Denzel worked as an information broker along with running his orphanage. Once a part of the highest-ranked Knights of The Goddess, he was forced to retire after his leg was ripped apart. During that short-lived service, he found himself to be good at getting powerful people to trust him. There were very few people who had as many connections as him. This was the excuse Claire had for keeping in touch with Denzel. He was the best person to go to so she could keep up with current events. She never liked to admit that Denzel was one of the few people she liked. After all, she trusted him enough to leave me in his care.

I got to know a lot about him while I stayed with him. He was very approachable and understanding. I was never brushed aside or ignored when I wanted something. He paid attention to me and would take moments out of his day to check up on me. Denzel was good with kids. He ran an orphanage after all; it was his day job even though I was the only kid living there at the moment. I asked him about it one day. He said that there weren’t many orphans in the city so there would be times when it was just him. Denzel didn’t get into the details, but he implied his home is frowned upon. He said that the kingdom had its own way of dealing with parentless children. He went into further details a few days later and it was something I wasn’t ready to hear just yet.

I felt safe around Denzel.

It didn’t cross my mind that I gave it no thought to vent my frustrations to him after Claire shattered my image of her. He didn’t try and justify Claire’s actions or even explain them. Denzel just listened and assured me that I was allowed to be angry about it.

“Pain inside your heart will always hurt more than any broken bone, Rae Claire will only hurt you more if you continue to chase after her,” Denzel softly said what I was kept being told.

I didn’t speak to Claire until the day of her meeting. She didn’t care as expected. It’s not like I spoke to her much before then either. While my leg was healing, she came and went as she pleased and rarely stuck around for more than an hour. I didn’t know where she went or what she was doing. I was told that Claire has rarely been this active before. But now with the ever-increasing presence of the plague and growth of humanity, her role has never been more needed. She was taking advantage of the freedom of not being tied down by me.

There’s a self-imposed rule that the Knights of The Goddess can’t interfere with the affairs between nations. Claire was the sole exception given who she was. The only time I found out what she was up to was when my cartoons were abruptly interrupted by the news one evening.

That’s when I learned that this Kingdom of Sul was at war with two countries on the island continent in the far south. The breaking news was the declaration of the official end of this war. All parties finally reached an agreement to various asks and demand from the negotiations of the now-former ceasefire, however, is was Sul that had to pay the most.

I was too young and annoyed to pay attention to all the details. It was the shock on the news anchors that told me no one expected it to end this way. No one could make sense of the king’s decision to not only end the war but to effectively admit defeat in the eyes of the world. That’s just how everyone felt. Everyone thought Sul would claim victory.

“Why was there a war?” I ran over to Denzel’s office.

He was also watching the same news broadcast. His stare at the TV was intense; standing stiff and his fingers scratching his chin. “I’m not sure how to explain it in a way that you can understand,” He sighed.

On his desk was a globe which he spun. He stopped it where I could face the front of the globe where I could see almost all of the continents clumped up together, almost covering it whole. He placed his finger on the center of the left continent, one of the two titan continents of the world. Denzel proceeded to give me a brief lesson in geography. I, ever eager, was on my tippytoes and holding on the desk’s edge to get a better view of the Globe

This country and kingdom of Sul was the largest in the titan continent of Apollo. Denzel’s finger was pointing exactly where we were. A city that was one of the few highlighted. There were many more countries that filled the continent. Each country getting smaller and smaller as the land became more narrow the further south it went.

On the right and only separated by finger size width of a sea, the other titan continent of Mene reigned supreme. Like Sul, one country claimed half of the landmass. Similar to how Sul was named after the sun, this country was named after the moon, Lune. These two countries are the oldest in the world and were founded around the same time; like sisters.

The two continents were connected by two very small and narrow grey lines that crossed the sea, one up north and another towards the equator.

Above these two was the third largest continent that was covering and circling the top of the glove. Denzel briefed over it as he realized he was getting off-topic like he often did.

On the southern side of Sul where the land narrows, the fourth continent was where Denzel wanted to focus on. Separated by sea strait, Eos was the smallest out of the four. There were only two countries there, Lucius and Lux.

“This is where the war was happening. The king wanted to take over this land,” Denzel pointed to the continent of Eos which was a dwarf compared to Apollo and Mene. “Obviously that isn’t happening now.”

“But why?”

“Hmm,” Denzel thought, still trying to figure out how to dumb down the long and complicated history.

Denzel spun the globe, stopping it where I could see the other side. This other side was nearly entirely an empty ocean except for another continent awkwardly alone in the corner.

“A long, long time ago, this country was created when The Endless World War was finally stopped by the prophets and angels of The Goddess. Like many others, it was built around the faith and teaching of these prophets that we all believe in today. That all changed when the emperor who founded Sul was murdered. It was witnessed that the most divine angel killed him. This angel became demonized and hated, thought to be a traitor to The Goddess. Those who refused to denounce their worship of this angel left were banished and forced to search for a new home. See back then, the wounds from the war were still fresh so no other nation would accept them. These people traveled until they found Eos, an uninhabited paradise where they could live peacefully and could continue their worship.”

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“Get to the point!”

Denzel laughed, “The current king thinks the people from Lucius and Lux are still citizens of Sul. He sees himself as great as the first emperor and wants to unite the kingdom to what it used to be. At least that's the excuse he has given the people. Nothing but a farce to mask his second motive.”

“What?! What?!”

“This country recently developed a new type of weapon; one that doesn’t rely on the power of The Goddess’ gift. Supposedly it's powerful enough to rival The Order of Knights. Eos was just the testing ground for their prototype, an excuse to display their power.”

“This country sucks. It’s evil.”

“That’s one way of looking at it. The King would argue that the age of relying on the Goddess’ power is ending and that this is the next step in humanity’s expansion.”

