AN:
Spoiler :
...
...Why the hell am I writing it now?
Dammit, I shouldn't be doing this. Things aren't looking good.
F~uuu...
Don't blame me if I get a bit excited, okay?
I'm very unstable when I'm sleepy.
ATTEMPT IV:
Okay, I'm gonna write this chapter, and not put doubts in every ones mind about history, the future, the present, and life, okay?
Okay. Here it is. Fuck me, the AN takes more time than the chapter cause' I write too much stupid shit.
Well, what is the chapter, except stupid shit...?
...was that a rhetorical question...?
...I just looked up 'inflexible' and went to images, and I got pictures of the Titanic...lol...
...you just wasted .1 seconds of your life reading the ellipses for this useless sentence, and now you've wasted 2 more.
TROLOLOLOLOOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
(Get it? Cause' there's nothing left to say? Cause' it's-
TOO LATE~ IT'S TOO LATE, TO APOLOGIZE~~~~~~
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I'm sorry.
Plz kil meh....but it'll be pretty hard cause' I'm...
TI-TA-NI-UM!
Who's insane? What? I am? What are you smoking?
HAHA
It's funny cause I set him on fire.
Hm? You want some space? But I love you! Oh well, guess you won't care in a minute.
It's sad, because you can only smother someone for a minute before they stop talking to you.
Heya, how's it hanging? Huh? You say I'm using the expression wrong?
Well of course someone with a broken spine would say that~
I bet you're 'dying' to see me?
Well too bad. You delicious eyeballs are mine, and no matter what Tiff says, I won't throw them in the ceiling fan.
Wanna know the difference between a limousine and people?
Limousines make terrible cupcake batter!
...Is it funny that I still doubt my own mental instability?
Whatever. I'll keep saying I'm insane, until proven otherwise.
And we all know that'll never happen.
...I'm gonna write the chapter now...before things start to get weird...
I thought about writing something different because I was totally blocked, but then...
A character emerged.
It whispered sweet nothings in my ear, and coaxed me when I lagged. Now...
I cannot wait to introduce you. :3
I keep telling myself to slow down...but screw that! ACCELERATE!
----------------------------------------
I always daydreamed about robbing a bank.
Funny, how life makes you do things you always wanted to, and yet somehow makes you feel miserable about doing it.
I unloaded the third slug into the blond-haired blue-eyed large-fanged teenager, and tried to tell myself I didn't enjoy it.
But, dammit! After playing all those FPS I had wet dreams every night for a month about putting a bullet in someones' skull.
...
...okay, that sounds really messed up when I think it out loud. Video games really do make you violent...
I shoot it in the eye just to make sure, and give Luke a yell. "Hey bitch-boy! Hurry it up!"
Luke's voice echoes from inside the vault. "I'm going as fast as I can! It's hard to find securities stash in all this money!"
I rub Six-shooter on my cheek. "Oh my precious gun, why are you the only reliable one around here?"
---
Two weeks ago, after meeting Luke, we spent a week getting used to each other. Well, I got used to Luke's wimpy voice, and he got used to doing what I told him. Now that I think about it...
Wouldn't I have made a fabulous pimp?
Oh well, fuck it. I doubt there are enough people left to fill out my ranks. And even if there were, what would I do when they started a mutiny?
...I think I'm thinking too deeply about this subject. I'll just drop it...
Still, from that day on, even when I no longer had a limp, I carried a cane.
In case a Luke-I mean, bitch-needed smacking.
The first time Luke asked me why I carried it, I gave him a lesson in manners. And bitch-smacking. With boys, you have to constantly remind them who's in charge. Otherwise, they start to think for themselves.
And that's dangerous.
I always liked jocks best. They rarely thought too much. And the ones who did...
Well, I wasn't awarded(unanimously, although not announced) the 'Conniving-Bitch' title for three years running.
Ah, those are some terrible memories. To my face they called me queen, and the second I turned my back, they went right back to my nickname, WSCB. It's an acronym.
I'll give you a hint. The last letter stands for 'bitch.'
But, that's why I always screwed over whoever I could. If you don't know who hates you, and no one likes you, then there's a simple solution.
Don't discriminate. Because if you just hate everyone equally, then you'll feel just as good grinding a nice-guys face into the dirt as stepping on a bastards.
Where was I...? I think I got off topic...right! Luke! Or as I've been calling him for the last two days...
"Oi, footstool. Keep your back straight."
"R-right, Tiff! S-sorry..."
Still, we'd been lucky.
We raided seven residences in those fourteen days, and only met two creatures. It was a simple matter of pinning them down with something metal, and sawing off their head with a saw we got in a hardware shop. Then I just scoop their eyes out, and voila!
But I don't have any place to get rid of them, so I have to keep all the eyes in a sack tied to my back-pack. Still, it was worth it, to see Luke's face when he opened a small sack to see several pairs of differently colored eyes staring back at him.
I think my nightmares appreciated the fuel. Assuming that I'm awake right now, and that this isn't the nightmare.
Sometimes, reality get's so ridiculous that I start to lose my sense of direction. But not to fear!
Having Luke really does help.
"Hey Tiff! I found some more gauze, should we take it?"
"Did you bust your shin again like an idiot?"
"N-no!"
"Then what do you think the answer is?"
"...you don't..mean...about it..."
I cock Longsilver, as I've started calling my gun, and call out innocently.
"What was that?"
"Nothing!"
"I thought so. Now get back to work!"
Ah...I really like having a minion that's so easily intimidated. And the best part is...
He doesn't know how terrified I am!
---
Breaking someones' leg over and over is tedious as hell.
*snap*
*crunch*
"You done yet?" I call out.
"No." Luke replies.
*snap*
*crunch*
"Are you done yet?"
