“What’s the date? Does anyone know the date?” asked Max after they successfully reached a conveniently located log cabin and slammed the doors shut behind them.

“It’s Friday, May twenty-fourth on the Earth calendar,” Eris answered after helping to shove a sofa against the entrance. “Why do you ask?”

“Oh. No reason,” Max said with obvious disappointment.

“So, this is what you meant when you said the scenario would change,” Everly said.

“Of course, it’s what she meant,” said Max. “Like, word-for-word, this is how she described what would happen.

“Oh, shut up,” Everly said. “I just didn’t think it would happen this quickly, that’s all. But now that I do, we can take appropriate counter measures.”

“Have you thought of a plan, mistress?” asked Eris.

“It’s still coming together,” replied Everly. “Just have a little faith and watch the magic happen.”

“Haaa!” laughed Max. “You’re so full of crap right now.”

“I am not!” yelled Everly.

“You are too! You’re totally winging it,” Max giggled.

“Your powers of observation are as lacking as your charisma and intelligence if you believe Everly hasn’t got a plan,” said Eris in defense of her leader. “The empress has a greater tactical acumen than any of history’s greatest warlords!”

“What does that have to do with avoiding a chainsaw?” asked Max.

“It’s not about avoiding the chainsaw, worm! It’s about using the chainsaw to our advantage!” Eris yelled. “Everly sees ten steps ahead of everything! Even now, that psychopathic miscreant outside is stumbling into the palm of her hand. Just wait and see!”

“Hooooly shit, kid. This chick didn’t just sip the Kool-Aid, she’s injecting it with a dirty needle,” laughed Max. “That’s some impressive loyalty.”

“Was that a compliment, Everly? It didn’t feel complimentary,” said Eris suspiciously.

“It wasn’t and it’s not,” Everly said with narrowed eyes.

“Can I punish him? He seems the sort that deserves all manner of terrible afflictions.”

“Don’t bother, he’d only enjoy it,” Everly replied sourly as she went to check a nearby window. “I don’t see anyone out there. He wasn’t moving that slowly, was he?”

“His gait appeared normal to me,” said Eris. “Almost languid.”

“That’s because chainsaw wielding freaks are never in a hurry,” Max said. “They walk everywhere they go at a casual pace. It’s a power flex. As if to say, run as fast as you like, you’re not going anywhere.”

“He’s right,” Everly said. “You’d know that if you watched fewer movies that focused on psychological horror and demonic possession, Eris.”

“But those are my favorite kinds,” Eris sulked. “Slasher films are so formulaic. If you’ve seen one large-breasted harlot butchered in a camp shower with her lover, then you’ve seen them all.”

“Hey! There’s more variety in the genre than you’re giving it credit for,” said Everly. “If the characters and stories weren’t so memorable then they wouldn’t have become classics to begin with.”

“If you ask me, The Exorcist was overrated,” said Max. “Kids don’t need to be possessed by fallen angels to make someone’s life miserable. If anything, having the devil around is overkill. You ever try making a brat go to sleep when they aren’t tired?”

“Okay, stop! We’re going off topic again,” Everly said. “We need to decide how we’re going to awaken Titania without triggering another scenario change.”

“It’ll be difficult,” said Eris. “First, we’ll need to avoid the chainsaw guardian before we can locate her.”

“Why don’t we just kill it?” asked Max.

“Because defeating the guardian might trigger another change, obviously.”

“Nah. Slasher killers are functionally immortal,” said Max. “If we kill him, he’ll just get up a few minutes later. Either that or it’ll trigger a sequel.”

“Oh, god, a sequel,” said Everly gravely. “That wouldn’t be good. An endless cycle of trotting familiar ground for diminishing returns. So many dead horses would be beaten. We can’t allow that to happen.”

“So, we’ll either need to kill this monster in a manner that ensures he stays dead, or we need to find Titania and convince her to wake up without triggering the trap,” said Eris.

“Can you imagine the possibilities, though?” Max asked in a daze.

“What possibilities?” asked Everly. “This had better not be stupid by the way.”

“It’s not stupid!” said Max defensively. “It’s just that the concept of slasher movies being a kind of eternal cycle of death and renewal has got me thinking about what it would be like if this were the afterlife or something to that effect.”

“And why would we be in a slasher movie afterlife?” asked Everly.

