“You say that you did terrible things, that you killed people while you were under his control, that you were the most feared man on Ellas. But how did that happened? How did it come about? I know you said that he gave you your so called gifts; your speed and strength were enhanced, you heal very quickly and are sort of immortal.
"But none of that explains how you could be so feared. Surely you were still just a man. A powerful, enhanced man, but still a man.
"When you were taken you were just an IT Consultant, you knew nothing about fighting or weapons or killing people, or anything like that.
"So how did you get to be so good at it all, an expert with weapons and, from what you have said, with your bare hands? Did he train you or something? You don’t just acquire skills like those you say you have. Those guys in the army and the secret services, you know the special forces guys like the SAS that they make all the films about, I bet they spend years in training, and even more year gaining experience. So how did you get such skill?"
This was probably one of the worse questions Alex could have asked. It covered a time spent with him that held nothing but horror and pain for me.
Parts of my body, still only half healed, carried the memories of the pain that had been inflicted on me during those horrific days of my so called training. I took a deep, deep breath. I had said that she could ask anything she wished, anything at all, and that I would tell her all, and answer as truthfully as I could. But this really dug deep and cut to the core of my fear of him.
“This will not be easy for me to tell… the memories of the pain I felt then are still with me now today. Yet another gift of his, a means to accelerate my learning he said."
Alex interrupted before I could speak further, “Look, if it hurts that much, you don’t have to tell me. It was just a question, one of hundreds I have about your story. So forget it, I really don’t need to know."
“Its okay, Alex. It will not be easy to tell, but telling someone… telling you, will at least perhaps give you an understanding of how it was that I could do some of the things I did later in his name. I’ll tell you what he did to me and what he made me do to others, and try to explain the method behind his madness."
I took another deep breath before continuing.
“Try to imagine a warrior, strong beyond human belief, with speed and stealth that cannot be matched. That same warrior feels no fear, feels no pain. No pain at all. Those traits would make him the perfect warrior, the perfect killing machine, wouldn’t they?"
I paused and looked at Alex, waiting for her assent. I was leading her I knew, but what other way could I use to explain his methods, and the desensitisation or even immunity, that I later felt toward all the violence that I myself inflicted.
She nodded. “I suppose so, go on."
“No,” I said. “In his eyes, that does not even come close to making the perfect warrior.
"Without fear and pain that warrior lacks the incentive to strike first and decisively, lacks a reason to quickly immobilise or kill. That warrior is not afraid because he feels no pain. So where then is his drive to win, to be better than his opponent? Such a warrior would grow complacent, would tire of the fight, and would make mistakes.
"Such a one would not have been created by my master. That is not his way – his is the way of fear and pain.
"Fear and pain he knew, would drive a man on. Fear of pain, of a pain that he had felt before, known before, would ensure he did all he could to never know it again.
“To that end, he did a number of things to me before he even began my training, things that perhaps need some explanation.
"The human body and mind have defences to combat pain, and especially great trauma. Firstly, the memory of great pain fades with time. How many mothers would bear a second child if that were not true?"
Before Alex could respond to my flippancy, I went on. “And with great trauma, a car crash say, the memory immediately before and during the injury is faint, if it exists at all, the mind simply does not store away memories of such terrible events. Similarly, the mind can also lock away horrific events completely; the memories are there, stored somewhere in the brain, but the victim just cannot recall what happened to them.
"Then lastly there is unconsciousness – when pain becomes too great, the mind shuts down and goes into a deep sleep, a coma even.
"All of these things, all of these defences, he took from me. He enhanced my ability to learn and remember, whilst at the same time, destroying my minds defences against trauma, injury and pain. He had already given me great enhancements, strength, speed and others, but the gift of healing he held back.
"Thus he ensured that injuries I took while he trained me, would stay with me until he deemed to heal them. I could not die, could not become unconscious, could not sleep. But I could feel pain, and I would never, ever forget what that pain felt like. The memory of it would never fade.
“And just as I have explained to you, so he explained to me. As a teacher to his prize pupil, he told me of all he had done, all he had taken from me to ensure that I succeeded. It was to ensure that I became the greatest of warriors, his ultimate killing machine, he said.
