Jack sobered my good mood by reading, "'After the ally summit, Razor told me Nox became obsessed with an image of one of Celindria's descendants. The same girl who would one day destroy Enki.'"

The room stopped celebrating how well things turned out and refocused on the matter at hand.

Wearily, I admitted, "My Verse wasn't over yet because I agreed to build an empire with my allies. Those allies would only give aid to Enki after I first defeated my brother. The Twelve Worlds saw the Night King's growing army as a threat to the entire galaxy. Still, I strategized with the end goal in mind.

"For crimes against the children of Gait, drowning Enki took priority.

"Around 400CE, Razor agreed with me. Whether to further Imminent's agenda or for the sake of our friendship, he helped me prepare for the isolation with enough funds to install the Ionas and enough technology to research myself into several strongholds of labs.

"But Razor also took a shipment of Cascading Light to Nox."

Sagan reinforced, "To help with his mental health."

Korac caressed her face in gratitude.

Tameka confessed, "I appreciate Nox's raw honesty in his Verse. He saw that image of Rayne destroying Enki and became instantly fixated."

Jack wondered aloud, "But what did Rayne redact during that part?"

I raise a brow at you.

What, indeed? Care to sate my curiosity?

You plant your elbows in the pillow and rest your chin in your raised hands, staring, until you make up your mind and quote, "'I've never loved anything more.'"

I wince.

I suppose I asked for that, didn't I?

You shake your head. "I'm not finished. Nox said he could see 'unmistakable determination' in my eyes and that he wanted to test it. I suppose he learned the hard way. My skull is thicker than his."

Is.

In my study, I said, "I think it's best left for Rayne to know, Jack."

The King Elect of Earth gave me an understanding smile before returning to his pallet.

I waved at Ross. "Would you like to read?"

She hopped up in a sweatshirt and short-shorts. The entire study noticed Jack's eyes never left her long, exposed legs as she picked her way over the cushions and blankets to my wall of journals. Kyle shook his head in disgust, and Silence gave him a playful nudge.

"Which one, Wingmaster?" Ross asked, tentatively tracing the leather spines.

I addressed the room. "At this point in the other Verses, both Nox and Korac jumped from 400CE to 2002CE. I want to be a little more transparent with how I spent my time in exile, because it applies to this next chapter. We'll start it after the entry and some private sessions. Full transparency is hard to offer, especially since the audience extends beyond my study. But I want people out there to know we were not always level-headed. Nor were we always strong and steadfast. We clawed our way out of the ashes and grasped for this diamond we have now.

"Ross, please read volume two thousand, six hundred and sixty-two. Page fifty-eight."

{819CE | Day 152,935 in Exile}

I am a monster.

All those nacres I intentionally failed to delay the Primary's plans.

All those tanks I threw into the solitary conduit in the Pantheon.

Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site.

The people who my brother hurt on Monarch 3, L. Capra, Lukemore—

Where are my children?

No matter how many times and ways I ask anyone, they cannot tell me what happened to four of my original Progeny.

And oh, Elden, let me forget about Celindria.

I quit sleeping one hundred fifty-two thousand, five hundred and seventy days ago. Inventing stimulant after stimulant to keep from dreaming of my lost daughter.

My abomination.

I am a monster.

I laugh into my empty lab, with books, tablets, instruments and rotten food strewn everywhere. The smell of it..

The smell of me...

It's all my fault.

I brought this on the Earth by not reinvigorating the Vittle crop. By creating the Progeny who Nox coveted so badly. The Vast Collective coveted so badly.

The invasion would come, and no one would be prepared because I stormigated an entire planet and invited exile unto myself.

Where I think every day about ripping out my nacre and ending it.

When I sink to my knees and curl onto the floor, my hair is so long it surrounds me in an inky pool.

Enki.

I laugh again.

The indomitable Dyson's Sphere destroyed by a crying little girl—

I could see.

I could see it in the flames.

Brought this on her. That's what I did. I brought this on her, too.

Rocking, I cry. Aloud I repeat, "I did this. I did this."

It soothes me—The sound of a voice.

It no longer mattered if the voice was my own.

The Icari.

My Progeny.

Humanity.

The Vast Collective.

And now this girl...

I let them all down.

I did this.

I did this—

Ross stopped reading. The study was dead silent. No one smiled or laughed or pecked their partner a kiss.

Everyone stared at me.

I tried to smile. To reassure them. But a tear rolled down my cheek.

Pax left his toys—the only movement in the room—and clung to my side. I peered down at the boy with eyes so like my own and lost it.

You've escaped your blankets to sit on the end of the coffee table across from where I'm sitting in the armchair. With a little work, you maneuver your face in my line of sight to say, "This is good. Being honest about this is so brave, and they will understand."

I still can't hold my head up enough to face you. To say I am better or capable on my own. I wish I could.

I couldn't face them either.

Tameka pulled me into her shoulder, and I cried in her arms. She whispered, "Was it like this every day?"

I nodded and choked—swallowed to say, "Not exactly. Some days, my thoughts raced less, and I could be productive in my research. The same old stuff: Vittle crop and nacre defenses. But never enough to take care of myself. I need people—"

The words left me as I glanced around and noticed the study was entirely empty.

"I need them," I repeated.

Pax said, "They went to eat. Uncle Andrew is making barbecue. Can we have barbecue, dad?"

Tameka asked, "Why don't you find some seats for us, sweetie? We'll be right there."

Our son glanced at me for permission, and at my nod, took off for the kitchen.

The woman I loved most in the world watched that kid go and said what was on my mind. "I'm so grateful we've made it here." Tameka turned her stained glass eyes on me, and, in the reflection, I saw someone she deemed worthy. She said, "Now. Tell me everything. Get it all off your chest. The others will see to Pax, even if it takes all night. Xelan, give me everything. I will still be here when you're through."

Tameka told the truth. For hours alone together, we worked through a part of me I'd kept to myself. She was still there when we came through the other side.

"Of course Tameka was, because you're no monster, Xelan. Everyone is entitled to weakness. It's how your strengths emerge even brighter, and an Icarus with as much strength as you would surely carry an equal weight of burden and loss." You wet your lips before asking, "But can you do me a favor?"

Humbled, I nod.

You take my hand and squeeze it. "Please stop using the word 'monster.' The more you use it, the more power you give it. And if you're a monster, that would make me one, too, because you made me. Now, do you think of me as a monster?"

Never.

You give me a knowing look, saying, "Exactly."

If I did anything to deserve all of you, I am so very lucky.

Thank you.

I hope you stay. When I tell the truth—

I'm so afraid to be left on my own.

"I got you."