“Who can say precisely why?” shrugged Max. “Maybe in the metaphysical way of it all, killers like Jason Vorhees were the good guys all along and all of us horny camp counselors and dope smoking rebellious youths who keep getting slaughtered, are secretly baby eating witches? Maybe the audience is deliberately being kept unaware of the facts until the final M. Night Shamalan-ish twist at the end of the final movie.”

“And what precisely fuels this theory of yours?” Everly asked reluctantly.

“Jason has the same initials as Jesus Christ,” Max replied. “Haven’t you ever noticed that?”

“Jason?” asked Everly.

“Yes,” Max nodded.

“Vorhees?” chimed in Eris.

“Indeed,” Max nodded.

Everly could feel a vein beginning to throb on the side of her head. “Do I really need to point out that the letters J.C. are not the same as J.V.?” she asked.

“Have I ever mentioned that I’m a lapsed catholic?” Max asked.

“You’re a catholic? Really? You?” asked Everly doubtfully.

“Yup,” asserted Max.

“Okay. If that’s true, then explain the difference between a crucifix and a cross,” said Everly.

“Ha! That’s so easy,” Max said confidently. “Any baby could do that.”

“If that’s true then do it,” demanded Everly.

“Everly, you sound like you want to hit me.”

“I do, Max. I really, really do,” Everly said with murderous honesty. “If you get the answer wrong, I’m gonna flatten you. It’ll be a trip to the wrong side of pound town. It’ll be a domestic violence call where the cops arrive too late to help. You get me?”

“Gasp! A murder-suicide?” asked Max with trepidation.

“I wouldn’t kill myself after murdering you, Max,” Everly said. “I’d do the very opposite. I’d go out of my way to live for as long as I possibly could so that I could relive the moment of your passing over and over again in my memories. I’d paint a mural of the event. I’d volunteer to visit kindergarten classes so I could personally pass the story down to the children.”

“Wow,” said Max. “You really—”

“I’d hire professional actors to do live reenactments as well as film and television versions, then I’d bribe the judges to ensure that they each won a major industry award.”

“No Grammy?” asked Max.

“No, grammies are shit,” Everly said dismissively. “Oh! I’ll have the date of the murder declared a major holiday and have anyone who labors on it sent to a reeducation center for crimes against the state. Is that everything I’d do? Yes. Yes, I think that’s everything I’d do.”

“Jason Vorhees, that was very thorough of you,” Max said somewhat respectfully.

“Yes, I can be very exacting when the situation calls for it,” replied Everly. “Now, tell me the difference between a crucifix and a cross.”

“A cross is diagonal,” snickered Max.

Everly proceeded to hit him for several minutes until she felt calmer. Then she held him in place and let Eris have a turn.

Once they were finished, she said, “All right, we need to rescue Titania and find a way out of here.”

“You have no fucking sense of humor,” mumbled Max as he waited for his teeth to regrow.

“Just so we’re clear, I did that because across is not another word for diagonal,” Everly informed him. “And you would have realized that if you weren’t always trying to be clever.”

“You still have no fucking sense of humor,” repeated Max.

“How dare you complain!” Eris said angrily. “You have experienced the profound joy of receiving personal correction from the hands of our mistress! Your heart should be filled with gratitude for the experience.”

“Oh, wow,” Max said after he finished processing that sentence. “So, you’re one of those kinds of freaky-deaky chicks, huh? Well, that’s cool. Whatever floats your boat. The world doesn’t move to the beat of just one stroke.”

“Excuse me?” Eris replied.

“It takes more than one stroke. It takes a bunch of strokes. And they’ll form a band. And the name of the band will be The Storks.”

“I insist you stop talking to me,” said Eris.

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

“They have straws on their heads so they can have all kinds of adventures under the sea. Kids will love them,” continued Max.

“Snorks,” said Everly suddenly.

“Huh?” asked Max.

“You’re talking about the Snorks. That’s an old cartoon about tiny people with straws on their heads. Storks are large white birds that hospitals use to transport newly hatched progeny from the birthing chambers to the hive colonies.”

“Wow. What would happen if you took one out?” asked Max.

“You’d be arrested in Oklahoma for not carrying to term.”

“Ha! Shots fired at Oklahoma!” chortled Max.

“It can’t be helped. They’re the Oklahoma of the western United States,” said Everly.

“But they literally are Oklahoma,” said a confused Eris. “They can’t help it.”

“Unforgivable,” Everly said darkly.

