“Ahem... Ms. Black, was it? Pepper Black? That is your name, correct?”

The uniformed man sitting across from me clears his throat before directing a question my way, flicking through his notebook on the table between us.

“Fwah! Trick question!” I reply without hesitation.

“What do you mean trick question?” he says, squinting up from his notebook.

I raise my shackled wrists above the table and waggle a finger at the man.

“Tsk. Tsk. Don’t think you can get me with that one so easily. I'm not stupid, you know. That cute guard from before told me it was right to remain silent.”

“No, you were told you have the right to remain silent! This isn't a riddle! There are no tricks, just answer the damn question!"

Standing up from his seat, the so-called ‘interrogator’ shouts down at me in exasperation—again. It's not the first time he's done this. He would ask me a question, I would answer, and then he'd get upset and yell at me for some reason. I feel like we've been running around in circles for hours now...

“Ms. Black, please...” the interrogator sits back down with a defeated sigh. “All I want to know is, what brings you to our town of Bredkrum? You can at least answer that, right?”

"Time," I answer confidently.

"Time..?"

"My sister told me about riddles. The answer is time."

The interrogator stands back up after hearing my answer and slams his notebook down on the table for some reason.

"Again, I'm not asking you a riddle! And if it were a riddle, that answer wouldn't even make sense! I just need—!" The interrogator cuts himself off and sits back down again with another heavy sigh. "Alright, Ms. Black, I understand what you're doing. You've certainly played me the fool this whole time. Well done."

Oh? Is he praising me? It looks like 'time' was the correct answer after all!

"Yes, Ms. Black, you are free to continue exercising your right to remain silent, but I have to warn you, it is in your best interest if you don't. As you know, you’re currently under suspicion of the murder and cannibalism of over forty missing adventurers. As well as the unidentified young man in your holding cell this morning. Unless you start explaining yourself, you'll be looking at life in Surstrom Prison.”

Fweh? Murder? Cannibalism? Did I do a thing like that? Was it the goblins? Are goblins like a protected species or something? Trish didn't warn me about that... Ah, there were all those not-goblin bodies in the goblin kitchen that I ate, of course. Humans and elves and stuff. But that doesn't count as cannibalism because they were already food when I found them. They were food bodies—not people bodies.

And what was that about the man in my cell this morning? This morning while looking for cute clothes, I know I threw up a guy who said he was from another world. In the end, I got my cute clothes—sailor uniform, he called it—and then I sent him back to his own world the same way he came in. He was fine when I sent him back so I don't know anything about a murder or cannibalism or anything like that...

Mistaking my quiet contemplation as defiant silence, the interrogator slams his notebook on the table—raising his voice at me once more.

"Remaining silent is meaningless with the amount of evidence against you right now! Do you even understand the situation you're in?!"

No! Not at all! I don't understand the situation I'm in one single bit! As far as I know, I haven't done anything wrong...

After leaving the goblin lair along with my jerky stash, I sprinted my way to the human town I had spied from above the treetops. Arriving at the entrance to the town, I was stopped by two armoured guards. One of them was really cute! After stopping me, they stripped me of Gumgum's cloak—the only clothes I had on me at the time—and told me I was ‘under arrest’. After that, they threw me into a stone room where I had to spend the whole night. In the morning, I threw up some guy from another world, sent him back again, and now...

Here I am. Clamped into these metal shackles while some angry guy with a stupid hat throws difficult riddles at me where the answer may or may not be 'time'. I still haven't figured that one out yet...

“From your silence, I'm assuming you don't believe we have the evidence? Fine. Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?” he sighs, flicking through his notebook.

Without a single word or prompt from me, the stupid-hat-interrogator starts reading off of his notebook while I listen in. Maybe this will hold some kind of clue as to what I did wrong...

“After arriving at the town gate early yesterday afternoon, you were stopped by two of our officers. It says here that, let’s see... A suspicious individual approached the west gate, laughing in a crazed fashion. They were completely naked, aside from a cloak appearing to be made from human hair. It was later confiscated as evidence.”

As if trying to gauge some kind of reaction, the interrogator pauses to look up at me, before flicking back to his notebook. I continue to listen on in confused silence.

“When the suspect arrived, they were without clothing and completely covered in blood. Believing they had been the victim of another goblin attack, they were offered medical assistance. The suspect refused, stating that 'the only assistance they needed was a kiss on the mouth from a cutie in uniform' towards the female officer on duty. Taking a strip of dried meat from behind her ear, she slowly forced the mysterious meat into the protesting officer’s mouth, stating that 'it was made with tender love and care’. The female officer in question has requested leave, and is now seeking therapy over the interaction.”

