Denzel's funeral took place in the serene countryside which he once called a home; a village rebuilt with no resemblance to the old. Only those he held dear, a select group comprising friends and family, among whom I found myself included, were invited. The intimate gathering was a mosaic of faces, all blending together. My thoughts lay elsewhere to ever see any of them other than a background blur. Even though I met a lot of Denzel’s closest friends and family, I can barely remember any of them.
I wasn’t particularly too sad, just numb. As if something was missing and I knew I could never get it back. I was too young to know what to call that, not that it mattered. The initial pain of Denzel’s death was gone and in its place was that small but everlasting ache of emptiness and guilt. I’m not sure which was worse;
The flood of anguish that collided all at once right at me or the doleful stream coursing through my heart that persisted for months on end.
My pensive and emotionless expression stuck out among everyone else. In Sulian culture, funerals mourn the dead with thankfulness and joy. The air was always filled with a melancholy undertone, yes, but no one let it get in the way of the light. People were dancing to music and dank alcohol to enhance what felt more like a party. There was little room to have tears filled with grief when there was laughter to enjoy. I just couldn’t see it like everyone else.
How could I?
I was responsible for Denzel’s death. I was the one who dragged him directly where Alysander’s assault happened. If I wasn’t so frustrated, we would have stayed in the orphanage far away from all of it. That guilt just doesn’t go away. It didn’t matter how many times I was told it wasn’t my fault, it still happened. I still put it all on me.
Sona once said, “It’s okay to feel this way right now. It’s okay to think it’s your fault, but it wasn’t you who impaled him, was it? Denzel would never blame you. Just try to remember that if you’re looking for a reason to forgive yourself.”
Those were the only words that ever helped. They didn’t make it any better but it did stop the spiral of my negativity from burrowing any deeper. They allowed a small path to open so all the cheerfulness and smiles of the funeral could be absorbed.
Within the confines of the church, heartfelt stories and cherished memories were shared. Each person painted their own portrait of Denzel, reminiscing the tales of his adventures or his humble humanitarian deeds. With each story, I got a sense of just how immensely he was loved. Denzel wanted to walk a similar road to the man who saved him, Bellas. He wanted to inspire.
I like to believe he got his dream fulfilled in the end. He transformed the lives that he touched and used his connections to make the world better the best he could. Denzel most certainly left an impact on my life. He was always a reminder that no matter how bad things got, there were always people just like him. That individuals are good.
Through Sona's encouragement, I hesitantly stepped forward to share my own words. My time knowing him had been relatively short so I didn’t have a particular memory in mind. Instead, I spoke about how he guided me through an unfamiliar word, making the strange and daunting reality feel less overwhelming. When I arrived from a solitary existence on a remote island, naive about modern life and society, Denzel became my beacon, gently easing me into this new reality. His guidance and support were invaluable and I found solace in that. There were things he failed to teach me or make me aware of, but I was a special case. He tried his best. The best part of not knowing him for that long was that I had fewer memories, but that just made it easier to remember each one. I couldn’t single one out because they were all each as memorable as the last.
I thought about what Claire would say about him, about what he meant to her, but she wasn’t there. Claire's absence at the funeral was a consistent talking point. Hints that they were closer than I thought were whispered in conversations. Her absence was befuddling to most. Only those who had met Claire knew what to expect but even some thought otherwise.
Her Knights knew why she couldn’t show up, yet it was only Sona and I holding faint hope that she would postpone her journey just to bid Denzel farewell. Despite Claire's seemingly annoyed demeanor towards Denzel, there existed an unspoken respect for him. If she trusted him enough to hand me over to him, surely he was one of the few Claire thought of as a friend. She should have been there.
There were still a lot of things I wanted to tell her. There were a lot of things I wanted to ask her. There were a lot of things I was confused about. Like why didn’t she want me around anymore despite telling me otherwise days before? I wanted to know what she was talking about when I was eavesdropping. I wanted her to tell me that everything was going to be okay now, that I didn’t have to be scared anymore.
I got none of that.
Perhaps she would’ve talked to me longer if I had asked her to. She was vulnerable then, maybe it would have made a difference. Instead, I had to ask Sona all of my questions once I had calmed down and taken to a safe place. On top of all a little girl should never experience, the sight of Claire’s head being sliced off was the most prominent. Her survival was the only thing on my mind while in the hospital.
Claire’s immortality, a detail like that would have been nice to know. A thing that would have lessened the already immense distress I was going through. It would have explained a lot, actually. Much of what I knew about Claire and her adventures didn’t line up with what I told. I never questioned the abnormalities before Denzel taught me how time worked. It was only after that I began to get hints of those thoughts but those were always brushed aside by the smallest distraction.
