image [https://i.imgur.com/YL7E4Q1.png]
In another one of my many attempts to feel normal, I’d accepted an invitation from Cliff to go to a dinner party to celebrate the birth of his son (and, of course, give Shenice a night off of cooking dinner while she was recovering). At first, I had the inclination to decline, but I realized it’d give me time to talk to Cliff about the fires, so here I was, waiting for Mercy to finish getting ready out in my truck.
While it struck me as interesting that Luke claimed he couldn’t show up until later, I didn’t care to look a gift horse in the mouth: it was so hard to find any time alone with Mercy that I wanted to take advantage of it whenever I could. Just the sound of her voice was soothing, and it felt as if I hadn’t heard it in forever.
Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait outside for long. Only a few minutes after I’d honked to let her know I was around, Mercy came right out, and when she opened the door she smiled warmly at me.
“Sorry to keep you waiting,” she said before blinking in surprise. “Oh! Look at you! No basketball shorts?”
I smirked. “I thought about it, but the last pair I got has this gross stain in the back that makes me look like I shit myself. Haven’t had the heart to toss them out yet, but… one of these days.”
“Thank God for that.” Her eyes crinkled as her smile deepened. “Looking muy guapo, Manolo. Let’s get going, shall we?”
Once fully in the truck, Mercy clicked her seat belt across herself. The belt cut right across her bust, emphasizing the subtle cleavage that emerged as she crossed her arms. Her yellow top a vibrant, sunny color that made her skin glow like she had a Cancun tan, and it left her shoulders exposed enough to show off the projection of her collarbones. Despite her complaints, I thought it fit her perfectly, nipping in around her soft waist like it was made for her.
Afraid that Mercy might notice the way my eyes lingered, I glanced away, turning all my attention to the road ahead of us.
“So, how’ve you been?” She asked, tucking some of her hair behind her ear. “Everything’s been good with you, right?”
I shrugged. “Ups and downs. But I’m okay, overall. Nothing new to report, really.”
“Good, good,” she nodded. “How’s your stuff going?”
I raised an eyebrow. “What stuff?”
“Your… you know?” Mercy made a rolling hand motion like she expected me to finish her sentence, then sighed. “Therapy?”
I bristled instantly. “Why are you bringing that up right now?”
“I’m just asking how it’s going, okay?” She frowned. “You don’t need to be defensive, I’m not judging you.”
“… Sure.” I found that a little hard to believe, but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, so I did. “Haven’t gone in a while.”
A look of worry flashed across Mercy’s features. “Any particular reason, or…?”
When we rolled up to a stop, I squeezed my eyes shut for a split second. I wasn’t sure what made this so pressing a topic that we had to talk about it now. Just thinking about Dr. Oh put me in a bad mood sometimes, which was unfair since she was tasked with the miserable job of disentangling the knotted ball that was my brain. Still, that didn’t mean I wanted to think of her more than I absolutely had to.
“Manny…” From anyone else, it would’ve sounded scolding, but all I could hear in Mercy’s voice was concern. “What’s up?”
“I don’t really like her, okay?” I snapped. “My doctor, I mean. If you met her, you’d get it.”
“Well, what does she do that bothers you so much?” She asked.
“Last session, she… well, she does this every time, but it just really pissed me off this time.” I ran my hand through my hair, which made brushing it earlier pointless. “She does this thing where it’s like… she acts like I’m in constant denial of the truth, or she thinks I’m too stupid or unaware of what I’m doing to know better. You know what I mean?”
“What were y’all talking about? Maybe it’s just a misunderstanding.” She straightened up, clearing her throat a little awkwardly. “Uh, you don’t have to go into detail if you don’t want to, okay? I don’t know if it was something really serious, or—”
“It wasn’t,” I said firmly. “At least, I don’t think it was. Just kinda… well…”
Now I was not only annoyed, but a little embarrassed. I didn’t really want to go over it with Mercy, but when you’ve known someone as long as we’d known each other, very little stones were left unturned. It’d be a bigger red flag to her if I tried to keep things private. With a sigh, I kept my stare tightly focused on the road, if just to escape her prying eyes.
“You know how after I broke up with Tiana, I sort of… gave up on like, dating-dating, and just started going out with anybody?” I swallowed thickly, feeling more and more embarrassed. “I— I didn’t want the commitment, right, just wanted to mess around, no strings attached, that kind of stuff.”
Mercy nodded. “I recall.”
