It was a little past noon when Stephanie called. “Can you come over? Bring your swimsuit! It’s really hot today.”
“I’ll come over if you can pick me up,” I said, since she had a car and I didn’t.
“It’s a deal. See you in twenty,” Steph said, sounding way more alive than I’d expected her to be after the night she’d had.
I was surprised to see Steph’s house looking the same as it always did, no sign of the party anywhere. She confessed she’d spent a couple of hours cleaning it up super well just so her mom wouldn’t have any objection to any future parties that Stephanie might want to have, and I agreed that was a good plan.
“You brought your bikini, right?” Steph asked, pointing to the kidney-shaped pool in the back yard. “The water is nice and warm.”
“Got it right here,” I answered, holding up the gold bikini that Emmy had bought for me.
“Cool. Do you want a Coke?” she asked, heading for the kitchen as I made my way to the bathroom to change.
“Sure! Thanks.” Stephanie’s power of recovery was impressive to see. It was as if she’d gotten a good night’s rest after an early bedtime, whereas I still felt the aftereffects more than I’d like to admit.
Stepping into the back yard I dipped my toe and sure enough, the pool was like bath water it was so warm. I walked straight in and swam over to the side when Stephanie set the Coke can down on the concrete for me.
She took a big drink of her Coke, then ditched her T shirt and shorts, revealing her surprisingly deep tan.
“When have you had time to get so dark?” I asked, curious since we’d been indoors every afternoon for the last month or so.
“Well, the last couple of days have been good for just lounging, but I tan year ‘round, so it didn’t take much,” Stephanie said, sitting down on the edge of the pool.
Not wanting to be caught staring, I took a sip of my soda and almost coughed it back out my nose. “Did you put rum in that?” I asked, when I got my coughing under control.
“Yeah, just a bit,” Stephanie admitted with a sheepish grin. “I figured we aren’t done celebrating the end of high school just yet.” Her impish smile made me laugh, and I took another sip, but kept it down this time.
“Cheers. To the end of one thing, and the beginning of another,” she said, raising her can. I raised mine, and we bumped them together with a ‘thunk’ sound, then took our sips.
The afternoon was nice and hot, not always the case for mid June around here. The water was warm, and the feeling was lazy. We talked about nothing important, just lay in the sun and enjoyed doing nothing much at all.
When the sun started to dip in the afternoon the air cooled off quickly, so we went inside.
“Mom’s got a council meeting tonight, so we’re on our own for dinner,” Steph said, then “You are staying for dinner, right?”
“Yeah, that’d be great. I have no plans, and my summer job doesn’t start until next week, so I’m as free as a bird.”
“You’re so lucky to have that job at your uncle’s nursery,” Stephanie said. “I’ve just got a part-time job at the Target in Temecula,” groaned Steph. “Trade you?”
“Not a chance. Besides, I doubt you could put up with my uncle.”
Changing the subject, Stephanie suggested we order pizza. Her eyes opened wide as she had an idea. “Hey- check this out. I’m going to answer the door in my bikini. I’m going to give the pizza guy a show,” she said, adjusting her bikini for maximum skin exposure. “Watch his pants- see if he gets wood!”
“Eww!” I said.
“No, it’ll be great,” Stephanie said. “Here- you need to be in on this, too.” With that, she reached to adjust my bikini top, exposing my tan lines. Her fingers on my boob gave me a kind of rush as I slapped her hands away.
“No way. You do what you want, and I’ll watch, but that’s it.”
“Spoilsport!” Steph pouted, as she pushed the back of her french cut bikini bottom together to make it more thong-like, sticking her butt out and swaying in an exaggeratedly sexy way. I was surprised to see Steph had no tan lines on the newly-exposed part of her butt that she was showing off.
“Hey,” I asked. “Do you sunbathe in the nude?” The image of Stephanie lying by the pool without a stitch on sprang to my mind, and I could feel myself blushing.
“Why, yes, Miss Farmer,” Stephanie said in a sultry voice. “Yes, I do. See?” and with this, she pulled her bikini bottom down, showing me her entirely bare tanline-free rear. She seemed in no hurry to pull it back up, either, making me blush even more. Finally, she pulled her bikini back into place and turned around, seeing my beet-red face.
