The Floating Quarter of Gradden March lay on its funeral pyre, its final burst of light blinding the cowards and traitors who murdered them all those years ago. Hopefully. Maybe. If it really happened. I looked at my summons. At Versai, trying to sort through her own internal bonfire of emotions. At Osain, the greasy merchant, and Jones, the Bowman hero who looked like he was about to die with acceptable regrets. I tried not to look at Madam. I wasn’t ready to accept what had happened to her.

I wasn’t ready to accept that this was all real. That they were all real. Because if my summons were real people, then the monsters were ‘real’ too, and I had really just looked a monster in the eye and stabbed them to death. Screaming and wishing I could piss myself in terror the whole time.

But I couldn’t piss myself, on account of being shoved in this doll body and no longer being able to eat or drink. Which kind of undercut the whole ‘this is real, these people are real,’ thing.

I looked over at the Mikas- all alike once, now subtly different with hodge podge armor and a grinning Corporal leading them. I swear she reached for a non-existent cigarette, then played it off like she was fixing her blatantly fake army uniform.

There was something real there, some buried memory of someone. Or maybe a lot of someones, run through an eldritch blender and poured into legal-in-your-jurisdiction waifus in short skirts and push up bras. Being cutely clumsy, looking savably worried about minor issues, going “awawawa” (well, she hadn’t actually said that but it seemed on brand) and generally being moe bait. The Mikas are a damn meme.

Then she lined up on a wall, crossbow peeking over her shield, and that floppy white beret shaded the hardest, coldest eyes I have ever seen. The rest of my summons were hard cases too. It’s just that Mika had that Scout Company “If we die, we don’t die alone” spirit. Corporal Mika looked like she was ready to go shot for shot with Revy and shut down a street full of bars in Roanapur.

I know perfectly damn well that a fat weeb like me isn’t qualified to breathe the same air as women like that. Or anyone like that. Probably not allowed in the oxygen range of the better class of dogs. And clams. I recognize my sub-clam status here, okay? But none of us are actually breathing right now and my hands are quite literally covered in the blood of my enemy and a whole damn city is burning down around me and SOMEHOW I have to save these people from a world I don’t understand and win a game I didn’t ask to play and keep all of them alive and you will excuse me if it’s all a bit much and I would very much like to be back in New York in my paid-off duplex with my anime and hentai and videogames!

I could feel myself spiraling into a panic attack. Then a cool sensation washed over me, calming me. Centering me. I looked up at the floating victory sign. Big rewards incoming. I had triumphed on the battlefield. Cleared the relic site. Got powerful underlings, some great loot, unlocked new systems, all good things. Time to really break this game wide open. There was a golden flash, and I was back in the Tower. Home sweet home.

The first thing I noticed about the Tower, after I woke up from the body snatching, was that the floor was uneven. It was missing stones in the floor, had lichen growing everywhere and somehow most irritatingly, didn’t have any glass in the windows.

The whole building was still standing. It still seemed structurally sound. I didn’t find so much as a fleck of broken glass anywhere inside or outside the building. So why all the empty windows? It was phony as an importer’s “Special Offer” on age restricted and shrink wrapped products.

One of my last orders before the final battle at Gradden March was for the Judiths and Marci to fix up the Throne Room. My hope was that it would trigger something new. Some new system or buff or something. I stood next to my plush recliner/throne, waiting for any kind of acknowledgement. Waited a little longer. Sat down on the smooth, comfortable microfiber of authority. There continued to be nothing. I softly closed my eyes and massaged my temples.

Maybe you needed a special merchant or something. Like you had to buy the Tower upgrades, or unlock them or something. Yeah, just because you had carpenters and workers on staff, why would that mean they could really fix things up?

My workers did an okay job. Not great, but I’ve lived in worse places. I had windows now. That was something. I walked over and took a closer look. Single paned glass. No insulation value to speak of. Might as well stack up my Runed Bones and burn them to heat the Tower. It would probably be cheaper than keeping the furnace running. The Tower remains a scam.

I looked over at my solid gold statue of a Daschund. It truly was The Snoot of Joy. You couldn’t look at the face full of derp and stay mad.

In fairness, they were nice windows. All pointy at the top and the metal holding up the individual frames made a pretty pattern. I don’t know what you call that. A matrix? Sub-frames? There comes a time in every man’s life where he must admit that, despite looking at windows every day, he knows nothing about them.

The rest of the room had just been tidied up. The floor was leveled, the missing stones were replaced, and the lichen was removed from the wall. I had my plush, reclining canary yellow throne, I had my golden wiener dog and that was it. The sum total of my seat of power.

Could there be more upgrades in the treasure chests? I was promised treasure chests- plural, in the victory announcement. I had a look around the Throne Room, and was not disappointed. First, because there were three chests on the floor. Big, glowy treasure chests. Under other circumstances, my first concern would be that one was a mimic.

