one, bud.”

“But it’s true! You have to believe me! I’m being hoooonest!”

“God, is this what it feels like to be around me? Is this what I put other people through?” Everly asked herself in dismay. “This little encounter might be cause for some serious self-reflection.”

“Hahaha! Your face is distressed!” Max said giddily. “You’re feeling emooootions!”

“Max, just open the exit so I can get out of here,” said Everly. “I’ve got places to be and none of them include you.”

“Aw, that’s a shame, blonde girl,” replied Max. “Because, as things stand right now, I don’t feel like doing you any favors! Nope, you’re not going anywhere unless—”

“Unless I take you with me,” Everly sighed with a roll of her eyes.

“Unless you take me with you—HEY! Don’t interrupt me when I’m getting to the good part!” whined Max.

“Well, then, Max, we seem to have reached an impasse, because I don’t want to take you anywhere.”

Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.

“What? Why not? I’m great!” said Max.

“Great at working my last nerve like a rotten tooth,” countered Everly. “Listen, I don’t think our personalities would mesh well. I’m an all-powerful girl boss, and you’re clearly a needy little attention freak. What would we possibly have in common?”

“Hey, just give me a chance!” begged Max. “My last partner was a hesitant blonde too, but I totally won her over! Things turned out great for her!”

“Then where’s she at now?” asked Everly.

“I dunno, I buried her somewhere and forgot,” said Max with a shrug.

“Jesus, bro,” groaned Everly.

“Hey, life happens. Seriously, though. I can be a real asset! I wasn’t joking when I said I was a divine weapon. Once you’ve felt me coursing through your system, you’ll never want to give me up!”

“Oh, come on,” Everly said. “Listen, Jax—”

“MAX!” he yelled in annoyance.

“NO ONE CARES!” yelled back the frustrated Everly. “Listen, this is starting to feel like a negotiation. I don’t do negotiations! Obey or die, okay? Open the gateway and then get lost or I’ll kill you. This is exhausting.”

“And yet, if I die, you’re not going to be able to escape! Plus, you’ll miss out on a golden opportunity to become even stronger! Also, I can’t believe you lost to a vampire. Who does that? Tell me she at least wasn’t wearing a shirt with a ruffled collar on it while she was mud-holing you, you hopeless nerd.”

“Fuck you, it was an even fight!” lied Everly. “And how do you even know about that?”

“Nyu-DUH! I can see your thoughts, dummy,” said Max mockingly. “Mortals are easier to read than a stop sign.”

“Do it again and you’ll be begging me to stop—” said Everly.

“Hurting me, that is,” finished Max.

“Hurting you, that is—wow, that is annoying,” said Everly.

“It sure is! And that’s exactly why we should be nice to each other!”

“Me not stomping you into splinters is me being nice,” said Everly.

“You sound like my grampa!” complained Max. “He was always threatening me too! That’s probably what went wrong with my youthful development. I was once just a happy go lucky kid from a good family, living in a nice neighborhood, who idly passed the time doing good deeds for his neighbors like the good lord insists upon!"

"Ugh," groaned the pained Everly as her face dropped into her palm.

"And I loved having fun playing hopscotch and kick the can, with the fellas!” Max continued.

“How much fun could a game of ‘kick the can’ possibly be?” Everly wondered.

“Oh, it was great!” Max assured her. “We didn’t just play classical style kick the can; we also did variants! You know, like Canadian-style where you put ham in it, or Russian-style where we hit each other with it.”

“Why’s hitting each other with the can considered Russian style?” asked Everly.

“Uh, duh,” snarked Max. “Because in Mother Russia, the can kicks you.”

“FUCK,” cursed Everly, who was disappointed in herself for not seeing that coming.

“Anyway,” continued Max, “My favorite version was head-in-the-can.”

“Head-in-the-can?” Everly asked skeptically. “What the hell is head-in-the-can?”

