-I-

Aarón yanked Luuk around the shoulder and locked his arm.

Using his small frame to his advantage, Luuk stepped on Aarón's thigh, kicked in reverse-jump with shocking agility, and landed behind Aarón. He pressed the back of Aarón's knee with the side of his foot, but, of course, Aarón stayed upright. Clouds of dust surrounded their legs from every movement.

I had seen Aarón fight countless times in our combat gym, but seeing Luuk fighting was surprising. He improvised even the simplest move-what you would expect from a brown belt holder.

And I called myself a martial art instructor. Something heavy sank into my stomach. I was a joke compared to him. In every aspect.

"That's cool sparring. But if those are what you guys called Jiu-Jitsu, then no," Dr. John said beside me as he clapped together with tens of tribesmen surrounding those two. He then shouted at Aarón. "I'll not allow da Graça to demonstrate such moves tomorrow."

Aarón perched his hands on his knees. Luuk retied his windswept, sweaty hair in a high bun as he looked up. His blond hair gleamed under the sun, and his eyes mirrored the sky. They were so clear, they appeared gray. He caught my eyes in passing and looked away, and for that particular moment, my heart missed a beat.

I tried to ignore my pounding heart. I didn't even know what I was feeling. Anger? Sadness? Annoyance? I was simply confused.

"That wasn't what we'll demonstrate tomorrow. We were just whooping it up," Aarón said.

"Those are not the basic moves," I told Dr. John. "I can show you some basic moves if you want to. I promise you it's nothing like that. Those were not even Jiu-Jitsu. It was mixed martial arts."

Dr. John's brows tightened toward the middle before he nodded.

"Sorry for that little show, John," Aarón called to us.

Luuk said something to Aarón. He walked past me and greeted Dr. Chen who was interviewing a tribeswoman for his community psychology study with the help of Essien. I wanted to ask Luuk why he was ignoring me, but it somehow scared me. Our personal issues here didn't seem like they were important enough to be discussed.

We had a little less than a month here and we all drifted apart with each other's research. He worked straight after sunrise until sunset. He spent the days conversing with the tribesmen, and evenings in the tent, working with computers. Aarón and I just came back yesterday from a week's worth of canopy-mapping with the students ourselves. We didn't get many chances to sit together. Tomorrow would be the Huka-Huka festival, and this was the first day we gathered together in the village after so long.

But even with all the hectic work, a simple "Hi" would suffice. He could look at me just now and smile. But he ignored me the whole month after we got back from the deforested site.

What did I do... Why does it hurt me... Why does it feel lonely... What happened to us... Those questions rang in my head.

I pulled my gaze away from him and entered the hut. Aarón came in right after me. He sat on his hammock, brushing off the sand on his forearms.

"Let's continue our practice after lunch," he said.

There were laughter and commotion from the logistic tent. I heard Luuk's raspy voice, but I couldn't make out what he was saying.

"I thought you'll do that with Luuk," I said.

He grinned. "He's surprisingly good at it. What I would expect from a brown belt holder." Then he sat beside me. "But you're the sensei here. You should do it." He paused and took my hands. "Hey, is something wrong?"

I rested my head on his shoulder. "Aarón."

"Sí, cariño." [Yes, sweetie.]

"Do you think my brother would be a better man? I'm a joke compared to him, right? You guys are naturals at it. I worked so hard, but I am... nowhere."

Aarón rubbed the tattoo on my neck. He was the one who inked me six years ago when he moonlighted the tattoo parlor. It was a cursive tattoo. A name. The name I had almost forgotten.

Aarón then kissed me. His kiss was so soft, I couldn't help but kiss him back. He said against my lips, "You're a great instructor, Junko. Look at how much the kids love you."

Shivers ran up my back. My heart beat faster.

"Já te disse para não me chamares isso," [I've told you not to call me that] I whispered and looked at the entrance when sand shifted under someone's shoes.

Luuk was standing at the entrance, but he was looking away. As if he was having second thoughts, he hesitated, but then entered the hut and took his towel and change of clothes. Then he hollered Ethan's name. The guy came running from the tent, following him.

