Well, that couldn’t have gone more wrong. We sobered up for the most part along the way and I forgot why we were going to Weathertop, but we’d traveled too far by then just to turn around. Besides, it’s a great spot for camping and the view is magnificent in the daytime. The thing is, there has been more than one report of delinquent behavior there after dark, perhaps a fresh lead on our drug activity.
We reunited with Jimbo along the way who hadn’t quite come down as much as the rest of us. He said that he and the other four Ringwraiths “had” to make snow angels, so they were beelining it to Caradhras. Jimbo fell off his horse because he suddenly thought he could stand up while riding. Since then, he had just been wandering around, tripping balls until we found him. Luckily, we found the horse before too long. I told Jimbo not to mount it again until he accepts that he is not the master equestrian he thinks he is, no matter how many shrooms he takes.
We made it to Weathertop and noticed some teenagers had a small cooking fire toward the top. I heard someone yell, “Put it out, you fools!” They must have assumed we were park rangers out to bust them for weed. Seriously, why does everyone here think we’re cops? They must have been cooking bacon or something. We were exhausted, but the smell alone could have pulled us to the source of the bacon.
To our dismay, the bacon was all covered in ash! I pulled out my sword along with my cohorts. I made sure they all understood that we weren’t going to hurt them. I just wanted to put the fear of Sauron into these little pukes. There’s always room in our torture chamber for people who waste good bacon.
We surrounded them at the top and held out our swords as if we were going to do something. Getting a closer look at them, I noticed they were the same big-footed kids from the forest. One of them, a rather portly fellow, came at us with a knife. I blocked his strike and tossed him into the stone wall. That seemed to gentle him down some. We subdued the rest with little effort, but then the strangest thing happened.
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One of the kids pulled out what looked like a gold wedding band. It reminded me of why we were out here in the first place. I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t at least check to see if it happened to be the One Ring I was looking for. I pulled out my Morgul blade to see if the kid wanted to trade. My cousin gave it to me for the Winter Solstice one year and I never had a use for it. I can’t prove anything, but I’m pretty sure he regifted it to me from a part of a Morgul turkey carving set.
The kid put the ring on, and things got hazy. It must have been a delayed side effect of the shrooms we took. The wind seemed to pick up and my cohorts and I looked like the white side of some gothic chess set. I turned my attention back to the kid. I just wanted to get a closer look at the ring, but he panicked and recoiled as if I were some kind of thief. I’m not proud of myself, but when he panicked, I also panicked and may have stabbed him a little bit. I’ve never been good with kids.
Not a second later, some guy hopped over the wall with a sword in one hand and a torch in the other. The “chess" effect was cut short and we were back in reality. He must have been an actual park ranger which was inconvenient because I didn’t have a ready explanation for why I just stabbed a kid over a ring that wasn’t even mine.
It didn’t seem to matter much because the park ranger started wailing on us. We Nazgûl fancy ourselves accomplished swordsmen, but I must admit this guy was kicking our asses pretty bad. He set Kyle and Jimbo on fire, and they ran around screaming. Apparently those guys never heard of stop, drop, and roll. Everyone else scattered. I thought I could try to explain things to the park ranger now that things quieted down. Without a word, he threw his torch into my face! Who throws a torch into someone’s face?! It was even worse that I caught it with my teeth and was in too much of a frenzy to notice at first.
My cohorts and I regrouped and got the hell out of Dodge. After everything that happened, all I wanted was to get some food in me at whatever place was open at this hour. Gary wanted to go to Orcback Steakhouse, but it wouldn’t be open for another three hours. Jimbo mentioned that the breakfast menu had just opened up at DwarfDonalds. We headed in that direction until we noticed a Denethor’s (we usually just call it Denny’s) along the way and decided to just get some food here. I gotta get going. My Palantir is ringing. I guess Sauron wants an update. Hooray for me.