I bang loudly on the big metal door serving as the one and only exit to the debris-littered garden of Cursed criminals I’ve come to know over these past couple of months—the Curse Ward—a prison wing on the second-to-last floor of Surstrom Spire, an insane heaven-piercing mega-prison that all the biggest, baddest criminals and delinquents eventually end up finding their forever home in.
However! Pepper Black is a woman who already has a forever home and it isn’t here! It’s a little more free, a lot less up, and it's where my sisters and Mom are probably waiting for me to come back to right now! Not that I plan to return just yet though... There are so many more things I want to do in the Outside first!
The original plan was to turn the Spire into my very own harem house—more of a vacation home than a forever home—where I could return to at any time and kiss my way through one hundred floors of cute girls until I'm fully satisfied!... But I can put that plan on hold for now. As long as the Spire is here, I can always come back later! Right now the plan is to break out of here. And to break out of here...
Mei-Mei joins me in banging on the door with her little fists. “Hey! I know you’re out there! Open up!”
A small metal hatch to the left of the door slides open and an annoyed-looking guard pokes his face up to the opening.
“Tch. Whaddya want?” he asks in a grump. “Warden says we’re not s’posed to talk to you lot no more. ‘Specially after what happened yesterday.”
“Hey!” Sliding open an identical hatch to the right of the door, a second guard on the opposite side presses his face up against the new opening and yells across to the other. “Stop talking to the prisoners! We’re going to get in even more trouble, I daresay! Have you already forgotten why we were moved up here in the first place?! I don’t want our punishment to be upgraded to the hundredth floor instead! Did you not hear about what happened here yesterday?!”
“’Course I heard about it! The whole damn Spire got an hour-long earful on it! About being extra careful around Curse Ward an’ all that.”
“Well, clearly you needed a two hour earful, I daresay! Shut that hatch and ignore the prisoners until the Warden says otherwise!”
“Tch. Yeah, fine. My bad.”
Hm? I feel like I recognize these two for some reason. They’re...
“Fwah! It’s you two! The elevator guys!”
They’re the guards that brought me all the way up from the first floor when I first arrived here. The ones who took me up all those elevators and argued with each other the whole time.
“Huh? Oh, right. I remember you.” The guard stops himself from sliding the hatch shut once he recognizes me. “Figured Curse Ward’d be treating you pretty rough but, from the looks of it, you’re the one what’s been treating it rough! Haha—! Ow.”
“Stop talking!” the other guard hisses from the other side. “You wolfmen are always so boneheaded, I daresay! You and the Warden both! We’re nearing the switchover time so just shut the hatch and stand there quietly until it’s time for us to leave.”
“Well, you heard the elf,” the first guard says. “Your daily food an’ whatnot should be showing up soon so just sit quiet until—”
"Dammit, pick me up already, idiot! I need to talk to them!" Mei-Mei interjects from far below the eye level of the hatch as she kicks at my ankles while aggressively snuffing her cigarette butt against the back of my thigh. Doing as she asks, I pick her up beneath the arms and hold her out in front of me.
“... The other way, stupid...”
“Ah. Right.”
No longer face-to-face, I turn her around so that she’s facing the guards in front of us instead.
“Oh! It’s one of them dwarves! Let’s ask them about—”
“No! We’re not asking them about anything, I daresay! Not the Spire, the elevators, or—!”
“Shut up and listen, dumbasses!” Mei-Mei snaps from between my grip. “Look, our friend was found dead in his cell this morning. The shock from yesterday’s events must have caught up with him. We need you to remove the body before it becomes a problem.”
The guards' eyes flick between each other from either side of the two open hatches.
“I see. We’ll alert the Warden immediately then,” one says, before reaching out to close his hatch.
“Wait.” The other stops him. “Who’s gonna tell the Warden? ‘Cause I’m not bringing up ninety-nine to that guy unless he asks. What if he bursts into flames again? I don’t wanna deal with that.”
“... Neither do I, I daresay.”
The two guards pause in thought for a while before speaking up again.
“This will have to be dealt with at a later date. The Warden is... very busy right now. Too busy to deal with this issue, I daresay.”
“Keh! Is that so?” Mei-Mei crosses her arms. “He must be very busy indeed if the threat of a prison-wide epidemic isn’t considered an immediate priority.”
“W-whaddya mean epidemic?”
“Oh? So I guess you are as stupid as you look. That seems to be a running theme in this prison,” Mei-Mei scoffs. “Have you ever seen a dead body? I’m sure you’ve had to remove them from other prison wards before, right? And I’m sure you know they’re not all as pretty and well-behaved as me. To put it simply, bodies rot. They go bad, and when they go bad, everybody around them goes bad too. Get it? Widespread disease isn't exactly a good look for a packed-out prison. And don't think these walls will stop it from spreading to the other floors either. Because they won't. Perhaps it'll even spread to the floor above us too. I wonder how that might turn out..."
