Novels2Search

Chapter 176

Evelyn attempted to smile at Gemma as she marched through the door. Evelyn hardly greeted her therapist before collapsing on the couch. She kicked off her shoes, grabbed a pillow, and screamed into it as loud as she could. Every pent up emotion she felt, every confusion, every fear, it all came out as a scream muffled by the pillow.

Once she finished, she clutched the pillow to her chest and ventured a look at Gemma. Her therapist’s eyes were positively sparkling.

“I’m sorry,” Evelyn said.

“Ah, ah, ah.” Gemma raised a finger at her. “What’s the first rule we have?”

Evelyn grumbled as she brought her legs up to her chest. “Never apologize for feeling emotions.”

“Thank you. Now, this looks like a fun bundle of emotions you’ve brought me! Shall we pick through it?”

“Yes, please. I have no idea what I’m feeling, and I’m so confused, and I don’t even know what to say, and I don’t know if this counts in therapy because it has… absolutely nothing to do with Rafael. Well, that’s not true. It… sorta? No, I don’t think—”

“Evelyn?” Gemma asked.

She took a deep breath. “Sorry.”

“Again, what’s the first rule?”

“I wasn’t feeling anything. I was rambling.”

“You were rambling because you felt something,” Gemma said.

Evelyn rubbed the side of her face. “Okay, okay. I just… god, I don’t even know where to start. I think… I think I… There’s a possibility I… I might…”

Gemma waited, smiling encouragingly. Evelyn sighed, clutching the pillow to her chest. “Is it possible for me to have a crush on a twenty-year-old?”

“Absolutely,” Gemma said with no hesitation. “Twenty is not that old.”

“But it’s weird, right? I like, practically grew up with him. Sorta. I was ten when I met him, which made him—” Evelyn frowned, then did the math on her fingers. “Fourteen? Fifteen when I first met him?”

“And how does he feel about you?” Gemma asked.

“God, he doesn’t know. Absolutely no idea. He’s got a girlfriend. Not interested in me at all.” Evelyn pressed her hands against the side of her face. “He’s only ever seen me as a friend.”

Gemma nodded, smiling. “You’re only sixteen. This knowledge only makes me admire him more.”

“I know. That somehow makes him more attractive, but it’s also disgusting at the same time,” Evelyn said.

“Disgusting?” Gemma tilted her head to one side. “How?”

“I should not have a crush on him. Absolutely not. I don’t even think what I’m feeling is a crush. I do not want to date him. He shouldn’t look at me that way at all. So why do I… feel this way?”

Gemma placed her notebook and pen on her desk before she got up, sitting down on the couch across from Evelyn before picking up her own throw pillow. “So, how do you know this boy?”

Evelyn sighed, hugging her pillow closer. “I just… Tyler, his name is Tyler, he… he’s actually the game master of our friend group. We… play a game. Choice, Chance, and Consequence.” Evelyn started explaining Tyler, trying not to feel weird that she was talking about him in therapy. She explained what had happened when the news came out about her and Rafael. How Tyler reacted.

“He’s just… so incredibly sweet. Not just sweet. He’s been one of the most supportive friends I’ve had while I’ve worked through this. Tyler listened to my concerns and placed boundaries between me and Rafael and made sure they’re enforced. He’s… god, he’s incredible. Such an incredible friend. He should only be a friend, right?”

Gemma raised an eyebrow, not hiding her smile. “I’m sure he feels that way right now, yes.”

“This is ridiculous. I’m… I’m only sixteen. I think I’m confusing a crush with… with feeling very safe in his presence. That’s all this is, right? I just feel incredibly safe and enjoy being around him.”

Gemma gave a slow nod, her smile turning into a frown. “Evelyn, if you remember one thing from therapy, I hope you remember this.” She lifted a hand, pointing at her. “Feeling safe is the absolute bare minimum you should feel in any relationship, familial or friend. Friend or boyfriend. Crush or love. Bare. Minimum.”

Evelyn sighed. “Yeah. Okay.” She glanced out the window, feeling how unsafe she felt Sunday when Walt stormed through Nick’s room. How unsafe Nick must have felt. Just thinking about her family made her throat close up. She should talk about them. Therapy would only help. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Instead she bowed her head and kept talking about Tyler. “Is my desire to feel safe somehow being misinterpreted into a crush?”

Gemma shrugged. “Let’s do a little experiment.” She kicked off her own shoes and cuddled with her throw pillow. This felt more like a sleepover than therapy. “It’s four years into the future. You’re twenty years old.”

“Oh, god,” Evelyn muttered, already knowing where this was going.

“He’s twenty-four.”

Evelyn covered her face, keeping the pillow against her chest.

“He asks you on a date. You say yes. You go mini-golfing or something. Catch a movie. Play a board game. Whatever it is, you’re there with him. You talk about anything; you laugh about everything.”

Evelyn’s heart was pounding in her chest, her gut aching.

“He takes you home. You both cannot stop talking. You feel as you’ve always felt. Safe. There, at the doorway, he leans in for a kiss. What do you do?”