Before Max or Eris could request a little elaboration, the masked psychopath’s chainsaw began to slice through the cabin door.

“Oh, no! As it turns out, these aging wooden doors are no match for that fiend’s chainsaw! Whoever could have seen this coming?” wailed Max.

“I recommend we use this idiot as shielding, Everly,” suggested Eris.

“I’ll consider it,” Everly replied.

“That wouldn’t be very nice!” said Max.

“That would depend on your viewpoint, wouldn’t it?” replied Eris.

__

The time would soon come for Beverly to give her speech.

She didn’t want to do it. She really didn’t want to do it. As it turned out, she hated crowds. She hated speeches. And she hated combining the two things as well.

How had things come to this? Why hadn’t she just told Grail to kick rocks?

Beverly hadn’t been alive as long as other people. And she didn’t have as many memories of her own as she wanted. She had loads of Everly’s, naturally, and if she wanted, she could borrow others from her sisters Dullahan and Nev, thanks to the bizarre wavelength they shared between the three of them. But she was more interested in doing things to better establish her own identity as an individual. And one quirk particular to her was a preference for staying out of the spotlight.

That was mainly due to the time she’d spend masquerading as an adventurer named Lance of the Silver Lance. That had been a relatively fun experience for Beverly, but it had also taught her how exasperating it was to be an important person that people wanted to cling to.

When you were a top tier hero, everyone wanted a piece of you. Maidens wanted to bed you (which actually wasn’t that bad), merchants wanted to sell your merchandise, or to sign contracts of exclusivity, jealous warriors wanted to pit themselves against you in duels of honor, and it seemed like everyone wanted you to save them from bandits or monsters or corrupt lords. Every day was action packed and busy and…well it was all a little too much, wasn’t it?

It really was.

Beverly wasn’t Everly. She wasn’t Neverly. And she definitely wasn’t whatever the hell Dullahan currently thought she was. Beverly was lazy. She avoided the things that she didn’t like. Confrontations, work, daylight if it was too bright out, nighttime if it was too dark. She was a creature of moods. And the mood with her was always, eh. Putting her in place of poor Everly was a disservice to them both.

“Grail, I’ve changed my mind, I really don’t want to do this,” she insisted one last time after cornering him in his office.

Naturally, he ignored her.

“We’ve already been over this, Bev,” he said with a sigh. “The empire needs you. Everly needs you. I need you. Put on a brave face and go do as you’re told.”

“Fine, I’ll go out and sit in the big chair,” she said. “But why do I need to speak? Let me just sit there and be aloof and silent. People like it when their authority figures seem distant and unknowable.”

“They actually don’t, Bev. They prefer their leaders to be approachable and humanized. It makes them feel as though they share a bond,” Grail said, correcting her.

“Grail, I don’t want to pretend to share a bond with that sea of faceless trash,” Beverly said unhappily.

“Well, you’re going to and that’s the end of the discussion. Now’s not the time for selfishness, girl. It’s about time you started carrying your own weight. Everly’s not here to coddle you anymore,” Grail said sternly.

“Uh, Bitch, what?” Beverly said in surprise.

“You heard me,” Grail replied, now glaring at her. “Beverly, you’re a useless slug who contributes nothing to the cause. You haven’t so much as exited the memory palace in months. You wield more of Everly’s power and authority than the rest of the inner circle combined, but you do nothing with it! There must come a time in everyone’s life where they must choose whether they’ll step up and become an adult or wither away wasting their potential in perpetual infancy. And I’m sorry to tell you this, but for you, that moment has arrived.”

Beverly blinked several times at his words. Then clucked her tongue and nodded to herself. “Hmm,” she said as though she’d been given a lot to think about. A lot of food for thought. A new perspective to consider.

Then she grabbed Grail by his collar to pull him towards her and headbutted him as hard as she could. While blood spurted from his nose and he slumped to his knees in a daze, Beverly spun and slammed him against a wall as hard as she could.

The thud he made upon impact was very soothing, so she didn’t follow it up by tearing his head from his shoulders. But it was a near thing. Instead, as he lay gasping on his stomach, she flipped him over with a kick and took a cross-legged seat on his torso so she could look down on him.

“The fake human got a little cocky because he got to push little Claudia around some and now, he thinks he has the right to tell me what to do? Wowsers. That’s almost too funny to be true,” she said to him perkily.

“I was doing…nothing of the sort,” Grail said sluggishly. “Just…trying to make you understand.”

