I have officially run out of sick days and am now being called into work despite my severe Nazgûl congestion. If I breathe out my nose hard enough, it sounds like a group of teenage girls screaming for the new Twilight book. Do kids still read Twilight? I took some Naz-Quil and threw on my warmest hoodie. I'm hoping the fresh air will do me some good.

The boss got a lead on an old piece of jewelry he lost a while back. Since he's just a giant flaming eyeball and this isn't a problem he can just look-at to death, I gotta go fetch it for him. I rounded up my eight loyal cohorts and we made our way to the dungeons of Barad Dur. We were to interrogate a prisoner, an unusual creature by the name of Gollum, who could give us a better idea of where to look. I don't mean to judge someone by their physical appearance, but he looked like some kind of hairless chimpanzee with a meth problem.

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We got to work employing all standard torture methods. After several brutal rounds of pink belly followed by a double purple nurple we were no closer to the information we sought. The prisoner kept screaming "Precious!" at the top of his lungs. Precious, based on the novel Push by Sapphire? It wasn't THAT great of a movie, dude.

Gollum, the Hairless Meth-Monkey kept going on about Precious until my second-in-command, Kyle took it upon himself to bestow upon him the cruelest, inhumane, unconscionable tortures in our Nazgûl training manual. We discerned two words after thirty seconds of the deepest wettest willy I ever hope to bear witness to, "Shire! Baggins!" It wasn’t the name, address, or detailed description we were hoping for, but it’s a start. We pulled out the Palantir and checked Google Middle Earth and saw that the Shire, home of this Baggins guy, was pretty much on the other side of the country. And I hoped this would be a simple job...