-I-

I sprung up from the couch when Dominic entered the house. Luuk wasn't with him. Half of me was relieved. It was too embarrassing to imagine Luuk had read the letter I gave him. It was such a corny letter. I just wanted to die from embarrassment. Why did I write it?

Dominic offered a cigar to Kurosaki-san. It wasn't related to the cigar, but suddenly, I remembered Luuk's present. Should I wrap it up?

"Kurosaki-san, chotto heya ni imasu." [I will be in my room for a while.]

"Mochiron. Yūhan'ga dekitara den'washimasu." [Sure. I'll call you when the supper is ready.]

I nodded and entered my room. I hugged the pillow, burying my face into it, inhaling the bergamot. Luuk's scent was all over the bedsheet. It was as if it was flowing through my soul. It calmed me. I wanted to live like this forever, smelling him the first thing in the morning.

Jeez. You're being creepy.

Taking a deep breath, I sat down. It took a few seconds for me to do it, but I pulled the chest drawer on my right. The testosterone my father prescribed rolled to the back of the drawer. I took out the round cylinder and stared at the clear liquid.

It had been three months since I last took my shot. 

When I was ten, my father told me it was magic water that could bring Jona back. He said God would forgive me if I repent and be responsible for killing Jona. He told me he wouldn't need to beat me anymore. He believed a person pays for his sins by suffering from pain. But I had never been afraid of being hit. Even as a child, I knew it would be a win-win situation. I was the reason Jona died, and I was the only one who could give his life back. And in return, I could have my brother again. The person I looked in the mirror every day.

Now, I wasn't so sure. Now, this liquid didn't look like water anymore. It looked like acid. Would it burn my veins if I injected it into my body? Would I crumble and die?

"Docinho?" [Honey?]

The container fell on my lap and onto the floor, rolling under the bed. I looked up, startled to see Luuk beside me.

"Sim?" [Yes?] I decided to ignore the bottle for the moment. "Desculpa, não te ouvi chegar." [Sorry, I didn't hear you coming.]

He kneeled in front of me and reached under the bed.

"No. Don't take it. I-"

"Here." He opened his fist and looked me straight in the eye.

For some reason, I felt guilty for having testosterone in my possession. But I would need to inject it sooner or later. Though having that thought wasn't as welcoming as it had been.

Luuk sat next to me. "What happened in the hospital, sweetheart? Have you made your decision?"

"Nothing happened." I looked down. "No, I don't know what to think or what to do."

"Junko." He folded a leg on the bed and touched my neck. "Junko."

"O quê?" [What?]

He shifted closer and kissed me, long and deep. There was a certain taste on his lips, and it tasted so good, I didn't want him to stop. I licked my lower lip. Soaked leather. Bitter and sweet.

"Did you just smoke?"

He licked his lips. "It tastes good? I just had a few drags of cigar with D." He took out the thick cigar from his chest pocket. As he rolled it between his fingers, he said, "I told you my dad smokes like Churchill. It's almost impossible for me not to do the same."

The image of him smoking cigars with such a pretty face made me laugh.

"What?" He scrutinized me as he put it back in his pocket.

"Nothing."

"You just think I look too effeminate to smoke a cigar."

"Effeminate," I said to myself, and I remembered his Christmas present. "Luuk, tenho uma coisa para ti." [I have something for you.]

His face crinkled a bit; a hint of curiosity in his eyes.

I reached inside the drawer and took out my mother's gold kanzashi.

"Isso é o que eu penso que é?" [Is that what I think it is?] he asked.

"If you think this is a hairpin, then yes. It was my mother's. She left everything in Japan when she got married. This is the only possession she brought with her to America." The dangling jade and rubies were cold against the back of my hand. "She gave it to me when I turned eighteen, a few weeks before she passed away. I kept it here in Kurosaki-san's house because I could never use it. I never had long hair." I put it in his palm.

"I'm not going to accept something this valuable." He pushed it back to me.

"That's why I'm giving it to you. Take it. I don't have a million dollars to buy something as expensive as the watch. But the hairpin is precious to me. I want you to have it." I gripped his palm. "It'll look pretty with your blond hair."

"Sweetie—"

I took the hairpin and kneeled on the bed. "Tie your hair into a bun. A tight one. Come on, don't frown. Let me try it on you."

"Junko."

I took his hand and kissed his knuckles. "Please. Humor me."

It took him a while, but he clicked his tongue and tied his hair.

