-I-

If stoicism is an emotion, then that was all I could see on Luuk's face after I told him the truth about me.

The muscles on his jaw hardened. He stared at me as he straightened his back. Then he stood, but his scrutiny never left me. The bed creaked under his weight when he sank on it. All the cells in my body pushed me away from him, but I couldn't pull my gaze away; his stare hooked me in place. His eyes were lifeless, but they were... intimidating.

I rubbed my face and stood a few feet away from him, trying to control my shivering legs.

His lips winced before he asked, "Quando planejava me dizer isso se eu não tivesse perguntado?" [When were you planning on telling me that if I hadn't asked?]

When? I had no answer.

"Your brother... When did you—when did he die?"

I clenched my eyes shut, and I saw the scene again. The same scene I saw every night—Jona sprawling on the floor with my boneca next to his crooked neck.

"Estou fazendo uma pergunta. Quando?" [I asked you a question. When?] The staccato in his voice made my heart jump into my mouth.

"Quando... Quando éramos seis." [When... When we were six.]

The bed creaked again. I took a step away and my back hit the wall. My eyelids refused to open when the bergamot around him enveloped me. The sweet scent smothered my lungs.

"You're telling me you killed him when you were six?"

Goosebumps sparked all over my body from his thick voice. I couldn't find my own voice, so I just nodded.

"What bullshit is that?" he said with clenched jaws, and I couldn't help from whimpering when he clutched my shoulder.

I rubbed my wet nose. "It was my fault."

"You..." He pulled my wrist and gripped my jaw. "Open your eyes. Look at me."

It took me all the strength I could muster to open my eyes.

"No six-year-old would be capable of killing someone intentionally."

I shook my head. "You don't know—"

His eyes lightened up as if he just remembered something. "It's him, isn't it? Your father. He fed that bullshit to you, didn't he? That it was your fault?"

"No. It was—"

"Why are you meeting him? What kind of a doctor is he?" He clasped my wrist so hard, the tips of my fingers tingled. The next time he spoke, it was just a bit above a whisper. "He's the one who changed your gender."

"He's just... helping me."

His eyes were searching for something in mine. "Why would he let you do that? Is he insane? It wasn't your fault. It can't be. It makes zero sense."

I pushed him. "It doesn't change the fact that Jona is dead because of me. What do you know about us? What do you know about how I feel? How my father feels after I killed his son?" I shouted. "You know nothing about us!"

Then he was gone.

The door squeaked, and the scent of bergamot faded.

I pushed my back off the wall and followed him. "Luuk." I pulled his arm, and he yanked it away. "Luuk! Onde vais?" [Where are you going?]

Kurosaki-san and Dominic were standing in the living room as if expecting us. Kurosaki-san looked at me with eyes I couldn't decipher. He looked... I didn't know what it was. Satisfied?

But why?

Luuk shoved Kurosaki-san onto the couch. "You are his... her..." He rubbed his forehead. "You're her father figure. How could you let her live this way? Did you feed her such nonsense too?"

My heart pounded in my head when he used the pronoun 'her'. I tried to pull his fist from Kurosaki-san's shirt. "I'm not a woman. Stop it. This has nothing to do with Kurosaki-san. Please list—"

"I!" he shouted, then he took a breath. "I would take you seriously if it happened when you were sixteen." He looked at Dominic, and Dominic pulled my hand away from him. "So shut up or I swear to God I will find your father and you'll not like what I'll do to him."

My throat burned. "Don't threaten me! He's my father. Who the fuck—"

"Junko," Kurosaki-san warned me. Then he looked at Luuk and lowered his head. "It's my fault. I should've stopped her long ago."

I pushed Dominic and Luuk. I kneeled at Kurosaki-san's feet. "Don't lower your head!" My heart hurt as I grabbed his face. "Kore wa anata no kashitsude wa arimasen'. Nan'mo okoranaiyō ni shimashita. Watashi ga koko ni inaiyō ni hanasunoo yamemashō. Watashi no sen'takude ari soreo shitteimasu." [This is not your fault. You didn't let anything happen. And stop talking like I'm not here! It was my choice, and you know it.]

A film of tears coated his black eyes. He touched my cheek. "Sōde wa nai kotowa wakatteimasu. Kare ni tasuketemorainasai." [You know that isn't the case. Please let him help you.]