The first tears fell. “Shit, I kiss him. I kiss him so hard.”

“Mmm.” Gemma gestured at all the certificates and awards on her wall. “After almost a decade of schooling as a therapist, I can conclude with certainty that what you’re feeling is indeed a crush.”

Evelyn dropped her hands, showing her tears. “Then why am I crying? Why am I scared? Why am I not happy?”

“Ah,” Gemma said, the smile flickering. “Because it’s four years in the future, and he has a girlfriend right now. You are at that age where four years is a long time, and so many things could change.”

Like an apocalypse.

“You don’t know if this experiment we had will ever come true, and it’s okay to mourn that. It seems like this Tyler is quite the amazing guy. Take heart knowing you’re able to pick out a good one. It honestly gives me a lot of hope for your future that you have a crush on such a sweet and safe boy. Perhaps in four years Tyler will be single again. Perhaps he won’t. The thing is, you know what you want. You recognize and desire the feeling of being safe in someone’s presence. Someone who respects you. Someone willing to do what he can to make sure everyone respects your boundaries. He seems like a regular knight in shining armor.”

This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

Evelyn’s shoulders slumped as her fingertips moved over the fabric of the pillow. “Yeah.”

“You’ve found one already, and you’re only sixteen. If he’s no longer available, take heart in knowing there are others out there.” Evelyn nodded, her throat tight. Gemma smiled. “But it feels like Tyler’s the only one, right?”

Evelyn nodded, looking at her fingers. “Yeah. It does.”

“That’s common.” Gemma leaned back, looking relaxed. “And unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do to speed time up. We’ll have to live with uncertainty for a while.” She glanced at Evelyn. “Since I get the feeling you don’t want Tyler to notice you in that way right now.”

“Absolutely not,” Evelyn said. “Ugh, I might lose a bit of respect for him if he sees me that way.”

Gemma smiled, nodding. “Good. There’s nothing wrong with how you feel about your friend, Evelyn.”

Evelyn wiped the tears from her eyes. “It’d be easier if I didn’t have it.”

Gemma snorted. “Crushes are rarely convenient.”

They talked some more. Evelyn caved and showed Gemma a picture of Tyler, which made Gemma nod. “What an absolutely adorable boy!”

It made Evelyn giggle. She was pretty sure Tyler would have a hard time accepting the words “adorable” or “boy” described about a picture of him.

They only talked briefly about Rafael, and that itself felt cathartic. In many of these sessions, she always came with a feeling of dread, and left feeling drained, but better. This time she came with dread, but felt almost light. She didn’t mind that they only talked a bit about Rafael. She didn’t need to. After bottling her feelings about Rafael for three years, she was certain she’d never get better. And yet she was. Better than she could imagine. Tyler helped. And she had to admit, Rafael helped too. He, too, was making sure Evelyn was safe by keeping his distance.

She had a bounce to her step when she walked out of therapy. Some of the bounce left when she saw Walt, smiling and waving in the car as he turned it on, the headlights coming to life. She remembered Gemma’s remark about feeling safe. A part of her was nervous about returning home, because she was never certain what would happen. Walt was still counting toilet paper, making calls. Being ridiculous. All while Nick’s black eye healed.

Evelyn tucked some hair behind her ear as Walt pulled up to the edge of the curb. She smiled and opened the passenger door, climbing in.

“Hey dad,” Evelyn said.

“Hey, Evie. I called them up and made sure your next session was on a Thursday. That way, you can drive here next week,” Walt said.

“Oh, uh. Thanks.”

“Pity we didn’t think of this sooner. Now we have to juggle two driver’s schedules.” Walt checked his watch. “Nick should be done with work now. He better be home.”

Evelyn closed her eyes, feeling the dread return. Which sucked, because the therapy session was so good today. She planned on doing another run and talk to Moonsparkle and Clarissa. She doubted she’d talk about Tyler with them, though. It was easier to talk about Tyler with Gemma, because she didn’t know him much. Her crush would remain hers only. Even if Grizzizzik had an inkling.

Evelyn tightened her seat belt before picking up her phone, checking her face in the reverse camera as Walt drove out of the parking lot. Her make-up didn’t smudge, which was good. She was about to place it down when it lit up with an incoming call. Her smile faltered, and horror gripped her heart when she saw it was Tyler. Her face flushed a deep red, and she closed her eyes. It was fine. He wouldn’t see her face. She took a breath, though, to make sure Walt wouldn’t get suspicious.

She swiped and placed the phone against her ear. “Hey!”

“Hey! Just wanted to call and check on Nick. Is he there?” Tyler asked.

She deflated. Right. Tyler had been calling almost every night since Grizzizzik attacked Nick to talk.

“Oh, um. I’m not home yet,” Evelyn said.

“Oh. Are you still at cheer? I know the final game is tomorrow, but they shouldn’t be working you this hard.”

“No, no. It’s, um, therapy. Just got out of a therapy session,” Evelyn said, glancing at Walt.

“Ah, good. Good. I hope it went well.”

