-I-

I knocked on Alex's office door and invited myself in. "You didn't wait for me this morning."

Alex beckoned me over. "Yes, sorry about that. I needed to entertain the delegations from Mexico. Now that you're finally coming back, we're gonna proceed with adding the Spanish course into the training module. I'm sure you can manage that." He checked his watch. "Just need to wait for Mom and Dad, and the meeting can start."

After resigning from my position as the Chief Operating Officer four years ago, the only time I stepped foot into the security firm was for the annual family shareholder's meeting like today. Dominic had been filling in as the COO ever since. He was so good at his job, I didn't even care feeling guilty for leaving the company.

Alex dog-eared the paper in front of him. "Have you talked to da Graça about moving here?"

I fiddled with the end of my blue necktie; a stain of coffee marred the edge of it. Now that I was coming back, I would need to move to LA. I had bought a house in the same neighborhood as the Smit's Mansion before I knew I had to go to Brazil. Shit hit the fan and I never had the chance to move in.

"Not yet." I checked my phone. No texts from Jona. "I've a feeling that he wouldn't want to move in with me."

"It's high chance that he wouldn't want to leave his current life for a guy he just met. He has his own business there." Alex rubbed his neck. "You'll need to move whether or not he's coming with you. Guy's an adult. He knows what's good for him. And I need you here."

Alex could be the most heartless understanding person when he wanted to. I always had a hard time distinguishing them—heartless or understanding. But what he said was as plain as a pikestaff. The idea of moving in together after merely three months was a big leap even to me. But the fact that Jona was living with Chaves irked me to no end. The guy loved my Jona and they had had sex with each other. But I had never said anything against it. I was hoping Jona could realize how stupid it was for them to live together. Yet he didn't—or he pretended to be apathetic about it.

My mind was unsettled. Jona didn't inform me anything since yesterday. He didn't even let me know if and when he had arrived in Lisbon. He might be in Japan for all I know. After more than twenty-four hours of unresponsiveness, I was tempted to ask Dom to look into it, to look for him, but decided against it. This relationship had been moving so fast, it could effortlessly collide with the thick bubble Jona had around him and shatter it to a smoldering wreck—balls to the wall collision.

"Alexander, Luuk." Dom rapped at the door. His shiny bald dome peeked into the office. "Let's go. The meeting is starting."

And so the meeting lasted for four excruciating hours.

I was glad that our family didn't have any extended family as the shareholders. The meeting room was hectic enough with the seven of us, with a lot of palavers entailed.

I had entered today's meeting as the nincompoop who resigned from the COO position just to hurt his older brother and exited the room as the subsidiary president of the new branch. And I had exactly one month before the opening of the branch and to resign from Stanford... and to meditate on my relationship with Jona.

-II-

I entered the kitchen to Juliana feeding Karma on the veranda.

"Morning, pregnant ladies."

"Bonjour." [Morning.] Juliana smiled.

Karma trotted toward me with a small bark. She nudged my neck and whined. She acted like she was a fluffy, mini dog at times. She was as tall as my chest, this beast. If there was a thing I loved about her, it was the fact that she didn't bark like a rabid mutt and give me a drool face-wash in the morning.

"Well, well, dog. You're in a surprisingly good mood." I rubbed her neck. "Elle mange bien aujourd’hui?" [She eats well today?]

"Oui, elle vient de finir son petit déjeuner. Elle est tellement adorable. Elle ne voulait pas quitter mon côté hier soir." [Yes, she just finishes her breakfast. She's such a sweetheart. She wouldn't leave my side last night.]

"I know she would enjoy your company."

"You seem to know things about handling dogs. You used to have dogs?"

Dogs were not my bailiwick, but when Karma drank Cerenia from my hand without any suspicions yesterday, I learned that I had a latent aptitude for soliciting beasts into following my commands.

"Worse. I have students." I glanced at Juliana's stomach while she was sealing the dog's food, laughing. "I'm no woman to judge, but you sure have a small bump for someone carrying the child of my giant brother. Good for you. I couldn't imagine how Mom carried him for nine months."

"My mother says the small bump was a thing with her too. Petite women thing." She washed her hands. "Tu veux quelque chose pour le petit déjeuner? Espresso?" [You want anything for breakfast? Espresso?]

