-I-

"Stand up," I said, sitting on the floor with a wooden plank in my hands. "Come on, little man. Kick it harder. You're just touching it, Mike. Bring your leg down fast and hit hard." I demonstrated it with my hand. "Like this. Fast and hard. Use your heel." I patted his ankle and pulled him up. "Again."

He tried for the fifth time and fell again. Myra and another black kid ran to him and helped him stand. Mike whined as his lips quivered. Tears started to well in his eyes. "No... I can't do it." He buried his face in his palms and sobbed.

Sadness clenched at my heart seeing him cry, but I focused on encouraging him. "It's OK to cry, Mike. But you can do this." I pulled his leg forward, so he would be in the kicking position. "You can do this."

"Harder, Mike," Noel said, patting Mike's back. "You didn't hit it hard enough. Come on. You can do it, kid."

"You can do it, Mike!" several kids said, and then they all started to chant his name while jumping and thumping the tatami mat. Some shouted words of encouragement: "Harder!" "Kick it!" "Let's get yellow belt together!"

"You hear that? Come on, Mike. You can do it," I convinced him.

Mike rubbed his wet, red face and kicked the plank with a small shout. He fell down on his butt, but the plank in my hands split into two. Adrenaline rushed to my legs; I stood up and yelled with the other kids, lifting up the broken plank above my head. Pride sprouted in my chest. His friends charged at him in a group hug.

"See? You can break it!" Noel laughed, ruffling Mike's hair as the boy sniffled on the floor under his mounting friends.

If there was one thing that I truly enjoyed about my life, it was seeing these children grow up with perseverance and fight their way up.

Mike's lanky father hugged him and heaved him into the air when the boy showed him the plank that he broke. Contentment rose in my heart, but my tongue tasted bitter from the scene. Never once did my father attend any one of the many awards ceremonies I took place in. It had always been Kurosaki-san or my mother. Despite the claim that he loved me the same way he loved my twin, my father had never made any effort to give me his attention. But somehow, I believed that he loved me. I always did. Still do.

Love feels true when it feels true. Nothing can change that.

"Sensei!" Myra ran to me. Her loosened uniform flew on her sides, exposing a navy blue princess shirt with a pink pony in the middle.

I bent over. "Yes?"

"You see mommy?" She gripped the side of my knees, bouncing off her small feet, looking around the occupied combat gym.

The earlier bitterness rose into my mouth again. This time, my eyes watered. Her mother, Miss Candace, had told me this morning that she wouldn't be able to stay, that she had to meet her client. She had stayed for only five minutes, then she left.

If I had Luuk's personality and bluntness, I would ask why she always behaved the way she did. I just wanted to understand why she was so insensitive toward her daughter's feelings. Last year, if I didn't stop him, Noel would've confronted her when she was five hours late to fetch Myra and strolled into the dojo with her boyfriend like nothing happened.

I looked over my shoulder and dried my welling tears. Then I faked my smile. "Your mom went out for a while. She told me to tell you that she will come back in a bit."

Myra stared at me with pink lips parting, then she looked down and sighed. For a second, her eyes looked much older. "OK." She shrugged and ran to the back of the dojo.

"Esa es una mala mentira," [That's a bad lie there,] Aarón said behind me.

I spun so fast, my legs almost failed to hold me straight.

As she passed us, Jesse Addair, Aarón's MMA trainee, held my arm when I almost fell.

"Thanks, Jesse. Sorry," I said to the tall Scottish woman.

She nodded and went out of the gym.

I looked at Aarón. "You're done with the MMA demonstration upstairs?" I glanced at the clock above the door. Almost noon.

He nodded as he stared at Myra. "¿No crees que es hora de que hagamos entrar en razón a su madre?" [Don't you think it's time for us to knock some sense into her mother?]

I looked at Myra who was talking to Chris's mother while demonstrating her karate punches.