Claire’s undying life was never purposely kept secret. Sona laughed when I told her that it was never mentioned. Supposedly it was just like Claire to forget that I wasn’t being raised in civilization and wouldn’t learn it naturally. It didn’t help that we were in Sul either, where Claire wasn’t looked up to like most of the world.
-
.
There are three grand Gifts of the Goddess bestowed on humanity. One was a stone that could harness the energy of the sun, the other was a metal that was used to purge the plague from its corruption. There was another that I wasn’t told about yet but was in front of all this time.
Claire was the first and greatest gift.
The world knows her by many names; the immortal archangel that walks alongside humanity, protecting them. The tutelary of life.
Her immortality shapes her life essence into this boundless reservoir. That's what allows her to weave magic as a bottomless wellspring of energy, unaffected by any amount she expends. This infinite pool serves as the spring from which all her Knights draw their power, each entrusted with access to a piece of her soul, acting as a conduit. At first, I thought this made all of her Knights immortal too, but that channel is limited by how well it is used. Her magic is limited by the user.
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Claire exists out of time. She's stuck, unable to age or change. Any damage that occurs eventually heals and reverts to her baseline, freezing her in a perpetual state of youth. The only things that are allowed to change are superficial layers of her physical form. Despite being eternal, it's her still present emotions and memories that are her weakness.
Sona never told me just how old Claire was, but with the stories Frierenlus had told me, I chalked it up to be thousands. And in all that time, everyone she had met had died. That loneliness is enough to drive anyone mad, but Frie was the only constant in her life, her rock. But even Frie, as old as he was, couldn't dodge time forever, not like Claire. He too, like all things, eventually will leave this world before her.
I understood my mother a little more but the gap between us felt that it widened with every step I took towards her world. Like her age, it felt unending. My presence in her life was of a planet to a galaxy. I was naive in thinking I was anything more than that.
The full scope of the world I was stepping my feet into far exceeded anything I could ever prepare for.
-
In the final moments before her departure, Claire's persona evolved, revealing contradicting facets of her character. It was a side of her I’ve only glimpsed but I yearned to hold on to consistently. Our goodbye was brief but I felt more openness from her than ever before. Her voice was soft and warm having a tone more of a woman than a robot. She said she couldn’t be the mother I wanted her to be, but she spoke just as that.
But it wasn't just me. Among all present, it was Sona to whom Claire exhibited empathy. Everyone else was treated like her soldiers, her staff, and underlings. Sona and Claire’s interactions were smiles echoing the familiarity of old friends reuniting. The hug shared between them right before Claire's exit was one of genuine connection. It left me confused about what it was about Sona that softened Claire's usually intense aura. The veil of pressure that usually enveloped Claire left, replaced by calm air tinged with sorrow. It was a moment that underscored Claire's lingering humanity. I thought Bellas was the only one who could evoke such genuine emotion from an otherwise enigmatic soul. Knowing there were others only made Claire more complex.
Denzel hinted that her apathy was only a mask. I knew it was so she couldn’t grow close to people. Despite trying to avoid those connections, she still had people she loved. Claire was a growing shroud of mysteries. Her actions and thought process never made much sense. I just wanted to know why she decided to act like she cared about me at that moment.
Claire spent five whole years looking after me, raising me. She didn’t have to, there were other options, but she still did. Yet after all that, she treated me like everyone else. She barely acted any different when she brought Bellas to the island. But now that was only a front to close her heart as best she could for his passing. Her annoyance towards Bellas was similar to how she treated Denzel. It was a farce to hide her real emotions. What was going through her head when she was displaying such rare kindness?
The difference was Alysander, a man from Claire’s long and enigmatic past who froze her in disbelief at his sudden reappearance. The initial context clues that I got weren’t enough and there was never enough time for Sona to properly explain just who he is. However, his presence alone fundamentally changed everything Claire believed. I didn’t know the whys and hows just yet, but her mind was grasping to stay sane. Claire told me only once; that it was a moment of weakness, a reminder of her disobedience.
It was Alysander who reminded her that she too is human.
So much happened in a single day that it never felt real. The following days weren’t any better. I didn’t feel it was me who was inside my body and the world was blurred with astigmatism. Somewhere along over the years, my brain decided to forget most of the trauma I went through. It was better to leave the nightmare as a void. The aftermath always lingered, but my memory of it was locked away until I was ready to face it.
-
Alysander’s attack on the city marked an indelible change in the world. As Claire said, the attack was nothing more than a distraction. One of the four guardians of the planet was purposely summoned, Demeter, the tutelary of Earth. The awakening of this titan transcends the realm of an ordinary force of nature; it unleashes fury thought of as a punishment. While Claire was focusing on what was happening in front of her, she failed to sense Demeter’s appearance elsewhere.