“It was the best one!” Max said enthusiastically. “That’s the one where you pull a giant sized can over someone’s head, while he begs you to forgive him, then you stomp on the fucking thing as hard as you can, until it’s all crinkled around his face, and your heels are sore, and oops, he isn’t moving anymore, but that’s okay because maybe now the little shit will think twice before saying Max eats at Olive Garden too much, and calling me Carbs McGilicutty behind my back just because I love their flavorful, unlimited breadsticks!”

“Max?” said Everly.

“Yeeeeeah?”

“You made that entire thing up,” she said.

“What? No, I didn’t!” he gasped, as though it wounded him to his core that she could even suggest such a thing.

“Where the hell are you going to get a giant-sized aluminum can, that can fit around someone’s head?” asked Everly accusingly. “That’s completely unlikely. The logistics don’t support your claim.”

“Campell’s Soup!” shouted Max. “They pack a bunch of flavors in one can!”

“Mostly known for their salty, horrid slop with mushy vegetables stingily sprinkled in. Not for their giant cans,” said Everly. “Try again?”

“Progresso!” Max said, quickly switching brands. “They’re hardy as fuck!”

“Yeah, they sell those big fist-sized cans that’ll fill you up good. But they’re still not large enough to fit around anyone’s head,” said Everly. “You’re making shit up, Max.”

“Okay, I fibbed,” Max confessed. “There were no giant cans available. But I did once soak a tire in gasoline and lit it up after I forced it over someone’s neck.”

“Somehow, I can believe that. What was his name?” asked Everly.

“Gibby,” said Max promptly.

“Well, that’s an awful fucking name. You probably did him a favor,” Everly decided.

“Yeah, probably,” Max agreed. “But it was mostly about the breadsticks.”

“I liked their chicken fettucine,” Everly said fondly. “I had an Italian cousin who’d lose his mind every time I told him I preferred Olive Garden to our grandmother’s recipe. Seriously, what’s so bad about adding chicken? It makes it taste better!”

“Bah! Italians! They’re way too passionate and angry about stuff,” Max said. “I’m telling you; every little thing sets them off. They’re just too high-strung! If I had a bullet hole for every time they shot me to death over some minor disagreement, it would be around twenty or thirty because they were all standing in front of me and squeezing their triggers multiple times. I loved Rocky though.”

“Pfft, everyone loves Rocky,” Everly scoffed. “I liked Clubber Lange.”

“What?! Why? He was so mean!” said Max, aghast.

“That’s why I liked him! He did not pity the fools,” Everly grinned. “Of course, he lost at the end, because it was the Regan era, and you can’t have truly effective bad guys coming out on top because it might make people think that life isn’t as simple as trying hard and doing your best and you’ll always find success. Nope, Clubber had to go down.”

“Yeah, I hate simplistic narratives too,” agreed Max. “The supposed binary of good and evil is so childish at its core! Don’t even get me started on nonsense like Star Wars.”

“What’s wrong with Star Wars?” Everly asked softly after going perfectly still.

“Uh, what isn’t wrong with Star Wars?” Max tittered. “It’s for morons! All the bad guys are stylish fascists with posh accents and all the good guys are scruffy looking losers who take orders from chicks. Even the melee weapons are morality coded! Blue sabers are heroic and red sabers are villainous!”

“Red sabers look awesome!” Everly grumbled. “And what’s wrong with taking orders from chicks?”

Max continued on, unaware that she’d said anything.

“And the latest protagonist in the franchise was such a Mary Sue! She was mind-controlling storm troopers and having lightsaber duels within like five minutes of discovering that she had the force! I’m telling you, that’s just bad writing!”

“Max is based,” said someone reading the story.

“Rey had a mental link with Kylo Ren! His memories were what allowed her to use the force so effectively,” Everly said after taking a deep, calming breath. “That’s why she was such a fast learner.”

“Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit,” replied Max. “Where did they say any of that in the movie?”

