-I-

The sight of Karma throttling toward me mended half of my bothered heart. She let out a small, yet strong bark when she reached me. "Hey, baby girl!" I bent over and hugged her. "You look healthy! How are your babies?" I rubbed Karma's stomach. I went away only for a week, but her bumps felt bigger, and she looked fatter.

"She has missed you," Aarón said. "Ella no quería salir de su cama. Es posible que necesite dormir en mi habitación esta noche. Ella muda mucho." [She didn't want to leave your bed. You might need to sleep in my room tonight. She sheds a lot.]

I looked at my palms. They really were full of black furs.

"Madeleine said she gained three pounds this week." Aarón locked the door after Luuk and I entered the house. "But you look like you lose some pounds." He kneaded my rib cage. "¿Te sientes bien?" [You feel good?]

"Sim. Não perdi peso nenhum." [Yeah. I didn't lose any weight.] I lied unnecessarily. I lost five pounds in two weeks. To add to it, the meeting with my father gave me trouble swallowing any food. What he told me about my mom bothered me to no end, it was nauseating. Luuk had to force me to eat after I fainted yesterday right before we embarked for Stanford.

"Sim, você fez, Junko." [Yes, you did, Junko.] Luuk grabbed Aarón's hand on my waist and placed it on Karma's head.

Aarón traced the side of his mouth when he heard my real name. His eyebrows wriggled in a way that was supposed to say: "You told him the truth?" Then he looked at Luuk. "No recuerdo haberte tenido aquí. Entra, entra." [I can't remember ever having you here. Come in, come in.]

He was clearly amused by Luuk's presence. I had been so adamant about not showing Luuk my personal space after we came back from the village. I was afraid of him finding out the truth about my gender. Testosterone bottles and gels were lying around in my drawers. 'Accidentally' wasn't how I wanted to break the news to him.

"You want anything to drink?" I asked him as I poured a glass of water for myself.

He was inspecting the living room as if he was in an art gallery. It could as well be true; Aarón loved collecting abstract and surrealism paintings.

"No need." He checked his watch. "I need to stop by the department at three." He flinched at the painting on his right when he took another step into the living room. "What the dickens is this atrocious painting... Kazimir." He grinned when he read the signature. "Fascinatingly disgusting." He looked at the other frame on his right then shook his head again.

It was disgusting, I agree. One could question what kind of fetish Aarón had.

The first painting was of a nude ballerino doing a penché on top of a bleeding Earth, faceward. The blood dripped into space, creating a bloody black hole. The second painting showed a naked man lounging on a white towel, facing the sea. Only his lean back was visible. His hand was holding the chin of another nude guy who was snorting the white sand at his leg. If there was any meaning behind the paintings, it got lost in the sheer crudeness.

"Dude is good at painting, isn't he?" Aarón said.

"Dude is also Kazimir Malevich wannabe," Luuk said, leaning on the couch.

"If there were any wannabes, it was his parents. Cuz it's his real name," Aarón said, laughing.

Aarón once told me that Kazimir Malevich was a distinguished Russian artist in the 20th century. Other than martial arts, I am pretty good at drawing, if I am allowed to say that. I used to draw a lot as a teenager. But drawing reminded me of my mother (she was great at it), and feeling sad doing something you good at is not something I look forward to. After she died, I never honed the talent I have, so I know little to none about paintings and artists.

Luuk hummed. "Credit where credit's due, his talent isn't as outrageous as the theme. He could live up to his covetous name one day."

"Yea. That's why I bought 'em last year when we visited New Syracuse. Feels good to support small-town artists like him." Aarón fixed the frame unnecessarily.

Luuk shrugged a shoulder as he looked at me. "New Syracuse is blacklisted by our company due to illegal arms dealing years ago." Luuk stood and patted Karma's head with his fingers. She then tried to lick his palm. "No. Told you no licking." Karma whined and sat when Luuk pointed to the floor. "When will she give birth?" He looked at me.

"Há dezesseis dias...?" [Sixteen days...?] I said, trying to remember the exact date.

He nodded. I knew he was thinking about us moving away. He had said I could move in with him after I had settled the gym's management and Karma's birth. I would need to tell Aarón that I was moving out of the house. It didn't feel good nor did it feel right. It hurt knowing I would move away from him.

