“For crap’s sake, Ace, you’re a total skunk-butt, do you know that?” Everly said in disgust as she finished off the last of the scorpion demons that had been attempting to devour them.
The setting of the abyss this time was an endless, blistering desert surrounded by dunes, sparsely placed palm trees, and a large pyramid in the distant horizon that seemed likely to be their way out of there.
Unfortunately, there were also scorpions.
So many damned scorpions!
The beast hissed at her and attempted to sink its stinger into her, which Everly gracefully sidestepped before ripping it free of the monster’s tail and stabbing the barbed tip directly into the creature’s head, sending it screeching into death curtesy of its own venom.
“Well, that’s that,” she said with satisfaction as she watched her opponent writhing in the sand for a few minutes before rolling onto its back.
“I’m sorry, I’m a what?” Sloth asked her, interrupting her enjoyment.
“You heard what I said,” she replied. “You are a skunk-butt. You know because you really stink at being helpful in a fight?”
“Everly, the word skunk alone is enough to indicate a malodorous state. Adding the word butt is completely redundant.”
“Oh yeah? Well, you’re redundant,” she snapped.
“And you’re an idiot!” he retorted with great annoyance.
Everly resisted the urge to kill him. Not because she needed him alive, but because she was trying to stick to her resolution to avoid killing unnecessarily. She wanted to commit to being lawfully evil, but this useless wad of a demon king was making it so tempting to indulge in a little bad faith murder.
“Well, at least I can throw down with these chumps,” she said scathingly. “Honestly, what kind of a cardinal sin are you, anyway? In all the popular media featuring characters like you, from Full Metal Alchemist to the Seven Deadly Sins, which are incidentally the only two shows I can think of that feature characters with your names, all seven of you are supposed to be fucking deadly! But you’re not, Ace! You’re terrible! You’re total garbage!”
“I’m not a brute, okay?” he said defensively. “My entire theme is based on waiting for things to come to me. Why do you think spiders are my mascot animals? Because I spin webs, Everly. I spin webs.”
“Not all spiders sit around on their asses all day waiting for flies to take a wrong turn,” Everly said mockingly. “You ever heard of wolf spiders? Parson spiders? Crab spiders? Not every arachnid in nature fits into your lazy ideas of what they should be, Ace! Some spiders are badass go-getters who don’t wait for permission to grab themselves a meal or two!”
“Yeah, well, I’m not one of them,” said Sloth. “What are you going to do about it?”
“Honestly, I really want to kick your ass!” Everly seethed. “You don’t help with the fighting, you suck at navigation, and you don’t even put out. Honestly, if this was a horror movie, the audience would be howling for Mr. Hatchet to get you alone for five minutes in the tool shed with a chainsaw!”
“I’m not promiscuous Everly, and I wish you’d stop harassing me over it!” Sloth said sternly. “My body, my right!”
“Arrrrgh!” screamed Everly as she punched the air in frustration.
“Also, if the movie is about a killer named Mr. Hatchet, then why would he have a chainsaw?” asked Sloth. “That makes no sense.”
“Because Mr. Hatchet is like a spider, Ace! There’s more to him than your lazy misconceptions!”
“Why do you keep calling me Ace?” he asked resentfully.
“Because it’s short for Acedia, dumbass, and it’s a totally awesome nickname!”
“Oh. That actually is pretty cool now that I think of it,” he admitted after giving the matter some thought.
“Glad you like it. Wanna make out?” Everly asked him hopefully.
“No!” he yelled in response.
“Goddamn it,” she swore as she resumed stomping towards the distant pyramid. “What’s your fucking deal with fucking, man? We’ve been down here for ages and the conversations have gotten stale. I mean, look at me! How are you honestly passing up on this?”
She gestured towards herself for emphasis. Early on in their journey, she’d learned that she could change her appearance at will through sheer concentration. For the current arid environment, she decided to cosplay the outfit Laura Croft wore in the Tomb Raider series.
It looked good on her. It looked really good. Not that Sloth seemed to care.
“Just how did I get stuck traveling with the only demon I’ve ever encountered with no libido?” she asked herself.
“It’s an aesthetic decision, Everly,” he replied. “Relationships with mortals only complicate things unnecessarily. I’ve chosen to only do the things that bring me pleasure.”
“How does not having sex bring you pleasure?” she asked him in surprise.
“Well, it’s been hilarious so far watching you freak out over it,” he said smugly.
“Prick.”
