My back burned.
From the moment I’d touched the cover of that book with my index, it felt like the repercussions had ricocheted on my tattoo immediately. It burned like I was constantly ogled from behind a bush, or a corner between the rocks around. It burned like a lick of terrible fire, like the shame and disgust I was feeling for myself inside every bone and cell of blood.
As I walked the way back to our habitations, my head low on the floor, my mind drifting into too many emotions, traveled around the conversations I had, the reactions I bore. And as the words of the Maor slapped against my face yet again, I had no choice but to face the consequences.
My rage and loath for betrayal had taken the best of me and my judgment. If I were in their positions, would have I used someone I had no particular feelings for or complicity with to obtain a deliverance that had been waited for centuries by my kind? Of course, I would have. Who wouldn’t?
But the acknowledgement of my utility, of the way I had been used again, this was the worst to actually comprehend, and accept. They had been deceived in the past. They had been used. And they were lost, shackled, forced here, until they would find a solution. We were the solution. Their solution. Kâl was right.
Once I lifted my head, I realized I hadn’t followed the usual path and found myself around unknown quarters. Around me, the same holes composed of the same furniture, but in numerous amounts and within the chambers, the lights were off. Except for one, where soft whispers and large silhouettes escaped in the darkness and I immediately recognized Hei-Tria and Krolea.
As I figured my presence wasn’t expected, I stayed on the corner, far enough to be hidden but close enough to hear them, as I witnessed the end of a heated conversation. “I spent years inside that library and we finally are rewarded with such amazement. We have no reasons to feel guilty, Protector.”
“No, of course, we haven’t,” Krolea answered in a solemn, calmer voice. “This is perfect news for the festivities to come.”
“Should we gather everyone tomorrow morning? Start the event a bit sooner? We have a lot to tell them.”
“Excellent idea,” their shape shifted under the dim light of their room. “I’ll let you do the honor of telling them right away.” They moved inside, embraced one another with their long arms gracefully. “Stay cautious around the human boy.”
Hei-Tria had aimed for the aperture but stayed at the entrance once they heard the words. Turned around to respond. “Always have been.”
“We shall understand their angst, despite remaining true to our former decisions,” the Protector added, with a long nod of their head. Waiting for Hei-Tria to imitate.
“They bare the pride of old habits,” they spat, chin high. “their eyes sail upon troubled waters. The ones we had not seen in a long time.”
“Your old age is drifting your emotions down a complicated path, friend. I’m advising you to open your mind.”
“My mind is well open, Protector,” they assured, but the silence that followed only confirmed Krolea was waiting for another answer completely. And wouldn’t accept a different one. “Yes, Protector. I shall.”
Hei-Tria exited Krolea’s habitations and I sneaked against the tree so they wouldn’t see my large stature from the corner of their vision. I counted a few more seconds before moving out of my spot, once they had disappeared in the night and started looking around for a path leading to my own chamber when their voice erupted in the dark and froze my entire being. “Human,” Krolea said.
I sighed. They approached as I faced them and avoided the pride act. “I’m lost,” I admitted, keeping their stare nonetheless.
“You are. And we understand,” they spoke with great meaning, but I felt obliged to explain.
“No, I mean, I’ve lost the way to—”
They imposed a silence that was weighing physically on my shoulders. All I wanted to do was disappear, find the path back to my cave and fall over the mattress, let the dreams take over my consciousness. But the Maor stayed still, as if they were aware the conversation wasn’t over yet.
“What is the event tomorrow?” I asked, wondering why they hadn’t helped me so this awkward situation would end.
“You’ll see. I hope it will teach you important principles, help you realize crucial values of our kind.”
My hands had trouble resting quietly along my thighs. “I do, understand. But you don’t know me either.”