But my dad will stop loving me, Kurosaki-san.

"I'm sorry, but you're talking nonsense, Kurosaki-san. I don't need help." I stood and stared at Luuk. "Especially from someone who doesn't understand why I chose to live this way. Go back, Luuk. I don't need you here."

Kurosaki-san stood. "Junko—"

I unfastened the watch Luuk gave me. "Take it and go back to America."

Luuk grabbed my arm. "What lunacy is this? What did you talk about? Don't talk in a language I don't understand." His face scrunched a bit.

Despite my feeling guilty, I pushed it aside and said, "You shouldn't come here. I told you from the start, Luuk. This is wrong. We are not supposed to feel this way. There's no room for such a relationship for me." I let go of the watch and yanked my hand away.

"Jona!"

He tried to grab my hand again, so I ran to my room and slammed the door.

"Jo— Fuck. Open the damn door!" Luuk pounded on the door.

"Vai-te embora!" [Go away!] I sat on the floor, my back to the door.

"You think you can get rid of me that easily?" He whacked the door repeatedly; my heart was beating as hard as them. "Are you underestimating me?"

"Just... Go away." My lower lip trembled violently when I took a breath. My tears wet my knees. "I don't want help. Just go."

He banged on the door one last time. "Fuck this. Fine, don't go out. Stay in there as long as you want. Come out when you can start using your head. I'm not going anywhere. I will be here when you come out, Junko." The floor outside creaked as he moved away from the door.

Junko. He calls me Junko.

My chest felt like blowing up from all the whirlwind of emotions I was feeling. Luuk could save me. I knew he could. But I didn't know if I wanted help. How could I? I took away my brother's life. What could make it okay for me to be happy?

There's always something that you don't deserve to get no matter how much you want it.

And for me, I didn't deserve to live as a woman.

-II-

I was lying on the floor when someone pounded on the door.

"Junko. Answer me," Kurosaki-san said from outside.

"Damn it, Kurosaki. Just open the damn door or I'll shoot it off its hinges," Luuk said.

The knob rattled. I was too tired to stand up and open the door.

"Jesus. Finally." Luuk pushed the door open and kneeled beside me. "You scared me, for God's sake. What were you doing?" He pulled me up, scanning me up and down. His forehead creased into so many lines. His hair was all over the place. "Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself? Why are you on the floor?" He checked every inch of my arms.

I looked out the window. It was dark.

Kurosaki-san ruffled my hair, shook his head, and went out of the room. He had always looked younger, but for the first time in years, the lines on his skin showed me how much he had aged. I had made him worry about me for fourteen years. I was such an ungrateful child.

"You've been unresponsive for hours." Luuk crushed me in his arms. His heart was racing against my chest. "I was scared to death."

"Por que você ainda está aqui?" [Why are you still here?]

He touched me arm's length. "Porque nada do que você diz me fará deixá-lo, Junko." [Because nothing you say will make me leave you, Junko.]

When I thought my tears had dried up, hearing him calling me Junko burned my eyes again.

"Foi a minha escolha." [It was my choice.] I cried into his chest. "Foi tudo culpa minha." [It was all me.]

He kissed my head. "Get up." He helped me sit on the bed. "I'll go get something for you to eat."

I shook my head.

"Eat. You haven't eaten the whole day. Wait here."

It took him less than five minutes to bring me dinner.

"Eu não me sinto como comer." [I don't feel like eating.] I buried my face into the pillow when he touched my elbow.

"Kurosaki cooked this for you. I have no idea what they are, but he says these are your favorite." He pulled me into a sitting position. "This squishy eggplant looking thing looks good. Eat." He brought the spoon to my lips.

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I shook my head again.

"Come on, honey. It's not every day that you get to eat from my graceful hand. Consider it a blessing on your part." He winked.

I bit the inside of my lips to stop the unwelcomed grin.

He smiled. "Eat, sweetheart. Please."

My stomach rumbled from the sweet smell of the eggplant. I hadn't eaten anything for two days. "Have you eaten?" I said and drank the water he passed me.

His smile wavered. "Yes. Though I don't like Japanese food."

"This is not Japanese food. It's Portuguese. And you always loved the Japanese food I cooked."

"Yeah, yeah, semantics. Still food. Just eat."