Luuk approached me while I was distracted. He put his palm on the table next to me. After kissing my cheek, he whispered, "I'll call it a day. I'll let you break the news to him. Tell him when you're ready. You have sixteen days, I guess."

I nodded in response as I watched Aarón entered the kitchen.

"Dorme um pouco, princesa. Não descansaste no avião." [Get some sleep, princess. You didn't get to rest on the plane.]

"A culpa foi tua." [It was your fault.] I pushed him gently, flustered.

He kissed the corner of my eye and softened his voice. He uttered his words one by one as if talking to a child. "I hate myself for saying this," he sighed, "but spend some time with him. He deserves that much. I know it's hard for you, but whatever the case is, let this be the last time. You might not see the importance, but you need to end your unwholesome relationship with him, honey. Break up with him, if it entails that. After tonight, I hope you two will become friends... without benefit. Wipe the slate clean. We're now in a relationship, and I don't intend to share you with him." He pushed a strain of hair from my temple. "Você me entende, certo, querida?" [You get me, right, sweetie?]

I hugged him around his chest and nodded against his neck with a heavy heart.

-II-

My muscles relaxed as I lay on the bed.

"Has conocido a tu padre." [You met your father.] Aarón walked out of the bathroom. He discarded his towel into the rattan basket and searched for his boxers in the closet, stark naked.

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I hugged a pillow. "It probably would be the last time I meet him." I sighed into the fluffy pillow. It smelled like Aarón, that tinge of cinnamon. The smell was comforting, it was therapy even. "Well... at least I got to introduce Luuk to him."

The waistband of his black boxer slapped his hip. "I'm sorry to say this, but that's good for you. You don't need him in your life, I've been telling you that forever. I'm glad Luuk dealt with him."

That took my attention. "What makes you think it was Luuk and not me?"

"It wasn't him?" He climbed onto the bed, smiling as he folded his legs.

I sighed and nodded. "He gave me courage to confront my dad."

"I'm proud of you." He rubbed my eyebrow. "What happened, Junko? I know you've been crying."

I straightened my back and folded my legs too. "I told him I'll live as a woman from now on."

"Him? Your dad?"

I nodded.

"So it got him teed off or something?"

I nodded. "He said he has no daughter." My voice broke. My tears dropped like a broken dam, and it burned my heart. "I was hoping he would love me enough to accept my decision. But he kept breaking my heart. Again and again." My breath shook. "É minha culpa que eu sobrevivi? Por que ele me odeia tanto?" [Is it my fault that I survived? Why does he hate me so much?]

"Oh, cariño." He stroked my back when I leaned on his chest. His heart beat fast, and I knew him too well to know that it was anger.

He let me cry. A minute, two minutes. I didn't know, but I cried. After some time, I realized it was more of relief rather than sadness. Suddenly I remembered Luuk telling me how he felt when he had his tattoo. Like a canary flying for the first time after it has been released from its cage. Knowing my father didn't love me was a bitter realization. But my tears also held the anger from the fact that he let my mother die, and the anger from the fact that I loved him regardless. I didn't know anymore. Too many feelings filled my heart, it felt like exploding.

"Ele falou da minha mãe." [He talked about my mom.]

"¿Qué hay de ella?" [What about her?]

Of all the things I had shared with Aarón, my mother's story wasn't really one of them. She was one of the things that I failed to forget no matter how hard I tried. The only thing I could do to continue living was to avoid talking about her as much as I could. Because the guilt never went away. She had died in my arms, from the medicine I fed her. Every time she crossed my mind, I would regret the day I left the opioid bottle in her bedroom. If only I didn't leave it in her room... maybe I could still save her from my dad. Thinking about her bled my heart every time.

I rubbed my tears. "After I transitioned, she started having headaches. I knew she wasn't happy with my choice—"

"It wasn't your choice." Aarón clenched my shoulder slightly. "It was your immoral father's ideology."

I sighed. "My dad would beat us whenever I asked my mom for... girly stuff. So she had to agree to my dad's... idea. She just wanted to save me, you know. Especially after that time he let me drown."

"The fucker let you drown?" Aarón's eyes widened.

I shivered. "I thought I saw it wrong. But no. He just stood there on the beach, staring at me the whole time I was trying to ask for help. The next thing I know, I was in so much pain when I woke up next to him."

"Luuk knows of this?"

I nodded.

"¿Y ese bastardo sigue vivo?" [And that bastard is still alive?]

