image [https://i.imgur.com/TZv1Go4.png]
At half past 0700, my day had already begun at the firehouse, and I’d started running an equipment check to make sure everything was in working order.
I was glad that the changeover debriefing didn’t take long this morning; I wasn’t going to name names, but too many people at the station were so chatty, it was less about passing vital information and more about trading gossip at the end of a long shift. I wasn’t nosy enough to get much out of it, but it was an undeniable part of station culture that I did my best to navigate gracefully.
While I went through procedure to ensure my turnout gear was up to snuff, my stomach let out a long, gurgling whine. From behind me, I was startled by a melodious laugh. “Whoa, you sound hungry! Don’t tell me they starve the guys here!”
It didn’t sound like anyone I knew, so I turned around and was met with a young man I didn’t recognize.
He was several inches taller than I was, give or take with his boots, and his hair was a bronze-blond color, though it seemed a little long compared to the other guys. Across his face was a smile with teeth so pearly and straight, I knew he probably grew up in a gated community.
As we looked at each other, he reminded me of a puppy waiting for a pat on the head, beaming and excited. When I noticed that he wore the station’s uniform, I moved to face him more fully.
“Ah, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there,” I said. “Can I help you?”
“I sure hope so! It’s my first day— I don’t really know where to start.” The young man thrust his hand towards me forcefully. “Name’s Garrett.”
“Manny.” As I spoke, I was taken aback by how tightly he gripped my hand during the handshake, despite how clammy his palms were. Pointing it out seemed cruel, so I kept my observations to myself. “Nice to meet you.”
As if he’d been studying my face for any reaction, Garrett yanked his hand back and wiped it on his shirt. “Oh, sorry about that. I’m, uh, kind of a nervous wreck right now.”
“Nah, you’re fine. I was nervous my first day, too. You’ll be just fine.” I offered him a reassuring smile. “As a tip, though, you wanna get to the station earlier than this. If the boys around here think you’re slacking, they’re gonna fuck your shit up like crazy.”
“Oh, um— I appreciate the heads up,” he said earnestly. “But don’t feel like you have to go easy on me! I can take it!”
“If you say so,” I replied with a shrug, turning back to refocus on my inspection.
Garrett then fell into a dutiful silence as I continued going through each piece of equipment in my locker. The longer he studied me, the more I found his presence weirdly distracting, as if I were an ant under magnifying glass. I glanced at him from over my shoulder and was met with wide, eager eyes.
“Why don’t you go check in with the chief?” I motioned with my head towards the door. “He’ll want to get you fully boarded before you meet the rest of the crew.”
“Right! Right, I should go do that,” Garrett said. “I’ll see you later, then?”
“Mmhm,” I hummed. “See ya on the flip side.”
Garrett gave me an enthusiastic wave before marching off further into the firehouse, and when he was gone, I let out a sigh. His youthful enthusiasm seemed like it had a lot of potential to be exhausting. Hopefully he’d get some of that energy out of his system after a few calls.
The rest of the equipment checks went off without any interruptions, which I appreciated; a new probie in the station always put me a little on edge. The last probie we’d gotten was DeShawn, but he was such a natural that it took him barely any time at all to learn the ropes. Really, I just hadn’t been in a state where I could handle much change, but there was no choice but to push through it.
At breakfast, everyone at the station collected around the kitchen table. I took a seat next to Rob, who gave me a nod of acknowledgment as I settled in. “Heard the probie’s coming in today,” he said curiously. “You seen him yet?”
I nodded. “Met him earlier. Seems like a nice kid.”
“It’s been ages since we got a probie around here, it’s got me rackin’ my brain for all the pranks they played on me back when I first joined the station.” He paused to scratch his dark, fluffy mustache. “Shit, feels like forever ago…”
“Yeah, I bet it does,” interrupted DeShawn from across the table, “Given that you’re practically a fuckin’ dinosaur!”
Rob met the teasing with a broad, hoarse laugh, a sound you’d expect to come out of cars on their way to the junkyard. Around the kitchen, Heather and Liam were zipping around, adding the finishing touches to breakfast before everyone could collect a plate.