I straddled his lap and put my elbows on his shoulders. "Have I ever told you that you have beautiful hair?" I leaned over his head. "This might hurt a bit." I twisted and wriggled the kanzashi to make sure it was tightly pinned in his bun, the way my mother taught me. "There. Let me see." A grin stretched out from my mouth. The jade on the kanzashi complemented his blue eyes. So pretty. "It suits you. You have more... Japanese on you now. The kanzashi... me." I kissed his cheek.

"Are you seducing me?" He kneaded my hips.

Shivers burst from the place he touched. "No. Why would I suddenly do that?" I laughed and hugged him. "I just... I love you, Luuk." My fingers traced the bird's head on the kanzashi. "Ah, é bonito." [It's pretty.]

You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

"I'll return it to you when your hair is longer."

I straightened my back and looked at him. I didn't know what it was in his eyes, and I didn't know what he really meant by that. But what he said caught my attention. "You... want me to grow my hair?"

"Junko."

"Yes?"

He pulled me into his arms. "I read your letter."

I squirmed in his arms. "I... It's sappy, right? Oh, God. I'm so embarrassed."

"I'm so tempted to kill that scumbag." His jaw hardened against my cheek. "He had done nothing but exploit you."

Rubbing his back to calm him made me calm too. "I won't lie to you. I did pray several times for him to die. When he had his bypass surgery a few years ago, I actually went to church to pray for the surgery to fail."

"If you want it, I can wipe him off the map for good. You said I'm your angel. That's what angels do. They're God's army. And I'm sure God sent me here to send the satan back to hell." He looked behind me. "He's just over the street."

I shook my head and stood in front of him. "I'll never... never ask that of you. I don't like having the idea of having him killed. He is still my father. And it's unlawful."

He stood too. "I don't need laws to deal with him." When he turned to look at me, his expression looked like Alex. Like the one time Alex glared at me as if he wanted to kill me.

"What the hell... No, stop it! You're scaring me. I meant everything I said in there. But I never said anything about killing my father."

"Then tell me what I should do! I'm not a psychological profiler. I can't read you for fuck's sake. This is ludicrous. Junko, you died. He practically killed you. Be selfish for once, and tell me what you want, dammit!"

His words were harsh, but rather than hurting me, it was encouraging. I rested my forehead on his shoulder. "I told you. I want to just go with your flow. I know there is no legal way of handling this. Even if I want to take legal action against him for everything he ever did to me, all of the offenses have passed their statute of limitations a long time ago. But killing him is not the answer." I sighed deeply. "I swear I'm a coward."

"Your father holds sway over you all these years. You're not a coward. You have been inured to submission."

I wrapped my hand around his chest. "Maybe you're right. And I'd rather have you dictating how I should live my life than continuing to live as my father's puppet."

Luuk glared at me. "You are your own person. Be careful what you asked for. You're jumping out of the pan and into the fire."

"I know you're an opportunist... you take advantage. That's why you'll help me." I smiled, and a reluctant, sad smile formed on his lips. "When I get confidence, let's meet my father. We'll deal with him accordingly. Just... stop talking about killing him."

He must've thought I was pathetic. Even I knew I was pathetic. But when I thought of standing up for myself, I felt nauseous. Vertigo squeezed my head. It felt as if I was standing on the edge of a mountain; I would fall if I moved even a muscle. I needed a rope to hold me in place, a rope to bind me to the ground. And that rope was Luuk.

He looked over my shoulder toward my bed. Then he said, "I'll build a new world for you, and I will make sure you live in it the way you've never lived before, princess."

It was the second time he called me a princess. I didn't even look like a woman. When my goosebumps ebbed, I nodded. I was relieved beyond word. The burden I kept in my chest subsided as I admitted for the first time in my heart that I wasn't Jona. The uncertainty I had been dealing with for eighteen years was nowhere to be found.

"You're really good at saying embarrassing stuff without it sounding sappy, you know," I said.

"I guess it's the perks of being a linguist."

I rested my forehead against his. "Luuk. Promise me you will get me out of this slum."

"I will. I'll show you the way out of this hell you've been living in. Away from him. You should live for who you are, not for someone who told a six-year-old kid that she was a murderer."

He had been giving me too much since we got together. He was slowly changing my life. He would hate it if he knew I had the idea of indebtedness toward him, but I was so grateful to have him in my life, nothing I do would ever pay for the love he gave me.