The interrogator flips a page and continues to read out of his notebook. I start to sweat a little as I realize what it is I'm guilty of...

“After being stripped of all possessions—consisting entirely of dried meat—the suspect was apprehended and taken to a medical bay to be cleaned and checked for injuries. Claiming she was an ‘especially dirty girl’ and needed assistance in bathing herself, she requested a number of female officers be present while she did so. After being bathed, the suspect received a medical check-up, showing no visible injuries. All clothes provided to the suspect were rejected, claiming that all of the articles provided 'just aren't cute enough.' All female officers and medical staff assigned to the suspect have claimed to have suffered varying levels of sexual harassment. The confiscated meat in question was then later identified to be mostly goblin—although with faint traces of human too.”

The interrogator looks up from his notebook and leans back in his chair, glowering over at me as I fidget nervously with the shackles around my wrists.

“The report carries on with much of the same. The cloak they confiscated was later identified as being made from the scalps of the missing adventurers. The faecal matter in your holding cell was identified as containing goblin meat, along with human, elf, and wolfman. The incident in your holding cell this morning is just another piece of evidence to add to the already damning pile. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

“That’s not true...” I say, puffing out my cheeks in a pout.

The author's tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

“Ms. Black, we have plenty of physical evidence to prove that—“

“I didn’t sexually harass those women! That’s not true! I was only flirting! Flirting! I never went that far!”

This time it’s me who slams my hands on top of the table in frustration—the interrogator looking a little taken aback by my sudden outburst.

“O-okay... Well, that’s not really important right now, Ms. Black. I’d like to focus more on the murder and—“

“What even is sexual harassment anyway?! I don’t get it!”

“Ms. Black, never mind that. Can we move on to—“

“I thought they were playing hard to get! I thought we were all having fun! I was only trying to—!”

“Ms. Black!” the interrogator cuts me off. “Ahem... Ms. Black, what’s important is the traces of missing adventurers we found amongst your belongings and inside your excrement. What do you have to say about that?”

Moving my flirting frustrations aside for the meantime, I think his words over. I don't know anything about any missing adventurers, but those belongings he's talking about must be Gumgum's cloak—the one made of scalps and stuff. I don't really get why that would be an issue though. Skinning stuff to make clothes is normal, right? As for my excrement... Hm? Hold on...

“Wait, that's poop, right? You're talking about my poop?”

"Yes, Ms.Black..." he sighs. "We found traces of human, elf, and wolfman meat inside your... poop. Yes."

"... How though?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

“Let’s just say, some of our officers are a lot more sensitive to smells than their human counterparts and...” With a light scowl on his face, the interrogator removes his hat and places it on the table next to his notebook, revealing two fluffy brown ears sticking up above his head. “... I, unfortunately, have a vested interest in this particular case.”

Fwah! A wolfman! I know they're a race of dog people that have varying levels of wolf and man in them but it's my first time seeing one! A live one at least! I’ve heard that these guys can look anywhere between mostly-human, to full-on walking, talking, two-legged dogs. The interrogator in front of me is sitting right on that mostly-human line, it seems. If it wasn't for the doggy ears and keen sense of smell, he'd basically just be another human.

Crossing my arms as best I can with the shackles around my wrists, I give the man an accusing glare. Wolfman or not, there is something I find a little hypocritical...

"You sniffed my poop?" I ask. "That’s sexual harassment.”

...

“Alright, this is pointless.” the man huffs, slamming his notebook shut. “For the crimes of the murder and cannibalism of the forty-seven missing adventurers thought to be lost to monsters over this past month, you will be sent directly to Surstrom Spire. There will be no trial. There will be no further investigation. You will spend the rest of your days behind bars on the highest floor of the Spire. Do you understand?”

Fweh? Surstrom Spire? Is that a place in town? Is it close by? I don’t understand at all! From what I can gather, I've been arrested and sentenced to prison for the sexual harassment of multiple women. That was my bad! I shouldn't have done that! But I still feel like there's a lot about this situation I'm just not getting at all. Man, I wish somebody smart like Trish were here to— Fwah!

“Oh! Trish!” Remembering why I came to this human town in the first place, I blurt out my sister’s name.

"...Trish?"