"Ne t’en fais pas. Je le ferai moi-même." [Don't worry about it. I'll do it myself] I took the kettle from her. "You should stop doing housework now that you're expecting. This house is too big for you to clean it alone. I know that Milada doesn't help you." I sighed, pouring the espresso into the cup Juliana passed me.

"It's fine. We have helpers who come and clean every week." Her lips were still gaping as if she wanted to add something else.

"Quoi?" [What?] I asked.

"I was expecting Jona to come home with you yesterday." She sat next to me. "He told me he would celebrate Christmas here because you kept on persuading him to do so."

He did?

"He's in Lisbon. He'll celebrate it with his family."

"Ah, yes." She sipped her tea. After several seconds of habitable silence, she added, "I was so shocked when you introduced him, actually. You know, you always have issues when it comes to... well... liking someone." Her cheeks turned pale rubicund. I knew she meant her. "I know you've never been in a relationship with a woman, but I'd never imagined that you'd be homosexual."

"I'm not."

She looked up from her tea.

I had never actually ruminated over something as superficial as my sexuality, about what it meant for someone with religious beliefs like me. Jona had always convinced me that he wasn't gay, and I actually believed that, because let's face it, I never wanted to be one. Heck, I didn't even want to be heterosexual. I hated men. I hated women. But somehow, in my brain, he didn't belong in both genders. Sometimes I think my students were right. I might be an alien from the neighboring galaxy. Maybe Jona was an alien like me too, and someday we could live an alien life away from the human race.

"So your sexuality is Jona?" She winked.

I spurted my espresso; the liquid slithered between my fingers. "Oh, Goodness Gracious. You're not a teenager anymore. That's gross."

She passed me the napkin, laughing. "Are you saying I'm old? You're as old as me!"

"Did I hear this right?" Milada entered the kitchen. She circled the table with an opened mouth.

"What?" Juliana and I said.

"You guys are laughing together? In the same room... with each other?" She sat next to me, scrutinizing me with her mascara-laden eyes.

"Can't you see there's a crowd of humans in here?" I looked around the kitchen area. "Jesus, Milada. I think you're kicking the bucket soon."

"Not funny. I'm just glad to see you guys have become buddies." She hugged my arm, grinning.

"You wear too much makeup today. And your cloth is too revealing. Jesus." I pulled her dress's straps up to cover her cleavage.

She slapped my hands. "Let go! Mom asked me to put this on. This is the new spring collection." She clicked her tongue.

My mother. What should I do about her? She was a swimsuit supermodel fifty years ago. Seeing your mother's topless pictures is not exactly on the top of the things-you-should-do-before-you-drop-dead list. And my sister was succumbing to the same path. The very innocent sister I raised with my own two hands. Jesus Christ.

"Oh, I called Jona earlier this morning." She buttered her toast.

I pulled her hand away from her mouth. "You called him as in talked to him?"

She closed her eyes. "Luuk, can't you see I'm all dressed up for the photography session?" She snatched the tissue on the table and rubbed the butter on her blonde extension.

"He answered your calls?" I gripped her wrist.

"Ow! That hurts. Let go. Jeez. Of course he did. Why wouldn't he? We're friends." She stared at me. "Wait... why? You guys got into a fight and he didn't answer your calls?" There was a few seconds pause as she nibbled her toast. "No wonder he sounded down. Brother, I think he's sick. His voice was awful."

I dashed out of the kitchen.

"Où vas-tu?" [Where are you going?] Juliana asked.

"J’ai un coup de fil à passer." [I have a phone call to make.]

At the moment, the only thing running in my mind was Jona telling me that he was having a medical appointment with his father. Unpleasant thoughts arose one by one, one dreadful thought supplanted by the other in a chain-like reaction. I glanced at my watch when I called him, again and again. It was nine. It should be the evening there at the moment.

What the fuck is he doing?

"What?" Jona answered after the fifth call. "You've been calling me nonstop." His voice was hoarse.

"What's wrong with your voice?" I stopped pacing the living room.

He snorted. "Ha? Que tem a minha voz?" [What's wrong with my voice?]

"Jona. Estás bêbado?" [Are you drunk?]

"Not as drunk as I wanted." He laughed. "But... but that woman was drunk."