“They didn’t, you have to read the supplementary material—”

“BULLSHIT!” shouted Max again. “Listen, if you have to read supplementary material in order to better understand a movie’s plot, then that movie has FAILED at doing its job!”

“No, that just means you’re not doing your due diligence as a fan!" shouted Everly as she clenched her fists.

“My due diligence?” scoffed Max angrily. “I went to see it in theaters, didn’t I?! Movie tickets are expensive, Everly! At the very least I’m owed a complete story for my fifteen-dollar investment! Being told I need to plunk down another twenty-five bucks for a fucking hardcover novelization, to make sense of the shit I just sat through, is a COMPLETE FUCKING RIP OFF!”

“Novelizations are optional and only serve to enhance the experience!” shrieked Everly.

“THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAID! THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAID!” bellowed Max. “You said I HAD to read the novel to better understand the movie! Which IS it, Everly?! An option or a requirement? PICK A FUCKING LANE!”

“You’re starting to piss me off more than those review bombs The Last Jedi received,” seethed Everly.

“Maybe The Last Jedi got review bombed because it was an utter turd,” seethed Max as well.

“WRONG. WRONG. WROOOONG,” said Everly. “It was a fantastic fucking examination of failure and redemption! It was about how it’s okay to not live up to the expectations of others, and it extolled the IMPORTANCE of learning to forgive yourself even when you feel that you haven’t lived up to your potential! Luke Skywalker had the best sendoff of any pop culture icon in the history of film! IT’S A BEAUTIFUL FUCKING MOVIE!”

“They turned Luke Skywalker into a crybaby dumbass who was so stupid he missed his opportunity to end the war early and save countless lives!” countered Max savagely.

“What are you talking about?” demanded Everly.

“Think about it!” Max said. “When Luke projected his image to planet Crait, he made physical contact with Leia! He held her hand! He handed her that golden dice-thingy! She felt him! Don’t you get it? That meant he could interact with people and objects!”

“And your point is?” asked Everly.

“My point, is that Luke could have walked up to Kylo Ren, ignored any of his attacks, and just cut his fucking head off, right then and there! That would have crippled the entire first order! But he didn’t, did he? No! Because the writers were too busy trying to be clever and poignant and in doing so, they left in the biggest fucking plot hole in a movie, EVER!”

“No, I mean…that isn’t…that’s t-that’s…” stammered Everly. “That’s impossible. That’s impossible!”

“Search your feelings, Everly. You know what I say is the truth,” Max said darkly.

“Rian Johnson is so talented,” she wept. “Guys like him show up once in a generation.”

“He is.”

“Brick and Knives out were incredible. They were…just incredible,” she sobbed. “They were so key to my development.”

“The Glass Onion was pretty good too,” Max said sincerely.

“I haven’t seen it yet,” she said somberly after wiping her eyes.

“Dave Bautista was the killer,” he said. “Totally caught me by surprise.”

“I really am going to fucking kill you,” she yelled furiously.

“An attitude like that will get you in trouble one day,” taunted Max. “Let me guess, it’s already causing problems with Candice?”

“What? Who the hell is Candice?” Everly frowned.

“She just wanted to know,” Max continued.

“She just wanted to know what?” Everly asked.

“Candice bitch please stop tripping—WORTH IT!” he screamed triumphantly as she dropkicked him into a nearby wall.

“You were warned, moron,” Everly said as the crimson light of her powerful harada began to envelope her. “You want to do things the hard way? That’s fine by me.”

“Shows what you know, babe! I’m forged from steel! I’m always hard!” Max yelled in reply as he came spinning wildly at her, aiming to deliver a deadly blow to her neck. “That was a double entendre by the way!”

Everly stepped quickly to the side before Max could connect with his attack and with a lightning-fast blur of speed, she caught him by his handle and began smashing him against the stone floor of the temple. “I know it was!” she shouted. “Stop explaining your jokes! STOP! EXPLAINING! YOUR JOKES!” she repeated, bashing him each time she spoke for emphasis.

