AN: Well, it seems we've gotten here already.

...

I'd like to thank my mom, my dad, the academy, my grandparents, my uncle tom, my aunt Katy, my great aunt Jammima, the twins, my niece, my nephew, the mailman, my bed, the secret stash of drugs under my bed, the rock outside my front door where I keep my keys, the Geralds, the Jefferys, the Fergasons, the Mcguffries, the Almaclunkskies, and most of all, I'd like to thank YOU, the reader.

Or not.

JK

TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

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Giving Ghost a nudge with my knee, he came to a stop under a thick leafy canopy. Under the shadow of the tree, I looked out over the road that was less than a hundred meters away. As I surveyed the situation developing, I turned back around and took stock.

Thirty-six goblins. Stinky, short, green, untrained, untried, and terrified out of their minds. If it's only something like this, my cunning is truly being wasted.

"I need a lieutenant. Who has the ambition for the job?"

The goblins all sneakily eyed each other, but no one took the first step. In goblin culture, the one who made the first move was the one who died first. From behind the group, a voice thick with the goblin accent shouted.

"I do."

I looked over the groups heads', and spied Pokey tugging Sleepy along. I nodded. "Good. You will obey Po-that one as you would me. Now, here's the plan, if you fuck up, I'll use your skin as toilet paper."

---

From the goblins reactions, I'd finally been able to figure out the exact distance at which the notification of my presence would pop up. I waited just outside that range, and waited for the first step of my plan to go through. This wouldn't require much timing, but it would be more dramatic and believable if I got it right.

They sure are taking a while...

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Olivia Bonfried Jealstroms' POV

The forest shook, and something crashed through the undergrowth.

I'd been riding in my carriage, on the way to check on one of my vassals towns. Rumor stated that a demon was in the area, and I wanted to make certain that the defense was seen to.

On the road between Vanbe and Namstead, one of the horses leading my carriage had broken a leg. The driver claimed that one of the horses had suddenly started to slow down, causing the carriage to turn, which led to one of the horses getting injured.

As night was quickly approaching, we made camp. At dawn, we set about preparing to send someone off to fetch help, when this happened.

Out of the forest, a large boar came thundering from the undergrowth. It had horns as well as tusks, and bony spins extending from its' back. My four guards prepared to defend me, when-

Named Monster <> has arrived.

The guards all froze in surprise, and one was immediately speared on the end of the boars' spine. The other three looked in fear at the awesome existence known as a <>.

It-or rather, Imed, turned and prepared to charge again. It was bleeding from several cuts, and had spears and arrows sticking out from its' hide, but that only seemed to infuriate it. The guards grimly faced it, facing towards death with open eyes. The boar charged-

"<>"

From behind the boar, a cloaked figure on a horse charged forward. The boar began to run, but seemed to have trouble, as if pushing against a wall. The horse came forward, and carefully avoiding the spines, reversed and kicked the boar in its' side. The monster tumbled and rolled, before coming back up. Beside me, the cloaked figure swept down from the saddle.

In a serene, almost soothing voice, the figure spoke. "You three, surround it. Don't let it get a fix on you, keep it disoriented."

My guards moved as if following his orders were natural, and split up to surround the monster. It seemed oddly sleepy, and moved slowly. With the three guardsmen all stabbing it from different angles, keeping it from gaining the advantage, the weakened monster soon slowed, and then died. Afterward, the stranger clapped.

"Wonderful. Couldn't have done it better myself. Now..."

Here the cloaked figure turned to me, and offered a hand.

"You seem to be in a spot of trouble. Need a hand?"

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Imeds' POV

Offering my hand to the young noble, I lifted her to her feet,(sorta) and escorted her to the carriage. After depositing her inside, I waved at the driver and the three guards. The guards obediently walked over, while the driver threw up some complaint.

"Um, sorry to be rude, kind stranger, but the horse is injured and her ladyship-"

I held up a hand to forestall the rambling that was sure to come, and jerked a thumb at Ghost.

"I have a horse. I can ride in the carriage."

The driver opened his mouth, but by that point the three guards had gotten their comrades' body onto his horse, and mounted up themselves, and even the noblewoman was looking at him. He sighed and got up into his seat. I smiled cheerfully, started to hop up on top of the carriage next to the driver, then remembered something.