“So I tell Dr. Oh about it like it’s no big deal, right? ‘Cause it isn’t. But then she goes into this, this long-winded speech about how casual sex is ‘risk-taking’ behavior, and that it’s common in ‘people like me’, and— Benz, she was acting like I’m a sex addict or something.” I couldn’t keep my voice down. “I tell her, I say, ‘I haven’t had sex in nearly nine months— if I were a sex addict, how could I give it up so easy? Wouldn’t I be trying to fuck anything that moves?’ And she starts going into some psych eval bullshit—”
“Wait, wait, wait,” she interrupted. “You’re mad at her for… psychoanalyzing you? That’s what doctors are there for. That’s what they’re paid to do.”
“No, she’s acting like I can’t be trusted to be a reliable narrator for my own life!” I spat. “Like if I say I’m not mad, she insists that I am. If I say I don’t have an issue with something, she says that I do. And since I said I’m not a nympho, that must mean that I am, since in her world, no means yes and up means down.”
My joints ached from how hard I’d been clutching the steering wheel. It was a struggle to ease my grip, but I didn’t want to scare Mercy, so I relaxed my hands the best that I could. “I just get sick and tired of it,” I said, defeated. “She does it constantly.”
“If you didn’t want to talk about it, how did it come up?” As she spoke, she flipped the A/C vents away from herself. “Did she just bring it up out of nowhere?”
I flattened my mouth. If this didn’t feel like a lecture before, it was right about to. “… I told her I stopped taking my meds.”
“Manny!” She barked.
“I know!” I barked back. “She was on my case about that, too. She was saying, ‘Since you don’t like your meds, and you don’t like therapy, how do you cope with things? What’ve you used in the past?’ So, like a fucking idiot, I told her. And now she wants me coming in every week, instead of as needed— and on top of that, she has new meds for me to try. Which is great, because I’ve always wanted to be a frequent flyer at the fucking pharmacy, right?”
Once I’d finished ranting, I let out a frustrated grunt as we rolled to another stop. At the light, I had a chance to take a longer look at Mercy, and I softened once I got sight of her. Across her face was a look of tenderness, her lips forming a little pout. Her eyes, sparkling from the beaming light of the afternoon sun, were fixed on me as if she were about to say something.
“Whatever you’re about to say, don’t say it,” I pleaded. “Please. Not right now.”
“I’m not saying anything,” she sighed. “I just hate seeing you so wound up all the time, and… I feel powerless to do anything about it. I just wish there was something I could do to help.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I didn’t know what to tell her; she seemed to be holding out hope that underneath it all, I was still that boy she knew from the barrio, the class clown that only ever cried when he laughed and dreamed of being just like John McClane. There wasn’t a nice way to tell her that whoever I used to be, he’d been laid to waste in the sands of the Middle East, just like Feliz. Whoever - or whatever - had taken his place was something far more pathetic. I let out a sigh.
Gently, Mercy reached over the console and rested her hand on my leg. I didn’t realize I’d gone back to gripping the wheel until I relaxed under her touch.
The rest of the drive was still and quiet, the air heavy with an unspoken tension. I didn’t dare play the radio, knowing that Mercy would shut it off quickly after, so I simply endured the silence for her sake. That she didn’t even bother trying to change the subject to some kind of mindless small talk made me wonder if it all weighed heavier on her mind than she was letting on.
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Finally, we got to Cliff’s house, and just as I shut off the engine, Mercy turned to me. Her gaze darted all over me, from the buttons of my shirt to the cuffs of my sleeves. Then, she paused.
“Hm?” Mercy blinked curiously. “Hey, what’s that bandage for?”
“Just a scratch.” Swiftly, I unbuckled my seat belt. “Nothing serious.”
Her eyebrows pinched together. “Seems kind of big for a scratch—”
I didn’t bother letting Mercy finish her sentence before I swung open the door and hopped out of the truck. She followed me out right after, though it was clear by her expression that she didn’t appreciate me cutting her off. I didn’t regret it one bit - not when I already felt more on edge than I should’ve been.
There were more cars outside than I was expecting, which meant this wasn’t the small, intimate get-together I had in mind. Why the hell did everyone I know have to love parties so much? I could feel my blood pressure spike, and just as I took in a sharp breath, it was as if Mercy could feel it, too.
Without a word, Mercy secured my hand in hers with a firm, comforting squeeze. She smiled at me so tenderly, I couldn’t help but let out my breath in a smooth exhale. Right as I was going to squeeze her hand in return, the front door swung open, and she ripped her hand away immediately.
I tried not to let my disappointment show.
･ ･ ･
The party wasn’t more than I could handle, all things considered. Once I had a beer, it was easier to engage in monotonous small talk, though my mood soured once Luke had arrived to be a permanent fixture at Mercy’s side. He’d taken so long to get there, I was hoping he’d be a no show, but such hopes were dashed the second he walked through the door.