I could feel the muscles in my jaw transformed into stones. "What woman?"

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"Obrigado!" His voice was muffled as he thanked someone (What the hell is he doing?). "Ah. That woman in the bar. Leonor. The funny thing is, you know, she tried to get into my pants, well, because I'm obviously a man." He laughed from the baloney he was spewing. "And... And she showed me her nipple."

My face heated up so fast, my brain felt like exploding from the sudden pressure fluctuation.

"It was so pink, it looked like pigskin." He dissolved into laughter, one that had zero humor in it for me.

Should I go to Portugal? My heart was pounding from the idea alone. Since I was kidnapped, Europe had been my bane; never once did I set foot in Europe. My childhood trauma didn't allow me to.

But Jona is there, probably cheating on you. Portugal is far from Belarus. Get a grip.

So I ended the ludicrous call and pulled up American Airlines and Delta, scrolling for the earliest flight to Lisbon. I just missed the earliest ones. The others were five and six hours away, with a transit that would take me twenty-six hours to reach him. But then I realized I didn't even know Kurosaki's address. So I dialed Dom's number. "D, you know Kurosaki's address, right?"

There was a single-second pause. "Yes. Alex and I kept his address when he moved away years ago."

"Great. We're flying to Lisbon. How fast can Wilson prepare the plane?"

Another pause. "I'm not sure. This is too sudden. I'll get back to you in five minutes."

"Thanks." I sat on the couch, burying my face in my hands. My legs couldn't stop shaking. From animosity, anger, anguish, distress.

Just what the hell is he doing there?

"Luukey." Milada sat next to me. "You're going to see Jona?"

She must've been eavesdropping.

"Yes."

"I'm sure he's fine." She hugged my arm. "I'm sorry if I made you worry about him."

"It's not your fault." I wrapped an arm around her shoulder, resting my chin on her head. "I think you're right, lil sis. Sometimes, I feel like our relationship isn't really panning out. He doesn't even love me. Why—"

She sat straight, hitting my chin with her rock-like head in the process. Tsk. "You're a big jerk at times, but it is impossible to not love you! No offense to anyone, but I love you more than anyone in this family. You raised me. You're a great brother and a great guy. And I'm sure Jona knows that too. Well, I know he knows that." She smiled. "When he was here for Thanksgiving, he told me he's grateful that you accepted him in your life. He told me that he loves you, Luuk." She hugged me around the chest. "Maybe he's just... shy to share his feelings with you? He looked like a shy guy."

He loves me.

"Maybe I just wanted to hear it from his mouth."

My phone vibrated in my hand.

"It would take Wilson at least five hours to prepare the plane," Dom said.

I kissed Milada's temple and stood. I said to Dom, "Good enough. At least it won't take me two days to reach him. You're on vacation, aren't you? Come with me to Lisbon."

-III-

My head hurt. I was jet-lagged and tired. Yet the rising sun was trundling in an excruciatingly slow pace as if mocking my sufferance.

Dom parked the rented car on the opposite side of Kurosaki's house. I wanted to pound on the door earlier, but he warned me against it.

"His temper is worse than Alex. He was a yakuza. You should be mindful not to intrude his property," he had said an hour ago.

"I don't even give a damn if he's a mafia leader. I'm losing my patience," I said after an hour of waiting. "I'm not afraid of him. I watched you stab the granny who kidnapped me in the eye. Nothing would faze me now. Especially a retired yakuza like him." I stepped out of the car.

The gate of the single-story house wasn't locked, good for me. I was just about to pummel on the door when the porch lamp flicked on and the door creaked open. A tall and wide Japanese man (with my height, half of the world's population is taller than me) stood like a second door in front of me.

"I'd been watching you the whole night." His voice grazed my eardrums. It was so husky... so low it could reach the ground. "What on earth are you doing spying on me? Who the hell are you?"

"And you let me wait for you that long? You should come out and tell us off an hour ago." Tsk.

His cold eyes twitched a bit. "Your voice sounds familiar. Have we met somewhere, kid?"

Kid.

"I get the voice comment a lot. I'm impressed you could remember his voice even after twenty years. No. We've never met. But you know my brother—"

"Alexander," he said before I could finish my sentence. His eyelid-less eyes expanded. "You're Alexander's brother." Excitement supplanted his dour disposition.

