The only light in this particular tunnel that I could see was that Zhou Cheng had managed to convince Tian Mingfei to hold off getting involved.

An undeniably minor victory, but really, the last thing I needed was to trade pointers with that battle maniac. It was enough having to fight my new 'juniors' in a two-on-one. Given we were all in Qi Condensation - even if I was nearing the peak of that - none of us were really throwing around big flashy techniques or anything, which meant we were basically just trading blows, which really felt like an excuse for me to get beat up... if that was what was happening, I suppose.

If you'd asked me earlier, I would've said that fighting two opponents similar to my level at the same time would've been a terrifying prospect, but honestly, in this specific situation, it's not so bad. My saving grace is that Hou Bohai and Mo Jianyang… probably spent as much time getting in each other's way as they did coming at me.

I'd chalk it up to inexperience and a lack of teamwork, but I'm pretty sure they were doing at least some of it deliberately.

Hou Bohai lunges straight at me, but I simply step to the side and he collides rather comically with Mo Jianyang, who was trying to get me from behind with an overhand chop, and the two of them immediately start snarling at each other, wooden swords raised. The swords were because they were swordsmen, apparently, in that incredibly generic way - I know swords are the 'gentleman's weapon' or whatever, but come on. Have some variety, like me! I'm not armed with a sword.

I'm armed with a wooden spatula. It's the only thing I had on hand that was weapon-like, outside of a pan, and it felt fairer to go wood versus wood.

It also makes it easy to give them both a smack each, but it does make me feel like I'm spanking them for being naughty more than I am actually fighting them.

I'm pretty sure they feel the same way, given their angry snarling and redoubled efforts to land an actual blow on me. Now if only they directed that energy at me…

"Get out of the damn way, you oaf!"

"Me?! You get out of the way!"

In a matter of seconds, they're at each other's throats again, wooden swords held with all the menace of live steel - and it wasn't like you couldn't do some actual damage with one. Just because you couldn't slice someone open didn't mean you can't bash their skull open.

"You know, I don't really think you're getting through to them," I say blandly, glancing over to where Zhou Cheng is ostensibly refereeing the match.

He scrunches his face up in adorable confusion. "I don't know why. Is the prize not enough?"

I roll my eyes a little. "I'm pretty sure you're the only person who would fight seriously for something like that."

That just gets him to pout a little. "But Lian-er's nian gao is the best…"

That may be so, but I don't think they care. "I think if you want to motivate them, maybe some kind of cultivation resource?" Zhou Cheng is easily motivated by sweets, but all cultivators are motivated by power and the means to get it.

Even I am motivated by such things, although I'm hardly all that motivated by them. I'm not going to risk my life for it, but you know. It'll make me get up at least, and that's a start.

"What resources do we even have to offer?"

Admittedly, not all that much but… "Why not offer to take them on a Hunt then? I doubt anything in the area will suit you, Cheng-ge, but with your assistance, they could take down stronger beasts and reap the rewards."

He gives me a faintly surprised look - what's so surprising about that, Cheng-ge? "I never thought I'd see the day you suggested going on a hunt," he says simply, with a marveling tone.

"Oi." I'd reprimand him harder, but Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee are about to actually come to physical blows, so I head towards them to break them up. "Okay, you two, remember who you're supposed to be fighting here-"

As one, they both whirl towards me, swords swinging. For a moment, I begun to suspect this may have been an actual trap… but both of them put that idea to rest with their war cry.

"STAY OUT OF THIS, FATTY!"

Now that's just rude. It actually resembles a coordinated attack though, so I am actually forced to defend myself a little - but even then, all I do is step towards one and away from the other.

It's not as though Hou Bohai is going to pull his strike if it looks like he's going to hit Mo Jianyang after all - and that's exactly what happens. Before Mo Jianyang can retaliate, I strike him as well, smacking him on the arm as a 'gentle' reminder that I'm supposed to be the target here.

And then a smack to Hou Bohai as well, because he probably needs that reminder just as much. "Are you two even trying?" I taunt, "This humble fatty works up a bigger sweat in the kitchen!"