Beverly tipped her head to the side in puzzlement.

“But that’s the issue, isn’t it, bucko? You don’t get to make me do anything. I’m Beverly of Everly. I’m her with a lime twist! Sure, I’m not as strong as she is, but I’m still more powerful than you will ever be. Your body will never be able to adapt enough to take the punishment I can deal you, so stop being an asshole and stop telling me what to do!”

“I’m sorry for offending you,” Grail said between bloodied lips. “It wasn’t my intention.”

“Yeah? Well intentions and outcomes can differ wildly when one isn’t careful with their words,” Bev said to him as she leaned over to flick his nose.

“You really do sound just like her, right now,” Grail said.

“Huh?” Beverly asked in surprise.

“Making an example of me like this. Acting with such cruelty for such a profoundly selfish reason. This is very much an Everly play,” he said.

“Really?” Bev said. She had to admit she found the comparison oddly flattering.

“I wouldn’t lie about such a thing,” Grail said. “In this moment, painful as the experience has been, I feel strangely comforted to know that her spirit endures through you, Beverly. Again, I apologize for speaking out of place.”

“Oh, well, I mean you were just trying to…I don’t know, do something good for the empire or whatever,” Bev said as she stood up and helped him get to his feet. “No harm, no foul.”

“All the same, I would feel so much better if you were there to deliver the speech at the assembly,” Grail said reluctantly. “Beverly, if this moment has taught me anything, it’s that Everly lives on through you. How can we possibly deny the people the opportunity to experience her greatness? I beg of you; you must be her messenger!”

“I mean…I dunno, I just…” waffled Beverly.

Grail grabbed her hand and knelt before her reverently. “My lady, the flock needs your guidance.”

“Ahhhhh, okay,” Bev finally said with closed eyes.

“Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful, thank you so much,” Grail said happily as he gave her a quick hug and guided her towards the exit. “With that settled, I’ll get back to work on your speech.”

“Maybe I could help write it?” Beverly suggested as he pushed her into the hallway.

“Oh, no, that won’t be necessary, see you on the big day, thanks again,” Grail said quickly as he closed and barred his office door.

Bev stood in front of it for some time as she collected her thoughts.

Then she quietly said, “Fuck,” with all the bitterness in the world of one who has been thoroughly outplayed.

__

“Hey, I don’t want to sound like I’m worried or anything, but Chainsaw Charlie is nearly through the door,” Max said loudly. “I mean, I don’t really care if either of you die, but I feel like life still has so much left to offer me.”

“Shut up, Max, I’m still thinking,” replied Everly.

“Uh, unless those thoughts include the sentence, holy shit I’m about to get carved up by a chainsaw, then I fail to see how they’re relevant to my situation,” said Max.

“Mistress, does he really talk to you like this all the time?” said Eris in shock.

“Only on days that end with Y,” glowered Everly.

“Now why would you say a thing like that?” asked Max.

Everly refused to take the bait. There were more important things happening right now. She didn’t know quite what, but it was at the tip of her tongue. A solution was at hand. An obvious solution. But she had to think.

“Max, transform and distract him for a bit, will you? I’m trying to organize my thoughts,” she commanded him.

“Distract him? How am I supposed to do that?” he asked.

“You’re an axe and he has a chainsaw. This is a grudge match that’s been waiting to happen for decades, isn’t it? Show him what you’re made of!” said Everly.

“I’m sorry, what? Max is a what?” asked a confused Eris.

“Ah. Well, when you put it like that,” Max said enthusiastically before shedding his outer form and transforming into his weapon mode. “To arms! To arms! Although, technically, I have no arms, nyur-hur-hur!”

And with that, Max flew through the air to clash against the slasher’s chainsaw while Eris stared at them. In the meanwhile, Everly sat down on the floor to focus and tried to drown out the noise.

“Everly! Was that idiot an inanimate object all along?” asked Eris.

“Object, yes. Inanimate, no.” Everly replied.

“Where did you find him?” Eris asked.

“It’s a long story, Eris, I really don’t want to go over it right now,” Everly said.

“I’m sorry, Everly, it’s just that—"

“Eris! Stop talking!” Everly shouted in frustration as she waved a hand and dismissed her elemental servant’s physical form. Immediately, Eris vanished from sight as her mind resumed its place in Everly’s psyche.

As soon as she felt Eris return within her, Everly realized what she had to do next.