Under the circumstances that I hadn’t just been bathed in absolute horror and just murdered a person. Who was a monster, who had turned an entire city against itself and was absolutely working to see hundreds of thousands of people eaten alive as they were violated in every sense of the word imaginable. But also a person. Human enough to pass as a priest for months. Who saw me and understood me enough to despise me.

I was stabbed with homesickness again. This time not for New York or my apartment, but for the bubble of pink softness of my distant Weeaboo home. I could feel the depression spiraling down on me. On the one hand, now felt like exactly the time to indulge it. On the other hand, I had a new Six Star, plus apparently the whole of Gradden March. I didn’t want “depressed loser who somehow eaked out a win” to be my first impression as the new boss. I have a feeling there is no coming back from that one.

Deep breath. Fake it ‘til you make it. If my happy weeb bubble is what I need to be functional, to get me through the day, then embrace that Astolfo body pillow with pride. Get active! Get spiritual, Aqua style. Let us pray.

“Oh, great Sky Daddy Pachinko, hallowed be thy name. Thy new games come, thy pulls be done, on Earth as it is in Monstadt. Give us this day our daily log-in bonuses, and forgive us our mods, as we forgive those who mod against us. Lead us not into debt, but deliver us from pay-to-win. For thine is the Game, the VIP Pass, and the Monthly Sales Chart, forever and ever, Amen.”

I held up my hands, rubbing my thumb against my fingers in supplication. Then I opened the first chest. Which exploded. Stuff went flying everywhere- resource packs, costume packs, Resonance Crystals, materials I couldn’t identify, and a small collection of glowing papers. Before I dug in, I rushed to the other chests. I wanted a true loot bath. I have earned my loot bath.

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Could I open both at once? No, they were too far apart. Disappointing. I lifted the next lid, and there was another pillar of golden light as even more resource packs, stone tapes, millinery orders and more went flying.

The last chest was the most interesting. There was a stack of directed summoning fragments, a few tokens I didn’t recognize, and a scepter. Basically just a gold stick with a sphere on top of it, but still, unmistakably a scepter.

Tower Master’s Arsenal: Scepter of Bolog-Sur (RARE). Usable exclusively by the Tower Master. Bolog-Sur was known as “The Pruning King,” as, per his official biography, one must prune to maximize yields. Unofficial biographies state that he was fixated on identically proportioned citizenry, and found differences in height particularly upsetting. Holding the scepter while giving orders in the Throne Room significantly improves efficiency.

Well. First rare item, so that’s nifty. Any chance it was boiled before being put in the box? It does look clean but… Happy thought- ‘improves efficiency’ is incredibly vague. Are you a terrifying little exploit-stick? You are now! Yes you are. Yes you are!

Actually, it was probably always a terrifying exploit-stick. I have a magical summoning pool, but no soap. Awful. Deep breath. Focus on the positive. I dove back into the loot piles.

Five hundred trash tier resource packs. Five. Hundred. THERE’S the times-ten multiplier I was looking for! Holy Jebus, I’mma pour concrete from Hell to Breakfast, and they don’t serve no meals in this Tower! Concrete for DAYS. Nobody’s knocking down my walls!

Huh. They have a little road logo at the top.

ROADWORK RESOURCE PACK (TRASH TIER)- Contains all necessary materials to build a basic road. Bridges and crossing special terrain may require more or higher grade materials.

That one caught me a bit short. I mean… road building packs mean I’m going to have to build roads. But… why? Future me’s problem, I guess.

I dove back into the exploded loot. There were more resource packs in there. None with suspicious logos on them, thank the Goddess, but a lot fewer of them. I did a quick count, and smiled. Fifty uncommon resource packs, and ten rare. I couldn’t help grinning, seeing them all.

Pretty sure Rakim needed Blue Magnesium to build the invisible-murder-baboon detectors. Fingers crossed there were some in the packs. I’d find out later.

Stone Tapes… rapidly got too annoying to count. I stacked them into piles of ten, then just matched heights. When I had ten stacks of ten, I pushed them off to the side and started over. When I was done stacking, I had two hundred neat little stacks.

Two thousand EXP tokens. Time to find out how expensive it was to level a Six Star Awakened Soul! But first, the rest of the sweet, sweet loot. I sorted through the various receipts, orders and the like for some costume and furniture pieces. Nothing really grabbed my attention- they were purely cosmetic costumes. Still. They would be quite nice.

One accessory was for some ribbons for Miyuki’s hair. Not quite sure what it would look like. Please not twintails. Twintails on her would be all wrong. Still. New accessories for my Ninja Sniper. Life wasn’t all bad, was it?

I now had a good sized stack of orders for Cutthroat Clothiers. The victory message said they were unlocked now. Ought to go check them out. Later would be soon enough. There was more to discover.

