“Can I still put it in or would that be sexual harassment?”
My tongue twitches expectantly outside my mouth, inches from the face of the cute little dead girl. I was planning on kissing her but now that it turns out she’s actually alive, I don’t know if I’m still allowed to or not.
“That question is sexual harassment in itself!” the corpse complains back at me.
“I see... So you’re telling me to just shut up and put it in already?”
“No! I’m telling you to leave! This is my cell! I got here first, so go find a different one and leave me alone!”
I look around the cell. It’s simple and small, with nothing but a single bed on one side, and a desk and chair on the other. It’s exactly the same as all the other cells I had passed before finding this one occupied by a corpse.
“...”
“...”
“My name’s Pepper! Do you like, uh... peeling the soft, supple skin of young women? I heard that’s been kinda popular lately.”
“No! And I don’t care who you are! Leave! Surely even a mouth-breathing ape like you should be able to understand when you’re not wanted right?! Shoo, shoo! I don’t have any bananas for you, gorilla. Go bother somebody else.”
...
When I was a little girl, my sisters used to hold me up by the hair whenever I got too mouthy with them. I would swing my little fists fruitlessly in the air as they dangled me up at arm's length and lectured me about my behaviour. My sisters have always been much taller than me so it’s something they still try to do even now that I’m older.
I think this little dead girl could use one of those behavioural lectures.
“H-hey! I told you to leave! What are you—! Ow! S-stop that! Let go of me!”
"Tsk, tsk, tsk.” Waggling my finger disapprovingly, I grab a handful of her hair and lift her into the air. "That's not very nice, you know? Comparing a dynamite beauty like me to a monkey might hurt my feelings, you know? You wouldn’t want to hurt big sis Pepper’s feelings, right?”
“H-help! Somebody help! I’m being attacked by a gorilla! A stupid, ugly gorilla that doesn’t know the difference between an ape and a monkey!”
...
“Apologize! Apologize to the cute girl whose feelings you hurt!” I violently shake the talking corpse by the hair. “Why a gorilla?! Pick something cuter! Like a panda! Or a slow loris!”
“Ow, ow, ow! S-stop! Stop shaking me! And what the hell is a slow lo—!”
A sudden wet plop cuts her off.
I look down as the girl’s lifeless body crumples to the floor—just her body—her head is still held firmly in my grip.
“... Oops.”
“What do you mean oops?! The line for oops was crossed after you barged into my cell and assaulted me! We’re long past oops!”
Despite having her head ripped off, the girl continues to berate me.
“... Fweh? Why are you still alive?”
“Why are you still here?! Peh! Peh!” The head starts spitting at me. I make sure to diligently catch every discharged glob of stray spittle in my own mouth. Spitting is kind of like a long-ranged kiss in a way after all. And since kissing goes both ways—I spit back.
“Idiot! Gorilla! Meathead!”
“Fwahaha! Faster! Wetter! Let me put it in!”
After a full minute of back-and-forth spitting and cursing, we eventually reach a stalemate. Both of our mouths are too dry to continue... Or so my opponent thinks! Holding the head in one hand, I raise my other hand to my mouth.
“Fwahaha! You’re all out of juice but Pepper Black is a woman who always saves her trump card until the final moment!” I reach a finger into my mouth, ready to launch a surprise attack on my unsuspecting tonsil. “Get puked on, you little—!”
I feel a sudden tug on the back of my skirt. Turning around, I see—
----------------------------------------
“Fwah~! This pudding is really sweet!”
“Mm. It’s good.”
Seated back at her desk, the dwarf woman named Mei-Mei seems to be enjoying hers too.
“Oh. Sorry about ripping your head off and stuff. That wasn’t cool.”
“Y-yeah. I suppose I was unnecessarily rude to you as well. Sorry, I guess.”
Rubbing her neck with one hand and holding her pudding with the other, Mei-Mei returns my apology.
After our little spitting match, we reattached Mei-Mei’s head and sat down and ate a pudding together. She told me her name and, most surprisingly of all, that she wasn’t a little girl but an adult woman. A dwarf. A mysterious race of people that apparently built this whole Spire.
When I turn this place into my own personal harem-house, I'll have to ask her to teach me how all the crazy elevators and stuff work...
Like me, Mei-Mei only just arrived here today and seems to be suffering from some kind of Curse. One that turned her into a walking corpse. But that’s all I know for now. I plan on asking her more about it later, but pudding comes first!
