It’s been a while since I’ve written in here so I’m going to try to get everything up to date. As you can see, I got a new set of journals. I acquired them from my old friend Gorbag. He’s a professor of arachnology at the University of Mordor, but he moonlights as what he calls a “rare items dealer.” He gave me his preferred customer discount and now I have this set of five leather-bound journals. It took a while, but I finally copied the pages I had recovered after that fiasco outside of Rivendell so now I can start fresh.
Speaking of the fiasco outside of Rivendell and the loss of our horses, we called Sauron and asked if he could send us our mounts. He wasn’t happy about not being able to repurpose the horses for his glue factory, but we’ve all had setbacks. I didn’t know what to expect for our new mounts, but it would take a while before I guessed wyverns! I named mine Daphne. It's unusual for me to get attached so easily, but I don’t mind admitting I love my sweet girl already! She seems to think she’s a princess so I’m gonna see to it she’s treated like one!
On our way back, we noticed someone had broken into the Mines of Moria through the elvish door. I don’t know what kind of siege weapon they used, but it tore that door apart! I wonder if it’s connected to the reason why the whole place now smells like calamari.
We also paid a visit to Isengard and boy that place has changed. The place has a tunnel system that runs for miles underground and violates every building code I can imagine. Then there’s the deforestation to make room for all the machines to access the underground section. I hope I'm nowhere near hear when Greenpeace shows up! The worst part has yet to come. All of this is right next to a huge dam and if it were to ever break, it would flood the whole area. I can’t even imagine trying to get insurance for this place. One of the new guys, a Jack White-looking guy named Grima Slugmouth or something told me that Saruman may be losing it a bit. He told me he saw him standing up on top of the tower shouting gibberish toward Caradhras about a couple of weeks ago.
Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
Saruman pretty much took over my mission for the ring and he’s doing about as well as we were. His solution was to breed some new type of bro-orc to do his dirty work for him. To his credit, he confirmed that Sauron’s ring was the one that kid took to Rivendell. Now that kid has a team of mercenaries, one being that park ranger, so he’s practically untouchable. The bro-orcs Saruman sent after them haven’t reported back yet. How powerful can one park ranger be?!
Now Saruman is raising a much larger bro-orc army to wipe out Rohan since his “poisoning the king’s mind” dragging on and no one was benefiting from it, except for maybe Grimy Toadstool (I promise, I’ll remember his name later). I liked his “raise an army of ten-thousand bro-orcs to kill everything” plan way better. The birthing process is super gross though. I don’t even want to imagine the conception.
I still have no idea where four of my cohorts went. It would be easier to find them if I ever bothered to learn their names. Kyle, Kevin, Gary, and Jimbo remained with me until we got into an argument over whether it was pronounced why-vern or wih-vern. Kyle and Kevin ended up quitting the team over it, but I stand by my points about the phrase “because-vern.”
Since I’ve had so much downtime, flying around and harassing kids with Daphne and all her adorable little rows of razor-sharp teeth, I’ve begun drafting plans for my new fast-food franchise. It’s called “Burger Witch-king,” and the slogan is, “Let’s put a maggot-hole in your belly!”
Oh, and I think my sinuses are mostly cleared, but it looks like the shriek is here to stay. Anyway, I just got a dispatch from Mordor. I’m finally getting a new assignment! It will probably be something super cool and Daphne seems eager to get out and see the world. Who am I to deny her? She needs to go out and see all the wonders Middle Earth has to offer... and rip them apart with her talons. More on that later, time permitting.