"Eu não sei, Aarón. Nós conversamos com ela no ano passado, lembre-se? Nada mudou desde então. E... é complicado. Não é como ela está abusando Myra. A criança é saudável." [I don't know, Aarón. We talked to her last year, remember? Nothing's changed since then. And... it's complicated. It isn't like she is abusing Myra. The kid is healthy.]

"You saw her face. She's not happy. She's a kid, not a dumb doll. The bitch doesn't necessarily have to abuse her to be a shitty parent. She's neglecting her own daughter and responsibility. This is not a one-time thing. Not even twice. This has been happening for two years." Aarón held my shoulder. "You could empathize with Myra better than anyone. You know the poor kid isn't happy. Her mother didn't attend her belt promotion last year. She's not even here today." He clicked his tongue. "People like her mother and your father don't deserve to be a parent."

I sighed. "Aarón, please don't start again."

Aarón had been bitter after Thanksgiving. He had always been bitter when the end of the year approached. He hated my father with all his guts. Six years ago, I had to stop him from confronting my father after he learned what my father had made me do.

"I'm not taking back what I said cuz you know that's the truth. He didn't fucking call you for Thanksgiving this year too. Fuck, he never calls you for holidays. When was the last time you celebrated the holiday with him?"

"I'm the one who should call my elders. And he has his own family now, Aarón. My little brothers need him more than I need him. I don't mind spending the holiday with Karma. I'm used to it."

"It's not something to get used to. And aren't you his kid too? Did he even return your calls?" He inhaled. "Stop defending him. You're only his son when he wants to fix you." He was still staring at Myra with a heavy gaze. Then his tone was filled with... I didn't know what it was. Fulfillment? Hope? Vengeance? "You know why I'm so willing to let you be with Luuk?" A bitter smile formed on his lips. "Cuz it's not a bit of a stretch to say that that guy will raise a shitstorm from hell when he knows what your father did to you."

Goosebumps prickled my skin under the karate uniform.

"Jona, let's start with the belt promotion if you're ready," Noel called in passing as he headed to the dojo studio with new yellow belts in hands.

"A... A second." I grabbed Aarón's arm. "Aarón. Não lhe disse, pois não?" [You didn't tell him anything, right?]

He rubbed my arm. "No. Pero desearía haberlo hecho." [No. But I wish I did.]

Call it a gift, call it a godsend, but Aarón read people's emotions and personalities like an open book. He sees the best in people, he sees the worst in them, and he sees the truth. If you feel like a person is as nice as an angel, and he tells you that the person is a demon in disguise, you can almost take his words a hundred percent. He has never been wrong.

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

And he always said that I was humanizing what my father did to me. Yes, he wasn't wrong, but what he didn't understand was, it was because I needed to pay for my sins.

-II-

"Why are you not eating your breakfast, baby?" I kneaded Karma's ear. "You barely eat anything this week. Mamãe is worried about you."

Karma rested her head on my shoulder and whined. I wrapped my arms around her torso. To have Karma in my arms again felt like having half of my soul back. She had been sticking to me and Aarón like gum since we came back to Stanford. She would sleep with either of us every night. I knew she was afraid we would leave her again. It would take a lot of effort to gain her trust back.

Aarón entered the kitchenette in his pineapple boxers and headed straight to the freezer. Karma trod toward him. "Hey, nenita. You feeling better? Have you eaten?" He kissed her between her eyes. He then dropped Pop-tarts into the toaster.

I turned around and looked at the entrance. There would always be a half-naked woman walking out of that door almost every morning. But ever since I came back from San Francisco, Aarón didn't bring any woman home. And he didn't sleep with me either. I wasn't hoping for it, but it hurt my heart for some reason.

Changes surely take a lot of courage and time.

"Hey." Aarón snapped his finger in my face. "¿Todavía no ha comido nada?" [She's still not eating?]