"Barely. He would kill my father if I didn't stop him." I shook my head.

"Should've let him kill the bastard," he murmured, more to himself.

"It was hard for my mom to ask for help. She ran away from Japan to marry him. Her family disowned her." I paused, trying to curb the bitterness on my tongue. "So I promised her that I'd listen to him because it was the best choice for us. It might be the best for me, but not for her. My situation broke her spirit to live, I guess. And I think he... he deliberately prescribed opioid to my mon to break her."

"What?" He stared at me. "What makes you think so?"

"He said something about letting her die. It was as if he knew she was dying. He's a doctor, but he never helped her condition. Maybe because he knew my mom cheated on him. He knew I supported my mom's adultery too."

"What a dickhead. No wonder your mom cheated on him."

I couldn't help but smile. "I caught her having sex with Kurosaki-san. Instead of getting angry, I remembered how happy I was. So odd." I sighed. "I just... I saw her smile for the first time in years. She was so pretty. Just so... beautiful." The tears I thought had stopped fall again. "How I wished Kurosaki-san was my dad at that time."

"Family doesn't mean blood, cariño. Family doesn't even have to be the same species."

I nodded, smiling. "Yes, you and Karma have always been my family." I hugged my knees. "Aarón."

"Yes?"

"What will happen if I don't continue my testosterone therapy?" Of course I knew what would happen. It was in my nature to ask Aarón something just to listen to his answer. He always made me feel safe about the choices I made. It was almost like a quirk to me.

"You know how you used to talk to yourself in the mirror?"

I nodded.

"You always called your reflection Jona, not Junko. Do you know why?"

"Porque... pareço o meu irmão." [Because... I look like my brother.]

"No, sweetheart. It was because you know you're not your brother. So nothing will happen if you stopped taking T. Because you know you are Junko. People change appearances on a daily basis. That doesn't change who they really are. They are still their own person."

"But... changing gender is not as easy as changing... hairstyles."

"Yes, it was hard for you. But now, the most that will happen is you becoming Junko. Which you already are. Your body knows it. You know it."

"Tenho medo. As mudanças são assustadoras." [I'm scared. Changes are scary.] I sighed. "Por que eu não poderia viver assim para sempre com você..." [Why couldn't I live like this forever with you...]

"Eso es dulce y cruel al mismo tiempo. No me digas eso cuando te estás mudando. Me estás rompiendo el corazón, cariño." [That is sweet and cruel at the same time. Don't tell me that when you're moving away. You're breaking my heart, honey.]

I sat up straight, looking at him. He had been super perceptive all the time, so it was surprising how I could still get surprised by his intuition. "How..."

"You're underestimating how strange you're acting tonight. We've shared the bed for six years, but never once did you hug me first." He chuckled. "When are you moving in with him?"

I shook my head. "No." I hugged him. "I don't want to talk about it tonight."

"Then let's sleep." He lay on his side of the bed. "You look like you haven't slept for days."

I snuggled into his open arms, and he hugged me into his warm chest. For the hundredth times, he made me feel like I was home. He was a default. He made me feel protected. If Luuk was my angel, he was my Great Wall of China.

"Aarón."

"Yea?"

"I'm not a great friend, but you've never failed to be here for me. You love me, but I take you for granted. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be who I am today. I'm sorry I didn't see that earlier." I looked at him. I rubbed a stray tear on his temple. It was the first time I saw him crying. "Obrigado por me amar, Aarón." [Thank you for loving me, Aarón.]

Aarón pushed me onto the mattress. "Mierda, Luuk puede matarme más tarde." [Fuck, Luuk can just kill me later.] Then he kissed me.

I let him do it, but it felt unfair when I tried my hardest not to kiss him back. It felt wrong. But not kissing him back was as hard as not breathing. His lips were salty and I wanted to lick his tears away. But I pulled away from him even when it was suffocating. I hugged him tightly, dreading the days when I couldn't sleep in his arms anymore. Whatever 'break up' entails, I couldn't do it. I couldn't say "Stop loving me." Because tonight, I realized that I loved him more than I thought.

"Eu te amo, Aarón. Eu te amo muito." [I love you, Aarón. I love you so much.]

But I also realized that this was as far as I could go into this relationship with him. I didn't have to break up with him in the first place. Knowing him, he would distance himself from me after tonight.

I had made my choice, and I would treasure what I lost today in exchange for what I would gain tomorrow.