They wound up the mountain. As they approached the Count’s manor, the sky grew dark and grey. Thick evergreens cloaked the slopes. An eerie mist cloaked the ground, thickening as the peak eclipsed the sun. Ravens picked at a dead deer strewn by the side of the path. They burst into the air at Colin and Levi’s approach, cawing a warning.

“Damn. Atmospheric as fuck. What did I tell you? This Count is absolutely a vampire,” Levi said, nudging Colin.

“I didn’t disagree,” Colin said.

The dirt path drew to a large, peak-topped red door. The dark stone edifice of the manor bore down on them, looming ominously. Peaked dark windows gazed at them. Small diamond-shaped panes gleamed in the reflected light. Gargoyles crouched at the corners of the roof. Black scum and scattered dead branches sat atop roof tiles. Darkness cloaked the entire building. It emanated rot. Cobwebs clustered thick in the rooms beyond the windows, drifting like ghosts in the drafty spaces within.

Levi hefted the brass wolf’s-head knocker. He let it fall. THONK.

Ravens cawed in the distance.

Levi turned. He nodded, impressed. “That’s good. I like this Count already.”

“Why are you so excited about this? The Count is probably a vampire. A real, actual, boss monster vampire. You should be terrified,” Colin pointed out. He held his staff close and eyed the door with trepidation.

“What? Vampires are sexy. I mean, I’d prefer a Countess, but a sexy male vampire minion is super useful, too. We’ll get all the ladies to help us out,” Levi said.

“Why are you assuming he’s going to be sexy? What if he’s a Nosferatu-style vampire? Some hideous, pale, mucus-covered monstrosity?” Colin pointed out.

Levi shrugged. “Then we kill him. Simple.”

“You’re assuming that’s simple. Vampires can be crazy hard to kill.”

Levi gestured at Colin. “Says the Life Mage, who’s the antithesis to all undead. And who’s also dead, so totally unthreatened by a vampire. You’re asking why I’m not afraid, but the better question is, why are you? Your spells literally tear you apart, and you aren’t even pointing them at yourself.”

Colin opened his mouth. He shut it, then shrugged. “I wasn’t thinking of it like that.”

“I don’t know why not. You might be kind of useless—offensively, offensively—in a fight with normal monsters, but you’re crazy OP against other undead. You’re the anti-undead undead rifle.”

Colin nodded slowly.

“So fear not, and let’s go recruit a vampire!” Levi knocked a few more times. He waited.

Colin coughed. “I don’t think he’s coming.”

“No… I’m starting to get that vibe, too.” Levi glanced around. “See a broken window anywhere? Shoddy lock?”

Colin backed up a few steps. He pointed. “Round the corner, there, the window’s shattered.”

Levi backed up as well. From this angle, he could see through one window to another one around the corner, where sunlight streamed in uninhibited. He nodded. “Right, then. Tally-ho.”

The window stood about shoulder-height. Levi put down the Arminator. It set its weapons down and waited for Levi to climb atop it. Once he was on top, the Arminator did one very impressive pushup, lifting him a few feet to put the window at waist-height. He scrambled in, then turned around to offer a hand for Colin.

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Colin took his hand. The man’s hand was clammy and cold, and slightly slimy from the lizardskin gloves. Levi grimaced but persisted, and hauled Colin into the window. The Armalgam scrambled up the wall once they were both in. It hopped over the windowsill and scrambled up beside Levi. Dipping, Levi offered it his shoulders, and it slid into place.

“Too bad about the weapons, but I guess one per hand was always unrealistic,” Levi commented.

The Armalgam wiggled. Its hand flashed, and it showed Levi a knife.

“Tricky! Where’d you get that from, huh?”

The Armalgam showed Levi one of its wrists. This one was wrapped in what Levi had assumed was a leather bracer. The Armalgam spun the knife, then slid it into a concealed hilt in the inside of the bracer.