"My sister! I was supposed to go shopping with her in this town so she should be here somewhere! Trish is smart so she'll be able to explain everything! She has black hair and red eyes like me! She's got really cute freckles and she wears glasses all the time! She's tall too! Like, two-and-a-half goblins tall! She likes to drink a lot! She's probably drinking somewhere right now! We call her Liquor Trish as a joke sometimes because it's kinda cute! Oh, and she—!"

"Is that your sister?"

The interrogator interrupts me, gesturing to something over my shoulder. Following his gaze, I spot the poster plastered on the wall behind me. The word 'WANTED' is written in large letters above an accurate drawing of a drunk-looking woman with black hair, red eyes, and cute freckles, who is clearly and unmistakably the alcoholic sister I know and love.

“...”

“Barred from every inn, tavern, and bar in Bredkrum, a woman wanted for countless cases of drunken assault and vandalism over twenty years. We did notice a suspiciously tall woman trying to avoid us lately. You're saying you know this woman?"

“I’ve never seen that woman before in my life,” I lie. “It must be a different two-and-a-half goblin tall woman with red eyes, black hair, and cute freckles called Trish.”

Forget cleaning up my mess, Trish has been the instigator of an ongoing mess that’s been twenty years in the making! Clean up your own mess first, Trish! I’m starting to think the only reason she agreed to take me into town was because she wasn’t allowed inside in the first place!

This time it's my turn to sigh.

Well, whatever. I don’t really get it but I’m sure It’ll be fine. In fact, I’m sure it’ll even be fun too! The world is filled with cute girls and protein! As long as I have those, Pepper Black is a woman who can have fun whenever and wherever she wants to! Fwahahaha!

And if it turns out not to be fun, I can always just leave! I mean, it’s not like these shackles are actually doing anything. More of a fashion statement than anything, really. They seem like something Koffy might wear. My eldest sister’s really been into this kinda stuff lately...

“I see..”

Placing his hat back on his head and taking his notebook with him, the interrogator stands up out of his chair and makes a move towards the door.

"Well, is there anything else you’d like to say before we send you away for good?" he asks. "Not that it really matters at this point.”

I think over his words carefully. There is one thing I wanted to get off my chest before they send me off to... wherever it is they’ve decided to send me to. Surstrom Spire or whatever.

“I think... I think I want to apologize.”

Pausing at the door, the interrogator's eyebrows raise a little at my sudden sincerity.

“Hmph.” he huffs. “Apologies aren’t going to save you now but if you truly do feel remorseful over the people you killed then you can—“

“I want to apologize to the cute guard at the gate!” I climb onto the table on my hands and knees and prostrate myself in apology. “When she was asking me questions I thought she was flirting back but now I realize she was only doing her job!”

“Somebody please get this woman back to her holding cell...”

"I want to apologize to the cute doctor who asked if I felt okay and I told her to feel me and find out herself!"

“Somebody! Please get this woman back to her holding cell!”

"I want to apologize to the cute blonde who was crying as she washed my back because I wouldn't stop moaning every time she scrubbed off another layer of dried blood!”

“Anybody! Get this damn idiot the hell away from me!”

“I want to apologize to— Fweh!”

A group of guards storm into the room and start dragging me off the table. I continue to apologize as they drag me away.

“I want to apologize to the cute redhead in the opposite cell who asked to move to a different one because I wouldn’t stop bouncing my pecs every time she looked across at me!”

“Notify Surstrom’s warden immediately! Have them send the prisoner cart on the next available—!”

“.. and when they finally moved her to another cell, I didn’t stop! I pressed my chest against the wall and kept bouncing them! Faster! With more intensity! Like this!” I show the guards my passionate pectoral dance as they continue to force me out of the room. “I wanted the vibrations of my love to reach her no matter how far apart we were!”

“Tonight! We’re sending her tonight!” the interrogator yells. “Forget protocol! Use one of our own carts, just get her the hell out of here!”

Shackled and bound, the guards drag me along the floor and out of the interrogation room—the rhythmic pumping of my trained chest muscles sending gentle pulses vibrating through the air as I continue to confess my sins before them.

To all the blameless victims of my lustful display of sexual harassment, may these tender vibrations find you. May they serve as an apology for my regrettable actions.

I pray that these feelings reach you, wherever you may be.

For the sole crime of sexual harassment, Pepper Black will dutifully serve her time in Surstrom Spire and return a changed woman!

Fwah... Surstrom Spire...

...

Oh! I wonder if there are any cute girls there? My mouth is watering just thinking about it!