Valentine was just around the corner, and I was fussing about it. I had no plans on trying anything with Violet, not at the moment at least, but I was also wanting to do something special. Again, not in a romantic way. You know, in a “we-are-friends-and-single” way.

Get together, watch a tearjerker, eat a bunch of chocolate, curse the happy couples, etc. That year’s Valentine was on a Sunday, which made it just perfect for that kind of event. I only needed to invite her. I decided my place over hers simply because we could watch the movie in the privacy of my room, comfortably cosying up in my bed. Again, not in that way.

“Erm, Violet? Do you have a minute?”

“S-sure, I guess… what is it?”

“I was thinking… are you free this Sunday?”

“Sunday? I’ve got work. Why?”

“Oh, you do? Do you think that… I don’t know, maybe we could go out together for a cup of coffee or movie?”

She looked at me, as if asking what to do. Unfortunately for her, I got sour from having a guy asking her out before I could make my move. I gave her a shrug, and that was that.

“Sorry, I can’t.”

“Then, erm, maybe some other day?”

“No, erm, I mean… sorry, I’m not interested in dating right now. I don’t have time for any of it, you see?”

“Y-yeah… I understand. Sorry to bother you.”

“N-no, it’s fine.”

Despite his attempt at keeping a positive attitude, it was painfully obvious he was feeling dejected.

Sucks to be you.

And it sucked to be me because if she had work, I doubted she had time for me either.

“Haah, that was a pain,” she grumbled, crumbling down on our desk.

“You think so? He’s one of the girls favourite’s in class.”

“Is he?”

“Yeah. Stephen is like, in third or second place, or whatever.”

She made a humming sound as she looked up at him.

“So, he’s name was Stephen…”

Poor guy. He was so insignificant to her, she didn’t even know his name.

“I guess he’s kinda good looking,” she said, sounding as excited about it as she’d be talking about her work. That is to say, it sounded like it was a chore.

“…Gee, a hot guy just asked you out, and you’re not interested in him?”

She turned her focus on me and gave me an annoyed look.

“I’m uninterested in everybody. You know that people are a huge pain in my existence. Well, apart from you and both our dads.”

She’s so sweet around me all the time, I sometimes forgot how much of an antisocial she could be. Or was. How did she manage to keep working as a waitress?

“Are you really all that busy Sunday?” I asked in a hushed tone.

“Urgh, yes,” she grumbled, crumpling on the desk a second time. “Urgh, I’ll have to stand and watch couples exchanging saliva and sucking tongues all day.”

My ear perked up and I opened my mental notepad.

“You find kissing nasty?”

“Well… I guess normal kisses are kinda ok, but those with tongue… and during a meal…? At least brush your teeth, gee!”

“Sorry, when you say, ‘brush your teeth’, is it referring to both types of kisses, or just the normal ones?”

“Why are you asking me that in such detail?” she grumbled, showing half of her frowning face.

“No reason. I was curious, I guess,” I said, trying to sound as casual as possible.

French kissing is out of the table… that’s so disappointing.

If there was a person whom I’d like to have my first kiss, it’d be her, both normal and with tongue evolved. I’d like to try the latter with her at least once in a situation that wasn’t merely a dream.

“Could it be that you…”

“…That I, what?”

She leaned closer to me, keeping our already hushed conversation even more secret.

“Have… kissed before?”

“No! God, no!”

“Really? Not even with…”

“Oh, most certainly not with him! I’d take a bath in bleach and swallow a whole bunch to cleanse myself from his touch. Yuck!”

“Ok, ok, I believe you. Erm, Abby? Abby, are you ok?”

I most definitely wasn’t.

One random memory popped up in my mind, and I was now cold-sweating and trembling, the whole heat from my body having vanished.

She acted quickly, grabbing my hand and pulling me out of that place and to where we could be alone. That was a stairwell in a part of the building that was mostly unused besides for storage. Somehow, I managed to hold my tears back until she hugged me against the wall.

I asked her for forgiveness. I told her I just had a very bad memory come to mind out of thin air and it got me very upset. And then, for some reason, I told her a terrible thing that wasn’t even related to the first.

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“I’m not sure if I’m a virgin.”

Her legs gave up from the shock, and we fell to our knees. I quickly pushed her away to check on her face. As to be expected, she seemed to be barely holding on to her conscience.

“W-wha…?” she asked, somehow.

“I just can’t… every time, I… I keep hurting you more and more… I can’t—”

I didn’t finish because she hugged me so hard, it was hurting me.

“It doesn’t matter. That doesn’t matter,” she told me, sobbing.

I was a little bit relieved by her words, but I still felt a huge despair in my chest.

“Please, let me go,” I begged.

She pushed my face away again, looking me straight in the eyes.

“W-what? No!”

“Please Violet, I need you to…”

“Abby, I—”

“Please, let me go now! You shouldn’t be touching me!”

“W-what?”

I repeated my words while pushing her away and trying to get up. She was pleading for me to calm down and for us to talk things through, but I refused to listen.

“Sorry, I don’t think we should be friends anymore. Not with me being… this.”

“Abby, please, no!” she cried. “Please, talk to me! I’m sure we can—”

“We can’t! I can’t keep dragging you down like this! The only thing I’m good for is hurting you! Don’t you see that!?”

I run away. I run and only stopped when I got to my bedroom.

I locked the door, kicked and screamed until my throat gave out, and then collapsed on my bed, crying until the tears run out. I proceeded to sob for an hour more. After all that, I felt as empty as when I was locked in that hotel room not too long ago.

