By the time I returned to my apartment, I was like a dead man walking.

At first, Raja thought I simply hadn’t heard him when he greeted me as I entered, but repeated attempts at getting my attention were met with an exhausted, unyielding stare that went through him and beyond him. There was nothing I had to say that was worth saying, so I holed up in my room for the rest of the day.

The summer sun poured in through the half-opened blinds, and I tracked the progression of time by watching the sharp yellow light ease into various shades of orange until, at last, the blue of night had fallen. The only thing I did all day was look up at the ceiling, dipping in and out of a tortured sleep for what felt like forever.

Every time I woke up, my body ached, each muscle tightly, unbearably wound. I didn’t feel like I’d rested at all - just like I’d fast-forwarded time. I raised my arm to look at the place where my lump once sat, but there was nothing there except for smooth, unblemished skin.

Right as I was about to drift back out of consciousness, a couple of knocks at my door startled me badly. Immediately, I jumped upright, nearly strangled by my own sheets. “What?! What is it?!”

Behind the door was Raja, blinking in surprise. “Jesus Christ, are you okay? I was just checking on you to see how you were doing ‘cause you’ve been in here all day. I was starting to think you died or something… wow, did you just go straight to bed when you got home?”

Blinking wearily, I looked down at the state of myself. I was still dressed in my station uniform - even my boots were still laced up - and my bedding looked like a tornado had torn through it. When I touched my forehead, it was slick, yet I was cold all over. I must have looked like absolute shit.

“I’m fine,” I lied. “Just not feeling too good.”

“You sure?” Raja didn’t seem to buy it for a second. “Looks like you caught a bug or something…”

That’s one way of putting it, I thought. After Mercy’s reaction, there was no way in hell I was going to tell Raja a damn thing. I didn’t want to risk a clever comment comparing me to any of the basket cases he’d met on the streets, and really, more than anything, I was just tired. I didn’t have it in me to pick open my scabs just so he could take a look inside.

“No, no, don’t worry about it. I just need some more sleep, I think.” I smiled halfheartedly before I turned over, hoping he’d take the hint and go away.

Unsatisfied with my answer, Raja came further into my room, and when he stood beside my bed, he shoved me on the back. “Move over.”

I didn’t move an inch. “Raj, please.”

“Move over,” he repeated, shoving me again. “I left you alone all day, and you look worse now than when you first got home. Obviously, whatever you’re doing’s not working.”

I wasn’t in a position to argue with Raja, so I scooted over to the other side of my bed and let him take my place. Then we were both on our backs, shoulder to shoulder, staring at the ceiling together.

“Damn, it’s like lying in a puddle,” he remarked. “You get night sweats a lot?”

“Stop it,” I sighed, annoyed. “I’m not in the mood.”

From the corner of my eye, I could see Raja turn his head. “Was your day at the office that bad? What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said. “It’d take too long to explain.”

“Why not start it off like a story?” He raised his eyebrows playfully. “Once upon a time…”

My frown only deepened further. “Seriously, stop it.”

Shifting around on the bed, Raja propped up his head with his hand. Unlike everyone else, there was nothing pitying about about the way he would look at me, only a silent understanding that bore no judgment.

“I’m not an idiot, you know. I can tell something’s bothering you.” His voice was surprisingly soft. “Talk to me, I just want to help.”

Even when I closed my eyes, I still felt his gaze on me. “I don’t know if you can.”

“You’re not even going to let me try?” He asked, sounding almost hurt.

There was such sincerity in the way Raja spoke. I swallowed thickly, avoiding eye contact for as long as I could, until I finally had the courage to look at him directly.

“Maybe I don’t want you to see what’s inside.” Out of habit, I laughed nervously. “I— I got a lot of baggage, amigo. More baggage than an airport.”

“Yeah?” He snorted. “Yeah? Got that Gucci baggage?”

I shook my head. “Nah, that’s too rich for my blood. I got that Chinese knockoff baggage.”

Though Raja smiled, it was obvious he wasn’t about to let this go. “Look, in all seriousness, what could you possibly be hiding that’s so bad? What, you set fire to an orphanage or something?”

“No, but— I— I don’t know,” I stammered. “It’s… it’s dumb.”

“Weren’t you the one telling me to say dumb shit anyway?” He narrowed his eyes like he’d caught me in a contradiction. “Practice what you preach.”

“It’s funny that you say that, but…” I turned to look up at the ceiling. “I think people like me better the less that they know me.”

In my mind flashed a series of faces, with their disturbed frowns and uncomfortable stares. I could never shake how much colder the bed got when they decided they couldn’t handle one more nightmare, or how much bigger crowds could seem when holding my hand became too much of a chore. Even on-again/off-agains, flings and one night stands didn’t have the stomach to put up with it for long, so I stopped trying.

Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

When I opened my eyes, I didn’t see their faces anymore - only Raja’s. Whatever was behind his expression, it wasn’t pity. It was something softer, something kinder.

“I’d feel bad dragging you into it,” I said quietly. “It’s better for you if you just leave well enough alone.”

As he listened, Raja scooted back down, settling onto his side so that he could look at me face to face. He slipped an arm out from underneath himself and reached for me, the pads of his fingertips grazing the tendon of my wrist. I watched his every movement, and he did too, until our eyes met.

“Drag me into it, then,” he whispered.

“Raj…” Just from the way I said his name, I felt beyond pathetic. “You don’t know what you’re asking.”

His stare was unwavering. “Remember when you first asked me to stay with you?”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “Why?”