That works well enough to get their attention back on me, but it hardly helps them actually coordinate. I'd say they spend more time hitting each other than they do me, but they don't actually hit me at all. The closest they get is a few actual attacks made in my direction that don't end up hitting the other, and those I can still parry or dodge without much concern because they're usually followed by the other one hitting them.

It's a lot like watching one of those old school slapstick routines - just a pair of clowns bumbling over each other. Of course, if I said that out loud, I'd probably have enemies for life - there are limits to insults, after all. Even if the insult is the truth. A little taunting is all I'll do.

Eventually, Zhou Cheng claps his hands and brings the 'training' to a close for now. "Four hours and neither of you have managed a single blow against Lian-er. What do you have to say for yourselves?"

If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

"If this monkey hadn't gotten in the way, I could've laid Hei Lian out flat!"

"You dare?! I had him dead to rights when you blundered into me!"

Aaaand off they go again. "Cheng-ge," I begin quietly whilst the two of them bicker and argue much more loudly, "I don't think they're going to work together - and honestly, is there a reason they should? They're from different Sects. Everyone has people they don't get along with. It's not wrong to not get along."

He grumbles. "It's not that I want them to get along - I just want them to stop fighting each other over every little thing."

"Perhaps it's a lost cause?" They haven't escalated to blows yet, but they look like they're about to. That, or kiss. They are basically nose-to-nose right now. I know which I'm betting on though, and it's not the latter.

Zhou Cheng groans a little, and claps his hands again. "Stop arguing; you're both equally terrible." That's… probably not going to help, Cheng-ge. "But perhaps what you need is better motivation. If you can land a single blow on Lian-er in the next… ten minutes, then I'll take both of you on a Hunt with my Senior Sister, Tian Mingfei."

Please stop using me as the sparring dummy here. Why can't you do it, Cheng-ge?!

"But," he continues, holding up a finger to hold off their intense looks, "If either of you strikes the other… then instead, I'll have Sister Tian run you through her training drills for three days."

They didn't seem particularly concerned about that, but they would learn. I'm a little surprised she isn't here already really. She seems like the kind of person who could smell out violence and immediately join in.

I let out a small groan and dust myself off and ready the spatula like it's a sword. "Fine, fine. Come at me whenever you're ready - or perhaps consider coming up with a plan of attack first?"

The two of them glance at each other, eyes narrowed and spite practically radiating from them.

"... We'll take turns," Mo Jianyang mutters, and - surprise of surprises - gets a nod from Hou Bohai. After a moment longer, he even nods back, with an air of incredible begrudgement. "You… go first."

It's a Christmas Miracle! They're actually… sort of maybe coordinating!

Hou Bohai puffs his chest out, which looks adorably ridiculous given he's what, twelve, and levels his sword at me. "Then prepare to face my Riptide Style unimpeded, Hei Lian!" he declares.

He does realise I'm wielding a spatula right? You can take yourself as seriously as you like but if your opponent is wielding a spatula, it's kind of hard for everyone else to.

Still, he launches at me with surprising speed, and attacks with a flurry of sharp blows. He's clearly got practice and without Mo Jianyang serving as a distraction-slash-obstacle he's got the room to show it, but I've still got an edge in speed and reflexes - just enough that I can parry, at least.

The air became full of clacking wood and I slowly backpedal as he tries to rush me. Honestly, I'd be willing to just take a hit and let them have a win, but I just know Zhou Cheng will make that disappointed face at me - and if I let Hou Bohai hit me, then I have to let Mo Jianyang, or they'll just continue arguing about that, like besting this humble fatty is some accomplishment worthy of praise.

So I just kept him at bay, waiting for him to tag out and for Mo Jianyang to tag in… which is probably never going to happen, actually. I can't tell if that's his plan or not, because I've been so busy fending off Hou Bohai that I stopped paying attention to where he was.

The moment I realise that, I react by diving away, right under one of Hou Bohai's swings. As I roll to my feet, I manage to catch a glimpse of Mo Jianyang pulling his swing at the last second to avoid hitting his 'ally'.

"That was actually pretty good," I call, flipping my spatula for effect. Really, if I had realised a moment later that probably would've hit me - unfortunate timing for him.

