Noa yelped, and imagined he felt a lot like Stitch when his favorite blue alien got shoved inside a tube, only he was being manhandled by a giant hand that wrapped around him. Bah! Same difference. Well, and maybe the hand could only fit about halfway around him. It was a bit oversized to the rest of the body, in Noa’s opinion, given that he was less than half the troll’s height.

The magenta troll marched into the bar with them both, Noa in his right hand, and Elvethor in his left. The elf was lucky in that he had at least one arm free.

“Boys, I have humans!” the troll announced to the room, and the three others banged the bar in quick succession, the intense echoing noise rattling Noa’s teeth.

“Actually, good sir, I’m an elf,” Elvethor stated, waving a finger.

“I really don’t think technicalities are going to matter right now, thor!” Noa hissed, Elvethor blushing at the name again. Cute that he could manage to blush at a time like this. “Why do you keep getting us in these messes?”

“I never got caught before bringing you along. Maybe it’s your fault!”

Noa opened his mouth for whatever nail biting retort he was still coming up with when the troll holding them burst into loud laughter, consequently shaking his arms. “Funny humans!” he delighted. Definitely a he.

Stumbling back as he was dropped on the bartop, Noa nearly fell right off, but the troll behind the bar steadied him with a finger. “Um... thanks?” he said, nervously looking at the creature. He stood below chin level to him, and damn, did they have very dashing eyes! This one’s eyes were violet, a stark contrast to his pale skin. “Eliaz, what do we do?” he asked, shifting to look back at Magenta.

“How would I know? I’ve never been caught before,” Elvethor said, looking as awed and frightened as Noa felt.

“Yeah, what do we do?” Magenta asked, looking at Bartender.

“Tell Chief,” Bartender answered.

“What if Chief wants to kill them?”

“Kill?!” Noa asked. “No, no, no, this is why I’m not a fighter. I’m a healer for... for━”

“Elorn’s sake,” Elvethor interjected.

“Elorn’s sake! So you better damn well sit still and let me heal your freakishly impressive backs!” Noa pointed at Magenta, who smiled, his wide arrange of large teeth a little more than a tad intimidating.

Magenta looked up at Bartender. “I want to keep him,” he pointed back at Noa, who groaned loudly and ran his hands down his face.

Why does this crap keep happening to me! he thought. Get caught by an apple she-monstrosity, then by a blonde barbarian━both of whom had really good aim━and finally trolls. Why couldn’t something small catch him for once? Like a gnome? He could easily run from gnomes, surely!

The blue troll joined the fray, sliding over and settling into a stool near Magenta. He reached out and poked Noa in the chest, the force of it knocking him back. Fortunately, Elvethor caught him this time. “The little one is cute,” he said, his voice rumbling like an earthquake.

“Oh, sure, take all of the attention.” Was Elvethor seriously whining about that?

“No, no, please take a turn,” Noa huffed, dusting off his shirt as he righted himself, not that he needed to, but it felt soothing to try to dust away all the manhandling.

The black troll a little ways down the bar sighed loudly. “I’ll go get Chief,” he said, his voice significantly softer than the others, and almost frail. Now that Noa was thinking about it, the troll’s skin sagged a bit, causing several creases in the marbling under his chin. He got up and left the room.

“Hrmm... do our small guests want some drinks while they wait?” Bartender asked.

This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

“No!” Elvethor said quickly, then gave a nervous smile. “Thank you, though.” Probably, whatever was in those urns, could kill them, Noa guessed.

Magenta finally sat down, which put him at eye level... for Elvethor. He zoned in on Noa, who pulled Elvethor in front of him, hiding behind the elf. “He’s far more interesting. Grind his bones into bread or something instead.”

“Ew.” He could hear Elvethor’s cringe in his voice.

“You are in a bar. A story, humans!” Magenta banged on the countertop, rattling all of Noa’s bones this time.

“Hey, Noa, are you any good at storytelling?” Elvethor asked.

“A story, and maybe we'll let you live,” Bartender chuckled.

Noa gulped. “I am now,” he said in a higher voice, making all the trolls laugh. He covered his ears to withstand the boisterous thunder coming from their mouths.