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.
"No."
*snap*
*crunch*
"How about now?"
"Yes."
"Really!?"
"No."
*snap*
*crunch*
"Arrgggghhh! Do you know how boring snapping someones bones repeatedly is!"
Luke walks out, carrying a blue duffel-bag. It has an enlarged police-badge on it, and clinks metallicly. I wink at Luke. "I hope they don't mind me 'borrowing' these."
He grunts, and shrugs. "Doubt they mind anything, anymore."
He's gotten like that lately. Guess for most people, keeping a cheery disposition is hard. Luke must have changed a lot in these past couple months.
*snap*
*crack*
But I don't get the feeling I changed at all...
Luke coughed softly. "Ahem...you don't have to keep breaking his leg."
I nod. "Right, right. I knew that."
As we get read, I do a quick survey of the guy I'd been crushing.
He seemed...lethargic. Like all the healing had been a workout. I had been snapping its' bones for the last half-hour.
I guess even immortals get tired. But since he's shown weakness...
It'd be a shame to not do anything, right?
I grab it by the hair. Ineffectual claws reach up, but I swat them aside.
Were these things really to be feared? I mean, at first they're twice as strong, but after you get into a good position and start breaking them, they just get weaker, and weaker...
I push my fingers into the boys' eye-sockets. Your pretty-blue irises are mine now.
I tuck the pair of squishy eyes into my pouch, and step out. Behind me, a blind creature thrashes around.
They almost seem pitiful now...
I step through the pillars, down the steps, then run into Luke.
"Ow, what the hell?"
Luke makes a small, high-pitched voice with his throat. I follow his eyes.
I feel a little bit of disbelief. I must be asleep right now, right? This must be fiction.
At the least-the very least-forty creatures are standing in a loose gaggle staring at us from across the street.
My first thought...
"I guess we found out where all the people went."
My second thought...
"I'm gonna need a bigger pouch."
My third thought...
"OH FUCK MY LIFE!"
I grabbed Luke's shoulder and took off. He stumbled before gaining his stride and runs beside me. We head downtown.
Behind me, the screech starts, gets louder, and louder, and doesn't seem to stop until my ears start ringing so bad I can't hear anything at all. I tug Luke's' shoulder towards an apartment building, and we sprint up the stairs.
The creatures are generally bad with handrails, due to the claws and all. Well, for the first couple steps.
Then they learn how to do it, and shit gets real. Not that it's fake right now. But I mean, I have that whole real-fiction problem, so maybe I should be doubting the existence of shit...
Regardless, now isn't the time to ponder on the metaphysical properties of shit. Now is the time for not dying.
Fucking zombies ruin everything!
I run until I come to the sixth floor, and keep running until I find an open door. The lock appears to have been busted, along with the handle, but there aren't any claw marks. Oh well, maybe they learned how to use sledge-hammers?
Fucking zombies!
I throw Luke on the nearest piece of furniture, then close the door. I go to the nearest metal pole--the shower-curtain-hanger--and wedge it into the door and the lock. Then I look at Luke again, and feel like kissing him.
In a totally gay way. I am, after all, a guy right now. The duffel bag got caught on his arm, and he didn't drop it.
I extract the poor bag from him, leave him panting and wheezing, and put my hand on the zipper. Then I hear someone behind me.
"Um, hey. My name is Alice Carter! Nice to meet you! Unless you have a craving for human flesh, hehe~"
"..."
"..."
"...Hey, Luke. Do you wanna try cannibalism?"
"...I don't think I'm ready for that yet. Why don't you try saying hello."
"...hm, that sounds like a good idea. I'll try it.
"Um, hey, I'm right here~~"
"Hello. ... .... ...shit, Luke, what do I say next?"
"Try telling her your name. That's usually a good start."
"Right you are! Hello, Aleks Skater! My name is... ... ...shit, Luke, I forgot my name. What was it again?"
"Tiff."
"Right! So, Allen Crater, my name is Tiff, and that over there is useless, but I just call him bitch."
"Uh...hi, uh...Tiff? And...bitch."
"No, my name is Luke. Don't listen to him."
"Luke!? Since when! You never told me this! How can you call me your friend!?"
"I've never once called you my friend, and I told you my name when we first met. You don't remember?"
"...wait...oh! You were that guy who pissed himself, fainted, then squealed like a squirrel and fainted again! Right?"
"...that's me."
The door rattles, and I grunt. Well, at least I'll die in company. Speaking of...
I poke Luke, who's sitting on the couch. Alene is sitting in a wooden chair, and behind her two more people are waiting. One is very tall and skinny, the other is very short and skinny.
"Hey bi-I mean, Luke. There are two people behind that weird girl. Should I shoot them?"
He pushed Longsilver down. I must have automatically aimed it. "No. Why not let them introduce themselves first?"
The banging in the background continues, and I resist the temptation to start shooting. The two shadows step forward, the tall one speaking first...
"Greetings, I am Bren."
The short one mumbles something, and pulls the blue hoodie lower.
More banging, and some splintering. I look around at everyone.
"Well, I'll probably not live long enough to explo-build relationships with all of you, but I will say this.
I look forward to meeting you again in hell."
Then I opened the duffel bag, and pulled out the most beautiful thing I'd ever held in my life.
An honest-to-Confucius shotgun. I pondered a moment, thinking about why a bank would have one of these. Then I stopped thinking, and just fondled the pump-action, the trigger, the stock, and the barrel. I think I might have fallen in love.
The banging continues, but a new emotion steals over me. Excitement. Why?
A horde of unkillable monstrosities are tearing the door down.
And I have a 12-gauge.
Hell yeah.
To be continued...eventually...probably...maybe...I don't know...I want a bagel...