-II-

I woke up at 4.30 a.m. this morning. I actually hadn't slept at all last night. I was staring at Luuk's back the whole night, illuminating his back with my phone. He had a great tattoo artist. They managed to cover all thirty-two scars on his back with red and black dragon scales. None was noticeable until I touched them. I just realized there were actually two dragons coiling around one another, and five blue birds were trying to escape the dragons' red mouths along his shoulder blade. There were mountains and a waterfall on the backdrop. It was like a painting on a canvas. It must've hurt to get a tattoo this big. I almost cried when Aaron tattooed my name on my neck six years ago.

After trying to sleep and failed to do so, I decided to do some cardio by doing kickboxing. I was side-kicking when Luuk entered Kurosaki-san's dojo.

"You didn't sleep last night?" He rubbed the sweat on my under-eye.

"Too much was in my mind." I sat on the floor and stretched out my legs.

"You shouldn't kick with that much force. How's your leg?" He kneeled behind me and put some pressure on my shoulder blades.

I moaned as my neck made a cracking sound when Luuk kneaded it. "I'm good. I don't need painkillers as much nowadays. Though I still don't have that much strength in my legs. I used to run five miles every morning. I could barely do it without my leg hurting now. It sucks."

"Slowly. You'll get there, Junko." He helped me stand. "Kurosaki said you want to continue Jiu-Jitsu."

"I do. I want to, at least. But I haven't trained for almost a year."

"You can train with us."

"Us?"

"Yes, in Smit Academy. We do technical exams 'cause we train bodyguards, so it's a bit cumbersome to get promoted in our school, but I can help you train for it." He smiled.

"You can?" I didn't know why it took me a second to remember that Luuk was a brown belt holder.

"I will... if you ask for my help."

"But the Academy is in San Francisco."

He looked at me with a certain look in his eyes, the kind of look that wanted to suggest something. But he smiled and said, "We can train in your gym before the exam."

It would be an understatement if I said I wasn't elated by that idea. It must've shown in my face because Luuk said I was cute, and that we could start right away. Then he leaned forward and breathed into my ear. "And the idea of putting you in a submission hold is... oddly welcoming."

"Why... Why would I be under you and not the other way around?"

"Because that's how you train grappling. Now lie down. Let me mount you."

I swore my face must be redder than my shirt. He didn't have to make it sound so dirty.

"You have escaped from a side mount before, I believe?" He tied his hair.

"More than I can count."

"Great. I haven't warmed up yet, so it should be easy to escape me." He kneeled on my side and mounted me, holding me in place around my chest. "Tell me if your leg hurts," he said into my ear. "Now push me away."

Jiu-Jitsu grappling technique is full of whole body submission movement, which would require a full-body contact with the opponent, but it had never been sexual in any way for me. Practicing with Luuk wasn't the best idea after all. It was hard to focus with how sweet he smelled.

Oh, come on. You're not this pathetic.

I took a deep breath and started pushing him away. But he was too strong for me. Or maybe I was too weak for him. But he was a great partner, a great teacher. He as an athlete was very different from him as a pompous linguist. He motivated me, he shared his skills with me, yet he didn't take it easy. It took me ten minutes and all of my energy to escape his domination. He was lean, he wasn't by all mean a big guy, but his palms were twice the size of mine, so he easily had the upper hand. After I managed to pull away, I could barely feel my arms anymore.

I lay on the floor, catching my breath.

"Let's stop here and take a shower." He rubbed his sweaty face with his shirt. "I'm starving."

We headed toward the dojo's door when he pulled me into his arm. "On second thought, let's fuck first. We're already this sweaty." I heard the door lock behind him. "Sorry, but all those grappling with you earlier turned me on," he added in a whisper, in a very seductive voice. "It doesn't hurt anymore, right, princess? Down there? It has been three days."

"Luuk. No." I looked away when heat traveled up my neck. Yes, it hurt so much the first time, but not because he was bad at it. He's simply... a Dutchman.

"No for hurting or no, not here?" His hands kneaded my ass cheeks.

My breathing became palpable. "Both."

He grinned. He clearly ignored me when he pulled my shirt over my head and threw it somewhere behind me. And like the shirt, I threw away my half-assed struggle when his lips caught mine. Having sex with Luuk in the dojo I grew up in suddenly sounded like the best idea of the century. So for the second time this morning, and the second time in my life, I was under him as we made love.