At first I was like, really confused, and I still didn’t want to believe this weird thing talking to me was supposed to be a god or whatever, but ya know… It’s really hard to deny the facts when your whole body literally changes into a different creature. Kinda had to give up on that fight. Oh man was my new body was crazy beautiful, sleek, and graceful now though. I was totally loving it, although I’d never admit it out loud to that stupid voice/light/god/whatever though. The only thing that actually took getting used to before it stopped super bothering me was the constant dripping my hair was doing, but all in all it wasn’t so bad.

What was bad though was how my mind had changed. Sure, it was convenient how the god thing had set everything up for me. If I wanted to know something? Boom, I knew it. Didn’t even take any time. If I wanted to stop knowing something? Just as easy. Everything I could ever wish to know about the world of this beautiful story that I’d fallen in love with was right at my fingertips! And if I wanted to discover it all anew? Poof, gone. It made for a very nice little switch I had control over. What wasn’t nice? I was sure I was different on the inside. Sure, obviously I’d physically been changed, but it felt like some personality sliders had been tweaked inside my head or something when the stupid god-whatever had been rifling through it. No matter how much it had assured me that it wouldn’t dare to change anything about the thoughts in my head that it loved oh so much, or that it’d only removed inconsequential things from the past, I wasn’t buying it. I was sure it’d added some things it hadn’t told me about. I could feel the difference.

For one thing, I could feel myself going crazy. Not loopy to the point of gibberish but I felt like maybe the stupid deity had somehow infected me with itself. It would make sense if I was its ‘emissary’ like it had claimed before, but like… I didn’t freaking want it! I could tell something was wrong when I suddenly started to agree with some of the things it had said to me. The casual and careless things that had upset me so much when we’d talked the first time around really did seem to be correct. The more information of the world that was pumped into my head, the more that I believed that the God-dess (as I remembered it was supposed to be called) was actually fair in its assessment. I still couldn’t really believe that it had been fair in what had happened to my favorite character in particular, but I was biased and I had to accept that.

That’s another thing! I was biased! I was too biased.

In fact, when it came to anything that had to do with Noth, the character I cared for enough to throw everything away, I was absolutely nuts. I’d even figured out that the dumbass god had actually found a way to kill me so that it could bring me here, and I didn’t even really care because it meant that I’d get to be in the same world as him. I may have had a hefty bit of obsession in me before but like there’s no way in hell that I’d had this much hiding in there!

And so, much to my old self’s dismay, I started drowning in all my 20 million thoughts about Noth.

I’d learned a good deal of tricks, skills, and secrets from the god thing while it made me wait for my time to shine, and among those was the ability to just…watch. I watched over my dear, lovely Noth from above, seeing in detail every little thing that happened to him. I watched him learn to walk, I watched him play with his mother, I watched him be read to sleep, I watched him learn about the importance of the bracelet, I watched it all. Anything that happened to him, I saw it. This new body didn’t have a single apparent need to it either, so I didn’t have anything to distract me past the usual teachings of the God-dess.

But this brings up yet another problem. I’ve found myself muttering like that damn god. A few of the words that escaped my mouth sounded much too similar to what it’d said to me when we’d first met. I even caught myself calling Noth by the same silly pet names that I’d been called!

But… It’s true. It was all true.

I feel the same way that the god thing had felt towards me about Noth.

He was just so… interesting.

I couldn’t get enough of him, just every tiny piece of him was so compelling!

He was so lovable!

I couldn’t deny it, I ~loved~ him.

And yes, that’s right, its words were completely correct.

Noth was so… petite. So little.

So s-m-a-l-l.

Something that small needed me.

And so I waited until the God-dess set me loose. It felt like I had to wait forever, but watching over my boy made the time much more bearable. I had to watch the awful day that Noth was stigmatized, and then later also had to watch him see his mother get murdered, and… Yes, it was hard to sit still and let it happen, for sure, but…actually no it wasn’t. Already knowing exactly how things would go down due to the combination of my previous constant rereading of the story mixed with my all seeing powers dulled the pain of it by a good deal. Even if I felt awful for not being there, I was secretly very alright with it since this was a necessary step in my poor boy’s tragic backstory. It also meant I was getting even closer to finally being with him! But there was another much more important factor than any of that.

I was enjoying it.