The guards flick a nervous glance towards each other again before turning back to Mei-Mei.
“W-wait here a bit,” one guard says before turning to his partner. They both exchange a brief nod before sliding their hatches closed. Flexing the muscles in my ears, I can hear the hushed argument taking place on the other side.
“Whaddya wanna do? Tell him?”
“Not really, no. He’s just going to get angry if we bring up ninety-nine so soon, I daresay.”
“How ‘bout the floor captain? Wanna tell him instead?”
“... I don’t want to talk with that guy either, I daresay.”
“Yeah, dude’s a prick. Definitely compensating for somethin’ with that sword of his I reckon.”
Leaning forward, I whisper in Mei-Mei’s ear. “Is it true? About the epidemic or whatever?”
“Keh! Of course not,” she whispers back. “You surface idiots will believe anything a dwarf tells you.”
“Hey. I’m not from the surface.”
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“Is that so? I guess you’re just a regular idiot then.”
Coming to some kind of decision, the guards slide their hatches back open and push their faces up against the opening again.
“We’ve decided to take the body and deal with it ourselves. We’ll tell the Warden about it when he’s in less of a... mood. I can’t foresee a solution that doesn’t result in us getting lectured again, but this one seems like it will lead to the shortest lecture, I daresay.”
“We’re taking the body but you have to drag it over here and back away before we open up! Don’t want you pullin’ nothin’ weird.”
“Hm? It’s been here the whole time."
“Eh?” At Mei-Mei's words, the two guards squeeze themselves up against their hatches and look down at our feet where the limp, unmoving body of Bran is already sprawled out face-down across the floor. Their eyes narrow as they look over the body suspiciously. “Hmm...”
“It does look quite dead, I daresay...”
“Yeah, ‘spose it does. It’s even starting to smell a bit.”
“You’re right. I can smell it from here, I daresay.”
I look down to the body at my feet.
“...” Bran’s nose twitches a little before furrowing his brow slightly—as if subtly sniffing himself and not finding anything wrong—a gesture only me and Mei-Mei can see as his face is turned towards us.
“Hmm... Kick it,” one of the guards orders. “Just in case.”
“Uh...” Still held out in front of me, I look to Mei-Mei, who just shrugs back with a blank face. I look down at Bran—
“....”
There’s no response. It’s just a corpse.
Sorry about this, Bran. I’ll make it up to you later. Maybe.
I kick Bran’s body. Since he’s facing the floor, there isn’t really a great place to kick him that won't hurt so he’s just gonna have to tank this one to the ribs. With a soft thud, the body jerks a little from my kick.
“...” Bran continues to play dead, but his eyes are watering a little and I can tell he’s gritting his teeth.
“Hmm... Seems pretty dead to me.”
“Yes, the only way somebody could quietly take a kick like that without reacting is if they were somehow used to being spontaneously attacked in the ribs for some reason, I daresay. Though that seems unlikely...”
“Y-yeah. Don’t be ridiculous...” I stutter, trying my best to avoid eye contact with the body on the floor intensely glaring daggers up at me right now.
“Very well,” one guard says, giving a short nod. “You two stand back. We’ll open the door now and give the body a quick—”
“Wait,” the other cuts him off, holding up a finger.
“... What is it? We’re opening the door now. It’ll be easier to give the body a proper look that way anyway, I daresay.”
“There’s just one thing bothering me about this dead body though. If it really is a dead body...”
“... And what’s that?”
Both of the guards squint down at the unmoving body of Bran with newfound suspicion. Bran gives a little gulp, a tiny bead of sweat forming on his forehead.
“Well, I heard that when somebody dies they end up making a bit of a mess, right? And by ‘mess’, I mean—” The guard points a finger through the opening at the motionless Bran. “—this one’s pants are clean. He’s not pissed or shit himself like a dead body’s s’posed to, right?”
“Keh! That doesn’t mean anything! They don’t have to—!” Mei-Mei begins to argue but is quickly cut off by the other guard.
“You're right. I've heard the same thing. Something about the muscles in the body relaxing after death, I daresay."
“Hmm...” Narrowing their eyes in suspicion, both guards look down at the motionless, un-messed body on the other side of the door.
Fweh? Is that true? Thinking back, a lot of my life back home in the Underground was just as much being covered in the blood of my enemies as it was being covered in the poop of my enemies too. I just thought goblins liked pooping a lot. Maybe it’s nature’s way of cleaning my food for me before I eat it. Neat!