“That is true,” they nodded. “Perhaps, this gathering will benefit all of us, in the end.” They smiled. Their hair was down and they bore no jewels along their strands, nor their neck, fingers and wrists. Yet, they emitted a particular aura that led to the inevitable conclusion of their imposing identity. No doubt I was in front of the Protector of Maorat. I wondered how they were elected, if they had votes, if they were marked and chosen by fate, or if one family had prospered for generations until Krolea was the one to be sacred.
After a few seconds, they lifted their arm and stretched their fingers to one path on the left, before muttering the words. “This way, human.”
I only bowed, slightly and turned around as fast as I could.
֍
I had to crawl over my own bed in the dark, because Kâl was already sleeping on her side of the mattress. At least, she had decided to buzz off the insects, and hadn’t talked, rather yelled, at me once I was lying down, taking my shirt off as I was appreciating the chill of the night and the day inside Maorat.
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Their temperature could sometimes drive chills over my body, from the cold breeze that could caress my skin, but while we were sleeping inside our own little caves, we were warming the room enough that we didn't need any sheets or plaids.
Sleep wasn’t even tingling my lids, soaring my limbs nor weighing over my shoulders. I was utterly awake because of the gnawing feeling of how I had treated Kâl. She was the Shadow, she had decimated dozens, if not hundreds of Jalyons, she had counted on herself for years. I figured she couldn’t care less of my apologies, or my guilt toward my reaction, but it was the right thing to do, I sensed. Although I was terribly shocked at myself for arriving at this conclusion.
She breathed regularly, loud ins and outs and I wasn’t sure that waking her up to apologize was the smartest move after all. Only, the words were already up, forcing on my throat and hitching my mouth, the harm inside my belly pushing out what I deeply needed to say. So, after an urgent exhale, I whispered to her unconsciousness. “I’m sorry.”
She didn’t move, didn’t answer. Her inhales were long and harmonious and the gates were opened, my mouth moved as I heard myself talk without an ounce of discipline. “I wish I was better at this, but I’m not. I was never taught to comprehend other’s feelings, I was manipulated into becoming whatever Hidram wanted,” I bit my lip but the sting wasn’t enough. “You already know all that, and you would probably tell me that I just cover myself and hide behind all this conveniently, when you have risen up from the loss of your entire family and decided on your life with hunger for control, and I guess you would be right.”
My voice was low and unfamiliar, so quiet that I had trouble hearing myself, but everything was echoing and ringing inside my own skull. “I’m not blaming you for what happened to us, I blame the one that called himself my father, and myself. I have been completely blind about… something he had said, and have chosen the worst option to deal with it. I perturbed your plans and you ended up being the one locked in here. With me. Because of my bad decisions. And I have lashed out on you. It isn’t fair. You must be enraged with me and I understand. I’ll find a way to make it up to you, I promise.”
In the dark, I visualized her glowing skin, her freckles along her cheeks and nose, and the smile that tore my mouth was inevitable. “You said that you would have fallen for me if you hadn’t experienced such horror with men, well… If I wasn’t already tormented by someone, I would have, too. But I think I want to imagine you as a friend. Even if both of us have no idea what it entails. I want to try. If you would let me.”
Silence. “Good night,” I finally added, but more of this was lingering inside. It had been relieving to actually word out the sensations that boiled over my pores, but having a conversation with myself wasn’t really the point. Although, it had been way easier to exteriorise the ideas knowing Kâl was soundly dozing next to me, not afraid of what she might respond, or think. And while I was waiting for sleep to find me too, I thought of everything that we had discovered.
The book. How could a book about the Yons be written with the first language that ever existed? And who could have related the entire story in that language, being born less than a thousand years ago? This wasn’t making any sense.
Hidram had expressed his fear of my back being unraveled, but as I recalled most of his supplications, he hadn’t explained how my opponents would react. I had made the conclusions myself that they would slaughter me the second they would have the chance, but the Jalyons were not particularly interested in magic. Nor reproduction. They liked each other’s company, men, and if anything, they would have preferred conceiving magically their superhuman babies, since they had no other possibilities to procreate. Most of all, they were the ones hunting the females. Not the ones searching for revenge on their lost friends. So, why had Hidram asked that I be even more careful around them?