“STOP CRITICIZING ME! YOU NEVER LET ME BE MYSELF!” the axe replied before shaking loose from her grasp and delivering a shallow cut to her thigh before Everly could avoid it.

The axe froze in disbelief as her blood ran down his blade. “What? Hold on, what?” he said just as Everly’s fist hammered it back down.

“First blood to you, Maxie,” Everly said grudgingly. “But the last one’s going to be mine.”

Just as she raised her foot to stomp him into oblivion, Max scuttled away. A white flag then appeared in front of him and began waving vigorously, signaling his surrender.

“Easy! Easy, blondie, I give up! I surrender! I yield!” he said. “You win, I’ll do whatever you like. Just let me go with you! Let me be of service!”

“What’s the catch?” Everly asked him suspiciously.

“Nothing! No catch at all,” the axe said quickly. “Your blood told me everything I needed to know. I’m telling you; we were made for each other. Everly, let me be the steel in your hand! The things you can do with me at your side, you’ll be every bit the goddess you proclaim yourself to be. I’m the missing piece! I’ll complete you!”

“I prefer swords,” she said bluntly. “Besides, I already have a guy on staff who uses an axe. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m copying his style.”

“Everly, who cares about the help?” the axe said. “Just take me in your hand and let me show you what I am. Give me one chance.”

The axe slithered closer to her as it spoke, begging her to reconsider. Everly looked at it suspiciously, wondering what its game really was. “I said I’m not interested, Max. Just open the gateway and scram!”

“Fine,” the axe said bitterly. “I must have been mistaken, anyway. I didn’t have you pegged for a chicken.”

“Excuse me?” Everly asked with narrowing eyes.

“You heard me, coward,” Max said harshly. He floated before the obsidian material and with a quick slash of his blade, it was divided in two and crumbled to the stone floor. “There’s your exit, scaredy cat. You can leave now—HEY!”

Before he could react, Everly snatched Max out of the air and held him menacingly before her. “I’m not a coward, you little bastard. Do what you need to do.”

In response, Max giggled. Just as Everly was about to ask him what he thought was so funny, she felt a sharp pain as something in the axe’s handle stabbed deeply into her palm like a splinter.

Suddenly, images began flooding into Everly’s mind.

Images of a strange little boy standing alone in a playground, watching the other children having fun. He was alone but he wasn’t lonely. He was having fun too. Behind him, there was a sandbox. From beneath a large mound in its center, thrust the weak, trembling hand of a selfish older boy who wouldn’t let him have a turn. When one of the other kids saw it and began screaming to her mother, the boy laughed because it was so funny…

Now a young man with a gun in his hand was running down the street alongside a friend of his, while they were being chased by a dozen more people who were armed as well. As they cut into an alleyway to make their escape, his friend shouted for help. He’d been shot in the leg and couldn’t manage on his own. Realizing that his wounded friend knew too much, the man grinned and pointed his weapon at his friend’s disbelieving face. The look in his eyes before squeezing the trigger was so funny…

Now he was being utterly trounced by his younger brother. Jeez, who had taught little Matty how to fight so well? It got to the point, where in a haze of killing rage, the man pulled out a knife and thrust it straight at Matt’s throat, wanting to see that self-righteousness bled right off his punk face. Instead, Matt ducked and delivered the grandfather of all uppercuts that left the man lying stunned on the grass. “You ever come back here, and I swear I’ll kill you,” Matt promised him. “This ain’t your home anymore.”

Something about the severity of his expression and the eerie way the light of the moon gleamed off his brother’s ring, told him that Matt wasn’t joking.

“Heh, good for you, little brother”, he’d mumbled. Finally sticking up for himself after all these years. God, that was so funny…

And now he was dying on an empty road, having finally gone too far. The last thing he saw was his former boss squeezing the trigger. That wasn’t funny at all…

…But waking up into his new life as a living weapon and killing and killing and killing and killing, that WAS HILARIOUS! He’d betrayed gods and destroyed an entire nation. The death toll due to his actions was unthinkably high. And he was just getting started! He had all of eternity to play!