"Yes." I looked at his freshly shaved face. "I mean, no. I tried, but she vomited. Aarón, I'm worried." I gripped his arm. "Let's take her to Madeleine tomorrow."

"I dropped by the clinic and made an appointment while you were in San Francisco actually. She said to bring her in today."

"What time is the appointment?"

"Ten." He juggled the hot pastry crust between his hands while blowing on it.

I peeked at the watch Luuk gave me.

So, an hour later, standing in front of the metal examination table, we got the most shocking news from Madeleine.

"She's perfectly healthy." Madeleine took off her frameless glasses after she discarded her medical gloves.

"No, she's not," Aarón demanded, whirling on his three-legged stool to face her. "She'd eat twelve cups of Eukanuba each day. This week, she only eats half of that."

"It's just her hormones. She's having morning sickness." Madeleine smiled.

"Why on earth would a dog have morning sickness? It's not like..."

"Yes, she's pregnant, Aarón."

"Oh, Dios mío. You didn't, did you?" Aarón asked when I was still dumbstruck.

We didn't spay her, but for some reasons I didn't really understand myself, I never thought she would get pregnant. She was the only big dog in the area, and we had always been with her when she went out for a walk. She had never interacted with other dogs before.

"What?" Madeleine said to Aarón. Her thin, sharp eyebrows twitched.

"You really breed my baby girl with your damn chihuahua!" He scoured the room as if he would catch sight of the blond dog. I really had no idea why he hated the poor chihuahua so much.

"Eh, I did not! Don't be ridiculous." Madeleine sat behind her oval desk. Then she laughed as she pushed her black bang from her eyes. I never described people as psychotic, but she always had this psychotic gleam in her eyes when she spoke in her sweet tone. "I was tempted to inseminate her, sure, but I'm a medical practitioner before I'm your friend. I can't do that without your consent. Jona is a reasonable guy, he would understand, but you would probably sue me for that." Then she said under her breath (but still clear enough for us to hear), "No fun."

"By what? How?" I asked. "I mean, what's the breed? She had never shown any attraction toward other dogs before."

"We just have to wait for a bit to know. I'll run a DNA test when she gives birth to the puppies. We might even recognize the breed from first glance." The blue pen she tapped against her teeth produced a cringeworthy beat. She was looking far but in no specific direction. "She didn't mate here in the clinic, I'm positive. The only possibility is when we brought her to Noel's sister's birthday party three weeks ago. There was an Alaskan Malamute next door."

"How many are there? The puppies?" I asked.

"I can't say for sure. You can come back in two weeks and we'll do an ultrasound to count them. If she mated to the Malamute, be ready to have giant pups."

"Oh, great. Another giant," Aarón said.

"You two have less than two months to come up with a decision. You can always surrender them for adoption. I can arrange it for you," Madeleine said while writing something on the prescription form.

"We'll think about it," I said after Aarón leaned his head sideways, sighing at me.

I took Karma's leash from Aarón as we reached the street. We walked to the park to have some shawarma for lunch. "Aarón."

"Yes?" He pushed the pedestrian crossing button and looked at me.

"Should we move into a bigger apartment?"

He was just about to cross the road when he stopped in his tracks. He scrutinized me until an old lady pushed his arm, but didn't apologize and simply walked away. Then he took my hand and crossed the road. We entered the busy park and joined the line to buy the sandwich. Every Sunday, the curbside parking spaces would be full of mouth-watering aromas from the food trucks, and people would have picnics around the big cupid fountain in the center of the park.

"Aarón? I asked you a question."

"Que--Jona. We've been together for a long time. You told me that you wanted to grow old with me, that you didn't want to get married because you can't have kids. I know that you've never loved me the way I do, yet that made me extremely happy. But things are different now."

"I don't... follow. What makes you think that things have changed?"

"You're in a romantic relationship with someone, and that someone is not me."

"Just because I'm in a relationship with Luuk, doesn't mean I'm marrying him or having kids. That's ridiculous."

