[This final entry was found near the recently deceased Sylvester Gorbag after a fight broke out among a group of Morgul orcs]

Diary of the Witch-king: Appendium

Sylvester Gorbag, Professor of Arachnology

University of Mordor

I just got back from chaperoning a group of students to the lair of Shelob, our resident giant spider, to explain her feeding habits when I found this set of journals on my desk. I don’t have a whole lot of time because we also found an extremely rare living victim of Shelob's poison stinger and I want to ask him firsthand how it affected him. I’ll also have to see if I can convince him to let me draw some of his blood, Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. This is about what happened at the battle of Gondor.

I had initially sold these journals to my recently deceased acquaintance, Tony Witch-king. The publishing house of Cirith Ungol recovered the journals and read through them. I guess they think they can make some money by publishing this story. Since Tony mentioned me a few times, they asked me to wrap up his story in my own words. I’ll do my best, but I hardly consider myself to be the most appropriate person to speak for him

Before I get into the nitty-gritty of what transpired, I want to talk about my personal relationship with Tony. He claimed me as a friend, and I suppose we were in a manner of speaking. He was my most loyal customer and he always paid upfront. It’s hard to drum up business on this side of Middle Earth. I saved all my best stuff for him, so I guess a friendship of sorts existed between us. I didn’t care for his regard for and treatment of orcs. To be fair, Ma raised me to not trust Ringwraiths so I couldn’t help but harbor a little prejudice. Good guy, though!

I managed to catch the second half of the battle of Minus Tirith live on my Palantir, so I saw the whole thing as it happened. Tony was in the middle of trying out one-liners on that wizard and flashing the flame-sword I sold him when an army from Rohan rode in on horseback. They bulldozed his forces and then one of Sauron’s oliphant reinforcements showed up. Tony wanted to prove a point to them by feeding the King of Rohan to his wyvern, Daphne so he broke off from his attack on the wizard and moved to take out Rohan’s king. Lord Sauron always said he had trouble staying on task.

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Somebody took exception to Tony's wyvern devouring the King of Rohan in front of everyone and challenged him. Those who have read this whole thing and inherited Tony’s affection for Daphne may want to brace themselves. The warrior who challenged Tony decapitated the wyvern. I would feel inclined to feel sad about this if I hadn’t met Daphne in person when Tony came to visit. The adorable personality Tony projected onto her wasn’t even in the neighborhood of reality. Her shriek was like a thousand nails on chalkboard in an infinite loop. Daphne was a barely tamed vicious monster and I think Tony knew that, but his issues developing emotional attachments with actual people probably caused him to project a personality on his pet that he could control.

Anyway, Tony pulled out his sword and the flail (again, which I sold him) and engaged the warrior. He had the upper hand for a good while, but as I warned him, the flail tired him out and he left himself open to be stabbed first by some little man, then by the warrior, who at this point removed their helmet. Turns out she was a woman the whole time! 6000 spears may not have been enough to break the lines of Mordor, but I guess it was enough to break that glass ceiling! She thrust her sword into his face and while this normally doesn’t do much good against Nazgûl, the impurities in Rohan steel have been known to cause anaphylactic reactions in some people. Unfortunately for Tony, he was one of those people. I would love to know what the forging process is like. That reminds me, what do the elves put in their steel that causes it to stop ghost swords?

I’m getting off topic again. Tony probably had some kind of metal allergy and with Nazgûl physiology, anything goes. It must have been Middle Hell on Middle Earth in those last few moments. He is gone now, and I suppose I am the only person left who will speak for him. Rest in peace, you old bastard! I have many years left to live and they’re gonna have to be without you so I’ll try to live them the best I can.

I have some more work to do so I’ll come back and clean this up a bit when time permits. That victim I mentioned earlier is awake and I must make sure he’s comfortable and all his personal effects remain in one place. He has a lot of shiny things and shiny things tend to disappear whenever my colleague, Shaggrat is on duty.