A part of me wanted to run and call for him. But what would I say to him? What good would that do?

I rubbed my face and rested my temple on Aarón's arm. "He hates me for some reason, you know. What did I do to him?"

"He hasn't been talking to you, has he?"

"You know the answer without asking me. You're the one who should give me the answer. You're Sherlock Holmes." I looked into his eyes. "Diga-me. Fiz algo errado?" [Tell me. Did I do something wrong?]

Aarón stared at me as he kneaded my scalp. "No estoy seguro si te gustará mi deducción, cariño. Y tampoco estoy seguro si me gusta mi deducción." [I'm not sure if you will like my deduction, cariño. And I'm not sure if I like my deduction either.]

"If you mean to say he's homophobic, I know about it. He said he doesn't trust gay men, especially those he can't understand. I never asked why. I wonder if something happened to him..." I sat straight on the hammock, facing Aarón. An idea emerged from my brain. "Maybe we scared him coz he thought we're in a relationship?"

If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

"You really think that's the reason?" Aarón laughed.

Before I could ask him what he meant, Zack peeked into the hut and called him to look at some data.

I sat on my hammock, trying to understand what was going on. Just a month ago, Luuk said he would be my friend, clinging and annoying me, giving my life a purpose.

But he lied. He avoided me.

What changed?

He had always been rude before I befriended him. After I befriended him. But it never hurt me much. He was an amusing guy. He always made me laugh with his bizarre speech. I couldn't understand half of his language, but I soldiered on, as he liked to say.

Now, I did not understand why it hurt when he did not utter a word to me. He had eleven languages worth of words to use to talk to me. Yet he did not. He did not even spare me a glance.

But I wouldn't ask. He would hate me more. He would think I had fallen in love with him to even care about us.

Love. There was no love.

Us. There was no us.

And again, my heart hurt, and I did not understand why.

-II-

We had been in the village for over two months, but I had never seen all six hundred villagers gathered in the middle of the village like today.

Everyone was out to celebrate the Yamurikuma festival, the festival for the dead. The village plaza was milling with those who were competing in a tug of war and Huka-Huka. Huka-Huka wrestling style looked like the mix of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and Judo. The wrestling started when the chief walked to the center of the arena and called the wrestlers. The wrestlers rotated clockwise, facing each other, and then both wrestlers started kneeling and clinching each other. They won when they managed to throw their opponent. It focused on the skill of controlling one's opponent, gaining a dominant position, and using a number of techniques to throw them to the ground.

I had just finished demonstrating Jiu-Jitsu moves with Aarón. My body was sticky with sweat and sand. Like a default, my eyes searched for Luuk. I was sitting on the ground a few feet away from him and the students. Even the forestry students stood with him.

He was gesticulating everywhere, explaining about the festival. "Yamurikuma is some sort of gender role reversal festival. After fifty-one weeks of living their lives as a woman, whoever won the Huka-Huka combat will assume the role of a man for the rest of the week."

"Feminism runs as deep as this place. Good for them." Alicia grinned.

I could almost hear his scoff. "Feminism. What a misleading term. Just because they do this, doesn't mean they suddenly are Gloria Steinem. They have been doing this way before the French coined the term in the late 1800s." He lengthened the way into wayyyy. "The nuclear families here work in the conventional archetypes of patriarchy, and they work fine. There is no social marginalization here to advocate such movement."

Alicia was trying to say something, but Luuk continued. "Maybe you thought they treated the women as inferior? As if this is some kind of a sick game with a candy as a prize?"

Alicia nodded.

I thought Luuk would laugh or scoff at her, but the next time he opened his mouth, he suddenly sounded like a credible anthropologist. He raked his hair as he watched two women combating with each other. "Culture is the accumulated teachings of their ancestors. It is the basis of beliefs, traditions, protocols, values, rituals, language. If living within one's culture and being involved in the rituals associated with ceremonies and traditions is the essence of their identity and wellbeing, then it can be argued that being disassociated from the culture can lead to a deterioration of their wellbeing."

