We spent all day landing troops in Osgiliath. I was getting antsy because I wanted to accomplish as much as I could before the other armies showed up. Can’t let one of Sauron’s back-pocket armies swoop in and steal all the credit, can we? I was thinking if he wins this war, what’s he got left to fight? The trees?
The people of Gondor didn’t seem to be taking us very seriously when they sent a token cavalry force to attack us. Oh, look Osgiliath is under attack again. Something happening to you, Osgiliath? Was Sauron’s Great Eye not on you for a single second?
It didn’t go so well for the cavalry, and you’ll never believe who I found! Mr. Wyvern-hunter himself! I made him look at the scar he left on poor Daphne and then gave him a wedgie to end all wedgies. It brought me back to my youth in high school... when I was in his position. I think he got the message, so I sent him back to Minas Tirith. By the looks of him, he was barely alive, but that’s just what I call a “wedgie coma.” He'll be fine after a day or two.
We spent the next day mobilizing and commencing our attack on Minas Tirith. I don’t know where the general got these formations from, but it looked like MC Escher was our strategist. He confided in me that he felt bad for scaring the people of Minas Tirith and he wanted to comfort them by returning the severed heads of the enemy troops we’d slain. I would have suggested flowers and a card, but he seemed so excited about the idea. His face lit up (or in his case, oozed) when I told him it was okay. Man, he sure does look like a wad of chewed gum after being stepped on.
Things were going well until I heard the general (I swear, he tells me his name every time and I never remember) wasn’t even trying to move his guys out of the way of the trebuchet boulders the enemy was firing at us. I mean, I expect losses on our side, but I also expect our commanders to use our cannon fodder troops efficiently. I noticed the boulders were parts of their own city, which must be breaking some kind of rule of warfare. Damn cheaters.
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As if this battle wasn’t enough of a headache, the general unveiled his ultimate plan for getting inside the city: A custom-job flaming battering ram in the shape of a wolf. Does anyone think of how expensive things like this are?! Am I the only one who looks at the budget? This is one of the only gates on Middle Earth large enough to justify this obnoxious thing, so there’s not much chance of us being able to reuse it. Maybe if they found a way to make it play the accordion, it would at least be able to accompany the drummer trolls in the ensemble of uselessness.
We broke through and scuffled with the city defenders. The general looked a bit aimless, so I took a moment to remind him of the plan. Again. Move into the city. Kill all in your path. Stick the pointy end of your weapon into the enemy. Do I really have to hold your hand the entire time? I’ve scraped things off the bottom of my boots that were smarter than him and better looking! If he had two faces, I bet he’d still be dumb enough to walk around with that one!
He asked me about a wizard who was apparently heading up the defense of Minas Tirith. Why does nobody tell me anything? I just told the general that I’d deal with it since people who aren’t ridiculously powerful like myself have a hard time dealing with wizards.
The next time I write in here, it’ll be from under the White Tree while Daphne chews on the Steward of Gondor with a side of wizard. Orcs will be running around with buckets of black paint and spikes to redecorate the city. Vendors outside will be selling t-shirts that read, “I came all this way to conquer Minus Tirith and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!” to the other armies. Sauron will show up and give me back my old job. He’ll tell me he loves me like he usually does, but this time it will mean something. I’m getting ahead of myself. I still got take the rest of the city and think of a cool one-liner for when I confront the wizard. Something like, “Dark fire will definitely avail me!” or “A wizard dies precisely when I mean for him to!” Something like that.