That was where I belonged. In a small room, locked with my loneliness and demons, rotting away, as I should. I was so tired of feeling like I was trash. Tired of feeling like everything I touched got spoiled of anything good. Tired of always causing trouble and hurting everyone. Of troubling and hurting the girl I loved, Violet.

“Violet… Violet,” I sobbed, calling out to her, feeling again a wave of despair crashing down on me, hoping in vain that she’d come and save me from myself once more.

“I’m here,” I seemed to hear. Surely, I was delusional. “I’m here, Abby. Like always.”

At the second time of hearing it, I had to be sure. I got up and flung the door open. She was there, sitting across the room entrance, looking terrible, but there she was, in the flesh.

I recoiled back while she seized the chance to get up and step inside. With her between me and the door, there was nowhere else I could run.

“W-what—urgh!”

I had really messed up my vocal cords from the screaming I previously did, so anything higher than a whisper was like swallowing molten metal.

Before I could protest, she was back to holding me, gentle as ever.

“N-no!” I squirmed, trying to set myself free.

“I know why you told me that. You’re hurting, right? You feel like you’re alone and that nobody loves you. Or that nobody should. Honestly, I don’t really know, but… I think I do. And even if I’m wrong, my decision still remains the same. I’m not going anywhere. You said I was your sunshine. Well, truth be told, and despite all the troubles and worries you put me through, you’re my sunshine too, you know? Were it not for having met you, I’d still be super insecure about myself, isolated from the world, craving for someone who could understand me while pushing everyone away. You brought so much good into my life, won’t you please let me bring some to yours too? I think it would do you good to go through therapy. I’ll go with you, you don’t even need to ask me. In fact, I demand us to go together at least a few times. What you asked was terrible, but I forgive you. I think you should forgive yourself too. Please, forgive yourself. Could you do it for me? If not now, some day in the future?”

I had barged into her life, and now, for at least the second time, she was doing the same to mine. I just couldn’t shake her off, could I? Was she ok in the head?

I pushed her back, this time gently. Not that I had much strength left in me. I felt dead in every possible way.

“Erm… could you leave me alone for a bit? I need time to think,” I croaked.

“…Sure,” she told me before planting a tender kiss on my forehead. She too sounded like she got out of a grave. “What happened to your voice?”

“I… I tore it screaming.”

“I see. Can I go to a pharmacy to grab you some medicine for it before I leave you alone?”

I gave her a weak nod after some thought. I had reached the conclusion that letting her nurse me a little would settle her mind more than anything. I’d be showing her I was willing to let her stay in my life.

“You’re too good for me.”

“…”

She picked my chin and lifted it, denying me the ability to avoid eye contact.

“That’s for me to decide, not you” she told me in a stern, but at the same time gentle, voice. “Honestly, you’re plenty good enough already. You can only get better from here on out. If you keep trying.”

I couldn’t form any contradictory argument. She had achieved complete and utter victory over me, so I completely surrendered to her.

“I will.”

She smiled slightly before giving me another kiss and turning around.

I threw myself onto the bed, feeling completely numb again while thinking about what she told me.

“…Therapy…”

I still hated the idea of going, but not going wasn’t doing me any good either. At least that way Violet could be spared some of the heartache I was putting her through. If I got better, I could enjoy my life more, and in consequence, we could better enjoy our time together. Yes, I’d go ahead and do it. For me, and for her too.

Once she came back, I tried speaking to her, but she pushed her fingers on my lips.

“They told me to tell you not to talk at all. If you need to say anything, write.”

That was a pain, but she stopped me on my second attempt while glaring at me for doing so. She was such a stickler to rules.

“I’ll go to therapy,” I wrote on my phone to show her.

“That’s good,” she said smiling, while preparing a dose of my throat syrup. “Can I go with you?”

“You’ll hear some bad stuff.”

“Yes, I’m aware of that. Open up.”

She didn’t have to spoon feed me the medicine, my hands were still functional. She was such a mother.

“Bitter!”

“Pfft, fufu, I know. I can see it in your face.”

She was too nice. I’d have to put serious work on not unconsciously taking advantage of her. That, and also letting her help me more.

“Thanks for everything.”

Her smile twitched. Maybe thanking her wasn’t that good of an idea.

“You should get some rest. You must be feeling exhausted.”

I grabbed her by the uniform. There was still some stuff I wanted to tell her before she left.

“You can come with me.”

“Thanks. That makes me very happy.”

The second thing I wanted to tell her, I realised, would do more harm than good. I felt terrible for what I had put her through, but apologising again wasn’t a good idea.

“You look a bit wobbly. Do you wanna stay here and rest a bit before going home?”

“I mean, it’s a short walk, but… ok.”

I only noticed how much I didn’t want her to go once she agreed to my offer and got on one side of the bed, pulling me closer and wrapping an arm under my head and around my shoulders with the other resting on my waist.

“Your glasses,” I croaked, taking them off her face.

“I forgot I had them on, thanks. And don’t talk.”

I wasn’t sure how I should proceed now. She was acting normal, so maybe I should too? That didn’t seem right, but she said she forgave me. Wasn’t that too much? Not only that, but she was quickly falling asleep.

She’s too good for me.

As a friend, lover, or anything in between, it didn’t matter. That was what she was and there was no denying it. I had so much catch up to make, but at least for once, I was committed to not run away from my problems.