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Light and Shadow (conclusion)

Still, I kept to a reasonable speed until I came to what was essentially a straightaway. I peered down the road and all around. I eased on the gas until I was going faster than I'd ever dared go in a car. This one handled the speed very well.

I let myself smile a bit despite all the fears and confusion. When the road returned to curves and mountains, I dialed back the speed. I still remained a bit above the posted limit but then I usually went a little fast on this road. Everyone always did, especially heading home.

Zipping around the mountains and landscapes brought back so many rich memories. It had been forever since I'd last visited around here. It was a shame it wasn't under better circumstances than an empty and haunted world. I reflected on what I could remember. I used to travel this route many times between home and class on weekends. It was close enough that, despite the expense of gas, I could visit home and get some free laundry done.

I missed not being a part of weekend events, but I always tried to make it back for the Sunday afternoon softball game. It was fun. We got beaten bad every single time, but it was still fun.

I had to switch freeways a couple times and considered stopping by a favorite store of mine just south of the last freeway change. It would be a short detour. But it was an area I rarely drove and I still feared that those shadowy things would be there. Better to seek out more familiar territory. I passed that exit with some regrets, but I let them go.

Transitioning onto the last freeway, my speed shifted back under the limit before settling into a rather sedate pace. I found myself enjoying the slow rise and flow of the hills. I let the gas off and gravity carried me over the long dips. I could see, past the hills, the buildings of the city. Somewhere in that mess was the office where I worked as an editor for several years after college and sustained, wandering unemployment. My second job was just north of it, some lawyer's office that needed a writer. It took a while before I found my place working freelance out of home. I was holed up in my mother's house, before I had enough money saved.

It wouldn't be much of a detour to stop over at her house first. There would probably even be some things of mine left there which I could pick up. I thought it through a bit before resolving to make the trek.

The transition from hills to mountains and shrubs to harsh desert sage was the same as always but the light shadows from the hills and the starkness of the land took on a sinister quality. Slowing, I glanced up to see that the haze hadn't cleared and the sun still seemed to be at a perfect zenith, despite the passage of time.

I tried the radio for a bit. I did manage to get a couple of songs. They all sounded like ones which had gotten stuck in my head from one time or another. It helped. I had no idea how they were still broadcasting, but I guessed they were running on a tape. The same question could be asked about the electricity and the freshly-heated food.

With a circuit of familiar songs, I made my way higher until I was around mom's area. I'd drifted far under the speed limit, especially when I slowed to have one of the smaller burgers. I turned off early and followed the two-lane highway that ran along the freeway.

Old car dealerships. Train stations. Little French restaurants. Scrap heaps. All this and more passed by me. I waited diligently at the light to turn left. I slowed over the crest of the hill with my old hometown laid out before me. I rode gravity down the hill, unconcerned for the usual traffic that made me slow. I dashed under the elevated train tracks.

I took my time around mom's local shopping center. Even around here, everything was brightly lit and perfectly set in place. But not a soul was around for any of it.

The residential roads were a roundabout way to get to mom's house. I pulled slowly into the drive. Her water-green car was nestled in the back of the driveway. For a moment, I entertained the possibility she was still around, that she'd been spared this vanishing.

I made my way up the front steps of the porch. The tree in the front looked as big as I remembered. Gossamer spider webs laced behind the bushes without any signs of spiders. Not a bird or sound broke the dense silence. I remembered the time I'd gone out to a wilderness preserve with my step-dad. The vastness of it overwhelmed me. There were no mountains or terrain to catch an echo. It just spread out with sublime, terrifying distance. I felt muffled. My own body seemed louder, as though to compensate.

In that moment, I felt just the same. I tested the door and it opened without a key. The tiled hallway was dimly lit but normal. She liked to keep the light low since her retirement. The front room had a dim, yellow glow of the lamp against the soft brown of the large, pleated drapes. What was once my old office when I was putting together my resume and trying to find regular work was just as stuffed with boxes and unfinished paperwork as I'd left it.

I worked my way around the house. With mom's car in the drive, it only made sense she would be around. In a normal, sensible world. I flicked on a couple lights to add a better feeling to the house. I noticed the dusty parts of the kitchen which mom could never reach to clean. I'd promised her a complete cleaning with my help as so many Christmas gifts that never came to be.