I was enjoying watching Noth squirm and have awful injustices dumped down on him. I was enjoying watching him survive through it and seeing how he’d come out on the other end of it all.

I loved watching Noth struggle.

That damn God-dess MUST have infected me!

~~~

After watching my poor, pitiful, small boy wrestle with the dreadful lot in life he’d been given for a little over two years, the God-dess started whispering in my ear. My time would be coming soon. Closer. Closer. The time seemed to drag by when I knew that any day now I could finally be there. It was agony. I loved it. I hated it. I couldn’t wait. And when the day came? When the God-dess finally told me that today was the day? I don’t know how I didn’t just spontaneously combust or something. Their words preaching patience and the reassuring waves they threw at me helped. My mood definitely took a step down when I was told that I wasn’t allowed to do anything until Noth wished for it. But still, I waited, and I stared, and I drew closer, and closer. I couldn’t help but mumble to myself as I drifted nearer and nearer to him. I listened as hard as I could, even hearing his thoughts, ready to spring as soon as he gave the signal!

He missed his mother.

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He was needy!

He missed being loved.

He was lonely…

HE’S FINALLY DOING IT!!!

…And then I messed up a little.

It seems I’d accidentally said that last bit out loud. The child heard me and got scared. Damn. That’ll really slow things down, won’t it. My face felt a little hot as I watched Noth looking for me. If I’d had enough self control I could be with him already, dammit! And now he was just getting even more distressed than before. This isn’t what I wanted at all. I’m already failing, aren’t I? I was a sad little loser for a moment until I realized that I’d been wrong. Noth’s fear had somehow managed to boomerang around into hope, and that was actually making him redouble on his feelings from before! Yes! I felt like my eyes would pop out when he finally thought the phrase that would set me free.

He was wishing for company!

That could be me.

That WOULD be me!

He was wishing for it so hard.

I can finally go!

Oh wait, first impressions are important. Alright, let’s do it like I planned! Let’s give him the works. Lights? Check. Mood music? Check. Beautiful entrance? Mega check. I was looking positively stunning. I couldn’t help but eat up the crazy awed looks Noth was giving me. No, gotta keep a good look on my face. Calm down and smile. Can’t go wrong with smiles. Lovely smile? Check. No wait, he looked a little unsettled for a second there. Maybe I should say something. I’ll put a little bit of holiness in my words, let him know I’m not like, some sort of teleporting harpy or something.

AAAaaahhh!!! He’s so cute! It’s even more overwhelming when you see it right in front of your face! He’s a little smaller than a 9 year old should be since they’ve been almost starving him with that ‘food’. I love that he’s still so tiny, it’s really enhancing just how adorable he is~. I totally feel like I can forgive them a little for feeding him that slop, although the way his cheeks are a bit sunken is kind of overwriting that feeling. Oh and that beautiful black hair and those matching black eyes that he got from his mother! The way his hair has the subtlest amount of curl to it like it’s trying so hard and failing to be straight! The eyes look so deep and vacuous like they’ll suck me in, and yet somehow if the darkness could glow it would look juuust like that! Oh my god~. He’s gorgeous, thank you for passing on your colour scheme to him, dead mom! Oh, and for your sacrifice, too!

Maybe I can get away with touching him a bit? Ah, but he flinched. Too bad though my love, I’m gonna touch that cute little face of yours no matter what! Oh my god he’s so soooft! Little bit too emaciated though. We’re gonna have to fix that.

But then he asked me if I’m a ghost. What the hell. I’d tried so hard to give a super holy and grand first impression to the kid and he goes and calls me a freaking ghost. Ok no, he’s thinking about his mother, so this probably just means he’s thinking of me as a motherly figure. I need him on my side. This could be an in! Be nice, talk sweetly, show him some love, make sure he knows you’re not a ghost though, that’d only make things more difficult. Look! I’ve got wings and stuff! Touch em, they’re crazy real, I promise! Ah crap, ok I didn’t know my feathers came off that easily. Wait, he looks a little upset, uhhh… well hey, if the evidence is gone then nothing happened. I’ll just make the stupid feather go away!