“AH! This is bad! This is very, very bad!” Max shouted as the slasher used his weight to bear down on the axe and force him towards the floor. “Everly! EVERLY! As it turns out, there was no contest to be had here, chainsaws have the advantage! Who would have known? Anyway, this is about to turn into that annoying scene from Saving Private Ryan where the ungrateful German guy slowly stabs the New Yorker to death while that spindly little creep that no one likes is hiding behind the door bawling his heart out because he’s a weak little baby who’s too terrified to act, so if you’d like to avoid losing your super unique and impossible to replace divine armament, PLEASE GIVE ME A FUCKING HAND!”

Everly laughed at his desperation before holding out a hand and summoning him to her before the slasher could cut him in half. “Ha! Look at that. Max the axe isn’t quite as fearless as he pretends, is he?” she grinned.

Before he could respond, she suddenly threw the axe across the room where its blade lodged into the slasher’s head. The killer stopped in his tracks and stared blankly ahead before numbly dropping his weapon and collapsing in a heap to the ground.

“Got ‘em,” Everly purred.

She then stood before her fallen opponent and pulled Max free. Then she lopped the creature’s head off at the neck.

“Okay, not that I didn’t enjoy doing that, but what happened to capturing this guy alive so we could go look for your other elemental?” Max asked.

“There’s no need,” Everly said triumphantly as she tapped the side of her head. “I’d forgotten that Eris and Titania share a spiritual bond that connects them to each other mentally. That’s how Eris was trapped here, even though Titania was the one who was dreaming.”

“Okaaaay?” said Max as he waited for further elaboration.

“Basically, it means where one of them goes, the other must eventually follow unless I say otherwise. My mistake was thinking that I needed to locate Titania even though I already had Eris when the solution was as simple as reclaiming Eris to force Titania to follow. By taking one, I automatically get both. Now Titania’s back with me where she belongs, and I’m gently waking her up while shielding her from this environment with my mind even as I’m delivering this exposition to you.”

“Ah. Psychic shit,” Max said.

“Yep. Psychic shit,” agreed Everly.

“So, what’s going to happen next?”

“Now that I’ve finally regained my elementals, I’m going to purge myself of all the excessive power that’s keeping me from waking up. Then hopefully, I’ll either regain consciousness in my bed, probably with you by my side, or I’ll explode in a dazzling wave of heat and light that will kill everyone and everything around me. Not that I’d care, because I’d be dead, and existence has no meaning if I’m not there to enjoy it.”

“Meh, sounds fair to me,” said Max.

“All right, no more talking,” Everly said as she sat in a lotus pose and closed her eyes to focus. “This is going to take a lot of concentration, okay?”

“Oh, relax, will you?” said Max. “I once learned the secrets of inner harmony from an enlightened axe guru. I can feel the motions of the universe from the center of my navel and all that. I can easily stay silent for ages.”

“If that’s true, then I’d really appreciate it if you’d start now,” Everly said.

Max said nothing in reply.

It somehow felt very sarcastic.

Around them, the dusty cabin began to fade away from sight as Everly drew on the power within herself and began to unmoor from the abyss. Within moments of beginning, she found herself floating upwards towards the sky, drifting further and further away from the realm that she’d wandered for what felt like an eternity.

Soon, a sense of warmth began to surround her. A familiar sense of comfort and safety that she’d almost forgotten about during her journey. Below her, the abyss, which had once seemed to stretch into eternity, became smaller than the head of a pin as she floated upwards to her destination.

Home.

Everly was finally home.

With a start, she opened her eyes and sat up in bed.

Choo-choo-choo-choo-ee-ee-ee-ee-ah-ah-ah-ah!

That was when Everly noticed that she was covered in blood. Startled, she turned her head and saw Seraphine desperately reaching for her while gasping for air. Her other hand covered her wounded throat with blood streaming between her fingers.

Behind her stood the slasher, holding his chainsaw above his head. He knocked Seraphine aside before bringing it down on Everly’s head, slowly sawing it in half as she screamed in pain, her blood gushing everywhere as she was sundered.

With a start, she opened her eyes and sat up in bed.

"Everly?" said Seraphine in surprise before she threw her hands around her and began shouting in joy. "Everly! Everly, you're awake!"

Fucking slasher movies, Everly thought with annoyance, as Seraphine continued to happily babble away.

In hindsight, she really should have seen that coming. There was always a jump-scare at the end.