It’ll take years for me to learn the full scope and weight that day meant. It took me even longer to learn about the complexities that led up to that summoning. Each new piece of information made me feel like I was spiraling down a rabbit hole of complex politics and ulterior motives. I’ll keep it simple for now.
The Titan Demeter is considered the greatest roadblock to humanity’s technological and geographical advancement. It’s the reason why there are only sparse cities such as Iseul. The respect and moderated use of the planet’s land is one of the pillars of the Goddess’ religion. Demeter is awoken whenever too much unnatural change to the earth occurs, attacking whatever the cause is.
Being an unthinking and lifeless beast, Demeter attacks indiscriminately even if it goes against the will of the planet. Because of this flaw, Claire deemed Demeter’s presence to be too much of a frequent threat. It's her Knights who are sent to be judge and jury to whatever summoned it. If the cause is just, then it is allowed to continue. If it’s not, then they stop the reason or fight against the titan until it is driven away. They were the only people who had the power to achieve such a monumental task.
They were the only ones who could ever stand a chance.
Instead, they were all stuck in a room and attacked before any of them could be informed of Demeter’s wake. A distraction not to delay them from driving it back, but rather from stopping who woke it in the first place. Alysander and his allies wanted Demeter to advance undisturbed.
The war between Sul and the continent of Eos was orchestrated behind the shadows. The weapons Sul had developed were powerful enough to warrant a response from the planet. Once tested in the atmosphere, summoning Frie but Claire arrived in his stead. Another was used on Eos’ land but just weak enough to keep Demeter in slumber. Claire once thought her failure was from not being fast enough to stop those weapons from being used. But her real failure was forcefully putting a stop to the war. As powerful as Claire was, she was still limited by time. She’s not a god, not all-knowing, one of her few weaknesses.
Unbeknownst to anyone, Alysander’s allies stole Sul’s weapons and used them inside Eos. Demeter rose and began approaching Lucius’s capital city before anyone could figure out why and couldn’t get into contact with The Order.
With the chaos in Iseul happening at the same time, the countries of Lucius and Lux couldn’t wait for The Order to arrive. They began to prepare for the incoming deity as best they could. Conveniently, Sul was also obligated to assist as part of the newly made peace treaty. A treaty that Claire forced to be made.
The king of Sul found it within his power to use the very weapons that required Claire’s rare intervention. He saw it as a way to prove to the rest of the world that their inventions were justified and the next step forward in civilization.
By the time the Knights arrived, it was too late.
For the first time in history, another military was able to drive Demeter away. They proved that their overwhelming military might and advancements were enough to fight back what was once thought impossible. Sul would further prove that their weapons were strong enough to even be an effective alternative for dealing with the Plague.
That day marked the coming of a new age. One where humanity doesn’t need to rely on The Gifts of the Goddess anymore. Humans now had the power to surpass the limits of their stagnated capabilities. Over time, the reliance that outside help diminished. Funding for the Knights of The Goddess began to dwindle and the faith in them only lessened. The belief in The Goddess began to shift and split the world in two.
Whatever all that meant would come with time.
It wasn’t my problem to begin with. I was dropped into this scary world with a self-imposed naivety that I could do anything about it. That I was of any importance and could fulfill my childish dreams. I was just a weak little girl who was chasing after the wrong thing. As much as I wanted to get involved, this just wasn’t my story. It never was.
It was Claire’s.
But Claire was now gone. I had nothing to chase anymore. All I wanted was to be like the make-believe idea of who I thought Claire was. I wanted to walk that path and follow in her footsteps. But Claire was right, I had it in my head that she was someone she was not. She realized that I saw her as this all-good and benevolent woman when she shattered that image of her for me. That’s when she started to believe it was better for me if I didn’t stick around. Claire remembered that I’m a human too and deserved to be with someone who treated me better; that she was being selfish and I should have been with Denzel or Sona from the start.
I thought my new life was starting when I first left The Garden. I was wrong. Instead of my life being about Claire, Claire, and only Claire, it should have been about me. I’m different than any other human. I’m different from those blessed in the Realm of The Goddess too. Figuring out who I was should have been the road to walk on all along. That wasn’t happening while Claire was keeping what she knew a secret from me, from everyone. I had to find out all for myself, no matter how much it hurt.
The start of my new life began when I was no longer tied to Claire. She was holding me back, I was holding myself back. I was stuck trying to fit inside Claire’s story but now I was free.
My story had only begun.