As much as I wanted to be part of the camaraderie, I was too distracted: last night, I had another dream about Feliz. These dreams always had a way of following me around for the rest of the day, and it was hard to shake off the uneasiness that settled in when I first woke up. The conversation between Rob and DeShawn proceeded to carry on without me, and I made no effort to join back in.
The laughter died down when Chief Cormorant entered the room with Garrett in tow. Everyone took a moment to give him a leisurely examination before Chief Cormorant cleared his throat with authority, his hands clasped behind his back.
“Everyone, today we welcome our newest firefighter, Garrett Casnoff.” Cormorant turned his head to Garrett. “Garrett, let me introduce you to your fellow firemen.”
He gestured to each of us in methodical order: Heather, as she finished setting down a stack of pancakes; Liam, while he already had eaten a slice of toast; DeShawn and Rob, as DeShawn had been showing Rob a video related to the playoffs; and then, lastly, to me.
When Garrett’s gaze arrived to meet mine, his eyes crinkled and he smiled warmly. To welcome him in, I scooted out the empty chair beside me and motioned with my head for him to sit beside me. Not only did Garrett notice, but so did the Chief, who looked quite satisfied with my efforts.
“I trust you’ll all do your best to make Garrett feel welcomed to the station.” Cormorant took his hands out from behind himself and made his way toward the door. “I’d love to join in for his first meal with us, but I’ve got paperwork to catch up on. Eat well, everyone; I know better than to expect leftovers.”
Everyone laughed, even Garrett. Before he took the chair next to me, he unzipped a little insulated bag he had slung across his shoulder. Everyone looked at him with rapt attention as out of his little bag came a tub of ice cream so big, it made me wonder how he’d squeezed it into such a little space. Simultaneously, everyone oohed in approval.
“I tried to do my research before my first day, so… I brought ice cream!” Garrett said with an almost boyish bashfulness. “Y’know, since doughnuts seem more like a cop thing.”
“Shit, is that Blue Bell? Ooh, I already like you!” Rob grinned. “Manny, if you’d brought ice cream your first day, I think we would’ve gotten on better a lot sooner…”
“Yeah?” I smirked back at him lazily. “The way to a man’s heart really is through his stomach, eh, gordo?”
“I figured I’d be arriving too late to help with breakfast, so bringing dessert seemed like a safe bet.” Garrett kept on wearing that crisp, shining smile as Heather made room in the freezer for the new addition. He gave her a noticeable once-over and she, too, seemed to notice just how bright his teeth were, judging from the way she looked back at him.
“Yo, probie, don’t you get too chummy with her,” said Liam, motioning to Heather. “We’ve all tried it and there’s no getting up that skirt, ice cream or not.”
Heather snorted as she shut the freezer. “You guys might have an easier time competing with my husband if you weren’t all beaten badly by the ugly stick.”
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“Hey, leave me out of this,” I said. “I've been nothing but a gentleman to Heather, 'cause unlike you fuckin' dogs, I know to keep my hands to myself.”
“Is that right? This is the first I've heard of it!” DeShawn elbowed Liam sharply in the arm. “Was that your New Year's resolution, Manny? Taking a sabbatical from pussy?”
“It's only fair, I say.” Rob threw an arm around my shoulder, his grin etching deep grooves into his round cheeks. “He's gotta leave some pussy for the rest of us, you know what I'm saying?”
“Coming from you? I'm shocked.” Liam's sarcastic tone betrayed his appearance of surprise. “Aren't you on your fourth wife, Rob? Fourth one in six years?”
The table fell silent before breaking out into a cacophony of laughter. While everyone continued their playful banter at the table, Garrett and I quieted down, settling into the background together. I noticed that he watched everyone very closely, as if he’d been making notes in his head, which could only be a good thing; better to learn now how hard and fast the jokes hit before trying and failing to be ‘one of the guys.’