“Even in death, I’m thankful I still have my taste buds.” With a satisfied look on her face, Mei-Mei finishes off the last of her pudding. “Thank you for the treat.”
“Fweh? Don’t thank me. These are your puddings. You gave one to me.”
“Hm? They’re definitely not mine. I thought you were the one who offered it to me but, now that you mention it... I can’t recall you doing that either. It’s like there’s a gap in my memory. Strange.”
A memory gap, huh? Thinking about it, it was a little strange how quickly we seemed to make up. One minute we were at each other's throats, the next minute— Pudding!
“Oh well.” Mei-Mei shrugs. “This is the Curse Ward, I guess. I suppose strange things are bound to happen in here from time to time.”
Like me, she seems fairly unbothered by the mysterious pudding too.
This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.
“Okay then!” I jump to my feet and walk over to the exit. “I guess I’ll go bother somebody else.”
“Appreciated.” Mei-Mei nods. “Oh, and as far as I know, there’s only one other here besides us. They came in shortly before me. I heard they were stupid enough to try to assassinate the Queen so be careful. Or don’t. I don’t really care either way.”
I walk out, leaving the dwarf woman alone in her cell to examine some kind of odd marking on her floor. I guess I'll ask her about that later.
“Fwahaha! Let’s find another head to rip off!”
I walk around the main room of the prison wing and peer into the cells. There doesn’t seem to be anybody else, alive or dead, in any of them. Passing by a doorway, I hear something from inside, and so I walk in.
On one side of the new room, a mirror stretches from one end to the other with a row of small basins below it. On the other side is a row of small stalls, with a door guarding the entrance to each one. The back of the room seems to lead off somewhere else.
Sniff sniff.
Smells like running water. This must be where we’re supposed to wash and poop, I guess.
From one of the closed stalls, I can hear somebody softly mumbling to themselves. I push on the door but it doesn’t budge.
“Ah... Occupied,” a man’s voice calls back.
I push again, but harder.
“E-eh? Did they not hear me..? Occupied! Somebody’s in here!”
I punch a hole through the middle of the door.
“Why?!” the man complains. “I haven’t been here an hour and I’ve already triggered some kind of event flag! I’m only taking a dump! Why now?!”
I put my mouth up to the hole I made in the door and call through the gap. “Hello! My name is Pepper Black! Do you like the soft, supple skin of young women?”
“What kind of event even is this?! What kind of flag did I raise?! It seemed like a violent one but it turned weirdly erotic somehow?!”
Hm. It’s hard to talk with the door in the way so I guess I’ll just get rid of it.
I grip the door from inside the hole and rip it from its hinges. It comes away easily and I toss it across the room. A visibly startled man looks back at me from inside the stall with his pants around his ankles, staring wide-eyed in shock.
“...”
“...”
“Hello! My name is Pep—”
“I heard you the first time! Ugh... What kind of flag even is this? I got my hopes up a little but this woman isn’t my type at all...”
I feel like I heard something really rude just now but I’m choosing to ignore it for the sake of not being spit on again. Being spit on by a man sounds gross after all, and I’d probably just end up killing him, I think.
“Um... Can we maybe do this after I’ve finished?” he says, pulling his shirt down to cover his exposed parts.
"Hm? Ah, sure. I don't mind," I reply, and wait patiently for him to finish his business.
“...”
“...”
“Um. Can you wait outside maybe? Being watched like this is kind of...”
“Fweh? Ah, I guess so...”
I exit back into the main room of the prison wing and wait for the man to come back out.
Humans must not like pooping in front of others, I guess. It makes sense. I heard weak animals will find secluded places to poop in private because it’s a time when they're most vulnerable.
Fwahaha! Not me though! Pepper Black is a woman who is strong even when pooping!
Finishing his poop, the man eventually comes out and greets me.
“H-hey... I’m Bran.” he introduces himself awkwardly. “Um... It’s you, right? You’re the one? I was expecting somebody a little different, but... It’s gotta be you, right?”
“Fweh? I’m the one what? Do you know me? Have we met before?”
That's weird. Before I came to the Outside, the only humans I've ever met were the odd adventurers making their way through the Underground near our home. Usually our 'meetings’ were them attacking me or my sisters out of nowhere and then promptly getting themselves killed and eaten by Mom because of it.