"And at those last words, a Nargu thrust a sword into my hand and, for two long hours, instructed me in its use, drilled me, practised with me, until finally my master spoke one word – ‘Begin.’
“And with that word the Nargu struck immediately, his sword cutting through the air at my neck, a sure killing blow. If not for my enhancements, I would never have evaded the blow. I had moved aside even as I screamed. The second blow I somehow parried, the third took my arm off at the elbow.
"My sword fell to the floor with my hand still uselessly attached. The pain was unendurable, and yet I endured it, and stayed conscious. Not upright but conscious, as the Nargu contrived to hack my prone body to pieces. Every strike yet another agony on top of those that should already have sent me into oblivion.
“He entered my mind then. See the blow, see it come, know the pain it brings. Remember and fear the pain, learn from the fear, learn to defend against it. It will not stop. Never will it end… until you learn.
“And with that I was whole again. The pain still raged through my body but I was upright, sword in hand, facing another, fresh, Nargu.
"Mere minutes and I again lay on the floor, my blood pooling around me, the pain unbearable as this time he spoke, his voice laced with anger and contempt.
“‘Fool! The same blow, the very same blow. You must learn. You will learn!’
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“The pain I had thought unbearable, intensified tenfold as he punished me. I had not learned from the first bout you see. I had allowed the Nargu to again strike at my arm, and my master had given me the gift of learning. That I had squandered such a gift was intolerable to him, and so I was punished.
"I was left there, screaming as I prayed for it to stop, prayed for unconsciousness, madness or death even. But none of those things came.
"After what seemed a lifetime I was whole again, this time the pain gone but its memory strong in my mind, the only thing in my mind.
“And so I fought again, and again. On and on it went, for how long I really do not know. Blow after blow would lay me low, pain unending, fear filling me at every movement of the Nargu’s sword arm, his feet, his eyes, even the smirk on his face as he sensed victory.
“But learn I did. Slowly, ever so slowly, days even before a bout lasted more than minutes, but I did learn.
"To end this nightmare of pain and fear, I had to learn, had to defeat the Nargu that faced me. The day did come, it might have been weeks or even months, I do not know. For it never stopped, you see – sleep was denied me, and I need no sustenance for he sustained me, and at each and every bout I faced yet another fresh opponent.
“It had been a long, hard bout. They had been getting longer, the smirk when victory came less obvious as the Nargu needed to work harder and harder to finish me.
"It had not been an easy win, a lucky stroke had hacked its leg at the knee, not severed but it had crippled him nonetheless. The Nargu screamed in pain as it dragged itself across the floor, still slashing at me when it got within reach.
"I moved in circles around it awaiting praise, a comment, something from he for whom I had fought so very long. I had learned, I had defeated my opponent. Did I not deserve praise?
“He did speak. He merely said in my mind, ‘Finish it. It must die for its failure.’
“Nothing else, no congratulations, no praise.
"The Nargu screamed and pleaded as I did as I was told; I knew too well the consequences of disobedience. Then, as I turned from the bloody form of my opponent, I faced yet another Nargu, sword in hand.
"On and on it went endlessly, or so it seemed, until my master deemed I was proficient with my sword, and could dispatch my every opponent within seconds of the bout’s start; dozens died before he was satisfied.
“After the last he finally praised me. ‘Good, you have done well. Rest tonight, tomorrow we begin again.’And with those words the pain finally stopped, but not the memory, not the fear; they were to stay with me always to ensure I never grew complacent, never showed weakness, never gave mercy.
“The following day, after a far too short period of instruction, it began all over again, but this time we fought with axes.
"Again I was made to fight bout after bout, day after day, until finally I could easily defeat those I faced. After came shorts swords, then spears, then knives, and all manner of weapons, until I had mastered them all.
"Finally, I was made to fight with bare hands. The opponents I was made to face were varied, sometimes human but mostly Nargu, enormous and ferocious creatures blessed with immense strength. I suppose that he reasoned that if I could defeat his very own war machines with nothing more than hands and feet, then anything else would be child’s play.