Her bed was as empty, though perfectly made. Same for my old bed. I smiled at the old posters of lovely ladies I gazed at and envied more than other boys. I probably still had some old outfits stashed away in a loose board in the ceiling where mom never thought to look.

For the moment, I sat down on my old bed and stretched my feet despite the fact they didn't feel achy from that long trip. With a sigh, I tried a smile.

I glanced around and my gaze froze as I looked out the straw-colored drapes around my window. In clear silhouette, I could see a human figure standing right in the middle. Unlike the other shadows, this one felt different. It had the texture of a human shape, not one distorted. Its head seemed to turn a few ways before it passed beyond the drape.

My heart raced and I thought for sure I heard shoes crushing dry grass. I ran back to the front door and bolted to where the figure had been standing. I peered into the grassy space between my mom's house and the neighbor's. I looked up and down the street and back into the area where my mom's car sat.

No sign of anyone. And, with the speed I'd pursued, I was certain I'd have heard or seen some sign of a person running away. I grit my teeth and yelled, "IS ANYONE THERE? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

My words died without an echo.

I made my way back into the house to use the restroom. I didn't want to stay here. After washing my hands, I gave a quick glance at my bedroom again.

My breath caught in my throat.

The shadow figure was back. It looked to be standing even closer to the window. Its form seemed to cover the entire drape. Against my better judgment, I approached the window, took a breath, and yanked it aside.

Nothing but a clear view of the tree. Letting go of the drape, I jerked back. The shadow was still on the drape, motionless. My skin tingled all over. Its shadowy hand rose from its side, as though reaching up. I thought I saw the material of the drape distend.

Hands flying, I clawed at the drape and screamed. I yanked it from the window and threw it to the floor. I stomped over and over and ran.

As I ran, the light through the window snuffed out. The room was the same as night. I burst through the hallway, but it felt like I was running through thick, oily water. I couldn't see anything. I just saw black traces of a wall. I followed them.

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They went on forever. Longer and longer. It had to be longer than the whole house itself. And then, I heard a sound. A long, stretched groan. It almost felt like a word or a name, almost human. but slowed down and so deep that I couldn't make sense of it. I didn't want to make sense of it. I wanted to run.

It felt like the carpet was being pulled out from under me over and over. I kept falling back and the shadows felt thicker and thicker. I yelled with muffled words. I resisted. I screamed, "NO!" with all my will. Something seemed to part. I was at the front door. I tore it open and the dull glow of the gray sky washed over me.

Panting, trembling, and coughing again, I staggered onto the bench on mom's porch. I glanced back. All the lights I'd left on were still on. I didn't look again. I got into the BMW and drove off.

Once clear of mom's house, I drove slowly. I took in the old areas of my hometown. I marveled at how, like everything else, it was perfectly preserved. After I'd made a few loops, I knew the only destination I had left was home. It would be more than another hundred miles to get there. A quick glance at the gas gauge told me, despite the trip meter nearly to two-hundred, the tank was still quite full. I had to shake my head and laugh.

If I trusted anything in this place, I would've stopped at the most expensive restaurant in town for what was sure to be freshly-prepared takeout. As it was, I just snacked on my bits of food then took the only freeway north.

The drive was leisurely. I was really in no hurry anymore. I sped up when in the shadowy cloak of the overpasses, but that was all. Soon, not even they were around to cause me to waver.

The open land, which had so beguiled my young senses, ambled along with me. Just shrubs and the loneliest of desert trees held vigil. I returned to the same songs on the radio in their perfect loops. For just a passing moment, I watched some of the far-off buttes and hills and wondered what it would be like if I just drove the car off the edge. Would a shadow catch and swallow it whole? Would that just be the end of all this?

I couldn't muster up the courage to test my curiosity, so I drove onward. I passed over a dry riverbed which snaked underneath the freeway.

When I made it to my city, it didn't take long to pass through, just four exits and all familiar to me on my daily trips. The fifth was automatic.

Two right turns followed by a curving road. It wasn't too far out but I found it quieter than I was used to. I turned up the radio to compensate as I pulled into my drive. My old car was parked further up in its usual place.

I took a long time getting out and shutting the door. I left behind my tote.

