Karl hurled himself into the Rise of the Raccoon expansion with all the enthusiasm of a man trying to put out a fire with a spade. Without any written instructions, tutorials or help from other players, Karl seemed content to bask in the cutscenes and flashy visuals without caring much for his characters' abilities. After all, five of his most important skills weren't even on his bar
Karl often stumbled through quests as if they were mad libs with him as the protagonist, always ending in either a bizarre rant or exasperated silence. In his mind, he was adventuring like an intrepid hero, but in reality his journey looked more like a drunken bumblebee careening recklessly between options without rhyme or reason.
His equipment was so outdated, it might as well have been made of paper mache and held together by rubber bands and weapon could only aspire to be a wet noodle in it's wildest of dreams.
Undeterred by a mountain of evidence to the contrary, He eagerly entered the new zone, heroic in pose and expectations, convinced of his own invincibility.
His first step in Rise of the Raccoon was filled with confidence. On Karl's second step, the world was his for the taken. By his 7 step Karl had been swarmed a band of raccoons—an unholy alliance of stripes and fur. He was ruthlessly mugged, his pockets, bags, and even his dreams emptied by their tiny hands.
The woes had just begun.
A horde of raccoons relentlessly followed him through the game, leaving a trail of terror in their wake.
He felt the fear climbing within him. He leapt over logs and darted through trees, desperately trying to evade the persistent band of predators. Nowhere was safe; no one could be trusted.
Every step filled him with dread, wondering if this would be the moment he'd succumb to their incredibly powerful mob. He was desperate for an escape, but no matter how fast he ran the horde seemed to catch up just as quickly. His heart pounded against his chest as each step brought him closer to inevitable defeat.
Everywhere he went, he could hear the scurrying and scratching of the relentless raccoon horde. For the first time in his life, Karl knew true fear.
Karl limped into the small town, glancing over his shoulder for any sign of pursuit. He had completed a grand quest, one that stated 'Welcome to Rise of the Raccoon', earning him enough shiny coins to buy anything he desired, as long as anything he desired was less than 7 silver.
He traced the meandering paths of the picturesque market, constantly looking over his shoulder, until suddenly his luck changed: right ahead, through a door draped with lavender velvet, was a vendor offering basic attire for sale! Karl's heart leapt with joy - upon completing the quest, he would have enough money to purchase a shirt and pants, returning him to a state of modesty. He happily claimed the completion rewards from his quest and handed over the silver coins - only to find that the merchant was actually 3 raccoons in a trench coat who stole his silver and then scampered off.
Karl sprinted in a state of terror, bare-skinned and dripping with sweat. He made a sharp turn and came to an abrupt stop as he careened into a mysterious wall. As if by some miraculous act of divine intervention, Karl crashed though the barrier, tumbling down a small flight of stairs, and spilled out into a hidden vendor’s shop.
Karl sprang to his feet, looking around frantically for the raccoons hunting him like some kind of prey.
"Don't worry my friend," The merchant said calmly, pointing at a strange crystal that seemed to glow with power, "I have a device that will keep them away from here."
"Oh thank goodness I thought I was done for- Hang on...you're not three raccoons in a trench coat, are you?!"
The man let out a hearty laugh. "You really don't get out much do you? Around here we call that scam 'the classic'.
"Does this do what I think it does?" Karl pointed to an item on one of the shelves.
"Do you think it powers an X-T79 atomic warship with frontal cannon and duel subspace engines?" The merchant asked with an amused grin, it was an odd item for a naked man to ask about.
"No, crystal next to that one!" Karl said impatiently, as if he hadn't been pointing at the wrong crystal.
The merchant gave him a knowing look. "Ah, you must be talking about the Raccoon-be-Gone Crystal? As its name implies, it'll keep those pesky little critters away."
"How much is it? I can give you seven silver pieces that I lost five minutes ago," Karl offered hopefully.
The merchant smiled again and leaned in close as if imparting a great secret. "If you're a little short of silver at the moment I may have another way..."
"You do?" Karl said like a man driven to desperation by a pack of raccoons who had stolen everything of value off of him, down to his cloths.
"I do. Now there's a few steps we're going to have to take, but by the end of it" The merchant gestured towards the crystals.
"I'll have a X-T79 atomic warship with frontal cannon and duel subspace engines?" Karl asked, confused.