"I told him not to barge in." Dom sighed behind me. "I apologize for his misbehavior, Kurosaki Sensei."

"Dominic!" Kurosaki stepped over the threshold and pulled Dom into a big hug with a similarly big laugh. He looked over Dom's shoulder. "Alexander is not here?"

"No," I said before Dom could answer. "I'm here to see Jona. May I?" I nudged my chin toward the door.

Kurosaki scanned me for a few seconds before he said, "So you're that Professor Smit who called Jona every day."

"There's only one Professor Smit in his life, so yes, that's me, his boyfriend."

He suddenly laughed as he patted my shoulder. Damned his brute force. I swore he flinched a bit when he tried to hug me.

What's the deal with this old yakuza?

"Jona isn't here," Kurosaki said, beckoning us to enter the house with a big smile on his face. He suddenly looked ten years younger despite his messy grey hair and overgrown stubble. "But come in."

I stayed outside, not following Dom into the house. "Why wouldn't he be here? He told me he's gonna stay with you."

"He is. He's just not here at the moment."

My chest squirmed, remembering the woman Jona talked about earlier. He's really with that woman? No. That's stupid. He's not into women... too. Is he?

"I'll... I'll stay in the car."

"Luuk."

I ignored Dom and walked to the rented Mercedes. I sat inside; my brain froze. I debated with the child in my head, telling him that Jona wasn't with the woman, that Jona wasn't that much of an asshole to cheat on him no matter how bitchy he could get when he was annoyed.

The sun percolated through the tinted window. When I wasn't waiting, the damned sun rose faster. Two teens in school uniforms passed the car, talking about something I couldn't hear. Once they turned at the junction, I stepped out onto the road and dialed Jona's number.

"Hello?" he said.

My tongue was stuck against my palate. I didn't expect he would answer the call on the first try.

"Luuk?"

For the first time in my whole life, I couldn't find a word to say. I was simply listening to my heart pounding in my ears.

"Luuk. You're huffing. Are you okay?"

"Onde estás?" [Where are you?] It went out as a whisper.

"Quê?" [What?]

"Where the hell are you?"

"Estou... em Lisboa, na casa de Kurosaki-san." [I'm... in Lisbon, at Kurosaki-san's house.]

"You're not," I croaked.

"Well, yes, technically, I'm in front of his house. What are you talking about?"

My head jerked to the right when he said that.

"Luuk?" He glanced at his phone.

"Jona."

His whole body jolted as he turned around. His phone dropped onto the street as he leaned against Kurosaki's house wall. "Luuk? What... What are you doing here?" He straightened his back and pulled out his glasses.

I picked up his broken phone from the cold asphalt and approached him. He took it when I offered it to him, but I didn't stop approaching.

"Hey—"

His hair was cold against my fingers. The wall was cold against my arm. The last whit of coldness on his lips segued into warmth. He moaned when I deepened the kiss, and for the first time since our first kiss, he kissed me back with the same vigor. Many and many seconds later, he whimpered when I bit his lower lip. I could taste the iron on my tongue when I sucked on it.

"Tell me you didn't just come back from seeing that woman."

His droopy eyes bulged. "What... Who?"

"That pig-nipple woman."

He looked genuinely confused. He closed his eyes and shook his head. When he opened them the next second, I knew it reached him. "Wait, no! She was in the bar, saying weird things to seduce me. I'm sorry for the call. I was drunk. I have no—"

"So where have you been the whole night?"

"My family's mausoleum," he whispered, looking at my chest.

"The whole night?"

"I... I slept there at my mother's tomb." His voice barely left his throat.

"You what?"

"Vamos lá entrar." [Let's just go inside.] He pulled my arm when two high school lowbrows jeered at us, cat-calling.

"Kurosaki-san," Jona called out from the entrance a few seconds later.

"Ah, so you've met him," Kurosaki said to me with that big smile from earlier.

Jona kneeled next to him while smiling at Dom. Then he said something in Japanese. It was not for my hearing, but my linguist's ears caught two words. Junko, Luuk. And I caught gestures; head shaking, tattoo rubbing, eyebrows dropping.

I swore on my linguist's instinct and sign language proficiency that he was saying: "Luuk doesn't know my real name is Junko."

