I gave Sauron a full report with a few embellishments. There was no need for him to know about the mushroom trip or the whole “stabbing that kid” thing (which I maintain wasn’t my fault). Jimbo and his big mouth ended up spilling all those details anyway. I mean, I like him in general, but I was pretty sure I was gonna throttle him before this was over. It didn’t really matter what I told the boss. He sent us out to get a ring and didn’t have one to offer him. He gave us some long condescending spiel about how we weren’t giving it our “all” and that we must strive for excellence to further our company mission. He also said I have a problem staying on task, can you believe that?!
Sauron had some good news and some bad news for us. He didn’t phrase it that way, but that’s how we took it. The good news was that he commissioned new mounts for all of us and we should have them within a few weeks. Details were a little vague, but he said they would help us cover a lot more ground. The bad news was that he’s planning on sending us some outside help. Apparently, we now must work with a wizard named Saruman who recently defected to our side. I guess after a long career of being among the wisest of wizards, he was ready to find a nice quiet place to settle down and raise an army. I met him once before at his tower, Isengard. I remember he kept calling me kiddo and gave me a Werther’s Original. Awesome voice though!
Sauron also pointed out that I should check on that kid who clearly came at me in a wild frenzy and I had no choice but to stab him. Recently there was a recall on Morgul turkey carving sets. Turns out they are super toxic and corrode moments after coming into contact with blood. He used his super flaming eyeball vision to show us that the kid was now in the hands of an elf woman heading in the direction of Rivendell. With that, he ended the call.
Sauron has a weird habit of signing off by saying, “I love you!” and seems to silently resent me for not saying it back. We finished our breakfast (a mountain of bacon, a few pancakes, and one egg), used the Palantir to update our social media platforms (Faceless Book, Palantirist, and Evil Instagram), watched the second half of a Quidditch game and found a motel to rest up at. Some locally owned joint called the Standing Still Pony. We only gave the beds a few cursory stabs for bedbugs before crashing about nine hours.
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Back on the road, we caught up to the elf woman and the kid after a six-day force march. In hindsight, we probably should have just talked to the woman rather than just chase her relentlessly and snatch at the child she was trying to protect. I guess that’s why quill pens come with ink thinner, right? We all reached a shallow, but exceptionally wide creek where she turned to face us.
Before I could stop him, Gary shouted, “Give up the halfling, She-Elf!” I wasn’t sure if I should address the racism or the sexism first, but I decided to put a pin in that for now. We were on the job, after all.
The woman drew her sword and replied, “If you want him, come and claim him” That seemed reasonable. It was weird that she led us on this crazy chase just to give the kid up now, but I was in no mood to question such things.
We cautiously approached her, and she started mumbling something as the water picked up. Pretty soon the ground started rumbling and the woman’s mumbling grew louder. Suddenly from around the bend of the creek, a huge wave came crashing through heading right toward us. We high-tailed it in the other direction in an ill-fated attempt to escape the tide. One by one, we all got swept up and I could have sworn the waves took the shape of horses (will the effects of these shrooms ever wear off?!).
Luckily the water in Middle Earth can’t kill you under any circumstances, so we just got washed away for a few miles. The horses were long gone, probably as sick of this adventure as we are. That cool satchel I inherited was lost, and my journal was ruined. I managed to salvage most of the pages, but the section where I talk about the polyamorous relationship I had with Elrond and Galadriel was gone. I guess that wasn’t a story meant to last through the ages. This is the last of my blank paper so by the next time I get a new journal and add to this, it’ll feel like a bit of a time jump, but I’ll try not to leave too much out!