“Well, it’s only fair. I saw your naked butt, after all.” She was enjoying my discomfort. “And I’m sure yours is nicer than mine, anyway. Your boobs sure are.”
I saw it coming, but I couldn’t look away as Stephanie pulled her bikini top aside, giving me a long look at her chest. She pulled her top back over her incredible breasts and said “There. Now we’re even.”
I flopped back onto the couch. “You didn’t have to do that,” I said, wishing I still had some of that rum and coke.
“Fair’s fair. And I’m all about fairness.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard that about you,” I said. “I think I read it somewhere.”
Just then the doorbell rang, and Stephanie quickly minimized her bikini before answering. The look on the middle-aged pizza delivery lady’s face was one of surprise, but she was not nearly as surprised as Stephanie was. Steph regained her composure, and in fact tipped the lady well and thanked her for the quick delivery. When she closed the door, we both broke out laughing at how badly the prank had gone wrong.
When she got her breath back, Stephanie set the pizza on the table, and asked “You want another rum and coke?” When I said sure, she looked back over her shoulder to make certain I was watching, then walked, hips swaying, to the kitchen.
I wolf-whistled and she stopped, putting one hand on her hip. She turned around, pointed at me and said “Don’t start without me,” in a voice that made me think she was quoting something.
This made us both laugh, and I realized I hadn’t felt this good, this comfortable and happy in the months since Emmy left. That thought brought on a pang of guilt. After all, I shouldn’t be happy, should I?
After pizza we settled down on the couch to watch some old ‘80s teen comedy that Stephanie had seen a million times. It was about a group of kids stuck in detention together on a Saturday, but I had a hard time paying attention because of the smooth, tanned legs lying across my lap. At one point I glanced over at Stephanie, only to see her eyes were closed and she had a blissful expression on her face. I realized with a shock that I had been absent-mindedly stroking one of her shins with one hand, while the other was giving her a foot rub.
I couldn’t make myself want to stop what I was doing. After all, Steph was enjoying it, and so was I, right? Didn’t we both need that contact? I did my best to push any guilt that I was being unfaithful to Emmy to the back of my mind, and I almost succeeded.
Steph’s mom called after a while to tell her that the city council meeting was going to run late and she wouldn’t be home until midnight or possibly later. Steph told her I was still there and asked if it was O.K. if I stayed the night, giving me a questioning look to see if it was O.K. with me, too. I nodded, and Mrs. Houk seemed to have no problem with it so it was settled. I called my mom to tell her I was staying over, and although her voice sounded concerned she didn’t raise any objections.
At about ten thirty we climbed into Stephanie’s big queen-sized bed. I gave her a hard time about her pink satin pajamas, but I had to admit my T-shirt and undies combo was not the height of fashion either.
Laying there, both of us uncomfortable and stiff as boards on our respective sides of the bed, I wondered how to deal with the proverbial elephant in the room.
Finally, after a few awkward minutes of silence, Steph whispered “Do you remember when I told you that I’d never slept in the same bed with anyone before?”
“Yeah,” I replied, also whispering.
“What I didn’t tell you was that, like, I really, really liked it. And I was hoping we could-” Stephanie, sensing my discomfort, broke off. “I’m sorry. Forget I said anything.”
“No,” I said, sliding over to the middle of the bed. “No, Steph. It’s O.K. I liked it, too.” I reached out and pulled her in to me. I was on my back, and she was tucked under my arm, her head on my shoulder.
“Thanks,” she whispered, snuggling up as close as possible.
We lay like that for a while, and I was just starting to drift off when my name brought me back.
“Leah, can I, like, tell you some things?” Steph asked, her voice small and uncertain.
“Uh, sure. What is it?” I asked, still a bit drowsy. I wasn’t too sure I wanted to hear whatever it was Stephanie had to say, but if she felt it important, I would listen.
“Well, it’s just… No, never mind. I’m sorry for waking you.”
“No, it’s O.K.,” I said, stroking her long, silky hair. “Really, what is it?”
Nervously, Steph said “I don’t want you to hate me.”
“What? No! I could never hate you,” I protested, wondering just what was bothering her so much.
“O.K.,” she said, working up her courage. She was nervously playing with the hem of my T shirt where her hand rested on my tummy, and although it tickled a bit, I tried to ignore it and focus on what was tormenting the girl who’d become my best friend.
