Little you says, "Nox was happy for you."

Out of all the revelations in his Verse, that one... Oh, Rayne, it hurts the most. I won't lie to you. I'd give anything to change it—Keeping Korac a secret when everyone knew, anyway. I've never felt so foolish and out of my mind—So utterly mistaken.

But I couldn't...

Shake it.

This dread of the worst people in my life knowing and using it against us.

With a gentle push, preteen you states, "You were paranoid." You watch me rake my hands down my face and search every trace of my expression for a reason to be concerned.

I was. And properly so. How could I not be on edge? We were planning to invade another planet, and what with warnings of "Imminent" around the Spire...

You wince a little before asking, "Are you sure it wasn't part of a more internal mindset? The vulnerability had bothered you before you discovered the carvings in the windows. And if you were truly paranoid about Imminent, you would've moved to Nox's Castle with them."

You're right. About all of it. I can guarantee honesty with you, but only in so far as I can be honest with myself.

"Were you honest with the others?"

Everyone returned to my study after a brief break, after I mentioned this would be the last entry before we moved onto the first Icarean migration to Earth. No one looked ready to sleep, but everyone stretched out to relax. It was a heartwarming sight—

All of my family was comfortable and happy. Safe. We'd fought so hard, and this reward was well-earned.

I met all their faces, filled with ease, before I set out to destroy it.

"Only three people in this room read or have listened to the uncensored version of Korac's Verse."

Korac perked up, Sagan tilted her head, and Tameka turned those beautiful green eyes on me with curiosity.

Uncomfortable with the scrutiny, I cleared my throat before continuing with my confession. "I've encountered both versions, and the only difference between the two is the level of privacy Korac and Sagan afforded Rayne... and me."

Now the rest of the Shadow shifted with fresh interest.

"I have episodes of mania and depression similar to bipolar disorder in humans." I couldn't bear to see any reactions or hear any responses, so I barreled through. "They present in periods of extreme focus on work while ignoring anything else—Relationships, responsibilities, and self care. I can't think about or look at anything but my research. Likewise, I experience self-doubt, loss of control, and extreme grief for days—sometimes weeks—at a time. Unable to remove myself from the downward spiral of racing thoughts.

"Given our closeness, you..." I nodded at Korac. "...noticed my complication before I knew I was stricken with it. And I thank you for respecting me enough to withhold it from your public Verse."

Sagan smiled gently while Korac confessed, "I won't lie. It was her idea to redact it. Once she made her point, I understood. Despite how much pleasure I derive from torturing you, the line has to be drawn somewhere."

I was afraid to meet Tameka's eyes, but to my surprise, her expression never changed. It was, as always, open, pure, and full of regard and love.

Have I mentioned how lucky I am?

"You totally have." Four-year-old you beams. "But you can keep it up."

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

When everyone seemed more curious than judgmental, I confessed, "Colita helped me through most of it."

Some people winced or recoiled. Eyes went wide. Korac barked out a laugh. "That viper?"

"I knew she was a spy for Nox, but I also knew her entire story. It's a lonely one. Don't get me wrong, she never stopped insinuating herself to me, but she never took advantage of me, either."

"Prince Xelan, have you not seen a bath in days?" Colita teased when she arrived for work as my tech. Her eyes took in everything. No doubt every detail would find its way to Nox.

I couldn't be bothered to notice my hair was stringy or my skin was oily. Before I could return with my own barb, Colita collected the excessive length of my hair and pinned it back for me. The next thing I knew, a rag was smeared on my face, smelling of cleansing oils and warmed by the steamer she'd ran it through.

While forcing me out of one white lab robe and into a fresh one, Colita exclaimed, "There. Better?"

Actually. Yes. "Thank you." More revitalized, I resettled Elden's nacre shard around my neck.

Colita's laughter tinkered like a bell. "How many times have I told you? There is no need to thank me. You are my excuse to leave the new Castle. Korac treats me like a—"

"How-is-he?" I blurted the words out fast, which I didn't realize until I was reflecting on it later.

Colita shot me a look with a quirked brow. "The grand General is just that. Grand. He excels at everything and is, simply, too perfect to look at. Or criticize. Or talk to like a normal person. One must contact his lieutenants to schedule an appointment."

The entire time she spoke, I was looking over my calculations for the progenitor. I'd yet to reproduce sustainable imitations of the Vittle crop with the right amount of nourishment to replace our dwindling supply. Yet, talk of Korac properly distracted me as nothing else could.

In response to Colita's recap, I smiled when she said he was excelling and frowned at the thought that Korac's new station was spoiling the core of him. The humility beneath all the regal pretense.

Colita, like an excellent spy, took in my every reaction. She said, "You should visit him, sire."

Yes. I should.

When I smiled, she tried to further encourage it. "I'm sure Nox would welcome you—"

My expression fell into a frown before I could stop it. Nox's name had that effect on me.

A pretty sigh followed, and Colita pressed, "He talks about nothing other than you. How proud he is of your dedication toward saving our species. Your brother misses you. Is it not time to reconsider leaving this haunted place?"

Every pass of wind through the Spire carried my mother's voice. The grieving breath of a specter. I didn't even bother lighting the other rooms. I lived and worked in the labs, surrounded by my frozen friends.

Colita continued reciting a song I'd heard from her many times before. "In Nox's Castle, he created this magnificent lab for you. It sits right off this impossible library, and it's near the baths—Your highness, you must see it."

I could do with a change of scenery. I'd built my lab in the Spire from Many Feet's old cave. There weren't any windows. I couldn't remember the last time I saw Li—

"And then the three of you can reunite in bed with me, and all will be right with the multiverse."

When I quoted her in the study, Korac barked out a laugh and choked on a snack Sagan had fed him. Her eyes glittered with good humor and mischief.

Pehton muttered, "Who would ever think I'd have something in common with that woman?"

Her brazen admission got Tumu, Bones, and Lamassau into a fit while Caedes gave her a measuring look.

Shameless, Tameka shrugged. "Meh. I could see two out of three."

The look on Korac's face—

My abrupt laughter startled me, and I pulled Tameka in for a hug to thank her for it. For everything.

Andrew put us back on track. "So after this, you went and talked to Korac at his camp. He redacted a lot, but it implied something was wrong with you."

I let Tameka go as I confessed, "My heart broke for my people, reduced to grunts in an army slated to destroy an unknown world. Why couldn't I be further along in my research to elevate their intelligence and reduce their limitations? Why didn't I accept Karter's offer when the Valkyrie had attacked to usurp father and takeover as Cinder's King?"

The room fell quiet again.

Into the silence, I said, "Korac, you found me on the mountain where I often wept for my failings. You called it 'emotional erosion.'"

My General licked his lips before saying, "The next time I saw you, you were fresh and ready to race. It was a night and day difference. Eight thousand years have passed since then. Did you ever learn to manage it?"

I swallowed before saying, "Let's take a break. The next entry will cover the first invasion of Earth."

The twelve-year-old version of you states, "It's a fair question."

And I will answer it. I promise.