"I'll eat if you do." I pushed the spoon toward him gently.

He clicked his tongue. "This is stupid." He ate and scooped another spoonful of rice. Then he fed me.

We ate slowly in silence. He watched me the whole time as if I would disappear if he looked away for more than a second. Every minute or two, he leaned over and kissed me. My forehead, my cheek, my palm, my lips. He said nothing when I cried; he just wiped my tears away. Again and again.

"I'll come back in a bit. Go and wash up. You look terrible." He tucked my hair behind my ear. "Still cute, but awful." He cringed playfully and winked at me before he stood up and brought the tray out.

I was too tired to argue. And I did smell awful. So I headed to the bathroom. I peeled off my clothes, one by one, and looked at the mirror. I blushed crimson red. Luuk was right, I looked awful. My hair was all over the place. There was a streak of dried saliva on the corner of my mouth; boogers lined my eyes and nostril.

And he kissed me looking like this.

I turned on the shower and sat on the floor, hugging my knees. The hot water flowed down my stiff neck.

Luuk would give me the world if I asked him for it. He would change every corner of my life if I asked him to help me. I wanted to ask his help, at least to give me the strength to use my own name openly. Changing my gender was my choice, but it was because of my father. It was the least I could do to give him back his son, the child he had always loved more than me. I tried to find a loophole to get away from my dilemma. But the burden of my guilt was so heavy, I couldn't see how it was possible.

I tilted my head and let the hot water stifle my breath. The recollection of me drowning gushed back into my mind, and I gasped when water entered my windpipe. I almost threw up as I coughed my lungs out.

Luuk knocked on the bathroom door, asking if I was okay.

"Yeah, a... a minute." I sniffled as I stood and scrubbed my body.

Luuk was sitting on the edge of the bed when I entered the bedroom. He had taken a shower himself; his damp hair was loose, side-parted. It reached his chest now. His stubble was heavier than it had always been. It covered his scar. He looked as perfect as ever. With his money and his looks, he could get anyone he wanted in this world. But he was still here with me.

Why? What's there to hold on to me?

"Why are you standing there, honey? Come here." He extended his hand to me.

"I..." I shifted on my right leg when the left spasmed in pain. My leg hurt more now that it was winter.

"What?"

"Why aren't you angry? Why are you okay with all this? How... How can you easily call me Junko? I've always been Jona to you."

"Who says I'm okay with all this? Who says I'm not angry?" He leaned forward and touched my hand. "And your name is Junko. Why would I call you otherwise? The fact that you're a woman—"

"I'm not a woman."

He stroked my chin. "The fact that you are a woman doesn't change anything about how I feel about you. The reason you changed your gender bothered me to no end. I don't trust you when you said it was your choice."

"Luuk—"

"Who do you think you're lying to?" Luuk pulled me to sit beside him. "I see the same look in my brother's eyes for twenty-four years. Guilt. You do this out of guilt. But there's something else in there. I don't know what it is, but you can't lie to me and say you wanted this."

"I told you... I have to pay for what I did. This is the only way."

“You just proved my point.” He kissed my cheek. "I don't know why your father allowed you to do this, but you don't have to pay for anything. Nothing. Zilch. I don't know what happened when you were six, but whatever it was, it was an unfortunate accident. No child is capable of such sin as murder."

"But Jona died—"

He pinched my lips. "Shut up. I don't want to hear you say that again, ever." He leaned closer. "You don't have to hide in front of me. Maybe you were scared to be yourself because you didn't have a reason to fight for it. But now you have me, and you know I'll fight for you." His stubble grazed my cheek when he kissed the corner of my mouth. "Just watch me change your mind, Junko." He pulled out the watch he gave me from his pocket. "Take it back. Don't scare me like that again."

I shook my head. "But... it weight too much. It costs too much. I don't deserve such things."

"Good. Let it weigh a ton." He put the watch on the bedside table and kissed me under my ear. "Então você vai se lembrar que eu te amo mais do que isso." [So you'll remember that I love you more than that.]

My heart pumped faster with every word he whispered against my tattoo.

"Bear the burden, love. You deserve every single atom of the weight. I will sacrifice anything to keep you by my side. I could give you my life, and it still won't weigh the same as to what I feel for you."

I whimpered when he kissed my tattoo.