“You know, last year?” she began, “When we cheered at your home games last year when we were juniors. You know, that was my idea? To cheer at volleyball games? I thought we should support other sports than just football and basketball, you know,” Stephanie explained. “It was unofficial, but, like, I got the girls to attend your home games and show some spirit.”
“I always used to watch you,” Stephanie said, continuing her story after a little pause. “I mean, I didn’t really know you, but you stood out on the team. Well, you were the tallest girl in school, so of course you stood out that way, but it was really, like, the way you played that made me watch you. You were so intense, so… I don’t know. So focused and determined. I was actually really intimidated by you.”
I snorted at that, so Stephanie said “No, it’s true. I mean, we all were, all of us on the squad. And your boyfriend? He was so damned good looking it just wasn’t fair. He’d give you a hug and a kiss after your games, and I wondered what kind of guy it would it take to be with somebody as powerful as you.”
“What? Me? Powerful?” I protested.
“Yes, you. I mean, we all knew that not only were you an absolute killer on the volleyball court, but you were pretty much a straight A student, too. Most of the jocks I knew were just coasting through their classes, but you… you were like some kind of heat-seeking missile or something.”
“O.K., you can stop now. You’re making my head swell up.” I was stunned to hear this from Stephanie. I’d never really thought about how others perceived me, beyond just my friends and teammates. To hear one of the most popular and well-liked girls in school tell me she was intimidated by me was quite a shock.
“No, it’s true. I actually didn’t like to think about it, because it made me feel like some kind of loser or something when I compared myself to you.”
“No, Steph, that can’t be true. I mean, look at you. Everybody at FHS thought you’re the hottest thing in town. You were the star of the whole school!”
Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.
“Yeah, I guess,” she said, unconvinced. “But, like, anyway, when Emmy came to school she was all anybody could talk about. She was so different- she could never get lost in a crowd, and she never even tried. She was funny, and sweet, and nice to everybody. She was nice to me, even though I was kinda, like, snotty to her at first. I felt jealous that she was taking all the attention away from me, without even trying. But then she invited me to her pool party, which came as a surprise…” Steph trailed off, thinking about the past November and that crazy Santa Ana that had pushed the temperatures up past one hundred degrees.
“Honestly, I was surprised, too, when Emmy told me she wanted to invite you. I told her I didn’t think you’d come. I guess we all had our own misconceptions about each other back then,” I agreed.
“Yeah,” Steph replied, pausing thoughtfully. “She asked me to come to her party, and I accepted, mainly to see her house that Mindy had talked so much about. But what happened was I got to know her, I mean really know her, and I realized that Emmy was just that nice. I stopped resenting her, and, like, changed my whole way of thinking about her. But also, I got to see you in a social setting for the first time.”
“That can’t be right. I mean, we’ve both been going to the same parties for a couple of years now,” I objected, wondering how long I was going to be able to stand Stephanie’s hand tickling my tummy. Her hand had slipped under my shirt and her fingers were idly tracing my belly button. I didn’t want her to stop, but it was very distracting.
“Well, yeah, sure. But, like, you always hung out with your friends, and I hung out with mine, and we never really got to talk at all.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s true,” I admitted.
“Well, anyway, I started to get to know you that day, and a lot of my mental picture of you was shattered. I mean, you weren’t, like, scary or intense at all. I found out you were funny, and nice. And I hate to tell you this, but I thought you looked like some kind of model in that gold bikini of yours. I mean, you were like the perfect California girl- blonde, blue eyes, amazing golden tan, and legs that went on forever. But it didn’t seem like you realized how hot you were, or that all the guys were staring at you.”
“No! They weren’t!” I was glad it was dark and Steph couldn’t see me blush for about the millionth time that day.
“Oh, yes they were. Believe me, they were. But you acted like nothing was any different. I mean, like, the rest of us girls were doing everything we could to get the guys’ attention and you were just being yourself, not caring at all. And they were still scoping you out.”
“O.K., now you’re just making things up.”
“No, I’m totally serious. But I guess my point was that you weren’t like I thought at all, and I realized I liked you, and admired you. And Emmy, too.”
“Thanks,” was all I could say. I hadn’t been expecting any of this, and to say that it was making my head spin was an understatement.