“Actually...” One of the guards shakes his head. “The Warden did tell us to be cautious around ninety-nine. I think we will wait until a later date to—”
“Ah! Wait! Look there!” Everyone is suddenly drawn to the waggling finger of the other guard as he shouts in excitement. Following his focus, all eyes end up back on Bran. Still lifeless. Still unmoving. However—
I watch as a single tear rolls across Bran’s face, sliding gently down the side of his cheek and into the small puddle slowly forming around him. An odd lump begins to form in the back of his pants, causing them to sag slightly in one place.
I hug Mei-Mei to my chest and clench my fists, fighting to hold back my own tears. This sight, this smell, I burn it into my soul and make a promise deep within my heart to never forget the sacrifice that was made here this day.
“It’s poop,” I sniffle. “Poop and wee.”
Mei-Mei buries her face into one hand and shakes her head, clearly just as deeply moved by Bran’s heroic display of courage and bravery as me. The two guards shoot each other an awkward look and then turn back to me, still fighting back my tears.
“Y-yes, it is. I suppose he really is dead then, I daresay. Sorry.”
“Y-yeah. Sorry about your friend. Guess you were telling the truth... We’ll take him out now. Just give us a sec.”
With an apologetic look, the two guards shut their hatches and I hear some muffled movement from the other side.
“You know...” Face still buried in one hand, Mei-Mei speaks in a hushed whisper just loud enough for me and Bran to hear. “That wasn’t really necessary. They believed the lie about the epidemic. All I had to do was—”
I push a finger to Mei-Mei’s lips and shake my head. “Shh. There’s nothing you could’ve done for him. It’s not your fault.”
“No, I mean, it was all going to plan. I just had to keep pushing the idea of—”
“Shh. It’s not your fault. This was the only way.” I turn to the body. “Right, Bran?”
“...”
There’s no response. It’s just a corpse.
One of the hatches slides open again and a guard calls through the gap. "We're opening up now so back away from the door."
With Mei-Mei still in my arms, I take several paces away from both Bran and the door. We both look on anxiously from a distance as the clunking and thunking of various locks being undone comes to a stop and the thick metal door pulls to the side. Two armoured guards step through the doorway, one of them carrying a large black bag.
Pinching their nose, the guard with the bag gestures to the other one. “Alright, you grab the feet, I’ll grab the arms. Watch you don’t step in anything. We’ll put him in the bag and then—”
“This guy’s not dead,” the other says bluntly, looking over the body. “He’s breathing.”
“What do you—? Oh. You’re right. He’s breathing.”
The two guards stare down awkwardly at the body of Bran at their feet. Even from this distance, I can see the uncomfortable trembling of Bran’s brow as he tries pointlessly to keep up his cover.
Now that I think about it, it was pretty obvious from up close that Bran was still alive. The only reason the guards were buying it up until now was because they were on the other side of the door.
After spending some time cussing out the clearly-alive inmate rolling around in his own filth, the guards hurl some extra verbal abuse in mine and Mei-Mei’s direction before stomping angrily back through the door and slamming it shut once again.
A heavy silence falls over the Curse Ward, disturbed only by the weighty thunking of locks being reset and the familiar gentle sobbing of an unhappy Bran.
Setting Mei-Mei down on the ground, I walk over to Bran still lying on the floor, tears streaming down his face—a complete mess in more ways than one. Slapping my bare feet across the wet floor, I squat down in the puddle next to him and rub his back.
“You did good,” I tell him with genuine respect. “Nice poop.”
“...”
“I mean it! The plan went perfectly because of you! Right, Mei-Mei?"
“Y-yeah...” Mei-Mei agrees, wandering over and standing beyond the edge of the puddle. “In the end it still worked out. Well done. You did great.”
“... plan?” Bran mumbles something inaudible between sobs.
“Hm? What was that?”
“What even was the plan?!” Bran cries, flailing around in his own waste. “What went perfectly?! What did I even accomplish?! Nothing good came from this at all! How did this bring us any closer to breaking out?! What was the point to any of this?!”
Mei-Mei opens her mouth to say something and then closes it again. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a piece of paper with her name on it. As her eyes scan the paper, her brow furrows and she tilts her head in confusion before trying to put it back in her pocket. I quickly snatch it out of her hand and hold it up so me and Bran can read it.
Step 1: Trust in myself (genius)
Step 2: Everybody escapes
It’s just as useless as the one she gave me and Bran.
“W-well, uh... We were supposed to get the door open, and then..." Mei-Mei winces through a scrunched-up face. "I don't remember what was supposed to happen after that. Sorry.”
...
Fweh? What was the point to any of this then? We are still breaking out today, right?
... Right?