“I thought the exact same thing at the time.” Raja ran his other hand through his hair, smoothing it back so his face was fully visible. “I thought… shit, Manny has no idea what he’s doing. I was so sure you’d get sick of me and throw me out in, like, three days. It’s what everyone else has done. And I won’t pretend it wasn’t always unjustified.”

In my chest, my heart swelled, but I lacked the spine to say so. Instead, I gazed at Raja as meaningfully as I could, and prayed that he could see it in my eyes.

“You’re not the only fucked up person on Earth, you know,” he continued. “Everyone’s got shit wrong with them. Why do you think people lie, cheat and steal?”

“Are you saying I should be fine with being a walking disaster ‘cause everyone is?” I smirked tiredly. “So if everyone else is jumping off a cliff, I should, too?”

Raja rolled his eyes. “No, I’m saying… shit, I don’t know. I guess what I’m saying is that as far as fucked up people go, at least you’re pretty nice about it. And… I don’t think you’re so far gone that there’s nothing worth saving, even if you are fucked up.”

I wanted to glance away, but I kept finding myself looking right back at him. “You don’t know that for sure.”

“I don’t, but…” He shrugged casually. “Guess I just trust you.”

In that moment, every second felt like a century. Raja’s dark eyes trailed down from my face towards our hands, where he pulled my wrist closer to him. My pulse jumped beneath my skin, frenetic and wild, though the rest of me sat perfectly still.

“I want you to trust me, too,” he said.

Even though Raja was practically begging me, I still couldn’t bring myself to be honest with him. All I wanted to do was push it down as deeply as possible, and now I was afraid that if I opened up, it would ruin everything between us right now. After waiting so long for this, I couldn’t bear to jeopardize it.

“Honestly, I just— I don’t really want to go into it right this second, if that’s okay with you,” I said, my words slipping out like a pained sigh. “Maybe another time.”

This seemed to finally make Raja back off. He let go of my wrist and sat upright, swinging his legs off the side of the bed as he prepared to leave.

“Sure,” he said briskly, with his back towards me. “Sounds like you could really use some more rest, so… I’ll leave you to it, then.”

At first, I was ready for him to leave me, until I’d seen just how dark my room was threatening to get. Anxiously, I reached for the bottom hem of Raja’s shirt as soon as he stood up. When he turned to look at me, his expression was hard to read, like he was disappointed, hurt, and maybe even a little confused. He raised an eyebrow as if he expected an explanation.

“You— you, uh, you want to make me feel better, right?” I asked. It came out so quickly, I sounded desperate.

“Hypothetically, yes,” he replied flatly. “But right now, I don’t really know what would help, and I’m kinda out of ideas.”

“Well, maybe you could, um…” My cheeks burned just thinking about it, but I didn’t want to spend another night alone. “You could play me a song?”

“Hm?” Despite Raja’s confused head tilt, he didn’t seem against it. “I thought you wanted to sleep.”

“To tell you the truth, I… ” Breathing in, I braced for impact. “I don’t like sleeping alone. And I don’t like it when it’s too quiet, either. It makes it hard for me to sleep.”

Raja said nothing, simply watching me as if his silence was meant to push me to continue.

“So maybe if you played me a song…” I couldn’t even stand to look at him. “It’d help.”

“You want me to sing you to sleep?” He asked. “Like a lullaby?”

God, I hate my life. I squeezed my eyes shut. “Fuck it. Forget I said anything.”

“Christ, Manny, you’re so sensitive! I’m not teasing you, okay?” Raja’s face lit up so genuinely, it was hard to stay mad at him. “Give me a sec, I’ll go grab the guitar.”

Now that I’d suggested it, there was no stopping him now. Raja was gone for barely a minute before he returned, guitar in hand, and sat cross-legged on the floor beside my night stand. While he got comfortable, he radiated a warm satisfaction like he’d finally gotten what he wanted.

“You don’t have to sit down there,” I said. “You can sit up here with me. I don’t mind.”

“Nah, I’m good,” Raja replied with a chuckle. “Sitting in your little bed puddle for as long as I did already got me smelling like you.”

“Is that a problem?” I raised an eyebrow. “You think I reek?”

“Why do you think I said if you were a cryptid, you’d be a skunk ape?” He positioned the guitar so that he cradled it in his legs, twisting the tuning keys once he’d gotten it settled. “Now, what do you want me to play?”

Thoughtfully, I wiggled my boots off, and each one landed on the floor with a hearty thud. Then I yanked my belt free of the belt loops, and it joined the little pile of clothes that was forming. Right when I’d taken off my pants, Raja cleared his throat.

“Should I be playing some kind of strip club music while you do this?” He pointed at me. “‘Cause those don’t usually involve string instruments. Those usually go more like… untz-untz-untz-untz. You know?”

“Man, shut up.” Smiling, I straightened my undershirt. “Don’t worry, the boxers are staying on.”

Raja flattened his mouth as he glanced up, down, and then away. “Um, anyway… you were saying? About the song?”

“Oh! Yeah. Um…” I settled back down on the bed, looking at him a little bashfully. “Will you play ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’? The one by the fat Hawaiian guy.”

“Is there any other version?” He grinned.

I couldn’t help but smile back, though it took more energy than I expected it to. “Not as far as I’m concerned.”

With the guitar in his lap, Raja held the neck of it and slung his other hand over its body. He ran his fingers along the strings, and that sweet, familiar little harmony followed after.

Resting my head against the pillow, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in, then let it out. While Raja brought the music to life, the anxiety had now left my system completely, and I was more exhausted than I’d ever been before. Muscles I didn’t even know could tighten suddenly relaxed, and I felt safe enough to let myself melt into the bed.

As the melody filled the room around us, the buzzing between my ears finally stopped.