He continued explaining and gesturing all over the place, but I couldn't make out the rest of his explanation, because a group of indigenous people was asking me about karate. I could speak the language fairly well now. I still got help from Essien to translate some of it. Luuk was right. The language was so easy to learn. It had a limited vocabulary.

I looked around for Aarón before I remembered that he was joining the archery competition near the lake. I kept on thinking about what he was trying to say yesterday. I hadn't had the chance to talk to him about it.

The sun was right above our heads. I stared at the back of my hands. My skin had never produced so much melanin before. But I liked it. Maybe that was the reason I studied Forestry. To have a reason to stay outdoor. I had been indoors all my life as a child, I had had the palest skin among the kids in the neighborhood. Just thinking about being in a house made me feel sick. The house.

My thoughts lingered to my father. I was supposed to meet him last week if I were still in America. I avoided our appointment and came here.

But what good would that do?

João César da Graça was a loop I couldn't get away from. Love was the only commodity we traded. Like a deal with the crossroads' demon, I gave him my soul, and he gave me his love. And the time would come when I had to cross the road again. To have to meet the demon and pay for his love again.

I stood up and headed for the hut. Throwing my glasses on my hammock, I dried my sweaty face with my towel. Packing my toiletries and change of clothes, I slung my bag over my shoulder and hiked to the river a mile away from here.

I traced this path every day, and I could now basically close my eyes and follow the chirping of the insects as if they were telling me the direction. I could close my eyes and follow the faint babble of the flowing water somewhere on my right.

The faint babble became a gush ten minutes later. I was standing on the riverbank. It wasn't a river though. It was a brook. I could lie in it, and the cold water would barely touch my temples. And so I did. My face warmed up from the heat, but my body shivered from the cold water. I lay against the pebbles until my skin swelled up and my digits wrinkled. The sun hid behind the treetops, yet I lay still. My shin throbbed from the cold, yet I lay still.

Can't I just lie here forever and stop pretending? Can I live up to my own name and not living in the shadow of someone else's? What has happened to me?

I traced the tattoo on my neck. It was the only remembrance of my true self. Yet I had not uttered the name for sixteen years, and my tongue almost forgot how to roll it. Good, forget it.

Too many things crossed my mind like road-crossing pedestrians. My father, Aarón, Jiu-Jitsu, Luuk, my gym, my students, Myra, Noel, Luuk, Karma, Aarón, my father, my mother, Karma, Luuk, Luuk, Luuk.

Why am I even thinking about Luuk?

Turning on my front, I wetted my face, stood up, and took my bag.

It's still early. Let's swim at the cascade.

I could hear the splashing water from here. It was so faint, like the fluttering of a dragonfly's wings, yet it was within reach.

The cascade was half a mile away. There would always be two or three villagers there bathing or fishing. I doubted there would be anyone there now. It was almost evening.

I went there a few times with Aarón. Since that night we made out at the river, we would occasionally go to the cascade, and I would give him his fix every time he craved me. It was a bad habit for me to embrace, but it was him. He was right. The Amazon softened me. But he loved me. I would give him the world. These few days, I had even been thinking of giving him my virginity. I had no reason to keep it. The person it belonged to was dead a long time ago.

I waded through the brook. The water reached my knees as I got closer to the cascade. The flowing brook ended where it jumped ten feet from where I stood. I leaned forward and watched millions of white bubbles foamed on the surface of the clear, greenish water. The gray pebbles at the bottom lay undisturbed. The lake was as big as a typical twenty-five-yard swimming pool. Small fish glided where the water ebbed. Sandy shore curved on one side of the lake; crawling underbrush curved on the other side.

I took off my damp shirt and shoved it into my backpack. Then I threw it as hard as I could to the sandy shore below me on the left and took a deep breath.

Relax. You won't drown. You can swim now. You won't die again.

I free-fell.

The sound of bubbling water filled my ears a second later. The water drowned all the chirping and cawing of the jungle. It was cold a second ago, but now the water was warmer than my skin. My eyes flew open, and the sky above me was swaying. I took in the mossy oxygen in a deep breath as my head broke through the water surface. I rubbed my eyes. Then my gaze caught the darkening eastern sky.

Ah, I left my glasses.