“But then, after Christmas break, when everybody found out you’re gay-”
“Hey,” I interrupted. “I’m still not totally convinced I am gay. I mean, I loved Emmy, but…”
“Well, then everybody found out you and Emmy were a couple, then. At first I was like, ‘no way,’ but then your friends abandoned you, and I thought that was shitty, so Mindy and I, we started sitting with you and Tom and Emmy just to show how fucked up Allie and Courtney and Candace and everybody else was being. Anyway, the more I got to see you and Emmy together, the more jealous I got.” Thinking for a moment, she corrected herself. “No, jealous isn’t right. I guess I mean envious,” Steph corrected, showing the results of all that vocab work we’d done. “I wanted what you two had,” she continued. “You were always touching each other, looking at each other. It was obvious when you weren’t together you were thinking about each other, too.”
“You told me that you and Jonny weren’t close,” I said, recalling the drive to Emmy’s house that terrible day.
“No, we weren’t. I had no idea how it could be, until seeing you two,” Steph said, again lapsing into thoughtful silence. Her hand was now slowly rubbing circles on my tummy right above my belly button, a relief from the earlier tickling. I knew she wasn’t doing it consciously, and it felt nice, so I said nothing.
“Then when Emmy’s parents took her away, I felt terrible for you. I could see how heartbroken you were, and it was like a piece of me had been ripped out, too. I mean, I’d wanted what you guys had, but I never wanted you to lose it like that.” I could hear it in her voice, and soon felt the wet spot on my shoulder from her tears, recalling how things had happened those two months ago. I felt my own tears at the memory of that time, too, but I was trying to be there for Stephanie and not make it about me, so I tried to keep it under control.
“I didn’t want to leave you alone, you were so sad. I knew you needed a friend, so I stayed that night, and you held me like I really meant something to you.”
“You did,” I whispered, my voice husky with the threatening waterworks. “It meant a lot, Steph. Seriously, thanks.”
“But I guess you’re, like, missing my point,” Stephanie said. “It meant a lot to me, too. I never really liked when Jonny would put his arm on my shoulders, or pat my ass, or anything like that. I’m just not real comfortable with stuff like that. Well, I wasn’t,” she said, with a little laugh. “But you holding me like that, it was different. And it seemed to cheer you up when I would rub your shoulder, or give you a hug, and it was so important to me that you be happy, that I got so I liked it, too.”
I stifled the urge to make some comment about how it sounded like I was some sort of pity therapy for her personal space issues, because I knew she didn’t mean it that way.
“With you, it just feels natural, and I really like it when I touch you. Or like now, you holding me like this.”
“I saw your face when I was giving you a foot rub earlier,” I confessed.
“Oh, god, that was heaven. I didn’t want you to ever stop. But,” she said, her tone changing, “I can’t even imagine Jonny’s hands on me like that. No way.”
After a few moments, Stephanie said “And then when I told you I was nervous about getting into State, you totally threw yourself into tutoring me. You gave up pretty much all your free time just to help me, and it really worked. For the first time, somebody made me feel smart. You did, Leah. You made me feel like I could be an A student, for the first time in my life.”
“What?” I asked, surprised to hear her low self-esteem.
“Yeah, it’s pretty much true. My parents were always, like, fine with Cs or Bs on my report cards, and pretty much told me flat out that my success in life wasn’t going to be a result of my brains.”
“God! That’s terrible!” I groaned.
“I don’t think they ever thought I was an idiot or anything, it’s just that they thought I was, you know, average in the brains category, that’s all. Mom was totally blown away with that last report card. She couldn’t believe it, and actually, like, emailed a couple of my teachers to see if there was some kind of mistake.”
“You’re kidding me.”
“No, I swear to god. She really did. And When Mr. Pacheco told her that he had been super impressed by how hard I’d worked to earn the A, she showed me the email and told me how proud she was of me.”
“I was really proud of you, too,” I murmured.
“Neither of you were as proud as me, though. I was, like, flying on a cloud.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “I could tell. You were so, I don’t know. Lit up, I guess.”
Stephanie didn’t respond, and I started to think she might have fallen asleep, but then she said “You know something? That report card gave me a lot of confidence. It told me that if I really want something, and I’m willing to work hard for it, I can get what I want.”
We were silent for a while, and I was lost in my thoughts about what Stephanie had just said, when I realized her hand had stopped moving on my belly, and her breathing was slow and regular.