This guy does not look like the adventurer-type at all. In fact, he seems like whatever the exact opposite of the adventurer-type is. Thin, weak, and devoid of any kind of muscle definition. Mei-Mei said this guy was an assassin? I’m not sure I can believe that...
“N-no. We haven’t met, but... How do I explain this?” He scratches at his flaky, purple hair and begins pacing across the room. Following him, he eventually comes to a stop and turns back to face me again, pointing a finger in my direction. “The only reason I exist is because you’re talking to me right now, I think.”
Oh! Is this a confession of love? My very first ever! If you don't include Mom, that is. I think that kind of love might be a little different... Ah, I'm only interested in girls though, I'll have to turn this guy down lightly.
“Fwaha... I’m flattered, but you’re not really my—”
“No, no, no. Listen...” He starts pacing again and I follow closely behind. Eventually, coming to another stop, he points a finger at me once more. “This whole world revolves around you. You are literally the centre of our universe as we know it. Get it?”
“Don’t worry, I get it.” I give him a knowing nod and a pat on the shoulder. “Look. Bran, was it? You seem like a cool guy, but I'm the type who's more into cool girls if you know what I mean."
“... No? I don’t know what you mean.”
“I'm gay," I tell him bluntly. "I'm not into dudes."
...
“You don’t get it all! Nobody does!” he complains loudly. “And I don’t care! Nobody asked! I’m not into gorillas either!" He jabs a finger at my exposed abs, making sure to enunciate the word ‘gorilla’ with extra emphasis.
In the background, I can faintly hear what sounds like a small dwarf loudly cackling to herself as if she'd just heard something very amusing.
“... Mm. I’m ripping it off.”
“E-eh? Ah, sorry, I didn’t mean... It’s just that... N-nobody understands a-and— Ow, ow! That’s my hair. Why are you— Ow!?”
“Mm! I’m ripping it off!”
“It was a violence flag after all! Ow, ow, ow! S-stop! I only wanted to be in a rom-com! I still don’t know what genre this even is!”
As I start to rip the man’s head off, I feel a familiar tug at my skirt. Turning around—
----------------------------------------
“Fwah~! Sweet!” I shout, finishing off yet another pudding.
“It is, yeah.” Bran nods back in agreement.
The human named Bran... He’s not a cute girl but I guess that’s fine. Pepper Black is a woman who will kiss one thousand girls on the mouth and make one hundred friends after all! Friend-making is an important goal too!
As for Bran’s Curse—like me and Mei-Mei—apparently he does have one, but I don’t really get it. He tried to explain it to me but it only came across as more flirting. Maybe he isn’t Cursed. Maybe he’s just ill. Mentally. I suppose it doesn’t matter either way...
“Okay! I’ll take the room next to Mei-Mei!” I say, standing in front of my newly claimed cell. “Which one are you taking, Bran?”
“Ah... I guess I’ll take the one on the other side.”
“Take a different one!” Mei-Mei complains, stepping outside her cell. “You have the whole damn prison wing to choose from! Why pick the two next to mine?!”
“Fwahaha! If I move my bed to the other side of the room, it’s almost like we’ll be sleeping together! If I punch a hole through the wall, we might even be able to hold hands!”
“Being alone is kind of scary but being in the cell next to the gorilla is kind of scary too so this one seemed best, I guess... Huh? Now that I think about it... Being in the cell next to the zombie isn’t great either...”
“Keh. Idiots...” Mei-Mei sighs. “Apparently this place has a library so I’m going to find it. Don’t follow me!”
“I’m going to go beat on the door until food arrives! I hope it’s protein!”
“Eh? Ah, I was also going to find the... O-okay, I’ll just wait until you’re done, I guess...”
We all split up to go do our own things. I head towards the metal door at the entrance where I first came in, hoping to find something to eat. My first day in the Spire and I’ve already made three new friends! Mei-Mei the cute dwarf! Bran the weak human! And... Fweh? Three? Who was the third again? I think they had something to do with pudding...
I stick out my tongue in thought, the sweet residues of the tasty pudding still softly tickling my taste buds. Arriving at the door, a familiar sight immediately snaps me away from my thoughts—
“Fwah! The tree!”
—It's a tree.
Sitting in front of the door is a tree. Planted inside a bucket of dirt—about two goblins tall and as thick as my torso—is a tree. The same tree that had arrived with me in the carriage to the Spire.
“Fwahaha! And that makes four!”