I never gave thought to everything that was happening around the world. There was so much information around me that it all seemed too much to stop and focus on one thing. Now that I learned a bit about what was going on in the world, it didn’t take long for me to put together that this weapon was what caused Claire to leave our home island for three months. Frie, the ancient dragon was summoned for the first time in a millennium to stop it but Claire went in his stead. The first test of those weapons was used in the air, then on land, both of which Claire failed to stop.

“Claire’s the one who forcing the king to end his little delusion. That unnatural power used for the bombs was part of the reason why The Goddess gave humanity one of her gifts.”

“But wasn’t that gift the reason why that giant war happened in the first place?”

“That’s right. It was meant to bring humanity together and give us a source of energy that didn’t poison the world. When it was whole, it was so powerful and efficient that no one could agree on who should have it. Now that it’s divided, each piece can only give us just enough for the electricity we use today.”

“Okay, but how? Where does it come from?”

“From the sun. The crystals absorb the light of the sun and convert it into energy. It’s near infinite and it doesn’t pollute the world like the old world did. But I’m no physicist so I don’t really know how it works either.”

“So it’s a magic crystal? Wait, do people even know about how to do it?”

“They do but nobody dares to use it. It’s too difficult to learn and it’ll only kill you in the end. People do study it though.”

“It wasn’t hard for me to learn.” I snapped my fingers to light up a flame for half a second.

“You know you’re just shortening your life, right?”

“Just a little bit isn’t going to hurt me too much.”

“It can build up, Rae.”

“Then how come Claire can do it? Is she using the power of the sun too? She said there’s a different way but won’t tell me how.”

“Well, that’s just because you’re not old enough to handle it. Not many can. It’s amazing that you can even draw out your lifestream to begin with. A prodigy, even.”

“That’s how I know I can get really strong. Once I learn how to use magic like Claire I’ll be as strong as her!”

Denzel did not comment.

-

The night before the fateful day came and Claire had a talk with Denzel behind closed doors. I held my ear against the doors to try to hear what it was about. Everything I could make out from the muffled words was too difficult to make sense of without any context anyway. She talked about the shifts that were happening all throughout the world. Her tone spoke volumes of her disappointment in everything. She said that despite everything, history is repeating itself. Denzel assures Claire that it isn’t like before.

He tells her, “The world is united under one God, and follow your teachings. The reliance outside of the crystals is minimal humanity tries its best to keep their impact minimal. What more can you ask?”

“And yet those annoying monsters have only been increasing. No other species is causing their creation.”

“You never did tell me what exactly is this plague. It’s not a disease. Why was Bellas the only person who knew? What about it that you refuse to tell anyone else?”

“It’s been so long that I can barely remember.”

“And what of Rae? How does she fit into the puzzle?

Every adult I met questioned if I should have ever been in Claire’s care. They were all concerned about how she was raising me. They all asked me if I wanted to be with her and if I was happy with her. They all told me that I had other options. Everyone who knew her knew what her personality was. They all knew Claire would never raise me as a girl and give me a normal life.

Denzel asked, “You never did tell me what happened when you almost killed her. Is she…like?”

Claire moved from where she was in the room. She got closer to the doors so I was able to hear her better. I know now that it was on purpose, wanting me to hear her. “It doesn’t matter. I was sure she was going to die or turn out of desperation to stay alive. That little girl isn’t who I wanted her to be. You can have her now. I’m tired of that little puppy following me around.”

“Didn’t you give her a choice?”

“I’ve given it some thought. Everyone’s right. She’ll only become a miserable old hag if she’s with me.”

Denzel laughed. “You have changed.”

“Don’t confuse logic with empathy.”

“Then why go through the trouble? You knew from the start, you said it yourself. What was it about her that you were so afraid of?”

“Rae’s nothing more than an abomination. I’m just glad she isn’t much more than that. I don’t have any more use for her. I haven’t gotten any closer to figuring out where she came from either.”

I left to my room trying to hold back tears. I smoothed my face into the pillow to silence my cries. I was already disappointed in Claire for not being the person I wanted her to be but she kept making it worse.

My opinion of her always became more negative each time I learned a little more about her and who she really was, but I still was okay with it. I didn’t care if she was emotionless and distant because I thought she was so cool for being so strong that she was made one of the four great guardians of the planet. I didn’t care because despite her obtuse and harsh personality she still was a hero. I was willing to forgive her for not acting like a mother because I thought I understood her reason for not getting attached to me.

But hearing that I was no use to her anymore changed all that. I couldn’t handle it. I hoped that there would be a day when I got to consistently see her very rare smiles and laughter that I treasure. I hoped that there would be a day when she would tell me she loved me. But that was all gone now. The only person I wanted love from was just a fantasy.

Dr. June was right when she said if I stayed with Claire I would eventually resent her. That night was that moment. It wasn’t anger, fear, or anxiety that I felt. I didn’t know what it felt to hate. This strong bitterness in my heart was the closest thing to it. Why did it have to be Claire who found me? Why was I abandoned in the first place? Was I that unwanted? What was it about me that my biological parents were willing to let me die?

I thought about all the positive memories I had of Claire, the few that I had; her few smiles and praises that she gave me. I remembered the times when she would take me to places on the island that she thought were beautiful. Why would she show me those views if she didn’t want to bond with me?

I thought about the few times she would read to me when she was bored. I thought of the times she taught me basic general knowledge and her lessons on how to survive by myself. Why did she bother if I was only an unnatural curiosity to her?

I thought about how she allowed me to sleep in her bed with her despite all her protests. I thought about why I did it in the first place. They were the only times when she held me. Those nights were the only time when I felt the real Claire who was incarcerated. The Claire who was human and the one I only saw glimpses of.

Why did she let me if she didn’t love me?