I woke with a start when Mrs. Houk knocked, then walked in to Steph’s room. Thankfully we’d moved apart during the night, so it looked completely innocent when she sat down on the edge of the bed to tell Steph that she was heading to work.
“You girls were up late last night?” She asked. “I thought I heard you talking.”
“Yeah, we were. I’m so nervous about college,” Stephanie lied with an ease I’d never be able to match. “Leah’s going to Stanford, did I tell you that?” she said, sitting up.
“Oh, really? That’s great, Leah. Stanford’s an excellent school. What are you going to study?”
I wasn’t really prepared to have this conversation so early, so all I could manage was “I’m not really sure yet.”
“Well, they have one of the best business schools in the nation. It’s a good start to an excellent career, and just remember- money makes money, and working with money is where the opportunities are.” Standing up, Mrs. Houk said “I’ll see you this afternoon, dear. Good seeing you, Leah,” and left.
“Why does she go to work so early?” I whined, looking at the clock.
“She has to be ready before the bell rings at the stock exchange in New York, and that’s six A.M. our time,” Stephanie said, flopping back down in bed.
“Yuck,” I said, ready to go back to sleep.
We got up late, the day already hot and dry. We ate a breakfast of cereal and toast without getting dressed, still in our sleepwear. I wasn’t too keen on the soy milk with my cereal, but that’s all they had, so I didn’t complain much.
“God, it’s hot. Do you wanna swim again?” Stephanie asked, a hopeful look in her eyes.
“Sure. I have no place to be. I can just enjoy my few days of vacation.”
“I’ll grab us some Cokes,” Steph said as I went to get changed. I wasn’t used to so much soda, but it seemed as if Steph was addicted to the stuff.
When I walked out to the back patio I was stunned to see Stephanie laying out on her towel by the pool, completely nude. She had a little pink spray bottle that she was using to spray water on her back and the back of her legs, which were already roasting in the sun. I lay down on the lounge chair, trying not to stare.
Stephanie caught my eye, and said “Hey, I told you I don’t like tan lines.”
“No, you did warn me, all right,” I agreed as I leaned back, closing my eyes.
The image of Stephanie’s sun-warmed skin just wouldn’t leave me and I found myself peeking at her through half-closed lids. She was so gorgeous, her silky brown hair flowing over her freckled face like that, the beads of water from her spray bottle joining up and running down her tanned skin.
After half an hour or so, Stephanie got up and shook my shoulder. “Want some ice water?” she asked.
“Sure. That’d be great,” I agreed, surprised that I’d dozed off.
I couldn’t help but stare at her back, legs and butt as she disappeared into the house, only to come out a few minutes later with two tall glasses of water. She sat down cross-legged on her towel, and it suddenly hit me. This gorgeous girl is in love with me. She’s doing everything she can to let me know, and I’ve been trying to avoid even seeing what was so obvious. She was crazy about me.
Hard on the heels of that revelation came another thought. The guilt that I’d been feeling wasn’t doing me or anybody else any good. Emmy wasn’t coming back, and it was time to face it and move on. And if Stephanie wanted to be the one that I moved on with, I’d be an idiot to deny both of us what we were feeling for each other, because suddenly, two more things became crystal clear. I was falling in love with Stephanie, and seeing her there, so beautiful and confident in her bare skin like that, I was definitely turned on. There was no denying to myself any more- I was positively, completely, one hundred per cent, attracted to girls. ‘Bi-curious’ wasn’t an accurate description. Looking at Stephanie, her incredible nude body shining in the sun turned me on more than any guy I’ve ever seen. I mean, Chris was an extremely good-looking guy and he had the body of a shaving cream model, but seeing him in the buff had never affected me the way that Stephanie’s tanned skin was doing to me.
Puzzled by what must have been going on on my face, Stephanie smiled that kind, easy smile of hers and asked “What? What is it?”
“You know all that stuff you told me last night?” I asked, unsure how to say it. My whole body felt flushed and hot, and it wasn’t from the June sun.
Nodding, Stephanie leaned forward and swept her hair back, trying to get a better look at me.
Jeeze, I thought. She’s so damned smoking hot, so sexy. Her beautiful naked body shone like it was polished, and her eyes like milk chocolate were wide with curiosity.