“And you’re not touching mine,” he replied primly. “Besides, your behavior makes no sense. That isn’t your real body, Everly. It’s a spiritual construct housing your mind. You shouldn’t have any bodily urges while you’re in that form unless you literally think about sex twenty-four seven.”
“Is that right? Well, that does makes sense,” Everly admitted with a nod.
“…Seriously?” asked Sloth. “That often?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” Everly replied. “I’m young, I’m healthy and I’m all powerful. Not to mention I’m hot as fuuuuck, for all the good that’s done me with you. Getting lucky with strangers is one of the perks of being an elite, bro.”
“But aren’t you in a committed relationship?” he asked her.
“With whom?” she asked with some confusion.
“With Seraphina? The last queen of Winstead?” he asked with some exasperation.
“Oh, right, her,” Everly said noncommittedly. “Yeah, we’re tight. She’s tight. Word up. But you know how it is; my dad had two wives and a concubine, and half of the married women in his entire county on speed dial. That’s just how it is with people like us.”
“You actually cheated on royalty?” he asked her. “Seriously?”
“It’s not cheating!” Everly said in a scandalized voice. “Seraphine knows that we’re in an open relationship.”
“Because you told her exactly that, using those specific words in no uncertain terms?” he asked her skeptically.
“Of course!” Everly said without hesitation. “But, uh, not through the use of language. She could totally feel my vibes, though! Which is to say the inner reverberations of my soul. You see Ace, some things just don’t need to be communicated with words.”
“Unbelievable,” Sloth muttered.
“Hey, dating a queen isn’t all that, pal. Seraphine licks her fingers when she enjoys whatever she’s eating. I always have to put up with that during our meals together and it’s just revolting,” Everly said with a shudder.
“A lot of people lick their fingers while they eat,” Sloth replied. “I’m guilty of that myself.”
“Not the way she does it, I bet,” Everly shot back. “She tries to look cute while she does it, but it’s not cute, it’s not sexy, it’s GROSS. I can’t make her stop either, it’s so frustrating! Sometimes she even tries to feed me food from her plate with those contaminated digits of hers and it’s all I can do to keep from blowing her up.”
“That doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all, Everly,” Sloth said with some empathy.
“Well, now you know why I like to step out on her,” said Everly.
Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
“You really are an incredible mess,” frowned Sloth.
“I have needs!” she insisted. “I get it, you’re older than print media so you’ve forgotten what it’s like to have urges! Well, I’m not as dead inside as you are, okay? And I’m gonna have some fun, whether you approve or not. Besides, if you were in my shoes, I doubt you could resist Mikey either, especially when he throws out one of those thirsty little soulful gazes of his.”
“YOU SLEPT WITH MIKEY?” asked Sloth in wide-eyed astonishment. “THAT GUY??”
“Well, we started to, but y’know, he’s on minotaur testosterone so he had some trouble standing at mast if you get my euphemism for erectile disfunction. He cried a lot and apologized, but honestly, it’s been a little awkward between us since then.”
“I’m sorry, but the fact that you’d ever give a psychotic thug like him a shot to begin with… that’s what I’m finding so incredibly hard to accept,” Sloth said in a daze.
“He makes me think of orcs. I like orcs,” said Everly with a shrug.
“An orc would try to split you in half on sight,” Sloth said despairingly.
“Yeah. That’s the fantasy,” replied Everly with a dreamy smile. “But maybe I’m just deluding myself. No matter how many hookups I have or how often I have them, none of them are who I really want to be with, are they?”
“Did you have someone specific in mind?” Sloth asked her. “It had better not be me.”
“You’re missing out, Handsome,” Everly said wistfully.
Sloth snorted disdainfully. “Somehow, I really doubt that.”
“It’s Fenn, stupid,” Everly said irritably. “I miss her. I want her back. Under my thumb, just like that old Rolling Stones song.”
“You wish to pursue a relationship with the chosen of light?” he asked her incredulously. “How in Hell’s flame could that possibly work out? She was made to end beings like you!”
“That’s like work-related. What does that have anything to do with being in a relationship?” Everly scoffed.
“EVERYTHING!” yelled Sloth. “Destroying those like us is her purpose for existing!”
“I don’t mind if she takes a shot at me,” Everly smiled indulgently. “It’s cute whenever she tries to beat me at anything. The way I see it, I just need to take a firmer hand with her this time. I have to keep her in place until she finally realizes that I’m everything she’ll ever need. Then I can finally let her be happy. With me.”
“I don’t understand you at all, Everly,” said Sloth. “What is it about that girl that fixates you so? From how your story described things, you barely even knew her. What compels this obsession?”