“Great! Tell these nice trolls a story,” Elvethor said, shoving Noa back in front of Magenta.

“Right, um... Once upon a time...” Noa trailed, and for once, the trolls quieted, each of them leaning forward.

“Such a poetic start,” Blue whispered━a trollish whisper, that was. As in, it was still blaring.

“There was a girl and her farmboy, strong and sturdy, much like you folks,” Noa motioned with a hand, and Magenta’s smile grew while Blue’s stare became more enraptured. Story’s not hardly begun, folks, he thought. “Yes, well, they were very much in love, except that the farmboy, being of low birth, had nothing he could provide for his lover, so he set off on a journey.”

“A mighty and dangerous journey!” Magenta banged the counter, and Noa winced.

“Do you want me to continue with the story, or not?” he asked.

“Don’t interrupt the small one while he bards, Trym!” Bartender hissed.

“Sorry,” Magenta said, and motioned for Noa to go on.

Nervously, Noa proceeded to tell the entire plot of The Princess Bride, largely embellished with troll-like individuals and mountain lions for ROUSes. He imagined that was likely the closest to a pest they had out here━apparently one they ate, he learned. They were highly amused with this change, not that they knew he’d made it.

“And they lived happily ever after. The end,” Noa finished.

“More!” Magenta banged again, Noa cowering.

“I think that is enough storytelling from the humans,” a new voice said, this one higher, yet deeper than any woman’s voice Noa ever heard, but he was certain it had a woman’s timbre.

He moved to get a better look, and saw a gold troll with black marbling in the doorway. Unlike the men, she wore full garb, although loosely. She would easily flash her boobs to humans by the way the pelts over them bounced while she walked. Over her head was a headdress of a lion’s pelt, decorated with large black feathers, and encrusted with rough sapphires. Kind of an odd mix.

“Chief,” the trolls said in succession, each falling to a knee. Noa looked around nervously for a moment, and slowly did the same, Elvethor already at it himself.

“Human spies?” she asked, stopping just in front of the kneeling trolls.

“Healers, your graciousness,” Elvethor said. Probably best if he did the talking this time. Noa was certain the elf would be far more diplomatic. “We came to heal in secret to level up.”

Chief raised her thick brow, no hair for eyebrows, just bony ridges, then reached out and pulled Magenta and Blue up to their feet. They stepped aside for her so she could approach. “If this is true,” she said, crossing her arms. “Then you will heal.”

“Thank you, your graciousness,” Elvethor said, bowing his head.

Chief reached out, pulling Elvethor to his feet while Noa’s knee screamed at him to let up. “An elf?” Chief asked. “Are you a noble?”

“Only by reputation.”

“Then they will want you back,” she said, and Noa blinked.

“What?” Elvethor asked.

“We are in need of more than ale after a famine. We will trade you back for provisions. Meanwhile, you and your child companion will heal.”

“What?” Noa asked next, a new realization hitting him. He got off lucky with She-monstrosity last time for missing a day of work, even if she worked him extra hard today. A second time, however...? He gulped, Chief narrowing her eyes at him. Probably shouldn’t have spoken out of turn. “I mean,” he tried, “what lovely pelts you have. Certainly you could trade those with the local humans for gain?”

“We frighten the humans. It would be better to give them an apt reason to want to deal with us,” Chief retorted.

“Not entirely true,” Noa waved a finger. “We came here, didn’t we?”

“A brave few you are.”

Damn. First time I’ve been called that, Noa said. Admittedly, he didn’t want to visit trolls. He was hoping for something smaller, like goblins.

“But it’s proof that you don’t scare all of us,” Noa said.

“It’s true. Not all of us are frightened,” Elvethor agreed, buying into Noa’s attempt, even shooting a wink his way. No wonder Blondie liked him━he had a good wink.

“If such a boast is true then,” Chief said, and poked Noa in the chest, knocking him right off of his aching knee. He might have fallen backwards, but at least his knee was relieved. “You will be our spokesperson to trade with the humans. Succeed, and we won’t hold your noble friend hostage.”

Noa blinked. Yup, should have kept my damn mouth shut.