That was the funniest thing of all…

“The laughing axe,” Everly murmured a moment later after snapping out of her trance.

“That’s what they call me,” Max said happily. “And now I’m all yours.”

“I’m not just some mindless butcher,” she warned him sternly. “If you’re with me, then you’re mine. You’ll obey or you’ll suffer, got it?”

“Hey, you’re the boss, boss,” he assured her. “Just as long as you stay fun, I’ll do whatever you say. I promise.”

“Why are you so eager to get on my good side?” she asked him.

“I can feel it in your blood, kid. You’ve got the blessing of the earth just like me. No, even better, you’ve somehow tamed it! Ohhhh, man, just think of the damage we could do with our combined might! We’ll be an absolute calamity!”

“You really seem to want this,” Everly said reluctantly, although she was beginning to warm up to the idea.

“Duh! It’s because we’re bad guys, and bad guys love forging alliances!” Max said. “Before we inevitably betray each other, anyway.”

“Well, that is true,” said Everly thoughtfully. “But man, I don’t know. Having you around seems like it’ll be a lot of work.”

“No, no, this’ll be good,” Max assured her. “You’ll get what you want, and I’ll get what I want. The benefits will be both mutual and momentous.”

“All right,” Everly decided after giving it a moment’s thought. “What exactly do you want?” she asked him.

“It’s simple,” Max said. “Just make me your prime instrument. Kill your enemies with me and kill them badly! Do as I ask, and I promise I’ll be your buddy for life. How about it, Everly? It’s a good deal. I always treat my friends well!”

“With the exception of the ones you stabbed in the back?” Everly wondered. “Which if I’m not mistaken, was all of them?"

“Ugh,” Max groaned. “They were losers. Small potato wastes of skin and fluid. They weren’t like you and me, Everly. They weren’t main character material.”

“And that’s all you want?” Everly asked last. “Nothing else?”

“Nothing else at all. I just want to bask in the endless slaughters to come.”

“Sounds fucked up,” Everly said mildly. “Okay, I’m in. Uh, how are we going to shake on this?”

With a sound like protein being squeezed through a small metal tube, tendrils of meat burst into existence around the axe and began to wrap around him and grow. Within moments, a body was forged from the mass that enveloped him. Then skin and clothing grew from the outer layer, until finally, a handsome man of average height stood before Everly, with a too-wide grin, and feverishly happy eyes.

“Like civilized people, naturally!” he said cheerfully as he extended a hand.

“Nice. You’re like a diseased chia pet,” Everly said with delight as she clasped his hand.

“That’s me, kid. I’m all about that mass-market appeal,” Max replied. “Now, how about we go kill something? Or better yet, someone?”

Suddenly the entryway to the chamber exploded as a mass of writhing shadows spilled into it, armed with tendrils of gnashing teeth and claws, adorned with horrific, pain-maddened eyes. A foul stench choked the air as the creature drew near the pair, howling with vicious fury and unrestrained madness.

“EVERLY! NOW YOU WILL PAAAAAAAY!” the beast roared.

“Who the heck is that?” asked a confused Max.

“Who cares?” replied Everly as she gestured imperiously towards her partner.

Obediently, Max transformed back into his weapon form and floated into her waiting hand.

“All I see is a target,” Everly said with wolfish anticipation. Then, in a blazing flash of blinding crimson light, she leapt towards the monster and dealt it a blow that made it howl in an agonized frenzy.

Whatever the beast was, it barely withstood their first strike.

Their second attack completely destroyed it.

In the aftermath of her effortless triumph, Everly stood before the fallen abomination, eyes blazing with her newly acquired power, ready to face whatever came next.

“Bring it on,” she taunted the abyss. “Bring it the fuck on.”

“Yeah, I like this. This is good,” hummed Max happily.