“I’M NOT OBSESSED!” Everly screamed balefully with a reddening face and clenched fists. She then took a moment to breathe deeply and regain her composure before continuing. “You need to understand, from the moment we met, I felt like I understood her. And that she understood me. Things just popped into place, okay?”
“Everly, she killed you,” Sloth said in bewilderment.
“Yes,” Everly said happily with an excited clap of her hands. “Yes, exactly that, Ace. She killed me! I was her first victim. There I was in that stupid school, as unstoppable as I ever was, and then there she appeared! Impaling me with my own sword to save the day. Have you ever seen the sight of a sobbing; beautiful girl covered in your own blood? It’s haunting.”
“Jesus Christ,” said Sloth in utter dismay.
“Then later on, I killed her. We each own each other’s life. What’s more incredible than that?” Everly sighed. “Who cares if she’s my destined enemy? That makes it even better! We can kill each other once and for all and then die contently in each other’s arms!”
“That’s crazy!” he said. “Absolutely fucking crazy.”
“True love is ANNIHILATION, Ace!” Everly countered. “We’ll drag one another into oblivion’s embrace and leave a destroyed planet in our wake as a tribute to our devotion! What could be more wonderful than that?”
“How could she possibly grow to love you?” Sloth demanded, trying to make her see reason. “You killed her entire family!”
“Hey,” Everly said in a scandalized voice. “I didn’t kill ALL of her family, okay? Just some of them. The rioting crowds that erupted during the collapse of the kingdom were the ones who took care of the rest.”
“Everly, do you take responsibility for anything that you do?” Sloth asked despite himself.
“I want to take responsibility for Fenn,” Everly said. “I think she’s worth it. You know, I used to watch her while she slept, and it felt so peaceful. I used to enter her mind and quietly watch her dreams. I know her better than you think. I know everything about her.”
“I sincerely regret asking,” Sloth said.
“Heh, I guess you do,” Everly chuckled. Then they continued walking in silence for a quiet few minutes before she suddenly said, “Oh, quick question by the way.”
“Hmm?” asked Sloth. “What would you like to know?”
“How did you know who Mikey was?” Everly asked him coldly.
“Uh…w-what?” stammered Sloth once he realized the enormity of his mistake.
“I asked you how you knew who Mikey was,” Everly repeated calmly as she began stalking towards him.
“Uh, lucky guess?” he said as he quickly began backing away from her only to stumble and land painfully on his rear as Everly loomed over him with a malevolent glint in her eye.
Before he could move, Everly lunged forward and dropped her knee directly into the center of his abdomen, expelling the air from his lungs and pinning him beneath her. She then leaned forward and pressed her forearm against his throat, to prevent him from regaining his breath.
“How many spies have the seven placed in my organization?” she asked him casually as she watched his face begin to redden and swell.
“I…can’t…breathe,” he gasped.
“You’d better answer the question, then.” Everly suggested helpfully.
“Everly…please…” he begged her.
“Ticktock, ticktock, ticktock,” she replied.
“Just one…just one!” he admitted as his vision began to blur.
“And their name?” Everly demanded.
Sloth told her.
Everly leaned back in shock, stunned by the revelation. “Wow. I would never have seen that coming. Really?”
“Really,” Sloth rasped after a vicious coughing fit that ended with bloody saliva being retched into the sand. “Looks like your people aren’t as faithful and loyal as you’ve deluded yourself into believing.”
“Looks like it,” Everly said thoughtfully. “Shit. This is more my fault than it is theirs. Without Eris around to perform her routine intrusions into the sanctity of their minds, they got used to keeping their thoughts hidden from me. It seems to have made some of them a little more independent than I’d prefer.”
“How very terrible for you,” Sloth said insincerely as he lay miserably on the ground.
“No, no, it’s fine. I’ll have Eris back soon enough,” Everly replied. Then she smiled cruelly. “Actually, I think I can have a little fun with this. The spy doesn’t know that I now know. Which means I now have a means by which to spread misinformation to my enemies without their realizing it.”
“Except, I now know that you know which means I’ll have that pipeline closed off as soon as I return home,” Sloth reminded her.
“Oh, right, I suppose that’s true,” Everly said. “But wait, what if I just killed you right now, kept your mana cores so that you couldn’t be resurrected and had a replacement made in your image later on to infiltrate the seven kings and, I don’t know, detonate a bomb or something to kill them all in one fell swoop?”
