‘Am I going to die?’ I thought as my vision got blurry.

Damn… So no matter what I do is meaningless. No matter what effort I exert are worthless. Then why did I ever live? For what reason are my struggles for? I still fail… I still lost everything… I still… Argh! It really hurts.

“Aaaahhh….”

My eyes dampened as I tried to speak. My breath draws shorter. Darkness starts to swallow me. I- I can’t let go like this… Not yet… I open my mouth as I tried my best to fix my gaze at the person in front of me. Strange… Why can’t I feel hate or anger? Was my emotion starting to lose as well?

I don’t know…

I’m starting to drift away… Maybe, It’s death but I started to get calm. It slowly disconnects me as it keeps me sane. No answers given… But it had no questions provided… Just calm and peace… just silence.

I don’t know how much time passed since I died. But it doesn’t matter. I expect darkness, being alone and deafening silence. Just what I didn’t expect is that in this nothingness feels so comfortable. Like being in your Favorite pillows and blanket. I smiled. If I know Death is such a convenient thing, I wouldn’t hold on trying my damnest best in that fucking world. I’m sorry for my word but its really…. Arghhh! Okay, no more!

I’m an orphan raised by nuns back in my old life. Every day we were thought how to pray, read and write, and good conduct. Well, what do you expect in an orphanage? But I… I guess I’m a little weird since childhood. I am a fast learner, far beyond my peers. They said I’m smart and a genius as they smile at me. The nuns were kind as so is my friends. Or so that’s how they appear. I don’t know how but I always know they’re faking it. Their smiles… Their compliment… all of it. My friends weren’t actually my friends. Their praises were actually envy. The nuns were actually fed up on the children’s schemes. They said I’m a good child but that’s only because I don’t give them trouble.

When I was five, a man and woman decided to adopt me and two more kids. What a fakers saying will be family. I doubt they’re even a couple. And I was right. We were taken to a building deep in a forest who knows where. The excited faces of the two kids slowly subside as we enter and cry. See? What family? That’s too good to be true. I mean who would actually accept strangers as family just like that? Am I a pessimist? No… but I’m just being realistic here.

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It turns out that this place is where smart orphan children were trained and selected according to use. And I’m telling you, these trainings were hellish. Some broke down along the way be it physical trauma or mental collapse. I was ten when I learned that the government is actually the “backer” of this “Institution”. At the age fifteen, I was selected to be part of Bio Department in which later became its head officer. It is lucky to have my only friend together with me. Together we study and seek outcome from our experiment and eventually, became lovers. We were happy but later on… Well, enough about that. I really love my project. They don’t say lies. Everything were the truth and behind the mystery lies knowledge waiting to be discovered. Science were really the best! Hahaha- ahem. As I was saying, I am part of the Bio Department which focuses on everything about living things. Mental state, cause and effect, chemical reactions in body, behavioral aspects… basically, it covers a wide range of studies. I manage to be in the group of chemical researchers. As to why is because mental and behavioral aspects will be no excitement for me. I’ve manage to grasp the basics when I was younger due to torture- err, I mean “training” we receive. Aside from that, people are just an open book for me to read.

At the age of twenty six, I became a well renowned psychologist both in practice and study. Of course that’s how it is in the outside. I am actually a puppet made by the government. It never fails to amaze me how smart they can be. I mean it’s really clever way to use every resource you can get, even parent-less children. Waste not want not. Evil? I don’t think so. But it is a bad idea to go against. Cause if they do, they’re probably enjoying this comfortable darkness like me.

I still remember that time when… ArggHH!! No more. How come I became talkative now that I’m dead? I’m still sane… right?

A sudden force wakes me in my thoughts. What the hell… Is it time for my judgment?? No!!! Wait! I like it here! I’m sure my judgment can wait. No, no I’m being pulled again. I’m not ready yet and I know I would hate to bother you dear judge. Can’t we just do it some other time? Yes? Wait… NO!!!!