Deciding that there was nothing to do but jump in with both feet, I sat up and blurted it out. “Stephanie, you were trying to tell me last night that you’re, I don’t know, that you like me, right?” She nodded, leaning back a little bit, suddenly unsure. “Well,” I continued, wanting to get it all out, “I just realized that I’ve been an idiot, and haven’t been seeing what’s right in front of me.”
“What do you mean?” Stephanie asked, her voice hopeful but unsure.
“I mean, I’ve got a gorgeous girl right here in front of me. Why should I keep moping for somebody who’s gone and probably never coming back?”
Stephanie stood up, and came over to my lounge chair, still not too sure, but very, very optimistic. Sitting on the edge of the chair, she asked “You think I’m gorgeous?”
I looked her straight in her wide, expressive eyes, and told her the truth. “I’m not alone in that. Everyone thinks you’re gorgeous. What I think is that you’ve been here for me, and that means a lot to me. I also think that just looking at you, so freaking sexy, it’s making me dizzy.”
“Are you serious?”
She took my hand and held it up, still not convinced. I pulled her hand up and kissed her knuckles, enjoying the smell of the cocoa butter on her skin. I held her hand against my lips for what seemed like a long time, enjoying her wide-eyed expression.
“Oh,” was all she could say, so I sat up straighter and wrapped my free arm around Stephanie’s waist, pulling her to me. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go, but I knew that what I wanted at that moment was to kiss her long and tender, so that’s what I did.
Her lips were so very soft and warm, as she almost literally melted in my arms.
“God, Leah,” she sighed when the kiss ended. “Oh, god.”
“Are you O.K.?” I asked, hoping I hadn’t overstepped my bounds.
“I’m better than O.K. Like, way better,” Stephanie breathed. “Can we go inside?”
“Sure, but promise me you won’t put on any clothes,” I joked.
Looking down at herself, Stephanie blushed, then smiled at me. “I promise. I’ll be as naked as you want me to be.” She stood up and posed, enjoying my eyes on her. I enjoyed looking at her, too, and realized that I no longer felt awkward about staring at her body. She had given me permission, and in fact, wanted my attention.
She took my hand and pulled me to the couch, where we spent the next couple of hours just kissing and holding each other. Stephanie was so shy in some ways, but so bold in some others. She was so confident in her skin and absolutely loved the way I looked at her, but at the same time was very unsure of what she should do to please me.
Eventually, worried that her mom would come home and catch us, we got dressed and Steph drove me home.
“See you tomorrow?” Steph asked.
I gave her what I hoped was a sexy look and replied “I’m definitely looking forward to seeing all of you again tomorrow.”
She laughed, and said “I promised I’d be as naked as you want me to be.”
I gave her one last kiss as I got out of her little Honda, then went up to the apartment. Nobody was home, so I had some peace and quiet to do what needed to be done next. I cleaned out some space in my closet, and carefully put all of Emmy’s guitars in their cases and stacked them all away. I was sad to put all the things that reminded me of her out of sight (and hopefully out of mind) but it was time. It felt bad to do it, but it was also somehow a relief. I was finally saying goodbye, and it was bittersweet.
At dinner, when Mom asked what Stephanie and I had done the night before, I told her we watched old movies and talked. “She’s really worried about college,” I explained, recycling what Steph had told her own mom.
“You two have really become good friends, haven’t you?” Mom asked, hoping to find out more about what I was doing, and my emotional state.
“Yeah,” I answered, as nonchalantly as I could. “It’s nice to have someone to hang out with and just, you know, talk about things.”
“Yeah, it is,” agreed Mom, who seemed satisfied.
I was happy Tiff was at a friend’s house having a sleepover, because I needed some alone time to think, and she’d been sleeping in my bed most nights since Emmy left. Lying in bed, thinking about what had happened between Stephanie and me, I felt a smile on my face and a warmth flowing through my body. Sure, we hadn’t done much more than kiss, but that was O.K. with me. Just knowing that such a beautiful, sweet girl could be so crazy about me was enough. Hey, we had all summer, right? No need to rush things.
It felt as if the emptiness in my heart that I’d been suffering from since Emmy vanished was starting to fill back in, if only a little. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t miss Emmy any longer, but at least I was still capable of finding some happiness.