Rather than risk suffering through a conversation with Luke, I slipped past other party goers to find Cliff, happening upon him when he’d just wrapped up a conversation with someone else. When he laid eyes on me, he lit up.
“Manny!” He grinned. “Aw, it’s been forever, buddy! C’mere!”
There was no resisting a bear hug from Cliff when he was determined to give you one, so I simply let him pull me in. He patted my back with such force I felt like a baby being made to burp, and my shoulder blades were sore when we parted.
“Great to see you, man,” I replied, smiling in spite of the pain. “Hey, congrats on the kid. I haven’t seen him yet, but Mercy said he’s pretty cute for a newborn, which is its own accomplishment.”
“Ah, I would’ve had you meet him, but he was gettin’ all uppity, so Niecey put him to bed.” Cliff tipped his own beer bottle back. “CJ’s a real people person, but even he’s got his limits. Just like his daddy!”
“Is that right?” I laughed. “You must be pretty proud.”
“A hundred and ten percent, man.” He let out a sigh that oozed satisfaction. “I gotta tell you, never thought it could ever be this good. Beautiful wife, great kids— and you know I’m in line for a promotion? Gonna be one of the top dogs in my department soon.”
“No shit?” I bumped my fist against his. “It’s hard to believe a broke-ass little redneck from Glen Rose could ever get this far, but here you are, huh?”
“I know, right? Makes me wish my dad was still here to see me.” For a fraction of a second, Cliff’s smile carried something somber behind it, before he perked back up. “So what’s up? You’re impossible to get a hold of these days! Do I need to microchip you? Put a tracker on your ass?”
“Nah, I’ve just… I’ve had a lot going on lately.” I scratched my chin, feeling a little nervous suddenly. “A lot of bullshit at work, you feel me?”
“Tell me about it!” He shook his head wearily. “One of these days, I’ll say fuck it, take Niecey and the kids back to Montego Bay and spend the rest of our lives on those beautiful beaches…”
“Mmhm,” I hummed, only half-listening. “Um, actually, I just remembered that I was gonna ask you something.”
“Sure thing,” Cliff said as he tucked a hand in his pocket. “Fire away.”
“You noticed anything… weird on your radar, lately?” I lowered my voice. “Any reports you’ve heard about? Seen any shit going on?”
“Hm…” As he watched me talk, Cliff drummed his fingers on the neck of his beer bottle. “Gonna need you to be more specific than that.”
Before I continued, I moved Cliff towards a quieter part of the room, where the commotion of other people would drown out our conversation to random listeners. When I felt more secure, I turned back to him. “I think there might be an arsonist running around Dallas.”
Cliff blinked at me. “You know I work homicide and not arson, right?”
“Yeah, and?” I frowned flatly. “I’m asking because— well, I don’t know, I thought you might’ve heard something through the grapevine from the other departments you work with.”
“No, not lately…” He looked at me, a little suspicious. “Is there a story behind all of this? Aren’t y’all pretty averse to declaring anything as arson?”
My jaw tightened in frustration. In my head, I kept reminding myself to be less cagey, even if my instinct was to play it off as a joke and change the subject to avoid scrutiny. With an unwavering stare, I cleared my throat.
“I… I’ve been working with this, uh, reporter,” I confessed. “Um, well, she’s not really a reporter, but she’s got this podcast thing going and— okay, that part’s not important. Anyway, she stopped by my station back in April asking questions about some of the fires we’ve been dealing with.”
With fluid motion, Cliff took a drink of his beer, waiting for me to continue.
“At first, I didn’t think anything of them, but… now I think she’s on to something. So together, we’ve been trying to determine if there’s a pattern or if it’s just… nothing, I guess.” I shrugged, suddenly self conscious about how it all sounded. “I’ve got a feeling about it, but nothing concrete just yet.”
“And so despite several months of investigation, you’ve got nothing to show for it?” He could hardly have sounded less disbelieving.
My cheeks burned. “You know how hard arson is to catch? Stop being a dick about this.”
“I’m not trying to be a dick! But… I mean, instead of voicing your concerns to your higher-ups, you’re working with some nosy little busybody?” He laughed incredulously. “It just sounds… shit, I don’t know.”
“Everyone else just blows me off!” I gestured with my bottle. “They just think I’m paranoid. Honestly, ever since the accident, they treat me like I’m a ticking time bomb. Like any day now, I’m gonna go postal.”