OH GOSH HE’S SO CUTE! Look at the little face he just made! Do you like my parlour tricks? Go on, take all my feathers, I can keep doing that as many times as you like! No, if I say it like that he’ll get too shy. Be elegant. Be cool. Reassure him. Nope, you did it wrong, now he’s treating me like a stranger. Fuck. What do I do? He’s glancing this way, smile dammit and figure out how to fix this. Why does he look scared? Ugh! Think!

Oh hold on, looks like he’s introducing himself. Guess it all worked itself out. My little Noth. Noth Kieran, from back while he was still a child and hadn’t changed his last name to Kellen yet. It’s amazing. I’m really here. The God-dess really did it, she really put me in the book. I’m… Who am I? He asked me what my name is. I don’t have one.

He seemed utterly in shock that someone could just not have a name. He was even patting my arm, oh my god how sweet! When he offered to give me a new name I was over the freaking moon! Yes! Name me! I’m new and I’m Noth’s! I wonder if this is how pets who finally get adopted feel? Oooh he’s getting really into it too, look at him thinking about it so hard. I love that look on his face, I wish I could save it forever~. Oh my gosh, I can’t let him see me like this! It’s too much! Alright, let’s help him out a bit since it seems like he’s having a little bit of a hard time. Ahem. Elegant. Regal. Helpful.

Nailed it!

Aaaand just like always he subverts my expectations. Honestly I was thinking that he’d come up with an actual name he liked or something, maybe even an offshoot of his mother’s name. You know, instead of ‘Natalia’ I’d become ‘Natasha’ or whatever. But really. Really.

He decided on a species instead of a name.

‘Angel’.

This is like naming your dog ‘Dog’.

I’m kinda freaking worried. Is he…is… is my boy slow? Is he a little dumb? Okay, he’s just a kid sure but like…really? Just zero naming sense I guess, no shame in that, not everyone’s good at it. I said I wanted him to name me, I gotta sleep in the bed I made. Let’s just give him an out for when he realizes how dumb this is later. He can give me an actual damn name then.

He isn’t wrong though, is he? I suppose the God-dess did make me into an angel for whatever reason. Probably cuz of the whole ‘emissary’ thing it mentioned. Whatever, it doesn’t really matter what I am, let’s just enjoy my time with Noth. Pat pat pat~.

Ah damn, I know that look on his face. Don’t even have to read his mind to know what this one means. Go on, ask me whatever you need, you little cutie! Aaaah, the the faces he makes really are the best!

Of course his first question would be why I’m here. I’m here to help, obviously, but really I’m here to watch. I can’t just tell him that though. He thinks I’m some kind of ‘Angel of Mercy’ that the God-dess sent to save him. How dismayed would he be if he found out that they’d really set loose an angel with a different m word in its name on him? Oh yesss, I can’t wait to see the look on his face! But that’ll have to be for another time, when he needs me too much to throw me away. No no, it’d be better to keep up the elegant and holy image for as long as I can get away with it. Where was that light beam? Let’s get back to that previous show I was putting on. Look holy, holy… Look at you, you’re a merciful angel, at least for right now, and no one needs to know otherwise. Alright, perfect, and now for the speech!

Hit em with the holy words, hit em with the divinity, hit em with the righteousness, add in a flourish for style points! Make that God-dess upstairs proud! Okay, and now a little forehead kiss to seal the deal!

Oh, but he looks confused now. Maybe we make a little excuse here.

Did he buy it? Nope, didn’t buy it an inch, in fact I think that one might have backfired on me. Well damn. Now he’s even questioning if the God-dess even really sent me. So much for looking like an angel of mercy to the boy. This is all going in a weird direction just constantly isn’t it. Am I not even able to impress one needy little child? Fine then, let’s just stop trying to be good and just tell him the truth. Besides, why should I let that dumb god thing take all my freaking credit?! This is all up to me! Just because I’m told to do something doesn’t make all the achievements go to whoever ordered it! I don’t need Noth thanking the stupid deity that chose to screw him over just for its entertainment in the first place, I need him thanking me. He needs me. I’m the only one who can save him. NO ONE ELSE.

It felt like everything was twisting around me as I talked. It felt hot, and I started feeling…weird. My eyes are really itchy. Did something happen? Alright, maybe I need to stop for a second. I’m okay, right? Everything stopped being all twisty and hot-like, right? Right. Where’s Noth?

Oh man, I really just keep fucking this up, don’t I?