PART IV - A SURPRISING REQUEST
“I think that’s everyone, at least for now,” Lena said as the last two people in the queue departed. “I’m sure there will be a few more, such as people that were on-duty, and others might come back again.”
Vanis leaned back against the tree he had moved next too, eyes closed, lightly thumping his head against the bark a few times as he slowly slid to the ground. His face seemed a little ashen and drained of energy. “You have no idea how taxing that was.”
“I get it,” Callie said. She was sitting at the base of another tree, Pixyl also seated and leaning against her shoulder. “People can be exhausting, sometimes.” She remembered when her father had died and the expectation to stay neutral and social to all the people that came to the visitation and funeral. All she had really wanted to do was to crawl somewhere dark and quiet where she could be alone for a while. Her mother had been the same way, and the next day they each retreated to their own spaces until the evening, just to be away from the world, and each other.
“It’s not that I don’t appreciate the sentiments,” Vanis continued, as if needing to explain. “They mean well, but it’s simply that all of that was so that they feel better. It doesn’t really help me feel better. And now it’s almost as if I’m carrying more than my own grief.” Then, as if realizing he was sounding ungrateful, he reiterated his words. “Truly, I do appreciate the sentiments though.”
“I don’t know what I can do to be useful,” Lena said, her voice low. “I want to help if I can, but this is …” You could see the sincerity in her eyes, but also the confusion of helplessness. “I need you to tell me what you need, and I’ll make it happen.”
“I know,” Vanis said. He looked at his three housemates. “Just being here, as my friends, means more than any words I might hear from someone else right now. Truly, thank you.” He sighed, stood straight and cracked his back, his face making a gratifying wince as the tension released just a bit. “I think for now, I need some time to myself.”
“A walk in the woods, maybe?” Callie suggested.
Vanis considered that for a moment, but then had the worry that people might find him and want to talk all over again. He needed to be away from everyone. “I think I may just go back to our bunkhouse for a bit. I can lie down and get some solitude. Perhaps until an hour before the bell, and then we can rejoin each other and clean up for dinner?”
There were nods in agreement all around. “Whatever you need,” Callie said.
“Thank you.”
“There’s going to be a bonfire tonight,” Callie added, looking over to an area being set up to handle the greater number of people. Usually, very few of the staff, soldiers or trainers joined the recruits for the evening socials. For the days of Midsummer, though, it was being encouraged that everyone mingle, so additional space was being made. “I think given today, though, it will be kept low-key. Maybe that might be nice?”
Vanis made a considering face, tilting his head from side to side. “If it's not raucous and I’m not inundated with well-wishers again, I believe that would be. I feel like I wish to be around people, but I just don’t want to interact with them. It’s an odd feeling.” He made a considering face. “Perhaps I’ll play something appropriate, to help set a mood. At least it might be a good distraction.”
“Those Gnome singers are here, too.”
“All the better,” Vanis said with a smile. “Bards have an amazing talent for setting the perfect atmosphere. If they are as skilled as promised, the entertainment over the holiday will be quite memorable. Perhaps I’ll ask that they help keep the mood appropriate this evening if I’m unable to.”
“Come on,” Lena said, gesturing with her head. “I’ll walk with you and scare off anyone that might want to talk, then we’ll give you some space for a while.”
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As they reached Ogre House, Lena frowned, started to say something and then stopped. Swallowing, she tried again. “So, I have a question for you.”
“Oh?”
The Bladedancer struggled to find her words, and Vanis stopped before walking up the steps to give her a moment to get them in order. “I know this isn't the best time to ask. I was going to talk to you this evening, but I didn’t know this was coming today. I suspect there might not really be a good moment.”
“Go on,” Vanis replied slowly, a look of wariness on his face.
Lena scratched the back of her head, accidentally knocking her beret off. She tried to catch the hat as it fell, juggling and fumbling it in the air several times before she got it under control. Sheepishly, she put it back on and pulled it down tight, covering her bald head. “I don’t really know what’s up between you and Juniper. You’ve never talked about it, so I don’t want to presume. But … would you … er … be interested in being my companion for the holiday?” She could feel her face glowing red, her expression trying to act innocent.
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Vanis boggled for about three seconds, simply dumbstruck. He tried to stammer an immediate reply, any kind of a reply really, his brain locked in place. Lena had never shown any interest in him, at least as far as he could tell. They were … friends he supposed. It had never really crossed his mind either, between things with Juniper, and Lena being with Dregorio. His immediate thought was that it had the potential to get awkward since they were in the same cabin, especially with Callie and Pixyl already hanging socks. Best to use a polite rejection.
Vanis cleared his throat. “Lena, you honor me with your …”
“Oh do shut up! I don’t need any kind of a hoity-toity rejection speech like you use on all the pretty noble girls. If you’re not interested, that’s fine. Just tell me and I’ll go try to find someone else.”
