"Father... Brother..."

I hug my knees to my face.

It feels like everything is gradually taken from me. But honestly, I don't know what to feel.

I'm sad...? No... Angry at myself... because I actually ~don't~ feel sad that he's gone. I didn't feel anything when Melody said he died, and that... that made me feel rotten.

Brother was a quiet sort. It’s not like he was a bad brother to me, but... he was smart. I was his idiot little sister, and Cadence was clearly his favourite sister among us three. I hardly ever saw him. When I was digging up insects in the garden and scaring Rish. When I was beating up girls three times my age. When I was picking my nose behind the back of my etiquette tutor. He was always studying dutifully. I always wondered why. Wasn't Cadence going to be the next Queen?

So… It wasn't hate. Its... he was just in a different world.

It’s funny... maybe the reason I didn't want to address Elijah with his worlds word for big brother was because I associated it with Liron? Though I'm still calling him that after we've become lovers... Haha... isn't everything just a messy jumble in my head?

What is a lover and what is a brother and what is it that I am really fighting for again?

I summoned... because I was the only one left who could. Because I didn't want my big sisters sacrifice to be for nothing. Because at my heart I knew I had a royal responsibility to protect a place I loved.

But I was so scared, when Melody was carried out on a stretcher, when Cadence was betrayed.

Isn't that why I got Elijah, though?

He has no useful skills. He had no combat experience. He's a closet pervert with a preference for cute young girls. He is arguably the worst possible result.

But he's never let me down. Always acted the stabilising figure for me. Even as he is drawn away by the others, he always tries to give me time and consideration and love.

He wasn't the hero the country needed, but perhaps he was the one I wanted. Is that why I summoned him? It is... isn't it?

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Ha! What a bozo I am.

I manage a dumb grin. I'm the picture of a stupid girl head over heels for a bad man, aren't I?

And so are the other girls, right?

Well, there’s one queer old lady mixed in there as well...

I really envied them all at one point. Even though they had become new friends and compatriots in a battle we had little hope for.

What even am I anymore? I see myself in my memories and I barely recognise her. The ‘her’ Melody recognised wasn't me anymore, and when she tried to coddle me and threaten Elijah that just made me cross.

A past me wouldn't have even recognised Melody's subtle attack. And I realised that when I prepared my response. It shocked me.

I also thought I trained hard when I was a girl. Maybe the instructors coddled me as well, though... I knew nothing until Kiku showed me ~her~ daily training. Her father exposing her to that... and her seeing that as normal... but then Kiku wouldn't be so skilled if not for that and her natural talent. It gives her body a sculpted look I'm a bit jealous of too, to be honest.

I had to keep up with her to create our new combo attack after it became clear Kali and Kaede, and Seria and Rishya were working hard. We did something slapdash with the time we had, utilising our strengths.

I hesitate to say I'm grown up, even if, by standard chauvinist accounts, I have been 'made' a woman.

That’s all wrong.

Sex doesn't make you a woman. It does stop you being a girl, though. It’s an uncomfortable limbo... the wait between the two... but maybe I'm almost there.

You know what... I'm thinking about all sorts of difficult things these days, aren't I?

Elijah's needless pondering has bled off into my own behaviour. I was once a girl who barely thought of anything or anyone.

Head full of clouds, body made of spears, eh?

Well... maybe that’s actually still the same after all.

"You have changed a lot, I think." Elijah is suddenly... where?!?

He hoists me over his shoulder suddenly. Ehhhhhh?

And he slaps my butt.

"Kyaaaaaa!" I let out an involuntary squeal from surprise.

"Bad summoner. Don't go jumping onto the roof. You idiot." He says, deadpan.

Whilst I'm still dazed, he switches his holding position and I'm now in a princess carry.

"At least my princess wasn't in another castle." He snickers. There is probably some joke here I don't understand again.

But I don't care.

Right. I do remember Liron after all. When I was five or so. He showed me how to weave two daisies together. I put a crown on his head and giggled. And he smiled, pat my head, and said my crown was better than any gold one he could have. It made me very happy. But even then... he was not even seven and the weight of the crown was on his mind, wasn't it?

I start bawling.

I'm now... of all times... overcome with emotion.

"Brotherrrr! Cadencccce! Daaaad! Mellll! Leannnnne! Ellliiijaaahhh...!"

It apparently took the stupid actions of my fake brother to remind me of the kindness of my real one after all.

Such an idiot.

I carry on bawling without care though. After all, my man has me in his arms...