Usually after breakfast followed chores or workout routines, but it was cut short: just as Liam had been explaining to Garrett what was up next, we were interrupted by a call over the system.
“… units respond … fire in residential home…”
We stopped what we were doing and launched into action, though I was on complete autopilot. Even the alarms seemed a little more distant than usual. Was I really that exhausted? There wasn’t time to down a Red Bull before we all piled into the apparatus - I’d just have to hope the adrenaline would give me a push until we came back.
When we arrived on scene, we saw a family huddled outside in the stark, pale light of the winter sun. Chief Cormorant was quick to congregate with the police officers and do an assessment while the rest of us hit the ground running, making access and pulling lines as soon as we got word to proceed.
I wasn’t sure how closely the others were keeping an eye on Garrett, but he seemed to gravitate near me by second nature. He was practically my shadow, following my lead where possible and taking my orders when he needed to. Having to think about the fire and Garrett was taxing my already waning stamina, but there was no choice.
The fire itself hadn’t been anything out of the ordinary: once we’d gotten the water flowing from the hydrant and into the heart of the house, it was over quickly. Just a simple accident involving a Christmas tree that had overstayed its welcome. The family, thankfully, had managed to completely evacuate before anyone needed medical attention.
When the flames had died down completely, we did whatever cleanup that was necessary before it was time to head back to the station and leave the rest of it to the EMTs. On the way back, the comedown was clear on Garrett’s face, drained of its pep.
“You okay?” I kept my eyes focused out the window as the streets rolled by, as I didn’t want to put Garrett on the spot by staring at him.
“Yeah! Yeah,” Garrett replied. “Just kinda… woo! First real call. My heart’s still going crazy.”
“You’ll feel like that for the first few times,” I said. “But it’ll wear off eventually.”
He nodded. “So, uh, what do we do when we’re back at the station?”
“We should hit the gym!” said DeShawn. “’Cause one, we’re already revved up from the call, and two, we could already use showers. Especially you, Liam, I can smell your ass from over here. Whew!”
“You sure that isn’t your ass, man?” Liam sneered. “I’ve seen your underwear and it looks like you could go muddin’ down there. Nasty!”
The laughter continued, but I said nothing else, fading into the background as I always did. The drive back to the station was a slurry of colors outside of the window, and I tried my best not to fall asleep on the way back by accident.
･ ･ ･
Having returned to the station, Liam, DeShawn and Garrett split off to the gym while Rob went to a quieter part of the station to catch up on some training materials. It left me with Heather to do a deep clean of the living area.
As Heather vacuumed the floor behind me, I displaced the couch cushions to get out all of the flakes, crumbs and dust out of the crevices. It was a miracle the cushions hadn’t fused together by now.
Suddenly, Heather shut off the vacuum, eyes darting around as if to determine how many ears were listening before she spoke up in a loud whisper. “Hey! Manny! Thoughts on the probie so far?”
As I ran leather wipes into the corners of the couch, I shrugged. “Seems like a good kid. He knows his shit and doesn’t act like he owns the place, so that’s good.”
“Yeah, I like him!” A big smile formed on her face. “It’s nice to have a guy around that has some manners— like actually holding the door open. Usually Liam just lets it close in my face and then says some crap about ‘gender equality.’”
I raised an eyebrow playfully. “Thought you wanted to be treated like one of the boys.”
“How come being treated like ‘one of the boys’ translates to acting like animals?” She said with a snort. “I don’t know if it’s funny or sad that y’all think courteousness towards one another is unmanly or gay or something like that.”
“You spend a few years working at this station and you think you’ve got all men figured out. Tsk, tsk.” I shook my head, amused. “You’re a walking Title IX suit waiting to happen, ain’t ya?”
She rolled her eyes and continued sweeping. “I’m just saying that Garrett seems like a good kid, so if you guys make him start acting like a dumb asshole to fit in, I’ll be pissed off.”
“If there’s dumb asshole potential in him, then it’ll come out naturally. As for me, I vow to do as little as possible to encourage it.” I thought for a moment before adding, “I can’t be held responsible for the guys, though, so good luck convincing them.”