“It did.” Her voice was pitched higher, swearing she would never reveal that Tyler was the main topic of her session tonight.

“Good. Excellent.”

Walt frowned. “Who’s that?”

“You know what? I’m just going to do it. I’ll call Nick’s phone. Your dad wouldn’t think it too weird to have a friend check up on him, right?”

“Um…” Evelyn started to say, glancing at Walt. Her father’s glare darkened.

“He got hurt, after all,” Tyler said.

“Evelyn, who is that?” Walt asked.

“It’s… Tyler. Tyler Clarke.”

“What was that?” Tyler asked.

Walt snapped his fingers at her. “Put him on speakerphone.”

“Dad, come on.”

“Evelyn?”

“He’s done talking with me, Dad.”

“Put that boy on speakerphone right now,” Walt said.

Evelyn’s stomach churned. Walt used the tone with Evelyn. The tone he only used on Nick. One that brought fear inside her. If she disobeyed, if she ended up as restricted as Nick…

Tears blurred her vision as she cleared her throat, willing herself to sound in control. “Tyler, just a sec. My dad wants you on speakerphone…” She brought the phone down, then tapped a few buttons.

“Oh, okay,” Tyler said.

She waited until he finished before pressing the button. “I already told dad there’s nothing more you wanted to say.”

“Right. Just… wanted to check up on everyone. I’ll see you Saturday, then.”

“What’s Saturday again?” Walt asked.

“CCNC.”

Walt was glaring at the road. “And that woman character? Is she going to show up?”

“It’s really what the story—”

“Will that woman character show up?” Walt asked.

There was the briefest pause that felt like an eternity. “No, sir. She won’t.”

“I want to know the moment she’s killed off. Understand?” Walt asked.

There was another pause. “Sorry, are you talking to me or Evelyn?”

“Both,” Walt said, spitting the word out.

Evelyn shook her head, her brows furrowed.

“I… will.”

“Sooner rather than later, yes?” Walt said.

“It’s really what the story de—”

“I want her gone sooner rather than later. I don’t like this woman character, and I’d hate to chaperone to all your sessions,” Walt said.

“Walt, I really don’t think that’s neces—”

“You are twenty years old, Tyler. Practically an adult. You come over every week to play a game with my daughter, who is very much underage, dictating to her about situations that she has little control over.”

“Dad!” Evelyn shouted, feeling sick to her stomach.

“I… no sir. That’s not at all… I have a girlfriend,” Tyler said.

“Girlfriend or not, you understand how this looks, don’t you?”

“I assure you, sir, I have never seen your daughter as anything other than a friend. What you are obviously accusing me of is disrespectful, even nauseating.”

The tears would not stop falling down her cheeks.

“Nothing will ever happen between me and Evelyn.”

That really should not have hurt as badly as it did. Obviously, Tyler meant about now. Now when she was sixteen. Next year when she’d be seventeen, then eighteen. Perhaps even nineteen. Now, when he clearly had a girlfriend he adored. It shouldn’t hurt. It shouldn’t. But her heart still cracked.

“I want you to understand, Tyler, that if Evelyn says you have done anything at all to make her uncomfortable, you will have my wrath to deal with,” Walt said.

The silence stretched again, and Evelyn was glaring at the road, too afraid to glare at her dad.

“Good night, Walt. I’ll see you on Saturday, Evelyn.”

Tyler hung up before Evelyn could do anything. She should have hung up sooner. She could have. All she needed to do was hit that little red button to end the call well before Walt spoke a word. Why hadn’t she done that? It was ridiculous that she didn’t feel brave enough to press a button. Yet she stood there as Walt accused Tyler of being a creep.

She was sniffling, tears coming down both in anger and embarrassment. “You bully Nick too much. Now you’re branching out to bullying Tyler?”

“I’m doing this for your own good,” Walt said.

“No, you’re not!” Evelyn kept her gaze out the window, refusing to face Walt. “He isn’t a threat!”

“You really believe that? After watching you play that game, after hearing the things he said? He’s a college aged boy, Evelyn, placed in a situation of power over you. You really think his thoughts are pure?” Walt asked.

“Yes!” Evelyn said. Maybe there was more to say, but honestly, what difference would it make? Walt would never listen. Evelyn glared out the window, her heart pounding in her chest, when she realized why she didn’t elaborate further. She was scared. Scared of what Walt might do, of how he might retaliate. Scared of bringing up how quickly Walt forgave Rafael, who actually hurt her. Terrified Walt might demand to attend one of their sessions again. So she kept quiet. She shied away from the fight.

Walt shook his head, glaring at the road. “Ah, Evie. There’s much about the world you don’t know.”

“And there’s a lot about the world you refuse to acknowledge,” Evelyn spat out.

Walt turned, a glare he reserved for Nick on his face. “What was that?”

Evelyn brought her legs up, pressing them against her chest as she rested her head on her knees. “Nothing.”

They were silent the rest of the way home. She really should have talked about Walt in therapy. Evelyn couldn’t wait until she could drive herself home next week. Then maybe her therapy sessions couldn’t be undercut by Walt so many times.