“What about Dregorio? I had just assumed you’d be with him for the holiday.”
Lena frowned, and then grumbled a bit. “It hasn’t been going well. I think he’s afraid of me now.”
“Your head?”
“Not exactly. I mean, it’s not me specifically, might be a better way to put it.” Lena’s shoulders slumped even further and she sighed. “He wakes up in the middle of the night with nightmares about having firelice. One of his housemates mentioned it to me. There’s no firelice where he comes from, and he had no idea they even existed. He’s covered in fur, so I can understand why the idea is terrifying for him, after seeing what happened to all my hair. This means that ‘us’ has become strained for him, which means it has for me, too. A few of the other ladies have been eyeing him up, anyway, so maybe it would be for the best. Besides, deep down he likes romancing people, grand gestures, and even spouting bad poetry. That’s just not me. I give you odds he’ll even give flowers to whichever one he ends up with.” She looked up and caught the Warlock’s eyes. “Callie mentioned you and Juniper can’t … because of your magic or something. I just thought …”
“Ahh. Callie. Of course.”
“She didn’t put me up to this, if that’s what you’re wondering.” Lena quickly said defensively.
“Really? This seems exactly like a Callie thing.”
“No, this one is all me, Vanis,” Lena chuckled, but her face got distant and a little serious. “I mean, we’re going to war, and I’m a Guardian. This could be my last Midsummer and it seems wrong to spend it alone.” Lena sighed, turning to look toward the garden where several recruits were gathered and being boisterous. “I’m sure I could find someone, but, look at them, almost all of them are just kids. You’re one of the few here mature enough to not get all doe-eyed at me with feelings.” She made a shuddering shiver.
“Lena, I …”
The Bladedancer waved her hand, stopping Vanis’s reply. Her face was getting even more red now, and she caught his eyes for the briefest of moments. This conversation had gone on far too long and Lena felt she just needed to get away. She pointed to the door of the cabin. “You know what? Never mind. I’ll be fine; I’ll find a solution. You just go rest.” She turned, trying to find an exit from the awkward, but then stopped. “I mean what I said earlier. Let me know if you need anything, now that the proclamation is out, okay?” It was a solid attempt to change the subject away from the other one.
Vanis watched Lena quickly walk off, putting her hands to her face and mumbling to herself, as if unable to believe what she’d just done. Frankly, Vanis was still having an equally difficult time believing she’d even asked in the first place. Not because of his … whatever it was with Juniper, but simply because he didn’t think she liked him much. Friendly, sure, but enough to be a non-anonymous Midsummer companion? They came from completely different lives, and Lena largely resented the nobility and those with means. That said, Vanis realized that in the end, he hadn’t actually managed to say no, and he now was trying to understand if that might mean something.
Pushing the awkward thought of Lena’s Midsummer request aside for the moment, Vanis entered the cabin, closing the inset door behind him. He took a deep, cleansing breath of relief at being out of sight, the influx of air making the tips of his fingers and toes tingle slightly. At least he had some kind of feeling, even if a big part of himself was simply feeling numb.
Mechanically, Vanis removed the sash, laying it on the bed, and then his shoulder armor, which was hung on its stand. He once again marveled at the quality of the sash. It was a simple thing, just some black cloth, but replete with the Brownies’ perfection, even before considering the beadwork. Taking the symbols into account just made it moreso. He shook his head to refocus, hung the rest of his armor, and slid his boots under his bed, before briefly ducking into the Little Prince’s room. It had been a long afternoon without a break.
For a while now there’d been a sense of buzzing in Vanis’s head, as emotions were constantly pushed away. The week had largely been filled with a constant impending dread, though, knowing that the official word would be coming soon. It was agony, in a way, to have to pretend he didn’t know what was coming, and infuriating to know that there was a secret truth behind what would be the concocted lie. Thus, Vanis had simply focused on putting on a face that said nothing was wrong, and that had been simply exhausting.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, Vanis took another deep breath, appreciating the tingle again as his mind drifted back to when things started today, reviewing the memories of what occurred. He’d been in mid-casting hours earlier when the Sergeant-Major had called all to heed-to for the royal proclamation, and the spell caused a bit of a backlash and headache as it was cut off so abruptly. As Fynisse and Duni ran to join the others, Vanis instead walked towards the top of the hill, only half listening as Natala called out her first recitation of the news. He’d paused for just a moment to hear the last of the words, before quickly disappearing out of sight before anyone could find him. He thought back to the chittering little Brownies worried that they had done everything just right, and Fullo fussing with the sash to make sure it was worn perfectly. Finally, he put his hand absently to his cheek, where Fullo had kissed it, realizing it really did take away some of his pain, at least for a moment. Or maybe, it added a little strength to muddle forward instead.
Now, alone and relieved of the need to pretend for the first time since Captain Huvaen had delivered the cipher, all the pent up emotions seemed to drop on him at once, and Vanis allowed himself to truly feel.