I watched with a mix of horror and humor as the goat slammed into the trenches and exploded. I turned towards the last windclaw near me and said. “Take my kids into the nearby forest! Take cover!”

I then sprinted towards the front lines. My mind raced as I tried to think of a solution. If we continued to be bombarded then we would lose, I could already see a few corpses from here.

As I walked by the trenches I made a decision. “To me, troops! We’re taking this castle! They think they can hit us and we’ll just sit here? Charge! Kill the vagrant paupers! Charge!” My cry was met with a resounding. “For the Queen! For the Queen!”

Hundreds of bruisers hopped out of the trenches and sprinted towards the castle. I did the same and decided I was going to have to act like a siege weapon. I whined and said. “Oh holy taxes, protect me and my brain.” as I slammed head first into the gate. I was solid but I weighed a lot and had been traveling quite fast.

My head rattled as the gate crumpled under me as I stumbled into the castle. Thousands of zorkids stared at me as I walked towards them like a drunk man going for his eighth beer. It took a few seconds for me to realize what planet I was on as I stood up straight, thanked taxes for protecting me and yelled. “I’m gonna eat all of you! Then I’m gonna shit you out and use you to fertilize my fields! Then I’ll eat those crops that you fertilized! Then I’ll shit them out and do it again! You are going to help feed generations!

I sprinted forward, bruisers all around me as I leaped into the air and belly flopped into the center of their lines. The castle was large but it still struggled to fit two two thousand of the zorkids. This meant that every time I swiped with my claws or stabbed with my tail I killed multiple. Double kill!

Brusieres and zorkids died all around me as we desperately pushed through their lines. Thankfully it seemed like they hadn’t expected this as their lines were disorderly and barely coherent.

The fighting lasted for an hour, a desperate melee with dozens dying every second. We were slowly being pushed back when I made the decision. “Orderly retreat! Bruisers in the back grab the wounded! If you are too wounded to fight, leave! We’ve done enough damage for now. Grab a corpse or two if you can! That’ll be our dinner.”

It wasn’t a very orderly retreat but it was better than a mass rout. I wouldn’t be joining them yet. I stared at the contraption that had launched the exploding goat. It was a mix of a slingshot and a ballista. And it had to go. I sprinted through the enemy lines, stomping on zorkids as I sprinted forward.

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I was getting hit for every step of the way, blood gushing down my sides as I grumbled and winced every time one of the zorkids slammed their weird third arm into my legs. Finally I was a few feet away. I knew I wouldn’t be able to make it back through the zorkids so I just sped up and yelled. “Fuck all of you! I’ll be back!”

I crashed into the slingshot and didn’t stop. I fell from the wall, the slingshot under me as I fell nearly thirty feet. I slammed into the ground with a grunt before beginning to slide down the hill.

I gracefully face planted into the mud at the bottom of the hill, my blood mixing with the swampy area. I laid there for around ten minutes until some bruisers found me and dragged me back to the trenches. I wasn’t even able to stand.

It took around an hour but I was dropped back at my command position. My kids fussed over me for a few minutes but I had to wave them away. I didn’t want them to see how injured I was.

The commanders found me about an hour later, sitting in a gigantic pool of blood. I just nodded and at them as they quickly moved me to a new spot. I had stopped bleeding by now and my wounds were already starting to close.

I sighed as I looked around the commanders and realized that we were missing two. Without missing a beat I asked. “Who died?” Dos frowned and said. “Ocho and Tres. They were at the front the entire time. I saw Ocho get swarmed by some Zorkids. He had gotten too far away from the rest of us. I don’t know how Tres died.”

Cinco volunteered the information by saying. “They used a few of the exploding goats. Tres got caught in one of the blasts. The entire side of his face was gone.” Cinco shuddered when he said that and I patted him on the head with my tail. This was the first battle for most of my soldiers. Many would be traumatized by the combat.

I sighed again and said. “Alright, how many soldiers died?” Cinco once again spoke. “We lost a bit less than two hundred. The entirety of the third battalion was destroyed. They received the brunt of the exploding goats.”

I winced and said. “Alright, spread the bruisers out so we have nine battalions of brusters again. Have the troops elect a new leader for each battalion. They’ll also be given the title of either Ocho or Tres. They’ll have to live up to their new names.”

My commanders nodded and as I struggled to my feet and asked. “And the food situation? How many of the enemy do you think we killed?” No one spoke for a bit until Dos said. “We have over eight hundred zorkid corpses. Those who were injured early in the fight stayed to collect food. We believe we kill over a thousand of them. However most of our soldiers are injured and over six hundred are unable to fight.”

I nodded and said. “We’ll have to be careful, we need time to recover. We can’t risk another full frontal assault. Supplies will be coming in soon. Let the troops gorge themselves. Too many are still malnourished.”

Dos nodded and began walking away. I yelled out. “Thank you, for everything, troops. I know you don’t actually know me. I just wanted to thank you.” They all smiled and walked away, chanting. “For the Queen! For the Queen!”

I smiled as well and stumbled down the hill after them. I wanted to walk among the troops. I wanted to see what the result of my orders were. I got to the third trench and felt like throwing up. Bruisers missing legs, tails and even parts of their head were screaming and groaning as a few tired looking bruisers tried their best to attend to them.

I sighed and turned towards a windclaw messenger. “Go grab a hundred caretakers from our district.” I paused and considered for a bit before saying. “Grab a couple hundred hatchlings as well.” We need people to carry around moss soaked with water, to clean the wounds and to feed the wounded. I stared at the wounded for a bit longer before turning towards a nearby injured bruiser. He stared at me with some uncertainty in his eyes. I stared back and said. “Please, take me to the dead.”