"Hey, you." here I pointed at the youngest of the guardsmen, a lad of less than twenty winters.

"Who, me?

"Yeah, you. Have you ever learned the true meaning of 'mercy?'"

The lad shook his head. I nodded, then led him over to the injured horse. When he came to stand next to me, I motioned at his dagger.

"This beast here is loyal. Brave. It did its' job well, and was a boon to its' handlers. Now, it's slowing down the group, and out here in the wilderness, it will no doubt be eaten by monsters. Do you think it would prefer being alive, or dead, at that point?"

The young man paled. I pointed at the dagger again, and lowered my tone. "Now son, I could do this for you. No one will laugh at you. But...do you think this beast would prefer dying by the hand of a stranger, or by the hand of someone it served beside?"

The boy opened, then closed his mouth, and trembling, unsheathed the dagger. "Sir, I...I don't think I can let you do that. But I don't think I can do it."

I clapped him on the shoulder.

"Have courage. When you're lying on the ground, bleeding cause' some bastard gutted you, you better hope that someone's going to have the courage to show you mercy. Because when all's said and done, it takes more courage to kill a man than it does to die. Do unto others as you would have done unto you, am I right?"

His hands shook on the hilt. "I'm hearing your words, and I'm thinkin' they're true, but...I just don't think I can do it."

"Here. When it's your time, you can help guide your saviors' hands too." I held his hand, and helped him draw the knife across the injured horses neck. I also held my hand up in front of the boy, so he didn't get blood sprayed in his face. His face was white, and he panted for a minute. I clapped him on the back, and stood up.

"Take a minute. You're in shock. Lie down, and catch up in a little. Don't push yourself."

He mutely nodded, and I hopped up on the carriage. Together, we set off.

---

After about an hour of riding, A knock came from inside the carriage. We stopped, and the driver went down to open the door. The noblewoman stepped out, and the guards started making preparations for lunch. I started snooping around, then returned while carrying some things. I sat down at the fire, and started grilling a mushroom. A pleasant smell began to waft.

Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

When it had turned a beautiful golden-brown color, I took a bite out of it. When I made appreciative noises, the guards came over.

"Hey, whatcha eatin?"

I shrugged. "Just enjoying natures' bounty. It isn't often you see these kinds a mushrooms, and they only taste right if you eat em' fresh. Wanna try?"

I handed over the mushroom, and the three guards tried it out for themselves. When their backs were turned, I spit it out. I don't know if zombies have working stomachs, but I don't want to find out they don't.

A little while after, the driver had unhooked the horses, and Ghost came over to nuzzle my shoulder. I patted him and fed him some of the berries he liked. After ruffling his mane, the driver came over and sat down next to me.

"Your horse is very well trained. Not often you see one as docile and good-natured."

I laughed and gave the driver a big smile. "I won't deny that he's well-trained, but docile is pushing it. He's a bit of a kicker, as you've seen."

The driver burst out laughing, and together we traded jokes. Then the guards came over, and we were all soon laughing like old drinking buddies.

After a half-hour, an audible clearing of the throat could be heard. The guards immediately shut up, and the driver went pale. I looked over at the noblewoman, who was standing very proudly.

"I think, for the remainder of the trip, that this kind gentleman should ride in the carriage with me."

This elicited some surprise, but not much. After the guards were mounted up, the horses hooked back on, and everything repacked, we were on our way again.

Inside the carriage, I sat with a straight back, and observed the noblewoman. She was trying very hard to stare down her nose without directly looking at me. Amusing, but I don't have time for laughter right now.

"So, a beautiful young woman, accompanied by only four escorts, or five, counting the driver, and you're all the way out here. Now, what could you be doing? Perhaps finding a dragon to kidnap you?"

She whipped her head towards me.

"I'm very capable of taking care of myself, thank you, and getting taken by a dragon is so overrated. If I had to choose to be abducted by something, I'd choose trolls. They, at least, would be interesting to find more out about."

I leaned against the side of the carriage. "Oh? You're sure it's not because trolls are well known to be endowed with 'gifts' aplenty?"

