I looked out over the torn up trees. Leaking corpses of deformed monstrosities lay where they fell. Skewered on branches, or stakes, or trampled by their fellows. “Like Christmas at Guillermo del Toro’s house,” I muttered.

“Pardon, Tower Master?” Versai asked. She still looked immensely chipper about everything. Guess she was used to it.

“Oh, nothing. How do we go about looting? They don’t exactly have pockets.”

“Oh, easy. Just send out summons to tap them. They turn into a flash of golden light, and there is a chance that loot will immediately pop up in your throne room.”

“A chance?”

“Not every monster turns into loot.”

I sighed mentally. RNG. Naturally. Great God Pachinko, why must you test your followers this way?

“I see. And the kind of loot they drop?”

“Varies depending on where and when you kill them. On the first wave, I would expect trash quality crafting materials. Rune bones are pretty common. The real prize comes from simply surviving the wave. The Tower rewards victors with valuable prizes, as well as making more of itself available to you.”

“Ah. Like the map room.” I nodded.

“Exactly. It will be available starting during the day tomorrow.”

“Does it matter who taps them?”

“I don’t think so?”

“Ever try having Becky do it?”

“I… no, I can’t say I have ever seen anyone order Becky to loot.”

“BECKY! Orders for you. Go loot the monsters.”

“Ew. No. Why do I have to go do it?” She wrinkled her admittedly attractive nose, but shimmied her way through the stakes regardless. That swing of the hips was immediately promoted to Sakuga tier. This doll could test a saint. But my commitment to 2-D is unshakable!

Versai looked on in shock. Becky was complaining constantly… but she did it. Tap, tap, tap. Flash, flash, flash. I I looked over at Versai.

“Quick, to the throne room! Let’s see what she pulled!”

I knew she couldn’t be useless! She didn’t even qualify as a mascot character. Golden hands! That was it! She had golden hands! A summons that was useless at everything but lucky would be a perfect Gacha game summons. She might even be part of the tweak to the starting difficulty I was promised. Subtle, but effective.

We raced up the stairs. My newly powerful legs practically flew upwards. I kept waiting for that catch in the ribs, that shortness of breath that tells me I’ve walked too fast. I haven’t even tried to run in years. It never came. I could move my body the way I had always dreamed. Running for the sheer joy of running. By the time I reached the top of the Tower I was just warmed up.

I looked around, ready to cap my joy with fat sacks of loot. “So, is there a special box or something?” I craned my neck around, but the room seemed as empty as always.

“Not a special box, no.” Versai sounded hesitant, looking around.

“Is there a button I press, or a command word or something?”

“Not… as such. Maybe there is a special “Tower Master’s Eyes Only” button?

I looked around. Nothing. I looked back at Versai, eyes wide.

There was a terrible pause.

“No. No. It's not possible. Not after all that.”

“I… I can’t let you kill her. I know. Believe me, I know! But you just can’t. You just can’t!”

“It’s the legendary Supreme Cack Hand. It’s supposed to exist only in myth. In the darkest depths of the forums and the forbidden Chans, they whisper of it. The antithesis of the Gold Hands. That which taints and fouls every pull. It was never supposed to be real!”

“I. I will keep her away from monster corpses! Forever!” Versai grasped for an alternative.

“No. Sterner measures are called for. If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out. If the cack hand defiles your very first wave looting-”

The moment crackled with tension. I have never considered myself a harsh man, but after everything. After I swore to get them all home. There was only one choice!

There was a sudden burst of music and light. In the middle of the room, a chest appeared, rays of golden light radiating from it.

“She can keep her hands for now.”

“Tower Master’s mercy is without limits!”

“Yes. Now. Let’s see what we got.” I walked over and touched the box. It burst into piles on the floor. And what piles!

Really. What are these piles? I have no idea.

No resonance crystals, blast the Dev’s eyes. This was supposed to be the honeymoon phase. Rain down loot upon me. Get me used to those sweet high tier pulls. Hook me on the dopamine loop.

You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

Instead I had stuff. Questionable stuff.

“Wrothe’s Eyes! I’ve never seen such a First Wave haul!” Versai lacked decorum, but under the circumstances, I forgave her.

“Yes. I, too, am very happy.”

She looked at me, then giggled. I died for a few moments. Do you know what happens to a weeb when the most beautiful person he has ever seen, IRL or 2-D, giggles at him happily? He dies, okay? He dies. But then he is healed by her smile, so it’s tragic, but there is a happy ending.

“Let me explain. These-” She held up a short stack of stone chips “are ordinary Stone Tapes. I don’t know why they are called that, but they are. Basically, you issue them to your summons, and they get a little better. They are more accurate, hit harder, are better at using their skills, all that. Not a lot better, but better. It’s pretty dramatic an improvement for the first few chips, but it slows way down as they get better and better.”

EXP tokens for level up. Got it. Always hated that mechanic, like they didn’t just experience what they experienced to get the tokens. The name rang a bell though. Eh. It would come to me.

“You have twenty of them. That’s a big chunk after just one wave. Oh, they will be less effective on the Judiths, and there is no use giving them to me. No idea why, it just works that way.”