“If you were just going to bomb my siblings then why would you need to keep a spy around?” he asked. “It would be completely pointless.”
“Shut up, Ace, I’m just floating some ideas around, Jesus!” she snapped angrily.
“You’d never get away with it,” he told her bluntly. “My siblings would sense a false Sloth the moment he appeared. Besides, I told you that we’re all interconnected. They know everything that I know and are thus forewarned of your little scheme.”
“But aren’t we in the lower abyss right now?” she asked him innocently. “Doesn’t that mean that your great and terrible powers have no effect? And that your dear siblings are now completely blind to your presence?”
Now the confidence left Sloth’s face as his skin paled.
“Hold on, Everly,” he said desperately. “Before you get any sudden ideas—”
“And couldn’t I just insert your mana cores inside the duplicate to make him radiate your aura?” she continued. “It wouldn’t be a perfect disguise, but I think it’d last long enough for my purposes. Wouldn’t you agree, Ace?”
When he saw the murderous look in her eyes and realized that she wasn’t joking, Sloth scrambled to his feet in an animal panic and tried to escape. He managed to get perhaps three feet away from her when he felt something tear through his back and erupt from his torso.
Looking down, he saw her hand had emerged from his chest and was now holding his heart.
“This isn’t quite the steamy connection I fantasized about us making, Ace,” whispered Everly into his ear. “But this is fun, too. Give my regards to all the good musicians when you get where you’re going.”
“You really are too much; do you know that?” Sloth asked her wearily, before falling limply into death.
“Yep. It’s too bad you missed out,” Everly said as she tossed away his heart to wither and desiccate in the sands. “We really could have enjoyed ourselves. But hey, at least you have me a decent lawfully evil reason to kill you, so there's that."
Out of a sudden curiosity, she licked a drop of his blood off her finger before frowning and spitting it out in disappointment. “Overrated,” she sighed as she wiped off the remainder on her top.
Once she finished removing the mana cores from his body, Everly resumed her journey to the distant pyramid, leaving her companion to stare blankly at the sky as the winds gradually covered him in sand.
__
The monstrous elemental watched Everly as she continued along her path without so much as a backwards glance at her victim. Her cold brutality was a sight to behold. He would have been deeply impressed by her alienation from her own humanity if his own master weren’t so much worse than she.
After placing some distance between them, he contacted his lord to keep him informed of current events.
“Seriously?” the Ashen Knight asked with mild surprise. “Sloth usually survives his trip into the abyss with her. Heh, I’m glad I didn’t put any money down on that.”
“Would you like me to kill her, Great one?” asked the dark elemental in his ominous whisper of a voice. “She approaches the blackened temple. Without Sloth to guide her to the correct hall, there’s a chance she may inadvertently make contact with…the creature.”
“Ohhh, I hadn’t considered that,” the Ashen Knight said as he clucked his tongue and considered his options. “It could be amusing watching them try to use each other…oh, but it could be a real pebble in our Jays if she actually synchronized with him, wouldn’t it?”
“We’d still win. We always win,” the elemental said confidently.
The Ashen Knight stared blankly at his servant with a raised, quizzical brow. “We? I’m sorry, did you just say we always win?”
“I meant you, Master. You always win. The glory of victory is yours alone,” the elemental said hastily. “You owe others nothing for your achievements.”
“Well, all right then,” the Ashen Knight nodded with a pleased expression. “Just as long as you always remember that.”
“Always, Great one. Always,” the elemental shivered.
“Heh, gosh, it does feel good to watch you grovel,” the Ashen Knight grinned. “I’ll tell you what, go ahead and kill her. I won’t really need her around when I make my pitch to Fenn. May as well nip her now while she’s defenseless.”
“I’ll see to it at once, master,” the elemental said fervently. “I’ll make her suffer.”
“No need for all of that, friend. We’re the good guys here,” the Ashen Knight said in gentle admonishment. “Maybe poke a few extra holes in her to make her regret her wicked ways. But only to correct her misdeeds, not out of enjoyment of the violence.”
“Of course, of course,” said the elemental. “I didn’t mean to—"
“But y’know, if she puts up too much of a fight or mouths off, then you take as much time as you need to make sure she realizes her place,” the Ashen Knight continued. “Justice will not abide a woman's sass.”
With his many, many mouths and their endless rows of sharklike teeth, the greater elemental, Hades, smiled in anticipation of the delectable meal to come. “It shall be done exactly as you wish, master.”
“That’s great to hear,” the Ashen Knight said cheerfully. “Happy hunting, big guy.”