It's a pity Hou Bohai doesn't see it that way. "You-! Did you use me as a distraction?!"

"Why not? It's what you're good for."

If they're going to keep bickering like this in the middle of a 'fight'... I dash forward, catching both of them off guard - and striking both of them across the knuckles. Both of them drop their swords with a yelp, and now they're… well, I wouldn't say helpless but it does let me start laying into them.

Gently. I'm not actively trying to hurt them, just smacking them. Like scoring points in Kendo, only with a spatula. "Come on, come on!" I shout, "Aren't you the 'Rising Tides'? I've butchered chickens who put up a better fight than this!"

Hou Bohai snarls something unintelligible, but then follows it with a bark of "GO LOW!" right as he swings with a wide haymaker right at my face.

Miraculously, Mo Jianyang actually follows his lead and tries to sweep my legs out.

I push the punch to the side with my spatula as I leap over the leg sweep - it leaves me in a fairly awkward position when Mo Jianyang transitions into an uppercut though. I move a hand to block it only for Hou Bohai to try to slug me in the face with a hook. I jerk back, narrowly avoiding the blow and springing away on my hands with an acrobatic flair that seems at odds with my appearance.

"Whew! Almost had me-" I cut myself off, eyes widening as a foot speeds towards my face, forcing me to duck. Another foot forces me to roll to the side, then cartwheel as a pair slam down right where I was. It's actually getting hard to track which of them is attacking now, because I'm too busy dodging in increasingly unstable and unpredictable ways, reduced to tumbling like a circus performer just to stay out of the way.

Dignity? Never heard of it!

As I roll across the ground, my spatula digs into the dirt - and flings it towards one of my attacker's, distracting them briefly and letting me leap up to my feet. I'm a little surprised to feel myself getting into things, a vicious little smile on my face as I face off against Mo Jianyang, spatula held in a reverse grip like I'm some edgelord with a knife. I'm more surprised to see the determination and respect in his eyes.

He lunges for me, fists flying, and I parry and weave between them, counting the 'slashes' with my spatula. I'm pretty sure in an actual fight, he'd be very dead right now which is why you don't bring your fists to a knife fight.

"DUCK!"

Oh, nice try! Mo Jianyang ducks but so do I, both of us falling into a three point crouch as Hou Bohai's sword spins overhead.

... Wait. He threw it? But then where's-

I jerk my head up, eyes searching, just in time to see his fist an inch from my face.

Ah. Man, getting punched hurts. Did he have to aim for my face?

"Ha!" he crows, "Victory is mine!"

"Yours? Last I checked, it was only because of my actions that you could land that blow!"

"And your actions were part of my plan - I know it's hard for someone with so little intellect, but try to keep up!"

In order to cut off their argument before it snowballs into another fight, Zhou Cheng starts clapping - with a more congratulatory cadence then the previous 'Look over here' gesture. "Well done," he praises, "Do you see what you can achieve when you work together?"

Yeah, they can gang up on a fatty who isn't even that good at fighting… but I keep that commentary to myself, lest I ruin the moment.

"A promise is a promise. Tomorrow we can set out on a Hunt in the local area with our Senior Sister." Both of them straighten up immediately. With the help of two Cultivators in the Foundation Establishment Stage - and me too, I guess - they're bound to be able to take down stronger prey than they could with just the aid of their fellow Disciples. "And anything we find can be refined by Lian-er."

Great. First I get used as a punching bag, and then my reward is more work.

… Ah, I'm just bitching for the sake of bitching. I did end up getting into things there, and it is amusing to smack people with a spatula… and it did kind of boost my ego a little.

Sometimes I forget I can fight.

"Senior Tian's going to be mad she missed all the fighting," I offer blithely now that I've stopped rubbing my cheek.

Zhou Cheng just shrugs. "I'm sure she'll get over it. Hou Bohai, Mo Jianyang - the two of you decide where we go."

I expect that to spark another argument, but they don't even hesitate to answer in synchronicity. "The Crystal Cove!"

Well, that's a pretty name. Maybe it'll even live up to that.