Aarón paid for the sandwich, and we found a nice wraparound bench under a tree. "You have to start considering him in your life choices."

"Why? I don't understand. We've only been together for a bit over a month. He shouldn't affect my decision, nor should I decide for him."

"Jona. You indirectly rejected me for the second time to be with him."

I waited a few seconds for him to continue. "Un, so?"

He shook his head and swallowed the shawarma. "If you don't want to have a future with him, why did you accept him in the first place? You know you can always be true to yourself when you're with me. You don't need to keep any secrets, you don't need to lie. But no, you rejected me and you chose him. Why?"

"I..."

Why?

At that moment, I realized something was changing in me. But I pushed the instinct aside and tried to deny it when it smothered my throat. "Sometimes I don't even know why I let myself into this. This is a mistake."

Aarón shook his head. "It is not a mistake. You're you refusing to admit it. You should tell him the truth, Junko."

My stomach churned, and I lost appetite. I pushed my sandwich aside, and Karma sniffed and ate it. "He won't understand." I caressed her head as she was chewing the food.

"I'm sure he will."

"You don't even know him, Aarón. He doesn't trust people enough. He will think lowly of me if he knows that I lie to him."

Aarón rubbed his eye and said, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but you have to work on your attitude. You're being ridiculously selfish and delusional. What I was saying from the beginning is, it is not okay to exclude Luuk from the big choices you're making now, like... moving into a house with a man who loves you, who happens to be not your boyfriend. If you want to believe that I don't know what's in your mind, then fine. Lie to yourself. I won't lie to you. I know you damn well." He threw his sandwich's wrapper into a small garbage can a few feet away. Then he kneaded the tattoo on my neck. "I don't need to know Luuk for years to know that he is the guy who will give you your life back."

-III-

"I don't need to know Luuk for years to know that he is the guy who will give you your life back."

Pushing my laptop aside after several tries of having my thesis discussion written, I rested my head on Karma's neck. She smelled good. Like baby wash.

My phone vibrated under my pillow. Staring at the caller ID, fear snaked into my chest. My father had been calling me since yesterday. I needed to see him before the year ended. It was our deal every year. I muted my father's call and pushed the phone under my pillow again.

"Karma. What should I do?" I stared at her, and she sat straight, staring at me too. "I don't want to admit it to Aarón, but I'm crazily in love with Luuk. You met him once, right? You like him too. He's a jerk for calling you a beast, but he's sweet to me. He loves me." My voice broke at the word love. My heart palpitated, and I couldn't breathe as steady as a minute ago. I pulled out my glasses and covered my welling eyes. "Aarón is right. But I don't know what to do. Karma, it hurts." I heard myself sobbing before I felt tears rolled down my temple. I didn't even know why I was crying, but the searing pain in my chest was real.

Karma whined and shifted under me.

Luuk had awoken something dormant in me. Something that Aarón had managed to nudge at times; but Luuk had fully awoken it. After knowing Luuk, it was suffocating to live the way my father wanted it to be. It was smothering. For the first time in sixteen years, I wanted to kneel on someone's feet, on Luuk's feet, and beg him to save me from my father. For the first time after my mother died, I wanted to pray to God to give me some strength so I could tell Luuk the truth, and to fight for my own life.

I leaned into Karma's neck, my tears drenched her fur. "Luuk is religious. God... will listen if it's about him, right? I... I can still pray to God, right?"

Then the image of my boneca in pink dress sprawling next to my dead brother flashed in my mind. My father's deafening shout filled my ears. I clasped them shut and tightened my knees to my chest. I shuddered so hard as if the bed had been electrocuted. Then realization hit me.

"I can't change. That's selfish," I whispered to Karma, still cupping my ears. "I killed him. My father is right. That's my punishment."

My brother was dead, and I was his cadaver. I had to forever bear his ghost inside of me.