And Kurosaki's flicking eyes replied: "Don't worry. I didn't call you Junko in front of them."

My blood boiled and my brain blurred. My temper rose. I almost called him out in front of the others, but I took the high road and held the wobbly conscience I had at the moment.

To say I didn't know why he changed his name was erroneous. In this raving mad newfangled century where a healthy person can even identify as a cripple because they feel like it, there were so many possibilities as to why Jona did that. One of the least unpleasant reasons was because Junko is a female's name and maybe he just hated that fact, like how I always have a love/hate relationship with my single-syllable name. Love it because it's not cumbersome. Hate it because it's plain old stupid.

My brain was enmeshed in a chain of other probabilities. What's he keeping from me?

"Can I bring Luuk into my room, Kurosaki-san?"

"Go ahead. I'll bring the tatami bed in a bit. He can sleep in your room." He patted Jona's cheek.

Jona bowed at him and held my hand. "Venha." [Come]

I let him lead me toward another parlor. He opened the door to his right and we got in. It was a small bedroom with a single bed.

Something clicked in my head. If he's Junko, then who's Jona?

There was only one answer.

"Jona." I tugged his arm when he let go.

He turned around. "Sim?" [Yes?]

"Jona." I pushed the door close. "It's your twin's name, isn't it?" I blurt out. I was tired of playing dumb. Dumb is not even the last adjective to describe me.

His face lost color after a blink; his lower lip trembled when he said, "What?"

I stepped closer. His pulse was drumming against my palm as I clutched his neck. "Jona is your brother's name. You're Junko."

I would say his reaction was dramatic if I didn't know any better. He staggered before falling on his butt onto the bed. He wadded up the bed linen. His mouth opened and closed a few times, like a fish gasping for oxygen.

"You..." He looked at me with reddened eyes. "How did you know that? You... You asked Dominic to spy on my background, didn't you?" he said with asperity.

I needed to take a few breaths to make sure I didn't shout at him. "Now I wish I did. At least it won't piss me off as much."

His eyeballs were restless. He looked around the room as if there were bugs planted somewhere. "What... What did you hear? What else do you know about me?" His voice made that octave hitch again, but he was almost whispering.

"Do you want to tell me about it yourself?"

His gaze dropped. He looked like a chastised kid on the brink of tears.

I asked, "You wanted to tell me something three days ago. What is it?"

"You... You already know what I wanted to tell you."

"No, I don't."

A pregnant silence.

"Let me repeat what I told you before." I stepped closer to him. "You don't have to tell me anything, but you also don't have to keep anything from me."

Still silent. A stretched out silence. Only the whirling of the fan answered me.

I backtracked when anger bubbled in my chest. "Fuck this. Don't tell me. I know jackshit about you, but I can live with it. I guess you can live with it too, huh?"

He grabbed my hand when I grabbed the doorknob. I shoved him aside. I would rather be anywhere else at the moment. But then he plopped to his knees and groveled; his forehead almost grazed my foot.

I jerked to a bending position and pulled his shoulders. "What on earth are you doing? I'm not your Japanese feudal lord. Get up!"

"I keep things from you. You're right." Silent tears rolled down his cheeks when he looked at me. His breath shuddered. "I... Luuk. Yes, my real name is Junko. But I changed it years ago."

"No. You don't have to tell me anything." I turned around, and he pulled my legs.

"You don't understand!" His voice quivered. "I didn't tell you because being Junko means nothing to me anymore."

I rubbed my forehead and kneeled in front of him. "But why? Because it's a girl's name? You hate it that much?"

His eyes were bloodshot red and heavy with dark bags. It contradicted his creamy skin. He looked so weary as if he hadn't slept for days.

He shook his head. "I... I changed it because it's the only way for me to pay for my sins."

It took me a second to process what he just said. Before I could say "That's bullshit" he continued. "I killed him, Luuk. Jona. He died because of me. I need to live for him. As him."

I was thinking "That's exceptionally bullshit. You wouldn't even kick a monkey" when he added, "And that's not the only thing I changed about myself." His eyes were desolate behind his tears. Then he closed them and breathed out.

Although I had had an inkling of what he was about to say, hearing it out loud made me doubt my proficiency in Portuguese for the first time in some odd years.

"Luuk. Eu era uma menina." [I was a girl.]

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