Another eyeroll from Heather, but this time she smiled, too. “I appreciate that, Manny. I do.”
The rest of the day was uneventful, though only by our own metrics; we still had several calls we headed out to, but it was little more than false alarms, lift assists and minor fires hardly worth gearing up for.
Throughout the day, I checked my phone whenever I had a moment by myself to see if I’d missed anything important, but all that sat in my notifications was a text from a woman I’d been seeing telling me that she couldn’t see things working out longterm with my ‘issues.’ Harsh, but fair, though the prospect of going home to an empty bed only made sleeping more intimidating.
Into the evening, as I settled into the privacy of my dorm, I glanced over to my jacket hanging from the back of the door. The corner of a little white paper bag stuck out from its pocket like a dog's ear, and after a brief internal debate, I pulled it out and tore it open to examine the bottle and its directions.
So much hesitance over one little pill. I thought of my mother, whose idea of healthcare was old school: things like depression or anxiety - or whatever the fuck was wrong with me - didn’t exist. You just weren’t going to church enough, so clearly you’d attracted the attention of demons. She always told me how my father’s problems came from his faithlessness. Or maybe it was his unfaithfulness. I couldn’t remember which one.
As I examined the instructions, scanning but not really reading, I heard a knock from the doorway. Immediately, I scrambled to jam my medication back into the pocket of my jacket. When I whipped around, Garrett looked genuinely surprised in the doorway, holding a bowl of ice cream in his hands.
“What?” I tried to restrain any tone of accusation.
Audibly, Garrett swallowed. “Oh, sorry— is this a bad time?”
“Yes!” I barked. Instantly, a pang of guilt followed. “No— I mean… it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”
“Well…” He presented the ice cream more obviously as he entered further into the room. “… Is it something ice cream can fix?”
“… Sure,” I sighed, defeated by his aggressive friendliness.
I scooted so that Garrett could set the bowl down without bumping into me, but instead of simply leaving the bowl, he took a seat on the bed adjacent to my desk. Sensing he wanted a chance to talk, I took a deep breath and tried to switch my focus to him.
“How’s your first shift going so far?” I asked. “Feeling pretty good about it?”
“Yeah, it’s, uh…” Garrett laced his fingers together and put them behind his head, leaning back and exhaling. “It’s been… something. Kinda what I expected, kinda not what I expected.”
“It’s not what it’s like on TV, that’s for sure.” I watched the ice cream melt sluggishly around the walls of the bowl, untouched. “Or even what they tell you at the academy.”
“I’m glad I didn’t see anyone die today, but…” He moved his arms to cross his chest. “I wasn’t expecting to lift so many fat people off the floor. I didn’t think you’d be on a first name basis with them, either.”
“What, you think we work out on the job just so we can show off at the beach?” I smiled. “No point in bench presses if we don’t use it for the people who need it.”
His mouth flattened into a discontented little frown, though he said nothing. An awkwardness began to fill the space between his words and mine, and I wasn’t particularly in the mood to do anything to defuse it, so I pushed the bowl of ice cream - now more closely related to soup than solid - in his direction.
“Actually, I think I’m good on the ice cream after all,” I said quietly. “I’m just about to wind down for bed, and I don’t feel like brushing my teeth again, so…”
“Oh— oh, yeah, of course. No problem.” Standing from the bed, Garrett took the bowl back. “I’m just gonna go wrap up some last minute things real quick before I sleep, too, so… I’ll see you around, I guess?”
“Mmhm.” I turned back to the training material that had sat before me, untouched for what seemed like ages. “Holler if you need me.”
Quietly, Garrett made his exit. Once I felt secure in his absence, I gently shut the door behind him and sat back down in my seat.
Taking the bottle back out of my jacket, I rotated it carefully, rereading my name across it again and again. With an audible pop, I twisted the cap loose, revealing the half green, half tan pills stacked at the bottom.
I encourage you to be open minded.
I breathed deeply and closed the bottle.