"Fighting them, the Nargu, without weapons was the hardest, the most difficult of the challenges I faced. They were very, very difficult to hurt; their skin is extremely tough and they are very heavily muscled. But I did slowly learn how.
“And that again was not the end of it. For after an evening of deep sleep, I faced not one but two Nargu, and as before we fought until I easily defeated both.
"Then three, four and finally five. Their weapons were varied, and in the very last I faced five, variously armed Nargu while I myself was unarmed.
"And even then, when I finally defeated them, I was made to fight again, over and over until the outcome was inevitable, and their deaths came mere seconds after the start.
"I was mindless long before then, a machine. I saw only movements and threat, and felt only the fear of the pain that those threats might bring. I relaxed only when those threats were disposed of.
"Finally, he had his killing machine.
“It was months before any rational thoughts came back to me. Even then I was his, his compulsion held me more easily than any chains ever could. But the fear of pain lives with me still, even to this day. If I am threatened, feel threatened even, it takes all my willpower to turn my back, or respond with a reasonable force even.
"Should you wave a knife at me, even laughingly, I would want to strike at you, want to kill you just to dispose of the threat and make the fear go away… I wouldn’t though, I mean I would not strike you, Alex, let alone kill you. I have learned to live with the fear and control it… but it is always there.”
Alex looked shocked, but I could see from her eyes that she believed what I’d told her last; she had listened to all that I had said, and yet somehow trusted that I would never harm her.
“That was not the end of it. He did other things then… to my fear. He took my fear, and somehow extended it such that should any threat be posed or perceived against him, it would be as though I myself were in danger; fear would come upon me, and I would have to act to make it go away, I would have to defend him as I would my own life.
“And again, even that was not the end. Weeks went by, and then his torturers came. They taught me how to inflict pain, how to prolong a life in agony, how to make one wish for death.
"They used me first, I was their subject. How better to appreciate their art than to witness it first hand, they told me.
"As their subject, they showed me all they knew, no technique was spared, no mercy shown. For I would be healed anew as soon as each lesson ended, ready for the next to begin.
"Then, when they believed me ready, I had to practice my new found skills by inflict that same pain and horror on others. Whatever race was required for the procedure was supplied, for I was taught how best to inflict pain on almost all the world’s races - he had rarely been able to capture a Roken, and had never caught an Ella'ren. If I failed to convince my teachers of my proficiency, they would show me again, use me again as their practice subject.
"And on it went, weeks passing before I finally pleased them. But even then, only when, as my subjects, their screams pleased my master, was I deemed me truly ready.”
Alex’s face was pale by the time I’d finished.
She didn’t speak, didn’t ask another question. She just stared at me, almost as if the truth and horror of my story had finally began to sink in.
“Sorry, Alex,” I said. “I’m sorry that I made you listen to such terrible tale, but I’m glad that you did. I’m glad that I’ve finally told someone, and I’m glad that that someone was you… Thank you.”
It was a moment more before she finally spoke, and even then her voice was a whisper, almost as if she was afraid someone else might hear.
“Listening to you then was so much like when Sarah told me of her nightmare dreams, the really frightening ones. What she said was bad enough, but the look of fear in her face as she spoke was the worse. Those dreams really terrified her. Some of them were so bad that they never made it into our book – she refused to write about them.
"Your face as you spoke had that same look, the same as Sarah’s did. You looked afraid, terrified even… and that was far, far worse than the words you spoke. I really don’t know how you managed to make yourself talk of it, let alone how your mind survived through all that he did to you to in the first place.”
“I’m just glad to get it off my chest,” I said.
“But you’re right, it was an ordeal. Let’s talk of something else, something a little more cheerful… you choose. Go on, pick something light hearted, something that can’t hurt to talk of.”
Alex smiled, a weak smile not at all her normal wide mouthed grin.
But as she opened her mouth to speak, her eyes sparkled, and I knew that she’d thought of something, something that she considered interesting or exciting, or both even. And looking at that sparkle in her eyes I knew that whatever it was it had driven away the despair that my story had filled her with.