“No offense, Manny, but out of everyone I know, you’re definitely the most likely to become a mass shooter. Not to say that you would, but…” As if what he said was remotely reassuring, Cliff patted my shoulder.
“Fucking quit it!” I knocked his hand back. “I’m being serious here, Cliff.”
“Yeah?” He raised his eyebrows, smirking. “Who’s saying I’m not being serious, either?”
With a groan, I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t sure why I expected Cliff to approach this with any seriousness; ever the eternal skeptic, he wouldn’t even take it at face value if you told him the sky was blue. Still, now that I brought it up, he’d at least pay more attention to what he heard at work.
“Just keep me in the loop if you hear something, okay?” I asked. “That’s all I’m saying.”
Sipping his beer again, Cliff gave me a thumbs up, but didn’t dignify me with a response beyond that. If we hadn’t served in the military together, I’d have trouble trusting that he actually listened to me at times.
Before we could talk about anything else, another guest summoned Cliff by name, and he left me to my own devices. Without Mercy to act as a buffer, I found myself sticking to walls of the house, unable to bring myself to say anything to anyone.
My bottle felt too light for how many people were present, so I filtered through them to get to the kitchen, where drinks and snacks were laid out on the counters for all to see. Over by an assortment of dips and chips, I ran into Luke, who locked eyes with me like a deer staring at an oncoming truck.
“Hey, it’s…” Luke motioned at me, pausing like he was trying to jog his memory. “Marco! What’s up?”
I made no effort to conceal the contempt I felt towards him. “Actually, it’s Manny.”
“Right, right! Sorry about that, I’m awful with names.” He smiled awkwardly, then finished the rest of his chip.
Standing beside him, I scooped a chip into the saddest store-bought salsa I’d ever seen in my life. “So… you took your sweet time getting here, huh?”
“Yeah, I thought I wasn’t gonna make it!” Luke took another chip as well. “I had a lot of stuff at work to wrap up.”
“What do you do for a living, again?” I asked, though I didn’t actually care.
“Software development,” he replied. “It’s, uh, it’s not that exciting, but it pays the bills. Plus it means I mostly work from home, so I can pick up my work whenever.”
“That’s nice.” The salsa tasted like shit, but I ate it anyway. “So that means you get to see Mercy a lot, right?”
Luke heaved an unexpectedly heavy sigh. “Not as much as I’d like to. She’s always getting stuff thrown at her last minute by her coworkers, so it’s like… if she says a date’s at six, it’s actually at seven, right? It’s hard to get enough time with her.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, but for once, I understood completely. Mercy’s job was the kind where she was, unfortunately, one of the most competent workers in the office, so that meant getting tasked with ensuring everything actually did get done. She’d been working there long enough that I was used to it, but I could see how Luke wasn’t.
“Sounds about right,” I said. “But you’re over at her place pretty often anyway, aren’t you?”
“Hm?” He hummed through a mouthful of chips. “What makes you say that?”
“Oh, I just… saw your jacket there at one point.” I gave him a once-over. “I mean, I just assumed it was your jacket, since it didn’t look like it belonged to any of the girls.”
“Ah, yeah.” Luke rubbed the back of his neck, which looked a little shinier for some reason. Was he sweating? “Yeah, I go over there sometimes. Just to hang out, see what’s up.”
“Pretty brave of you just to drop by,” I remarked coolly. “Mercy’s mom doesn’t usually like strangers, and Joanna doesn’t usually like anyone. It’s like walking into a lion’s den.”
“Nah, Lupe and Jo aren’t so bad.” He waved his hand. “Now Cleo, she’s the one to watch out for! She’s got a sharp little tongue on her, doesn’t she?”
“Mm.” I flattened my mouth.
“She must really take after her dad, ‘cause Mercy isn’t nearly as mouthy as she is.” A look of momentary panic flashed across his face. “Uh, don’t tell Mercy I said that, though, okay?”
At that moment, I would’ve done anything to be able to drill a hole through him with my eyes alone. Before I could put Luke in his place, we were interrupted by the sound of Mercy calling out for him from the other room, despite how loud the party had gotten. Clearly grateful to have a chance to escape, Luke whispered a soft little ‘excuse me’ as he slid by me to grab one last chip for the road. He brushed past so quickly, I didn’t even have a chance to tell him to back off.
As he leaned in, Luke had gotten so close I could smell him, and I wrinkled my nose without even realizing it. Even though he backed off right away, his scent lingered strongly enough to give me a headache. I couldn’t place what I hated so much about it, but there was just something off putting about it. Something… musky.
When it clicked, I turned to look at him, but he was already gone.