I gave my old car a reassuring pat on the side as I circled the house and eventually opened the front door. It was unlocked too.

I smiled at the quaintness of it all. It wasn't the sort of house I pictured in my old, idealistic dreams, but it was mine. I slipped off my shoes and set them under the coat rack. Moving into the living room, I found my favorite chair and settled into it. It was a lot more comfortable than the bench at McDonald's.

After a breather, I stood and looked around my home. I worried about what I would find, but I ventured on with a firm step. I felt ready.

My bed was neatly made and my workplace was densely packed with towers of all my research materials for articles and books. Turning back to the hallway, I flicked on the overhead light.

I tried not to flinch as a stark, black shadow clung to the white wall. It was a little shorter than my height. From the shape around the head, I could tell it had long hair and a feminine figure. I glared at it and barked the question, "What do you want?" It stood there. It seemed like its arms were crossed in front of it. Slowly, its arms opened to me like an offering.

I staggered back. The feeling from before, the feeling of sinking in water, returned to me. I wanted to run. I wanted to stay away. I could feel them closing in all around me.

More shadows surrounded the hallway with their arms seemingly outstretched. I had no idea what they wanted. I crouched with a stinging pain radiating from my chest to my arm. I felt weak.

They moved closer. I wanted to scream out but the female shadow in front of me crouched a little. She was looking at me. There was something familiar about her. I didn't want to run away. I crouched with her as their arms wrapped around me.

I expected to feel like they were burning or suffocating me but, as they seemed to touch me, it didn't hurt. It felt a little warm. It felt like an embrace.

My tension settled. I closed my eyes as the pain slowly ticked away. I expected nothing but darkness to swallow me, but there was that strange haze which seemed to envelop the entire world. The sun felt up there somewhere. Then, slowly, the haze cleared and my vision was filled with light.

I blinked my eyes open and looked up at the ceiling. It was still there. The hallway was so much brighter than I remembered it ever being. I could hear footsteps. I turned and saw my mother with her hands on her hips and a silly look on her face.

"Oh Beatrice, what are you doing on the floor?"

As I stood, I realized my body had changed. And yet it felt the same. It felt good.

I was clad in a brightly-colored dress. I darted over to the bathroom. It felt like a longer walk than before. The house felt bigger.

In the bathroom, I stared at the softly-painted face in the mirror. My eyes were a brilliant green. My hair shone like curly starlight. My face was smooth and on the verge of glowing. I was a woman. I was Beatrice.

I marveled at my body as the tears came and my mother walked into the bathroom and smiled at me.

I sought out my quiet voice to ask her, "Am…I dead?"

Mom raised her eyebrows and laughed. "Bea, you silly girl, why so morbid? You're fine. Oh! Look who came to say hello!"

Scampering around mom was Rufus. His reddish coat glistened. His tongue flashed about. He was so much more animated than when I knew him.

I crouched and petted Rufus. He nuzzled me vigorously. With tears in my eyes, I looked to mom and asked her, "Is this heaven?"

She smiled and told me, "This is your home."

I looked around and knew she was right. Everything was so perfect and I was only just looking at the bathroom. I scampered over to my writing room. There were all the books I'd always meant to get. My papers were perfectly categorized and organized. My usual chair looked so comfy and the air smelled richly of the perfect balance of old paper and new flowers.

Mom called after me, "Oh, Bea…you're not gonna write again, are you?"

I thought about it. Like an open dam, ideas were flowing past my thoughts, rich ideas that only passed me like intangible phantoms before. I gave a cheeky look to my mom as I said a shy, "Maybe…"

She gave me a look in return and shook her head. "Oh come on, girl. You have a perfectly-beautiful swimsuit calling to you from your closet. I say it's high time you live a little and we head to the beach. I know Rufus is absolutely giddy to stretch out and run along the sand."

I looked back at my lovely writing room. I had to admit that I couldn't resist the beach.

Mom added, "You can write to your heart's content later. But first, a lovely day at the beach."

The swimsuit was as beautiful as mom said and it fit me perfectly. I did blush about showing off my shape, but mom put her arms around me and told me I looked gorgeous.

With all the things we needed for the beach packed and ready, Rufus panted by my side and mom opened the front door.

I had to shield my eyes. The sky was clear. The sun was bright.

It was a perfect day.