Because you are higher star characters and need more EXP to level up, you beautiful, ravishing, angel you.

“These are a little more special.” She held up what looked like a palmful of rock sugar. “Pick up a piece and take a close look inside.”

I did as she said. It felt hard and cool, like jagged bits of crystal. I held the thing close to my eye and squinted. Was there… a hint of a face? It sort of glowed a reddish orange around the face. There was a subtle vibration in my finger tips. I held it close to my ear. Very faintly, it sounded like the celestial choirs when the ordinary resonance crystals were used at the pool.

“Some kind of specialized Resonance Crystal?”

“Well done! Yes, exactly. You need to gather some amount of these, then they fuse into a crystal that summons a specific Awakened Soul. At least that’s what I heard from a previous Tower Master. I’ve never actually seen it done.”

“Well, I don’t think it would be another Six Star, but I can’t imagine it’s a bad draw. Do you know how many we need?”

“I don’t. Sorry. More than what you’ve got.”

I snorted but smiled. “Still, lucky. Alright, what's the gold medal looking thing?”

“I have no idea. It’s a Tower Reward, though, so it’s very good.”

She hesitated, and I finished the thought for her. “For a first wave reward.”

“Yes. They don’t go up dramatically, but I do remember that the Tower Masters who reached the third wave were quite pleased with the rewards.”

“Some of ‘em didn’t make it past the first wave? I thought you said it was a warmup?”

“It’s supposed to be.” Her voice was bone dry. “And yet.”

Such fun. I picked up the gold medal. It started glowing with a pale orange light, and drifted over to a wall of the room and implanted itself.

“Wave #1- Flawless Victory” slowly appeared on the disk. Very small letters. I was unimpressed. There was a little sparkling white light on the bottom, practically begging me to tap it. I thought about ignoring it out of spite, but this was supposed to be a reward. I tapped it. A message popped up:

Wave #1, zero casualties, zero monsters in the tower. Reward: All ranged units, +1% Speed When Attacking.

“You seeing this?” I asked Versai.

“Yes. I… I don’t know what to say. When I think about how many of my former Tower Masters might have lived if they had only…”

“One percent, though.”

“Over how many summons, and how many attacks? You have Five Mikas. If they can fire one hundred and one bolts in the time it takes to fire one hundred normally, that’s… at least two and as many as five dead monsters, depending on range. And it only takes one monster to redefine your existence as distilled humiliation and pain.”

I hated to admit she had a point. But she did. There would only be more and more ranged units. The cumulative advantage would be enormous. But still.

“One percent though…”

“It’s not a very impressive number, is it? She smiled wryly.

I shook my head and turned back to the loot pile.

“Alright, last but not least, what do we have here?”

They were little orange slabs, covered in dense symbols. I assumed they were writing of some kind. There were four of them.

“These are the biggest reason I was excited. They are resource packs.”

They were about the size of a playing card, and the thickness of a crayon.

“Do we exchange them somewhere or something?”

“No need, just snap them in half and the resources listed on the pack will appear. These are orange, so I am expecting something decent.”

I opened the magic chest to get the magic pile of magic chips which I would break open to get the magic pile of magic materials.

You know, I played a lot of gacha games. The RNG could be a drag, grind could be boring, but the logic behind in-game items had rarely bothered me. I was now bothered. Very bothered. So many things to discuss with the developers and my spiritual counselor, Mr. Brick-In-A-Sock.

I shrugged and got snapping. The piles… piled up… on the floor. I started oohing and aaahing right alongside Versai. The gods of RNG had delivered nails, rope, scrap iron, and other building supplies.

“The Judiths are about to get very busy. But a good busy.” I smiled.

“Tomorrow.” Versai matched my smile, and nodded.

“Yep. Where do we sleep? Actually, I’m not even tired. Odd.”

“Tired? Sleep?” She cocked her head to one side.

“Yes? What happens after a busy day?”

“Well, you have completed your wave, and I don’t think there are any more actions you can take today, so don’t you simply advance to the next day?”

We blinked at each other for a moment. “Advance to the next day?”

There was a sudden lurch. I couldn’t describe it, but somehow I felt like I had shifted a foot to my left without moving. The accumulated psychic strain of the day had vanished, or at least mostly vanished. Versai was still blinking at me, but instead of being cooled by the moonlight, she was bathed in the fires of the morning sun.

“Yes, advance to the next day.” She stretched. It might have done wonderful things for her figure, but the solid metal chestplate did not allow for the seeing of sights. “I always feel so refreshed when the day advances. Nothing quite like it!”

I sat down on the ground. I just needed to be on the ground. Grabbing on to the stones. Feeling the world spin. I don’t sleep anymore. I don’t eat, or drink or excrete, or sweat, or or or or SLEEP. You need to sleep. No matter how bad it gets, if you can sleep you have a few guaranteed hours of oblivion, or close enough. You have rest. The ability to heal. This psychic refresh thing was not at all the same. Not at all the same! And the Tower was spinning and I was barely holding on!

I felt cool water wash over my mind. I stood up, smiling. “Come on, I’m excited to check out the map room. Let’s see what Rache discovered before giving the Judiths their orders, shall we?”