She went red in the face, then turned away. "Just for saying such a crude thing, I should have you forced on your knees and decapitated."

"Oh my, that would be horrible. Let me get on my knees on my own, then, and perhaps you'll let me keep my head?"

Her eyes flitted towards my face, then quickly flitted away, embarrassed by my even look. "You seem to be very full of yourself, for a strange man in the middle of the forest. Where'd you come from, anyway?"

I ignored her question. "Oh? But what's a man to think, being invited by a young lady into her carriage, all alone out in the woods...almost straight out of a novel, don't you think? Or perhaps you're too young to know what I'm talking about?"

She turned to face me. "I know very well what you're saying, thank you very much! And I'd appreciate if you didn't say disgusting things simply to get a rise out of me. It's undignified for a lady to get taunted."

I tilted my head sideways, resting my head on my arm. "But, it's just so fun! With all the colors your face is, I could paint a picture worth ten thousand words. 'A rose and lily, red and white, slipping incandescently through each other, creating a stream of beauty.'"

She calmed down, and stared disapprovingly at me. "You say such poetic words, yet you can't fool me. I know a prick when I see one."

I straighten up. "Oho! To say such a thing, you're practically tilting your neck to me! Oh, the things I could say, the colors you would turn, oh, the thought itself is heartwarming~"

She slammed her fist against the door. "Shut up! I've had enough of your stupid words and-"

From outside, the drivers' voice floated in. "Do you wish to stop?"

"-I would like it if you kindly closed your fucking mouth!"

The driver fell silent. "...Yes, my lady..."

She looked crestfallen, and scooted toward the door, then looked at me.

"You make it too easy, your ladyship." I spoke, while hiding my mouth with a hand.

She sighed deeply. and collapsed against her seat. "...Whatever. I guess, if this is what you want, I'm honor-bound to repay you for helping us. Do your worst."

I stopped grinning like a fool, and folded my hands. "My lady, I apologize. It was piggish of me to repeatedly taunt you so. It's just...you one of those people, you know?"

She lazily looked at me. "One of those people'? What do you mean?"

I scooted forward, to the edge of my seat. "You know, the way I see it, there are four types of people in this world."

She looked at me, and it was her turn to be coy. "Ho? And how did you figure that?"

I stated bluntly, "Experience. Something your ladyship is obviously lacking. Unless you wish to correct me?"

She shut up.

"Now, there are the people who slog down the road of life, stepping in a straight line. Sometimes they step in puddles, and it's misfortunate, but really, what can they do?

Then there are those lucky bastards, or walk down that road and slip past the puddles as if they aren't there. The rotten fuckers.

And then, there are people like you. Every step you take, every move you make, you seem to be stepping deeper and deeper into water, until you're waist deep. It's sad, really.

Then, the fourth type-"

The carriage shook a little. The noblewoman looked around. "What was that?"

I wave my hand dismissively. "It's nothing. Anyway, don't you agree?"

She sighed again. "Sure, sure. But, if that's the case, what kind of person are you?"

The carriage comes to a stop. I open the door, and step out. I walk past the line of goblins armed with spears, and turn from their backs to once again look at the lady. To the side, the unconscious guards and driver are piled, the sleep-inducing mushroom having finally taken affect. I spread my hands to the side, palm-up.

"I, my lady, am one of those people who make the puddles. Which you just stepped in."

The young lady looked from me, to the goblins, to the passed-out guards and driver. She closed her mouth, then stared right at me, speaking as if enlightened.

"You sleazy fuck-bucket waste of oxygen."

I grin, and bow. "At your service."

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Asheras' POV

I was ready to pull my hair out.

After hearing from the mercenaries that had traveled with him, I found out he'd been left somewhere in the middle of the road. They said some other stuff, something to do with names, but I wasn't listening.

After sprinting down the road, since my horse died to feed the wolves, I met with a carriage and a catatonic-noblewoman, spouting nonsense about some goblins or something. When I got back to the place where I had fought the wolves, I felt like smashing something.

Here I am.

In the middle of the forest, with nothing but my bow, some arrows, a short sword, and no leads whatsoever.

I swear...when I find that bastard...

Ooooohohoho, I'm gonna have some fun...