"I don't give a damn what you did in the past, what gender you are, what species you are. Fuck, you can be a demon from Hell and I will still love you the same. In God's name, I love you, Junko." He trailed kisses to my mouth.

In God's name... Is he your answer to all of my prayers, God?

I touched his stubbled jaw. His neck was feverish against my palm. "Luuk."

He hummed and ran his thick fingers through my hair.

"Amo-te". [I love you.]

His jaw hardened for a second, then his lips curved upward in a big grin. My heart missed so many beats, it was surprising I was still alive.

How do I deserve someone like this?

He kissed me, so I kissed him back. He pulled me onto his lap... or perhaps it was me who climbed onto it, I didn't know anymore. His hands slipped onto my back as he stroked my spine.

"Querida, dormir comigo." [Honey, sleep with me.]

It took me a while to process what he said. I mouthed a "What do you mean?" even when I knew what he meant.

He peppered kisses on my face. "It means let me fuck you, princess. Be mine. Let me show you how much love you deserve."

Princess.

I tried to find a response, but nothing coherent built up in my brain. I could only hear my own heartbeat. My face burned when he lowered me on the cold bed. We had kissed countless times, but he never looked at me this way—like he didn't have enough. He had never said it, but I knew he always respected my boundary. He knew I wasn't sexual on the outside, but he didn't know how torturing it had always been for me on the inside. I had pictured this scene countless times in my head— me being under his weight and him running his big hands all over my skin.

He climbed on top of me and we kissed for the whole minute. He peeled off his shirt when I trailed my fingers on his chest. His heartbeat was loud; it thumped so hard against his chest, I could feel every racing beat on my digits. He kissed down my chest, pushing my shirt upward and pulled it over my head.

I shivered when his lips brushed my belly button. I grabbed his shoulder. "Luuk, wait. My... My body is... different. I don't... look like a woman… or a man." My face burned. I closed my eyes when it became too overbearing to look at him.

It was a wrong (or maybe right) thing to say because he slipped his hand down my pajama pants. I gasped so loud when his fingers moved.

"Hhm? What's different about this?" He shrugged. "I'm a virgin. I wouldn't know nor do I give a damn."

"Luuk..." I clutched his wrist and squirmed below him. "I... I have never had sex before."

His mouth agape in shock. Then a big smirk formed on his lips. "Do you want me to stop?" he said, but his fingers never stopped.

He was unbelievable, but I just wanted his hands to not stop whatever they were doing. His scarred back felt so good against my palms, the bergamot on his skin smelled so good I felt drunk. I wanted to drown in his overflowing body heat when he pushed down my pants with his feet. I moaned and fisted his hair when he filled me with his finger. I was robbed of coherency, so I just wrapped my limbs around his torso and breathed a "No, don't stop" into his ear.

"I never planned on stopping." Then he kissed me again—every inch of my body.

For the whole night, he filled me with more than his fingers, more than his heat. He filled me with love I had never thought I deserved. He was right. I was not afraid to be myself at that moment.

Because somehow, miraculously, he convinced me that I deserved to be a woman that night.

-III-

João Cesar da Graça.

Every year, I would stand in front of his office, staring at his nameplate, trying to gather some courage to see him. Since I was ten, instead of being my father, he had been my doctor—my endocrinologist. I would see him for my annual health monitoring. Every staff in this clinic knew me as a transgender who was treated by my own father. They praised him for being supportive of my gender dysphoria.

They didn't know that it was him who was not happy with my gender.

Luuk was surprisingly calm this morning when I told him I would need to see my father.

"Go and make up your own mind, Junko. If he forced you into anything, he will have me to answer to. And if you made another stupid decision, I will change your mind regardless. So go make whatever decision you want."

Everything about me changed overnight. I had woken up in Luuk's arms this morning, and I had never felt so blessed. I woke up thanking God for giving Luuk to me. That man made me a woman when I was never a girl. And I wanted that life with him. The life I would face behind this door wouldn't let me have that.

This year, the reluctance to see my father was doubled. Still, I knocked on the door.

"Entre." [Come in.]

I pushed the door that seemed to weigh a ton.

"Jona. Você está aqui!" [You're here!] My father smiled as he circled his desk toward me. He hugged me.

The musk of his perfume entered my system, and as I dreaded, the smell calmed me. I had missed him. He filled that one spot I reserved for a father, the way Kurosaki-san filled it.