“Sick. Alright, I give it to you. That’s a good idea.”

Colin peered at the Armalgam. “It doesn’t have a head, let alone a brain. How is it able to think up tricks like that? Or communicate with you?”

“It’s a magical undead. Logic doesn’t apply,” Levi said.

The Armalgam gave a thumbs up.

“I guess I’m rotting, but totally capable of independent thought, so whatever,” Colin muttered to himself.

Levi peered around. This room was windswept, the furniture peeling and ruined. Nonetheless, gold claws still gripped the floor, and the torn velvet slumped off what had once ben proud armchairs and loveseats. Dark wallpaper drooped. In one corner, a knee-high pile of leaves coiled tight. Nothing appeared to be sleeping in it at the moment, but it certainly looked slept in.

A half-ruined door hung open. Levi pushed it open and stepped into a dark hallway. This hallway was in better repair than the initial room. Its rugs remained intact, and its wallpaper mostly clung to the walls. A mirrored table stood against the wall. Something scurried away in the depths of the hall with a flick of a furless tail.

Levi drew his sword. The Armalgam spread wide, preparing to attack. Colin fell back, staff at the ready. In this formation, they proceeded down the hall.

Doors opened to the left and the right. Levi nudged them open. Cobweb-draped furniture and abandoned rooms stood behind each door. There wasn’t much else to comment on. Nothing leaped out at them. In the filtered light of day, the manor was more sad than spooky. A reminder of what had once been grand, rather than the fear of what might be.

“So, what do you think? Basement or bedroom?” Levi asked, nudging another door open.

“What do you mean?”

“The vampire. Basement or bedroom? If they’re proper Dracula, they should be in the basement in a coffin, right? But if they’re a true glam vampire, they’ll be in the bedroom.” Levi pushed open another door to reveal a rickety set of bare plank stairs, leading down into darkness.

“We should check the basement while it’s still day,” Colin said, hugging his staff tighter.

Levi nodded. He descended into the darkness. The planks creaked under him. “Good call. It’s less spooky if there’s some daylight.”

Colin hesitated. After a moment, he followed Levi down.

Faint sunlight flowed in from the open door. It illuminated a small square of bare earth floor. Levi gestured Colin down. “Activate that magic of yours. We need some light.”

Colin nodded. He held his staff up. Gold light glowed from its tip. It lit up the space, revealing a surprisingly spacious basement. Huge wooden pillars stood evenly across the room. Huge wine casks and smaller boxes sat here and there across the space. The entire basement was full of the food supplies one might expect from a fully staffed manor.

“I don’t drink…wine,” Levi mocked, swishing a pretend glass in his hand.

Colin rolled his eyes.

Levi wandered around the room. He peered behind the casks. Peeked under crates. Prodded at the corners. At last, he stood and put his hands on his hips. “You know, I see a shocking lack of vampire materials, and a plethora of human materials. Food. Wine. Not a single coffin. Not even a smattering of bats or a stench of blood. I’m starting to wonder if this Count is actually just an ordinary, and very dead, man.”

“Could be,” Colin agreed.

“Only one way to find out. To the bedroom!” Hoisting his sword, Levi headed back up the stairs.

Colin hesitated one moment. He looked back, his brows furrowed.

Something flickered through the shadows. Something large.

Colin yelped. He held up his staff.

On the stairs, Levi looked back. “What is it?”

Gold light played over the room, illuminating nothing out of place. Crates and casks, just as they’d been moments ago.

“N-nothing,” Colin said. “Just a play of the light.”

“C’mon. Let’s go invade the bedroom,” Levi said, turning around again.

Colin stared at the room. He slowly climbed the stairs, watching over his shoulder the whole time. Only when he shut the door behind him did he finally relax.

In the utter black of the basement, a dry laugh echoed off the walls. A dark figure stood alone, eyes narrowed at the cracks of sunlight around the door.

“You won’t awaken the Count. Not if I have anything to say about it.”