Buried at the bottom of the orders were ten Frozen Diamonds. The most difficult to acquire premium currency in the game. Atrocity Mode might make the difficulty insane, but the rewards were equally lavish. I was in no rush to spend them. They were just too rare, and too useful. In the final battle of the Gradden March Floating Quarter, three Frozen Diamonds bought a spell tower that could clear the whole map on its own. Who knows what I could use it for in the future?

The last interesting thing from the loot-splosion was the small stack of glowing papers.

The top paper was thicker than what I was used to, more like card stock or construction paper. A creamy white, with gilt edges and elegant black cursive letters on it. Shameful to admit, it took me a little while to get used to the script.

Alethai Corp. Superior Sky Realm Management Interface (RARE). Redeem at any Gnome Market. Delivery and Installation is free with our compliments. “Soar Through The Sky With Alethai!”

Nifty? My eye was stuck on the words ‘management interface.’ I would generally assume that meant a menu, so why would an upgraded menu be a major reward? It could just be a cosmetic effect- everyone gets the same menu, but mine comes with a fancy decorative border. I guess I would find out. Rare is good. Still reason to hope. What was next?

Alethai Corp. Superior Throne Room Upgrade Package (RARE). Redeem at any Gnome Market. Delivery and Installation is free with our compliments. “Soar Through The Sky With Alethai!”

I could feel my face twitching. I had spent one of my precious orders fixing up the Throne Room for nothing. It seems that the Throne Room does serve a mechanical purpose in the game, and in what should not have been a surprise, was gated behind a progression reward. Because of course it was. Although… interesting that I could ‘repair the Tower’ without getting any game recognized mechanical benefits of having repaired the Tower. Not sure how that is immediately exploitable. If we were to assume that, say, at one point something would go up on the roof, but before then I put a ladder up to the roof and placed snipers, would the system allow it?

No idea. But Miyuki had a grappling hook and was a Ninja so the possibility was there.

Alethai Corp. Sky Realm Council Meeting Bell (RARE). Redeem at any Gnome Market. Delivery and Installation is free with our compliments. “Soar Through The Sky With Alethai!”

No idea about that one, but sure. Maybe a mechanism to summon this currently non-existent council? But if they were my summons, I could literally summon them by yelling down the stairs. So what’s the use of the bell?

At this point, I really, REALLY want to know who and what Alethai is. The repetitive messages got so damn grating. In most games, my eyes didn’t even see the mass-produced flavor text. It just looked like a texture next to the all important graphics and the less important but still valuable stats.

There was only one item left. This paper somehow felt both rough and glassy, like chipped obsidian. Maybe that was me projecting, as the paper was inky black, stamped with blocky, scarlet letters.

WELCOME TO YOUR NIGHTMARE

No punctuation. I’m sure that’s fine. The victory announcement did mention unlocking a Nightmare Realm of Trials, but I figured it was one of those “every day we stick a new boss in and you have to defeat it in X amount of time” type things. Like, each boss was a puzzle and you needed the right combination of summons to defeat it, not just your favorites.

Guess I’d find out. And hey, at least they didn’t spell it ‘you’re.’

Lots and lots to do… Where to begin? Sky Realm sounded important, but nobody had actually explained what it was to me. Good place to start. I walked over to the notice board and tapped the notice for the Gnome Market.

From out of the notice popped the broad polished wood counter and the distinct-for-copyright-purposes Kallax shelves. Behind the counter, blatantly standing on a box, was the ‘Gnome.’ Who was actually less responsive than some actual dolls, for all that she looked alive. She still had all the usual Gnome accessories- overly elaborate brass spectacles, unnecessary buckles and lots of inexplicable geegaws hanging off her. Still styling the sensible leather jacket and the bouncing curls of her red-gold hair was salon-fresh as ever.

“He he he HELLOoooo! Welcome to the Gnome Market! Special prices for special customers. See what we have on offer today!”

No, she had lost her charm. Her endlessly repeated bark was annoying now. I had to be in and out as quickly as possible. I did have to wonder if she was also a paired down soul. There was just so little to her, in every sense. She could easily have been a sort of animatronic puppet, no soul required. Morbid thought. I rallied, stiffening my spine. She was a Gnome, and therefore not to be trusted. A firm hand is required.

“I have some orders to redeem with you.” I slapped the papers down on the counter.

“Thank you for your business!”

The piercing voice! The perky too-white smile and glassy doll’s eyes! Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Go to the warm, pink place. Imagine how happy you will be when the inevitable summer beach special event arrives. It would be coming. It would be coming. Shaved ice and bikinis, trips to a beach that didn’t exist anywhere on the map, volleyball and smashing a watermelon while blindfolded. It was so beautiful. So pure.

It slipped away from me. I kept visualizing monsters rising out of the sea, clawing at me as I floated in an innertube. I could run away inside my head, but the monsters would always be waiting for me, quite literally at the end of the day. There was only one real solution. Stop fighting to survive. Start fighting to win.