"Quando você chegou? Você não respondeu aos meus textos." [When did you arrive? You didn't reply to my texts.]

"Desculpe, pai. Meu telefone quebrou. Recebo mensagens e chamadas, mas não posso fazer nada para responder." [Sorry, Dad. My phone broke. I get messages and calls, but I can't do anything to answer.]

"I see. Buy a new one. You made me worry." He sighed and looked at my legs. "How're your legs? It has been ten months since the accident. Take off your jeans and lie down. Let me see them."

"They have been so much better. They hurt more now that it's winter, but it's bearable." I lay on the bed, flinching in pain from the remnants of last night's... activity.

He examined the scars on my hip. "What are these? Are you feeling well?" He touched the scattered red marks on my thigh.

I shrugged. "I don't know. Might be some bugs at Mom's grave yesterday. I wore shorts." I turned around as I pulled up my jeans. My face burned. I woke up this morning to a constellation of love marks all over my body.

I dismissed the embarrassing thought when my father gestured me to his desk. I sat, and he asked me about the Amazon. I told him everything about my expedition, leaving out a big part of it—Luuk.

"Let me check your blood pressure," he said a few minutes later. "When did you last have your parenteral shot?"

"Before I went to the Amazon. Fifteen weeks."

"That's three weeks over the threshold. You have your testosterone gel with you?"

"Yes."

"Good. I'm taking your blood." He cuffed a tourniquet around my arm before he took an empty syringe. "I'll have the nurse take you for a DXA in a while. Your bones should've healed by now, but let's monitor your bone density too just in case. I would need to lower your testosterone dose if needed. You want me to give you the shot?"

I flinched when the needle punctured my skin. With one slow pull, my blood filled the syringe. "I'll do it myself after Christmas. I'll get nauseous after the shot. I'm going back to America tomorrow. I won't feel good flying."

I didn't feel good now too when I glanced at the picture of him and the twins with Benedita on his desktop screen. I was nowhere in his life.

He nodded. "We're going back to Benedita's hometown tomorrow for Christmas. Why don't you stay in Lisbon a bit longer and celebrate Christmas with Kurosaki? He has always been alone since his daughter passed away." He pulled out the needle from my vein, and I held the cotton ball on my arm. He glimpsed at me as he dropped the used needle into the sharp bin under his desk.

"Sim, estou planejando ficar um pouco mais este ano." [Yes, I'm planning to stay a bit longer this year.]

"Eu enviar os gêmeos para Kurosaki para karatê. Você os viu na segunda-feira?" [I send the twins to Kurosaki for karate. Did you see them on Monday?]

My heart raced. I forced a smile as I stared at the huge cross on the white wall. "No. I just came here yesterday. I didn't know they joined karate. That's good."

My father scanned my face before he smiled. "Disseram-me que viram um irmão doente na frente da escola há três dias. Eu pensei que era você. Mas Benedita disse que era outra pessoa." [They told me they saw a sick brother in front of the school three days ago. I thought it was you. But Benedita said it was someone else.]

"I don't know who they met. As I said, I just reached Lisbon yesterday." I unrolled my long sleeve. I thanked God he had detached the heart rate monitor from my finger. "I won't see them without your consent." I stood when he phoned the nurse to take me for the bone density check-up. "Don't worry, Dad. I'm not planning on letting them know I exist."

He stood and approached me. "I love you, Jona. You're my son too, but you know it's better for them not to know who you are. You have your life, and they have theirs. They deserve to live without all the... twisted and unwholesome past in the family."

I wore my glasses when my eyes burned. "Thank you, Dad. I know. I'll not see them."

"You know why I do this. I'm just helping you repent from your past sins." He hugged me. "You're a good son, Jona. I couldn't be more grateful to Lord for that." He kissed my forehead.

I stared at the eyes I inherited from. I didn't know how he did it, but everything he said sounded sincere. When I knew he hated me for killing Jona, when he actually let me drown when I was a kid, he would always make me believed that he loved me every time we met. The love felt so farfetched when we were far from each other, but now that I was in his arms like this, it felt real. Sometimes, I just didn't want to get away. His love felt real, and it was the thing that kept me in this loop.

He just wanted his son, and I just wanted his love.