And why did the Jalyon run for his life when he had spotted the tattoo?
This book was not about the Yons. And the Y on my back meant something totally different. There were no other explanations.
Hidram had lied, again. I had been fooled. Again. But there was no point in being furious with him now that he had left this world. I did believe him about the importance of covering my back, but there was another purpose completely. And now, the answers were lying in a book I couldn’t read. Even if it was possible to read, would it be as easy to decipher properly? How would we be sure the meaning was the right one?
The thought of hiding it in my bag crossed my mind, but then who would I possibly encounter that would be able to decrypt it? The Maor would return to Fryor, but I would stay on this planet, and for all I knew, no Kendarians learned about ancient languages. Not even a single contact I made during my missions came to mind as a possible option. Hidram was usually the one searching among his notes, digging through layers and layers of what we had left of history to find the most valuable object on Zelian. Min and Geia had seemed pretty unopened to help, as their altruism hung on a specifically thin thread. I could understand. We had known each other for so little time, it was hard to imagine the two librarians accepting services from strangers. Humans, nonetheless. The Maors had confirmed this point thoroughly.
The weight from Hidram’s secret had lifted from my shoulders only to be replaced by a large lump inside my stomach, from the acknowledgement of a question mark over my whole identity. Was this tattoo really determining a drastic change? Was I still human? Was I something else completely, or was this mark over my skin just like a stain I had since I was born?
The interrogations floated around my darkened eyes without an ounce of answers and for a moment, the swirling of them shuffled as a lullaby, forcing me into a sleep of exhaustion from all the emotions of the day. The fact that she already appeared behind close lids, as a reflex would trigger itself in dangerous situations, as a pillar for my sanity, didn’t surprise me. Only this wasn’t the time. My control had been fleeting away since we entered Maorat, and for once I had wished for a peaceful, quiet night, when her fictitious presence had brought nervousness and excitement. Some nights were calmer than others, but my heart would always beat faster, my body would still tense, my senses would heighten from her summoning. She had managed to cool me down, smoothen my ache. But it didn’t change the fact I was utterly reacting to her, powerlessly.
Maybe she was my superpower. My deep and unreal weakness.
I jumped as I heard the movements from Kâl’s bed and smiled at her grunting while searching for a better position. Her arm fell over my belly and the sudden touch made me gasp out loud. She withdrew her hand immediately and almost yelled as well. “Who’s this?”
“Who do you think it is?”
“Nolis?”
“Well, yes. Are you ok?”
She sighed, and by the sound, I guessed she had risen up because she slumped on her pillow again. “I thought you wouldn’t come back for the night.”
I almost asked why, but I could very much understand her point of view. “I’d rather sleep in a bed than on an armchair, as comfortable as they might be. Besides, Min and Geia were not done with work apparently.”
She hummed as acquiescence and scratched herself. “When did you return?” she queried.
“Not long ago. Didn’t you hear me?” I drove my hand behind my head, stretched my torso and legs.
“Absolutely not.” She had been sleeping soundly when I arrived and didn’t hear a thing that I said. Not that I figured she had. Besides, she had no problem finding sleep in the first place, and the thought I had before I confessed was just confirmed by her words. Maybe she was better alone. Maybe she was just waiting for an opportunity for revenge and the second she would have it, she would resume her life in the Shadows of Kendara. And although I had lived by myself for as long as I can remember, the sting of the acknowledgement found a place in my heart, and throbbed along its rhythm.
“I’m sorry,” I said again, mouth open, ready to spill everything yet again. But Kâl switched position once more, and as her little voice seemed muffled, I figured she had turned her back on me.
“It’s alright, I’ll fall back asleep in no time. Good night.”